Heart for Rent – Not For Sale

“The more people you let in the more they have a chance to walk right out of your life.” At my age – I’ve let a couple guys lease my heart but I  have never been good at breaking down the walls and they never stay long enough for me to collect rent.

I’m that girl that indulges in toxic relationships. That listens to sweet talk and ignores all the warning signs – because when he tells me “you’re beautiful” I’d rather not translate that to mean – I want to sleep with you.

Truth is – I’ve never been good at finding the right guy. Never been good at knowing my worth – and with no experience in love I tend to go with the flow [ translation, lay down and get taken advantage of. ]

In short – I am the girl that wakes up feeling ashamed for something that wasn’t supposed to feel wrong – for drinking too much and walking herself home. Translation:

I am the cautionary tale you tell your daughters before they go to sleep at night because you never want to see them get hurt in the way most – if not all – girls inevitably do.

this isn’t a pity party

Of all the regrets I have, I wouldn’t change the lessons I have learned. I wouldn’t change the life I have lived, not only because I can’t – but because I have come to terms with the way my heart works.

To quote a movie – and a book – “The more people you let in the more they have a chance to walk right out of your life.” 

And as much as I wish this quote wasn’t true, it is – because I have felt it first hand. For me – and I think I have said this before – loss comes easier than love – because for me – I learned loss before I could understand what love was.

The reason I spent weekends watching trashy teen dramas [ and yes this is diluted ] was to understand the way other people thought. For them it wasn’t thoughts of falling one parent short of  being an orphan, it wasn’t contingency plans if mom dies. It wasn’t black dresses and churches and services and flowers and casseroles – it was boys, and designer brands – it was drinking yourself stupid and talking about the things you shouldn’t have done on Saturday come Monday morning.

So for me – teen dramas were the way out – because I didn’t have to let anyone in and I didn’t have to watch any more people I cared about – walk out.

me – I write sins, not tragedies

I get caught up in the nights I should have had, the boys I should have kissed, the mistakes I couldn’t make because – because if something happened to me my family would suffer. My greatest sin before being reborn in college was not living my own life but the mistake of only existing in the pages of my novels and pretending that I could escape from my nightmares.

My sin in college was pushing people away to see who would come back – and hurting more when the first guy I hooked up with didn’t. My greatest sin has not been a tragedy though. Because I don’t believe in living tragedies. Because – like Shakespeare – even the greatest tragedies can be made into comedies.

Cinematic Discretion

If my life was a movie – you would think it sad. But in reality the choices I have made – the decisions that have defined me only prove that when it comes to love – and when it comes to my heart.

When I watched “to all the boys I’ve loved” the other day I wondered how many people feel the way I do. I wondered what my chance at love was if it still scared me. I wondered what my odds were if my biggest fear wasn’t being forgotten or dying, but being left behind. And I don’t know when those answers will come, or when love will – and that sucks but it doesn’t mean I cant learn from what scares me. I guess it took me writing this [ and who knows what else in regards to soul searching ] that while

I may always [ for now ] be for RENT – I will NEVER BE FOR SALE

 

Changing of Seasons

sea waves crashing on rocks
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September  is approaching us and the time for barbecuing, late nights, and evening cocktails will soon come to a close. Before you know, it you’ll be searching for Pumpkins in a patch with your children and crying because all you really want is a cocktail on the beach away from the madness. Shouldn’t the children be in school during the summer so parents can have their vacation?

But all joking aside…. this is the time to start planning the last bit of events before the season ends! Time for enjoying the crisp summer air, ice cream,delicious foods, and lots of memories. I will never forget trips to the beach, each one is always a relaxing way to rejuvenate ourselves and cleanse the soul of all our baggage.

I enjoy putting my toes in the wet sand and walk along the shoreline as I just reflect and think about all the events in my life. While I do this, I focus on my breathing. I try to envision the life that I am trying to create for myself and how I can help myself and others reach my ultimate destination. Sometimes it just takes time and as impatient as I can be, I have to learn to relax and the beach is the perfect place to do this.

 

 

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The One that Got Away

my good friends know who he is – my acquaintances know who he could be – but I know him as the one who got away

I was always the awkward angry type. I grew up watching rom coms and believing that – this is what life could be like. Believing – I could one day fall for my best friend and then that would be it – because he would feel the same way and we’d keep being friends and grow the relationship from there.

When the movie ends, they never show you what happens after the “happily ever after” they just fade to credits and you assume that the characters walked off into the sunset without any issue.

A couple years back I was working up to a couple sunset moments. I mean they all started like a movie so who was I to not be a hopeless romantic and assume they could end in the same way. [ I was wrong ] See my freshman year I broke someone’s heart – hell maybe I even broke a few, but it wasn’t until the following year when I was chasing a dream – that I realized the most important heart I broke that year was my own.

Four years back… [trust me it gets less cheesy]

Four years ago my life restarted, I was just starting college – coming off of the most incredible summer of my life. I was ready for my life to change and sure enough it was. 

Then I started dealing with reality…

See what they don’t tell you when you get to school is that nine out of ten people have just as much family drama and just as many family disfunctions as you do. I personally found this comforting in my own twisted way – but it didn’t make dealing with everything any easier. 

I ran  from a lot my first year of school. I ran from boys, friends, obligations, my past – but most importantly I ran from myself. 

Now like I said I broke a couple hearts that year – but it wasn’t until a big part of me left that I realized how dangerous my own actions could be when it came to my heart.

Cue the drunk texts

My sophomore and junior year of college I learned the importance of blocking people. And to be completely honest it was never their fault – but my own. I don’t know how many drunk texts I sent to the guys who dared to show interest in me, but they almost never ended well. 

It was around this time – or rather Christmas that I started referring to someone I used to know as the one 

The truth I am scared to tell

Have you ever met that person that gets you? The one who understands exactly who you are. Sees through the disguise. Knows all your flaws and knows that the way you see yourself is the hardest weight to carry?

I have.

And I scared him off.

See the truth is – you never think you’re going to lose someone. You never assume that a skipped goodbye will turn into three years of waiting to see someone again. You never assume that one person – who you care so deeply about because you know that your relationship will never be the same as it was when you met – will leave.

but it happens

Look take it from someone who has watched people up and leave. Who has gotten jealous over nothing and written novels about her mistakes – its easy to wish someone gone in a moment, but having them follow through – having them walk away unexpectedly – it haunts you.

my good friends know who he is – my acquaintances know who he could be – but I know him as the one who got away

For me this guy will always be the one who got away. And while I know there was nothing I could have done – I know there is a lot I should have done differently.

Truth is life pulls us in a million different directions – to a dozen different places, and maybe the way we have worked it out to be in our heads isn’t the way it was meant to be – but that doesn’t mean we wont wonder.

to the one who got away, you know who you are… or maybe you’re still looking… but no matter what – I am so proud to have been a part of your story. and I hope that one day we will meet again.

My Mom and I

33008FCA-9A58-46B2-BB7C-D181B0597924     Almost ten years ago, I’ll never forget spending the night at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, MA for what would be the last of a five year battle. My mother, who was terminally ill with breast cancer, was in a medically induced coma to stop her pain and suffering. You would think that during this time, everything would be hitting the fan, that my emotions would be out of control and I would be hysterically crying, but I wasn’t. You see, since I was in the second grade, I saw my mothers very turbulent battle with this type of cancer. What most people don’t know is that during some of the lowest points in her health, I was there for her always and I will never forget what she told me.
My mother was the oldest in a family of six other siblings. As you could imagine life back then was both a growing experience and a true test of character. What I know of her during this time was the story she told me and those who have recounted her life. I’ll never forget hearing about what a true indigo leader she was, someone who was an empath and was not fully aware of her gift.A lot of these gifts, I also have as her and I shared a very unique bond.
My sister, who my mother loved dearly may have been the oldest, but my mom loved her more than life itself. Though I am not close to her now, I know my mom would have been so proud of the woman she has become because she really is independent, strong, and fully capable of doing anything she sets her mind to. With her, if it isn’t happening,she will make it happen. I’ve always admired her for this, and my mother did to. I know like everyone we all doubt ourselves, but she was gifted with ambition and strength.
As for me, well after my mother passed in that hospital, I found peace, but I never really dealt with the part of me that died that day. The change that would occur in the family and the moments we would all have that my mom would no longer get to experience. For the remaining years in high school, I had a very difficult time without her. I was trying to come into myself and was doing so in a very immature and public way that I sometimes regret, but like anything- I learned so much about myself and who I was and was able to realize that life continues moving on. Now I feel stagnant and it’s time to start changing things, sometimes to get back to the drawing board, we have to remember the struggles and challenges we’ve had, how we overcame them and that we can do that again.
My father remarried and I am so happy for him and the family, as the years have gone on, I am so happy with the way things are now. I really love how cool my step mother is, how loving and supportive she is and that there is life again in my house.
You might be thinking, well why are you bringing all of this up? Whats the point? I wanted to use this blog as a journal and space to get my feelings out and share with you the process and journey. I think too often times we’re too focused on the end result and not the mountains you have to move to get there. With all of this being said, I am now at another turning point in my life and it’s time to make things happen and continue with entrepreneurship. I am about to take the road less traveled, but I know that in the end, this is what I’m being called to do. Life for me is just starting and i’m trying to embrace it with open arms!

A Year of progress

arizona asphalt beautiful blue sky
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“Tick Tick Tick, it’s a quarter to two.” Madonna knows exactly how to describe my current state in life. Fighting the ever lasting clock.  Dare to continue? To follow the passion and desires in my heart? These are the everlasting questions I continue to ask myself. There is so much energy and passion in me to do what it is I’ve always wanted, to connect with people. To share my stories and learn from others in the process.
My mind is constantly moving from one thing to the next. I have always had the mantra that each year is an opportunity to reinvent ourselves.  I sometimes take this idea too literately,  sometimes change has become a way for me to break free from anxiety. The ever lasting energy of other trying to put me down. We have all felt this way and the truth is, we can’t change others perceptions of us, but we can change how we think about this and the best way to approach it moving forward.
The latest Mercury in retrograde brought so much off to the surface for me in all aspects of my life, but one remaining theme was there. Fear holds me back and my ability to please others has taken control over me really moving on in life to what is best for ME. The truth is that there are so many things I’d like to do and accomplish in my lifetime, but I can’t accomplish them if fear holds me back and I remain in this comfortable state of inaction.
This year I plan on setting clear intentions as to what it is I really want. I know that by doing this, I can get to the root of what it is I really want this year. I am so excited for the abundance and possibilities moving forward. This is why I created this blog, to connect with others who are going through similar struggles. I know that together we can all find a way out of the shadows and achieve whatever it is our heart desires. This year I will be adding so many different types of blog posts and I will be showing my life in a new public way.

Know Your Worth

There are two types of people I see recently, those who know their worth and are confident and those who think they know their worth and are OVERconfident. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we live in a time where everyone is trying to out due the next; and at the end of the day still aren’t happy. I don’t just mean this when it comes to dating but with work, friends, school, and even our own families. Always trying to please people, and for what exactly? For their approval? Why is it that we put so much pressure on our own happiness, solely based on others.

I’ve asked a few people what makes them happy and they always list peoples names, hardly ever do people say their health, job, pets, concepts, etc. In particular people always say the person they are in a relationship with is usually their main reason for their happiness. So your telling me you were miserable before you got into that relationship? Interesting. We all know the phrase

“You can’t love someone else till you love yourself”

But do you ever consider that before jumping into dating or any sort of relationship? Probably not.

What people need to understand is that no one should be the reason for YOUR own happiness. They should contribute to it but they shouldn’t be the whole reason why they’re happy. Because guess what, when it ends or a fight occurs, it feels like they didn’t just leave, but your happiness left with them. Its like if your with someone and they tell you that you are beautiful all the time and then you break up, do you stop being beautiful? NO! But you have to know that before hand! Which is what I mean when I say

“Know Your Worth”

I don’t just mean it when it comes to look, but know what you are truly worth, look deep inside yourself. I know that can be hard for some people to do because they may not always like what they see but, hey that’s you. All 100%, wonderful, incredible you!

Like I said earlier this doesn’t just apply to dating, but to all sorts of relationships, that means friends, coworkers, family, and more. If you feel like you are being treated unkindly or walked all over its okay to walk away. It okay to separate yourself from what could be a toxic situation, doesn’t mean you’re giving up, but somethings take time to heal and some things aren’t always worth the energy. What is meant to be, will be. And what is meant to end, will end.

One big thing I have learned is that some people are put into our lives to help us through certain parts, and once they have dones their job it may be time for that relationship to end. Don’t get salty and petty about it or them, but

“look back and appreciate the times you had together and the lessons learned.”

If they stay in your life then that’s great, that’s what was meant to be. But I always say

“you can’t force someone to stay where they don’t want to be”

We are all growing and put on certain paths, which some are meant to walk alone. Not everybody can be so lucky to try new things with those they feel comfortable with. But in my opinion they might not be lucky in that instance.

“How can you find yourself, when you aren’t alone?”

I believe that sometimes the most growth happens to us when we are put in situations where we are the most scared and lost.

Just know that who you are is who you are meant to be, we are always changing and through our lives, and with that comes some people won’t like that; and they don’t have to. But they don’t have to bring you down either. Know who you are, know what you deserve, and know your worth. Doesn’t mean your better than anyone else, but doesn’t mean you should allow others to treat you any less than what you deserve. And definitely don’t give anyone the satisfaction of being the sole reason to why you are happy. Look at yourself in the mirror and reflect, that means see the beauty and see the ugly. Improve yourself everyday, and for those who don’t like what they see in you, let them go. Don’t hold on because you want to stop change, becuase sometimes change can bring the best outcomes.

Know. Your. Worth.  

“Foot Poppin Kiss”

NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS

I’d like to say I’m accepting applications for America’s next best kisser, but I don’t know if he is here. I mean Anne Hathaway had to become a fricken princess of Genovia to get the kind of men I’d like to find. So my hope is a little skewed.

HONESTY HOUR

So I am utterly and completely one of those God Damn Independent types that DOES NOT NEED A MAN, but, that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a man who knows how to kiss me like I deserve every once in a while.

Now this doesn’t have to be a gender normative type of story. I can assume that a few of us know what I am talking about. It’s that feeling when they kiss you so good that you still feel it echoing through your lips when it ends. The kind of kiss that makes you want to tell your best friend the moment after it happens – the kind of kiss that makes your foot POP.

First Kiss

As a teenager I waited a long time for my first kiss. I was a senior in high school writing about romance and knowing nothing about it. I would still write love stories, but most of my “research” was television based. It wasn’t until my senior homecoming dance that I couldn’t wait anymore – so I kissed the first boy who offered.

Shortly after this I wrote my first love story – with much better descriptions of what it was like to be kissed and kissed well – it’s no wonder the story caught the eye of Delaware Scholastic Competition Judges.

THINKING BACK

I think my hopeless romantic edge comes from romantic comedies being my first experience of love. I developed a look but don’t touch mentality, falling in love through a screen for men like Paul Wesley and Zac Efron and Cody Linley from Hannah Montana.

But the thing was – movies never made up for the real feeling and they still don’t.

A lot of people measure time in different ways – lately I have been thinking about the timeline of kisses. I mean what if we measured time by the last time we felt something more than just Lust or Loss, Fear or Bravery, what if time was measured in unexpected moments.

THE LAST TIME I WAS KISSED

I didn’t think it would be the last, and I regret that it was. Turns out I made a couple more mistakes than I can remember – and I am sorry for that, but truth is – he hadn’t made my foot pop since the first time he kissed me. And maybe that is my fault to, but maybe measuring time in those great – charged – unexpected moments, is the key to keeping things exciting, and the key to us continuing a mutual chase no matter who our relationship is with.

You turned me off but the feelings are still there

My mother likes to tell me that water seeks its own level – that in relationships we look for what we are used to. For me this means I look for a man like my father, one who makes me laugh, who is a bit rough around the edges, but cares and cooks and listens… but what often happens is – I don’t find a guy like that but instead I settle for a man I know won’t be around much – and while that is great for any future lover who has a life, it often just reminds me that love [or like even] tend to flicker and fade quickly like overused lightbulbs.

LIKE ISNT A LIGHT SWITCH

I realize that sometimes I get caught up in the idea of someone. As if I had never felt adrenaline – as if doing something I knew was bad for me never felt so amazing. As if one guy could be the only neon fast food sign I’ve seen in 50 miles and all I want is to skid to a stop. I’ve been the girl that turns on the light switch to a room I am not meant to be in and regretted it later – See the truth is we can’t force the way we feel about people. We can want and need something but just because a guy fits the description, doesn’t mean he’s fit to be your prince.

I mean….

In the princess diaries Mia had the perfect guy right under her nose – but she thought the popular guy was better. She raced through her life burning out her stang’ to catch the guy that didn’t even care. Maybe I should have learned from that more than I have.

At the end of the day I guess I have spent a lot of time settling, and while it has lead to some pretty epic kisses – I think I still have a lot to learn until I find that really special “foot poppin” guy.

 

 

What is dating nowadays?

Let’s be honest, dating is hard nowadays. Well not hard but not easy and definitely too complicated. It’s not as simple as just saying two people like each other and should start from there. Nope. You have to like the same type of shows, music, hobbies, style, brands, animals, colors, and more; and you have to agree on all that before you meet in person or even date. Not like you go on a date to get to know the person, nope that’d be unheard of. To actually spend time dating and then see if you two want a relationship with each other,

“nope because people fear wasting their

time.”

 Call me old fashioned but when I think of dating someone it isn’t just to kill time or because I’m lonely; I actually take it seriously. I don’t mean I viewing every relationship as “I may marry this person” but I know that it’s a commitment and takes time and effort. I just don’t understand how some people can bounce from one “serious” relationship to the other. How can someone jump right into another relationship after being “committed” and “invested” to someone else just weeks prior? Well here’s why, maybe, just maybe it’s because they weren’t really committed or invested to that person to begin with. They were committed to the idea of being with someone because it can be scary to be alone. Especially when you are constantly surrounded by those happy couples we see online. Because let’s be honest,

“Nothing’s official till it’s social media official”.

But do you really think those people are happy? In my opinion a relationship works best when the least amount of people are involved in it. In other words it should only include those two people!!!

Why is it that we live in the generation of having to show everyone everything? Why must we all gloat about who has the better life, or even worse, boasting about whose life sucks the most? Since when did being in a relationship have to be always being with that person; and if they aren’t together all the time or in constant communication, it meant they “fell out of love”.

No, just no, a relationship doesn’t mean talking all day everyday, it doesn’t mean posting about each other 24/7, and it definitely doesn’t mean spending every waking moment with each other and dropping everyone and everything around you for someone else.

A relationship doesn’t always have to be moving forward, it’s okay to be at a stand still for a while. It’s ok to be separate and live separate lives, its okay to spend time with your friends, and its okay to hold onto what makes you, you. You were who you were before that relationship happened and you still are during and after it.

A relationship is two separate people coming together and sharing moments, not being the same person and living the same life.”

You’re never going to find your perfect match so stop looking! A relationship takes time, it can’t be found on an app, can’t be made with social media, and certainly doesn’t work if there is no trust. But hey ever think there’s no trust because trust takes time? And if you’re jumping from one person to the next it won’t work? Everything takes time, especially when it’s getting to know someone else.

We are told the the trick to a happy and long lasting relationship is communication, but is there such a thing as over communication? YES

“Personally I don’t understand how people can text and call each other all day everyday, talking non-stop; because once you are physically with them what is there to talk about?”

It’s like our generation skipped the phase of relationships, where you actually go on dates and get to know the person. I don’t just mean “netflix and chilling” either, I mean an actual date where you stick it out even if you aren’t feeling anything. Scary I know! Actually being face to face with someone, being forced to enjoy each other’s company and not being able to hide behind a phone or filter! Terrifying!!!! Or how about actually going up to someone and asking for their number or just striking up random conversation? In this day and age, I don’t think so!! Right off the bat you’ll be called “thirsty” or “a creep”. It’s like you can’t win!

Dating is scary nowadays, and technology has not made it easier. I swear technology is the reason dating has changed. Now with social media being at its peak, you’re never sure if the person your with has 50 people sliding into their DM’s, or liking other people’s “questionable” photos. It’s so easy today to just move on it seems.

“It’s like ever since sex was easier to get, love is harder to find”

I remember growing up and hearing stories from my grandparents on what dating was like in the 50’s. Now that sounds like my kind of dating, where a date could be as simple as going for a ride in the car and just talking all night; and if you were lucky you got to even hold hands! But today, its like you meet on an app, meet up at someone’s house (because god forbid you go in public), turn on netflix, then BAM sex. Just like that, no effort was put in, the sex didn’t mean anything to anyone; you just leave and one person hopes the other one texts them the next day. Pretty sad if you ask me. No chase anymore, no respect, and yet that’s what everyone is doing nowadays. Then people complain that they feel used, disrespected, and cheap. WELL DUUHHH, did you really think that was the foundation for a relationship?

Everyone wants that picture perfect relationship but without any of the work”

Dating is a concept of truly opening yourself up to someone, allowing them to see all of you even, the sides of you that aren’t the prettiest. But what I have learned is that those who truly see your ugly sides and still chose to stay, those are the ones we should hold onto. Because in reality no one is perfect, and we are constantly changing and learning new things about ourselves our whole lives. Dating should take time, it should mean something to both people, and by all means it should be something that takes effort and work.

Dear Dad

Hey,

Long time no talk. Look I would have called sooner but… yeah – work has been great. Yeah – mom calls all the time. The Boy? Davis? He’s good – he’s definitely you’re son… no doubt about it. Yeah – he’s everything to me these days. What? Haha no – no boyfriend, haven’t found a man like you yet. And don’t worry I don’t plan on settling. What? Sorry? You’re breaking up. No. Dad. No. I’m getting another call I’ll. [the line cuts out]… I’ll call you soon…

or at least that’s what I should have said… but then I woke up.

Long distance living

This morning I slept in, I showed up late to work, I let myself slip because when you make a mistake enough it loses its value – but this doesn’t. The morals I’ve learned have value but somehow – today –  I didn’t seem to care because last nights dream was one that was too good to pass up. And I know you’re close but our visits, well they are few and far between and well … look since I messed up and didn’t say what I should have let me re-start like this. Dear Dad.

Dear Dad,

Hey, you know I could have sworn I saw you last night or eh – this morning? I was dreaming but it felt so… so real? I mean it didn’t because the moment I saw you I looked up and said, you seem shorter than my dad… but you’ll do… I was settling for a vision but suddenly I didn’t mind. Dear Dad.

Don’t worry you looked good.

Your hair was darker than it has been in a while, your face looked as though it had the slightest pixilation, but you looked young and healthy and amazing and then suddenly I woke up feeling like I had just played the best game of my life because I finally found you.

Dear Dad,

Its been – five? years since you’ve shown up in a dream. And in this one I had a step dad – and mom wasn’t happy, the whole world was off and this man – this man in our house – well he clearly didn’t belong. and – I know – I’m rambling I just have a lot I should have said like – dear dad.

Dear Dad,

It’s been eight years? since I’ve seen you, but last night made it feel like yesterday – and I knew t was fake but… I didn’t care. Dear dad.

Dear Dad,

I miss you. And don’t worry, your day dream doppelganger does not compare but I won’t say it wasn’t nice to have you… or him… or umm…?

Dear Dad,

I got a job?

I’m doing well.

Your son acts just like you – it couldn’t make me more proud. and your siblings take care of me as if I were their own – and I think I’m finally getting a hold of this growing up thing. Maybe… ?

Dear Dad,

I’ve visited your ashes three times this year. It’s a new record and I will top it again in the fall.

Dear Dad,

It was nice to see you in my dreams but I forgot to say one thing…

I love you – and of all the things I wish I could have said — I just wish I had said that before I woke up.

 

 

The Simplicity of 4am

flight landscape nature sky
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

A letter to my brain that wakes up at 4am every morning; why? Ever since I can remember I would always wake up throughout the night with my brain screaming thoughts of all sorts. Almost like I was having anxiety attacks in my sleep, usually I would just stare at the ceiling till the thoughts quieted down and the exhaustion took over so I could fall back to sleep.

I’ve always been one to think that nothing happens just to happen, there’s always a reason, big or small. So I have started to get up and go outside for some air, and I have to say if you ever have the chance to wake up at 4am in the woods of New Hampshire go outside and breathe. Just breathe, something so simple to do and yet something so angelic. It’s a feeling like no other to me, it’s a sense of home, comfort, strength, and even power.

The sense of being the only thing up at that moment, before anyone else even the animals or little bugs that buzz around; even they have to sleep. It’s the sense that everything is quiet and frozen in time, like nothing bad could happen at that moment. Just before the sun starts to rise while the moon is still in the sky, like the perfect amount of balance. While I close my eyes and just inhale and exhale while I have that calm, warm, summer breeze hitting my body giving me the same feeling of serenity just like when I get a comforting hug. It’s like I can hear everything that usually we all drown out during the day, such as the breeze rippling gently through the huge pine trees that surround me. It’s that feeling of knowing you aren’t completely alone because of all the souls sleeping around you but just enough to feel like the only one really living in the moment. That’s what the feeling is, its the feeling of actually being in the physical moment, just breathing while being completely aware of what’s around you; because in that moment there are only a handful of stimulating things around me, where I can focus on all of them without feeling overwhelmed.  

“and in that moment I appreciate everything, makes me realize life really isn’t that bad”

That’s the true meaning of why I wake up, to me it’s my mind’s way of telling me to go enjoy those few moments I am lucky to get everyday. That without those few moments, I would forget how lucky I truly am and in those seconds they remind me that all the struggles I have been through. When I am taking in those deep breaths with the gentle wind going through the leaves and touching my ears so calmly I realize that everything has a gentle side at some point. 4am shows me comfort and that the shortest and smallest moments in life are really the ones that mean the most, and have the most powerful meaning. It shows me simplicity and balance, all the things that most take for granted. Just because something is small doesn’t mean it’s insignificant, just because something feels huge doesn’t mean it’s the end of your world. Try to remember the little things, the simplicity of life is in front of all of us everyday but we ignore it while trying to find the big things. So I finally stopped wondering why my brain would wake up at 4am and started playing into it, and it lead me to the most serenity I have ever experienced and for that I am grateful. If only everyone experienced the feeling of 4am….

“The smallest moments bring the biggest of feelings”

An Open Letter to the Moments I didn’t Plan

is mystery a miracle or a curse?

Some people are impulsive, some can jump in the car down a one way road and not panic five miles down. me? I’m the one that turns back.

Call it anxiety, call it a lack of guts – something has never quite stuck when it came to being impulsive. So you can imagine that, when, in a single week, I maxed out my impulse control and did 9/10 things I knew I probably shouldn’t.

there is a gift that comes with being safe

Those among us who don’t speed, who don’t spend 100 dollars [minimum] every time they go to target [must be nice]. There’s a gift to staying to the status quo, keeping your head down and doing what your told… or is there.

I used to be the good kid [as if it ended… I am still a good person, adult kid? whatever]. I was little miss goody two shoes – don’t get me wrong I defied my parents at home but in public and in the eyes of the law, my biggest fear was becoming a screw up. But I guess life has a funny way of turning that around. My freshman year roommate would have regarded these times as “god gotcha” moments. As if karma had finally come to take  a chunk straight out of my butt.

See the truth is my life is a series of unplanned and often unfortunate events. So for me, being safe isn’t a choice it’s a way to control the controables and keep my head on straight – because if something happens to me… point is something can’t happen to me.

See for me I can’t afford the wrath of Karma so I don’t give reason to be afraid of it. I follow the rules, I work, I study, I learn quickly from mistakes and I fix whatever is broken. But that isn’t how we are meant to live is it?

there is a benefit to taking risks

I never used to be wild. I’m probably still not by most definitions – but recently I hit a point in my life where I realized that being an adult really means that we have no idea what were doing with our lives, yet people look up to us as if we do. For me this made me realize that I should make more mistakes, and so that’s what I told a room full of graduating seniors.

About two maybe three months ago I did the ballsiest thing I have ever done… I followed a speech by Delaware’s own, Christopher Coons – and to be quite honest I am surprised I didn’t pass out. But that unplanned moment is something I will take with me through much of my adult life, and here’s what I said.

paraphrased: Look I never thought I would follow Chris Coons but I used to sit where you did, I’m a little more washed up now but I’ve learned a thing or two since I was here so bear with me.

So first I want to say, you’re going to miss this. You’re going to miss the silence and the people and the feeling and this place so take it in. Some of you may think this has been the best four years or the next four years will be, I hope its not the case – because what comes next will always push you to be better.

I want to say is how unimaginably proud I am of this class. See Matthew McCaughey gave a speech talking about his hero, he said it was always himself ten years from the moment he was in… for me its all of you. The amount of time I have spent in awe of the stories my brother tells me and how much I bragged to all my friends and how you spoke up for those around you… I couldn’t be more impressed and I can’t imagine being more proud than I am of what I know you will accomplish.

so here’s a bit of advice.

one – make mistakes, don’t be perfect its the only way you’ll learn

two – take time to do this to be silent. I meant what I said when I said you would miss it. Take time to find yourself because giving up that time once a week is hard and no one will know what a quaker is – be ready for that

and three remember to come home, because we will always need you here… and honestly there’s no other place like it.

The funny thing is that three years ago I hated going home, I was still scared from high school and I never liked going back. Three years ago I wouldn’t have had the voice or the guts to get up and speak in the middle of a crowded room of parents, but this time I had to and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.

My point?

Risks don’t have to be head first dives into the kiddie pool or picking a fight. Risk is just another word for jumping out of your comfort zone and while I have lived outside of my comfort zone since the month I graduated college, I wouldn’t change the choices I’ve made.

See the funny thing about growing up and going through the loss and the triumphs that I have is this – each moment has lead me to the person I am today, and if I like that person [ because of and despite her mistakes ] well then isn’t that what life is about?

Maybe growing up isn’t about being an adult after all, maybe its about finding the inner child that allowed us to jump past obstacles and not let fear control us. Maybe growing up is really just about coming to terms with who we should be, and maybe who we should be – is the person we were all along.

The moments I never planned were a mix

They were filled with little black dresses, cat fights, trips to the precinct to make statements [more than once]. They were sub-tweets, funerals, drunk people at parties and me watching myself fall over and over and over again just to get back up and dust myself off.

The moments I never planned were the ones that made me. And honestly – there aren’t too many that I would write off or wish away.

 

 

 

 

 

It’s Never Just a Job

my sophomore year of college I became a ref

See mom always tells me “water seeks its own level.” meaning we search for the people we think we deserve. When I joined intramurals I wasn’t looking for more than a steady paycheck and a way to straighten my life out but – you can imagine my surprise when [after sipping the fit and rec Kool-Aid] I bought into the “we’re a family” mentality.

truth is I never thought I’d be a ref

I grew up saying “I love sports, but I can’t JUST watch – I have to play.” And until college this was true – but really I just hadn’t met the right leaders – or the right family – to get me to buy in to what it meant to be a part of a team – even if that team specialized in playing off the field and on the sidelines.

A couple names come to mind when I think of people that shaped my life. John Concannon, Matt Gordon, Jon Conley, David Chance, Lia Nawn, Justin Flory, Phil Gilbride and Rebecca Scott. And what they all have in common is that they taught me how to be a great leader.

See the people above weren’t just Intramural refs, they were the people that – come hell and high water – you knew you could depend on them. Concannon in particular stands out because he wasn’t just on the field, but he was a resident advisor who literally watched me and my friends commute to hell and back every weekend – never judging openly, but letting us grow.

today we said goodbye

This morning 8.18.18 a member of the Merrimack college community was laid to rest. But in truth he was so much more than a member of the Merrimack community. His name was Craig Maxfield, he was 23, and words cannot describe what he meant to his friends and family.

To me Craig was quiet, kind, and a great person to work with. He was someone to look up to and he was a part of my best years on the Merrimack Intramural Staff.

See I learned a lot at Merrimack over the years. I took a lot of classes, made a handful of friends, and worked a number of jobs – but what I learned is that it is never about the job.

it’s about people – and by that I mean family

I don’t know what it was – scratch that, I know WHO it was. You see the people I named above, they are what made a job feel like home – they are what got me to appreciate working more than I ever had because suddenly someone as small as me – who USED TO BE QUIET suddenly had a huge voice and the power to make people listen. And I wasn’t the only one who experienced this metamorphosis.

Truth is I wasn’t always the best worker – truth is I fell off a little when the leaders I truly believed in left, but the fact still remains that no one I know – whole heartedly, and cheesily buys into family as much as that 2015-2017 staff did. Sure we were lost, and maybe it was just the Kool-Aid, but I wouldn’t trade that time for anything.

so today we said goodbye

To a brother, a friend, a Merrimack Family member, and with hearts heavy we have watched a chapter end too soon.

But what I can promise you now – is the same I bought into then. The people I met at Merrimack are family, the people I worked with for Intramurals were family – and yeah we were dysfunctional at times, yeah I was delusional some nights but I wouldn’t have changed a thing.

You see it’s never just a job. It’s a shot in the dark – that turns into a passion – that transforms into a home and suddenly you realize that that rut you thought you were in before, was really just the breadcrumbs you needed to guide yourself to something you could truly believe in.

and then suddenly you’re home.

 

We’re all just Awkward n' Adulting.

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