Tag Archives: relateable

I’d like to order a “F***boy”

If you’re not looking for a hook up nowadays, good luck dating! We have seem to be stuck in this F***boy generation, you know what I mean. That generation where dating is sending nudes, sliding into DM’s, swiping left and right, being selected based off of a picture (even if it is not a picture of who you really are). Its a sad time, its a time where the saying “its whats on the inside that counts” could not be more wrong! 

Sorry hopeless romantics, unfortunately this is the sad reality we live in. Its an interesting time where being overweight but not too overweight is sexy and if you don’t have all the right curves in all the right places you’re-looked over; BUT while being told its okay be confident in who you are. Then we have all these sub groups and titles, by the people who scream the loudest “DONT LABEL ME”…. all very confusing. Any-who then we get to the infamous “F***boy”. 

You may ask yourself “what really is a “F***boy”?” And how can I get one?” Wwwweeeelllllllll let me tell you!

A F***boy is what we refer to as a guy who is only looking for sex and will do ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING to get it. This includes lying, cheesy lines, spoiling you in compliments, giving you a fake sense of love, paired by talking to 5-8 other girls, saying the same things to them, guilting you into feeling bad about saying no, being emotionally unavailable, and to top it off he is a PRO at ghosting! Now doesn’t that sound appealing? Doesn’t that just sound like the kind of guy you want to be with! And the worst part about it all and they come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors! The nerd can be a F***boy, the jock, the quiet one, the funny one, even the friend! So good luck picking which are and which aren’t! Though I will say not all guys are F***boys, just about 82.458% are.

Some tips on how to spot the infamous F***boy is by posting a very flirty picture on social media, wait a few minutes and bam, they will flock! But how to pick which one you will waste the next 2-3 months on, well thats easy! They’ll be the one that keeps blowing up your phone till you give them attention, then slowly become distant! After that comes the nudes, then the hook up, then the lovely questioning yourself. With such questions like, “I don’t know what gave them the idea I just wanted to hook up! why aren they leaving me on read?” And that is when you know you have bagged a successful F***boy!

Will that be cash or credit? 

In all honesty everybody, respect yourself, if a person wants to chill so badly based off of aspects of your body, that is no reason to spend time with someone. If you stand by what you feel is right for yourself and someone has an issue with it, let them go. Respect is everything in any type of relationship, don’t let anyone tell you what you want; in fears of losing someone that was never really yours to begin with.

If she cries pretty

If she cries pretty

Do you think they will hear her tears

Like a stampede of elephants

Rather than a whistle in the wind.

If she cries pretty

Do you think they will finally notice her

Notice her scars

Notice the times she caused herself harm wishing she was good enough for any of them

If she cries pretty will she finally think herself worth it

Or will she just continue to be left

Utterly and completely confused.

How to Communicate With Difficult People

In my brief years of employment and organized sports I have learned a thing or two about working with difficult people. In fact, some of my best experiences were with employers, employees, and coaches who ‘Stirred the Pot’.

In recent months a friend has come to me with concerns about a boss who not only doubts and insults her, but has proven to belittle other staff as well. As we all know, talking about others behind their backs is a common trend, but in a professional space – this begs the question – when can an employee tell the employer that they have crossed a line?

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Communicating with Difficult People 101

– a self help guide on how to better your communication skills –

Step 1: Embody Switzerland

a couple years back I saw some team to coach conflicts. In the situation – there was a lack of real communication and respect on both sides. [most people don’t like to be in the middle of the conflict – I on the other hand think that putting yourself in the line of fire is the only way to understand the perspectives of both parties]

By being as unbiased as possible one can:

  • hear both sides of the argument
  • digest the material
  • and present it (to both parties) in a way that they will listen

for example : say your boss is having a bad day – they take it out on you in a way that is not entirely characteristic of themselves. Despite being hurt by what they said, you take a step back – hear what they are saying and defuse the situation. Like so:

boss – “we were talking about accountability in a meeting today, my best example was when you forgot to do x last week and how you still didn’t own up to it.

employee (clearly hurt but choses to take high road) – you know I was thinking about this morning, and you had a good point, I could have handled that better – I am going to go make sure x is in order now so that doesn’t happen again.

Now why is this a good method? The employee clearly lost in the situation, right? Wrong. By listening to the feedback of their employer, taking a step back and telling that employer what they did not expect to hear – you have now taken away their ammunition, by proving that you have grown and disproven their example. Similarly, as an added bonus, you have given yourself a relevant excuse to walk away – and by walking away, any residual anonymity can be reduced so you may go back to work and be productive.

Step 2: Take it To the Source

I cannot tell you how many times I have told one friend that I am mad at another friend, when the whole issue could have been solved in five minutes if I just cut the bull shit and had a conversation.

So as a rule of thumb – if the conversation you are having behind someone’s back could solve a problem by telling them to their face – grow up and communicate. In a recent article titled  “An Open Letter To the First Person To Fire Me” I talked about the lessons I learned from losing a job I loved. What I left out previously was that I also had a conflict I had with a co-leader who I believed was not pulling their weight.

I am ashamed to say that – in this situation – instead of talking to the person I had issue with, I confided in someone I worked with – and this later became an issue that came up in the very meeting where I was asked to step down.

  • but what the person who commented on my conflict didn’t know at this meeting, was that shortly after discussing my concerns – I felt guilty about not telling the person I was in conflict with – that guilt then lead to me communicating with the person, creating a better bond with that person, and making plans to make the organization itself better.

In this case – I could have avoided a lot of conflict by communicating my concerns face to face with the person I was angry with. And it was from that moment on that I decided that anything I would have the power to say behind someone’s back would be shared face to face with them.

Step 3: It is not About Winning or Being ‘Right’

In work, life, sports, relationships and especially in conflict resolution – it is never about defeating your opponent. It is about coming to a point in your life where winning and being right is not the goal – but getting the job done is.

Ego is a big part of the human condition. To this end, the people we work with every day – learn so much about us that they (in moments of insecurity) often use it against us. So in the example of language – it is never about the intension of our words, but how they are received.

For example, a teammate might say – “hey hurry it up – you’re late again” and my response [in my hurry] might be influenced on how I took that comment. On an average day I might take it and brush it off – but after a long day of work, I may take it as an insult and return a similar jarring response.

But when I answer without thinking – and when I make excuses for my actions – I am not trying to work productively, but rather to be right. and in doing this I break a very important rule of communication and a rule of life which is –

  • no one is entitled to know where I am or receive an excuse on what I was doing. I do not have to explain my actions by law. but often do so to validate my insecurities on being late or being lesser than expected by some measure.

Step 4: Your Actions Speak Louder than Words

On multiple occasions we have opportunities to talk back, to argue our opinion, to fail or succeed at something – but time thinking about what could be said to be ‘right’ is often better used by proving who we are and working toward our goals.

Like remaining neutral, acting instead of speaking, allows you to center yourself on your goals and get jobs done. This does not mean that mistakes wont happen, it doesn’t mean you wont still get judged or harassed by bosses, coaches or teammates who doubt you – but it does prove that you have worked toward the positive goals and done everything you could to accomplish what your goal, or task has asked of you.

Often it is easy to get distracted, to let your ego guide you, but instead of making excuses, try actively fixing the problem. [And for stubborn individuals like myself – working toward those goals or completing those tasks – could also be stated as PROVING PEOPLE WRONG]

Step 5: You are Allowed to Mess Up

Mistakes are Lessons. Some questions are stupid no matter how often your teacher tells you there aren’t stupid questions. Money isn’t everything. Communication is key. These philosophies are what people are able to live their lives on.

But.

What we often neglect to encourage people to do, is mess up. See you can’t communicate well without experiencing conflict. You can’t learn to put ego aside if you don’t know what triggers it. You cannot learn how to admit defeat without losing and similarly you won’t learn that you are right until you are wrong.

At the end of the day Communication is a practice, a skill, a job, a sport. It is something we practice and something we fumble from time to time. See what I have learned, by working with some highly difficult people, is that the easy relationships in my life are a gift and the hard relationships are lessons. By working with difficult people I now understand what people want to hear, what they need to hear, and what they should hear in different situations, but by communicating beyond the work – I have learned how people hear things.

Truth is – it is no fun to work with people that seem to be out to get you and who make your life hell. But by working with them and not against them, you will not only prove your worth as an individual and an employee, but you will know what you are worth and how you deserve to be treated in any and all situations.

 

Continue reading How to Communicate With Difficult People

22 for 2022 – 22 Tips to Beat the Heat

what did the fan say when he was asked what kind of music was his favorite…

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“I’m a BIG METAL FAN”

 

 

 

Welcome to College! Where AC is Nowhere to be Found.

Happy first day of classes to all my friends, readers, and first year students! Today is the day where you start your academic career. Now for those of you who moved in 4 days – 12 days ago – you may have noticed that Central Air is not an amenity included in your tuition package.

At Merrimack College – this means that anyone living on campus has recently discovered that their room is going to be more like a heat lodge than a dorm room… Now while some of you are lucky enough to have been placed in Royal Crest – you will also be doomed to experience the heat wave while attending classes or going to the gym.

But DON’T WORRY I’ve Got Your Back

Inspired by my friend Mairead [ who can’t seem to get a break from this heat ] this post will feature my second 22 tips for the class of 2022 – where we will discus how to beat the heat when you realize your college doesn’t believe in AC.

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22 tips to beat the Heat when your College Doesn’t believe in AC

  1. stay away from coffee: while copious amounts of caffeine WILL get you through that first long day of classes it WILL NOT help you beat the heat – it will only dehydrate you, preventing your body from its natural cooling process.

  2. Drink water! the more water you drink the more you sweat [ don’t say ew ]. the more we sweat the more our bodies are able to naturally cool us off. [don’t believe me? ] ever sweat when you’re sick – that’s your body fighting off the bad stuff. So give your body a fighting chance 

  3. GET A BOX FAN: the best way to stay cool is to get the hot air out of that sweat box you call a room – put a box fan in the window and face it out toward the screen. This allows the fan to suck out the hot air and create a better flow in the room. 

  4. GET ANOTHER FAN… or 5? keeping the heat out is all about keeping the air moving. once you set up the box fan that will get the hot air out – get another fan to circulate the air 

  5. Commit to foods that cool you off: Ice cream is great when you’re hot but it isn’t the best for you – try cooling fruits and vegetables – keep some cucumbers, grapes, and carrots within arms reach to limit your salt intake and hydrate yourself from the inside out

  6. Find COOL places: Trees provide shade. Some buildings provide shade. Heat rises so stay out of your bedroom if you live on the top floor of the townhouses or the houses.

  7. Make Friends with people who have AC: Of the full college population x students live in air conditioned apartments – make a friend that can give you a home away from home – beyond being a good friend offer to help that friend study, give them a second look on their paper – make it so you all benefit.

  8. Stay positive – in orientation we had a rule that hot and tired were curse words – now while this sounds crazy it also helps you keep a better mindset. We Know you Are Hot – We Know You Are Miserable – We have all been there – WE HAVE ALL SURVIVED AND YOU WILL TO. AKA SUCK IT UP BUTTER CUP – A LITTLE POSSITIVITY GOES A LONG WAY.

  9. HEAT UP TO COOL DOWN: A cold shower feels ten times better after a workout. Sweat out the bad and take in the cool by taking a cool shower after a workout.

  10. Damp Hand Towels: Have you ever stuck one of these on the back of your neck? If you don’t have a hand towel grab a t-shirt or a tube sock – wet it in the sink with cold water and place it on the back of your neck – you’ll notice an immediate cooling sensation. 

  11. Hit up the newest buildings colleges want to put their best foot forward. Newer buildings have more money put into them and more AC – Go to the MAC (Mack athletic complex), sit by the hokey rink, go to the bottom floor of the library, Crowe Hall – or anywhere there tends to be a big push for campus tours. 

  12. Treat yourself to a dinner off campus: Panera is right down the street from Merrimack, but odds are all campus’ have a chipotle or a local deli in walking distance. If your room doesn’t have AC theirs will. ——- For those really looking to break the heat see if there is a local hardware business in proximity to your school

  13. Hit Up the Hardware Store: amazon carries multiple options for standing fans and standing air condition units. because it is not approved of to put a box unit in your window on a college campus – take a trip to the local hardware store or take advantage of amazon prime student discounts to cool yourself off in two days or less

  14. Check out the Campus Stadium: if a tree is in the open the bleachers wont be – if your campus has a stadium, hiding out beneath the bleachers could be the best way to beat the heat

  15. RESIST THE URGE TO HOOK UP: The last possible way to stay cool is to get your body close to someone else’s. Tell the hormones to take a chill pill and postpone hookups – and if you can’t keep your hands to yourselves – don’t complain about the fact that you just turned up the heat in your room.

  16. Make a Paper fan: you did it in third grade lets bring it back?

  17. Explore local parks? if you google parks in your area – odds are there are a few. With Merrimack College this is the case. GO to Harold Parker, Den Rock Park, or check out the area down the street where Philips Academy is 

  18. Explore local Shops: near campus you will find cvs, casa, whole foods, dunkin, starbs, and a variety of fast food options and if it is too close to walk – take the shuttle 

  19. Go to the art museum the Addison Gallery at Philips Academy is an amazing space to look at art and relax in the central air conditioning. 

  20. Hit up the LOOP: located in Methuen – the Loop is just close enough to get off campus but just far enough that you can distract yourself from the heat. A shuttle ride away – the Loop Is the perfect place to catch a movie, get a bite to eat or do some light shopping 

  21. Drop out? Run Home? ok maybe don’t do these. look when it comes done to it we have all been there – even those of us who live in AC find ourselves wanting to give it up to save on high electric bills. Sweating through college with your friends is one of the best parts of learning to live away from home. It teaches you limits, boundaries, and above all – patience. It isn’t living with your friends – but its even harder to live with them in a 100 degree room. Use this time to see how much heat you can take – after that everything is smooth sailing 

  22. Limit the Layers – BUT STAY MODEST!

end of tips?

hey guys so I know it seems like I pulled some of these out of my ass – I did. Truth is – it is so hard to beat the heat when you are just trying to live in a new place with new people. It isn’t easy to bear with me and it’s no easier to bear with this heat – but I wasn’t lying when I said we all have and continue to go through it.

At the end of the day – taking care of yourself is your most important job, so take this week to listen to your body – take care of yourself and keep the fluids up. You will survive this heat wave I PROMISE – but remember that your friends always have your back and if you can’t stand the heat… just find the AC
airplane-jet-aviation-aircraft

The Do’s and Don’ts of the Dating Death Trap

Introducing – the Millennials Guide to The Do’s and Don’ts of the Dating Death Trap – [feel free to add]

Point one: Communication

[DO] Improve your practice of good communication

Chivalry is always the first to be thought dead, but our ability to communicate has diminished so much that we have resorted to ludicrous terms like ‘ghosting.’

‘Ghosting’ can be defined as one person, who often reached out to communicate with another suddenly stops completely. It is also rude and most of us have done it…

I for one will tell the people I am interested in that being honest is paramount to all else. If you tell me that you aren’t interested anymore, I will be ok, if you ignore me until I’m forced to figure it out for myself, I won’t be as relaxed about the issue. And similar to this is the idea of buffet style dating. The route taken when one person choses to pick, choose and use a number of other individuals at one time. Being honest about that style of dating may not be highly approved of, but at the same time, no one can blame you if you have been up front from the jump. So just be honest and communicate.

[DON’T] Allow Communication to be One sided

Here is where we get into the “playing games” debate. So from my experience in dating, I have realized that the guys I was with never lead me on, never played games – but I took what they said and got it jumbled in my head. I can admit that is on me. But allowing communication to get jumbled in the first place is a major issue that contributes to drama and severed relationships.
At the end of the day we can’t force something that isn’t there. Be honest with your partner because that kind of communication practice might help you in other areas of your life as well.

Point two: Pace

[DO] Go at your own speedpexels-photo-638487

Remember that your relationship is equal between two people, the rest of the world has no business knowing what you do and when. Being comfortable and trusting the person you are with is so crucial to how you treat yourself, your partner, and those around you. Rushing things could lead to some ill feelings and if those are not expressed one could resent the person they are with.

[DON’T] Rush

I feel like these days we move so quickly. With apps like tinder and bumble the dating scene becomes a mix of sexually frustrated individuals, lonely love-struck wannabees, and genuine people wanting to find a real connection.
But rushing isn’t just a concept with intent, but one where ‘coming on too strong’ ie. showing interest, can become an immediate turn off. So while there is a benefit to playing hard to get, the best advice is to just take it at your own pace.
If you cant tell if you are moving too fast check out this link from the Huffington Post here.

Point three: Boundaries and Space

[DO] Have Boundaries

If you can’t hang out with your best friend 24 hours a day 7 days a week, odds are you can’t handle your significant other for that amount of time either. Creating boundaries allows for the much needed space to continue growing as an individual, not just one half of a whole. Be your own person, then share that person with those you love.

[DON’T] Overwhelm each other

The best way, I have found, to kill a new romance is to be on top of each other (not literally of course). When you spend all your time with one person you tend to cut yourself off from the other important people in your life, and in doing so you risk missing out on invaluable opportunities to learn and grow. If you truly love someone, and make the choice to spend your lives together then you can use that time to drive each other crazy, but right now, take it day by day.

[DON’T] Have so many boundaries that you are scheduling other romances in

In all relationships and on every side of the dating spectrum, the idea that someone isn’t open enough, can lead to doubt and a lack of trust. It seems like an obvious rule, but making yourself available (in whatever way you are comfortable) is a huge aspect of being in a relationship. It isn’t about always being 100%, that would be too high of an expectation, but being yourself and making time to be with someone you care about shouldn’t have to be a schedule based item. We make time to do the things we care about, so if you care about someone, and feel like you at e struggling to schedule them in, odds are you aren’t as into it as you could be.

…AND TO THAT SAME END…

If you are scheduling one romance around another, do yourself and that other person a favor and cut it off. If you need more than one at a time, odds are the ones you are with aren’t giving you what you really need.

For more info on the proper way and reason why to set boundaries Click here.

 

Additional Notes

hookups are not dates

no one person is in charge of paying for everything

a relationship is about equal give and take

 

Have more do’s and don’ts? add them below in the comments

 

 

 

The One that Got Away

my good friends know who he is – my acquaintances know who he could be – but I know him as the one who got away

I was always the awkward angry type. I grew up watching rom coms and believing that – this is what life could be like. Believing – I could one day fall for my best friend and then that would be it – because he would feel the same way and we’d keep being friends and grow the relationship from there.

When the movie ends, they never show you what happens after the “happily ever after” they just fade to credits and you assume that the characters walked off into the sunset without any issue.

A couple years back I was working up to a couple sunset moments. I mean they all started like a movie so who was I to not be a hopeless romantic and assume they could end in the same way. [ I was wrong ] See my freshman year I broke someone’s heart – hell maybe I even broke a few, but it wasn’t until the following year when I was chasing a dream – that I realized the most important heart I broke that year was my own.

Four years back… [trust me it gets less cheesy]

Four years ago my life restarted, I was just starting college – coming off of the most incredible summer of my life. I was ready for my life to change and sure enough it was. 

Then I started dealing with reality…

See what they don’t tell you when you get to school is that nine out of ten people have just as much family drama and just as many family disfunctions as you do. I personally found this comforting in my own twisted way – but it didn’t make dealing with everything any easier. 

I ran  from a lot my first year of school. I ran from boys, friends, obligations, my past – but most importantly I ran from myself. 

Now like I said I broke a couple hearts that year – but it wasn’t until a big part of me left that I realized how dangerous my own actions could be when it came to my heart.

Cue the drunk texts

My sophomore and junior year of college I learned the importance of blocking people. And to be completely honest it was never their fault – but my own. I don’t know how many drunk texts I sent to the guys who dared to show interest in me, but they almost never ended well. 

It was around this time – or rather Christmas that I started referring to someone I used to know as the one 

The truth I am scared to tell

Have you ever met that person that gets you? The one who understands exactly who you are. Sees through the disguise. Knows all your flaws and knows that the way you see yourself is the hardest weight to carry?

I have.

And I scared him off.

See the truth is – you never think you’re going to lose someone. You never assume that a skipped goodbye will turn into three years of waiting to see someone again. You never assume that one person – who you care so deeply about because you know that your relationship will never be the same as it was when you met – will leave.

but it happens

Look take it from someone who has watched people up and leave. Who has gotten jealous over nothing and written novels about her mistakes – its easy to wish someone gone in a moment, but having them follow through – having them walk away unexpectedly – it haunts you.

my good friends know who he is – my acquaintances know who he could be – but I know him as the one who got away

For me this guy will always be the one who got away. And while I know there was nothing I could have done – I know there is a lot I should have done differently.

Truth is life pulls us in a million different directions – to a dozen different places, and maybe the way we have worked it out to be in our heads isn’t the way it was meant to be – but that doesn’t mean we wont wonder.

to the one who got away, you know who you are… or maybe you’re still looking… but no matter what – I am so proud to have been a part of your story. and I hope that one day we will meet again.

If working out was Sexy

Girls you know what I mean

By the end of any good gym sesh we are sweaty, hot, bothered, and none of it is in a good way. Guys – don’t act like you are immune either – you look [and smell] just as bad as we do because no one can look sexy working out.

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if working out was sexy we would all be obnoxiously fit

and we would all be much more inclined to go to the gym – but we aren’t and it is not.

Fun fact: I will never be an Olympian. I don’t have the drive, the determination, or the self control when it comes to food to be able to work out at that level. Power to the people who can – but it just isn’t me. [Hell I haven’t even been to the gym in a week] ‘

Now there is no doubt in my mind that Olympic gymnasts are sexy, as are most Olympians, but there is a definite reason that the judges sit closer to the athletes than we do – because they have to see the movement while we just get the wide angles of biceps that literally defy gravity.

My point of this is that like crying, working out isn’t supposed to be sexy, it’s kinda just supposed to be. But the important thing to note is that this is ok.

So my advice ….Get Swole in Solitude?

Look

As I conclude todays ramblings I would just like to give a round of applause to the people who have figured out a way to look good while working out. [You are in a vast minority my friends but we still love you]. It probably was not an easy journey for you and I truly commend your efforts.

So yeah…

To the rest of the population, guys, gals and otherwise, working out is a quintessential part of living a healthy life so my best advice to looking sexier at the gym is simply staying away from the mirror, push yourself, and stay confident. Love the life you live, love the body you are in, and forget about how you look because at the end of the day you aren’t working out for anyone but yourself.