In my brief years of employment and organized sports I have learned a thing or two about working with difficult people. In fact, some of my best experiences were with employers, employees, and coaches who ‘Stirred the Pot’.
In recent months a friend has come to me with concerns about a boss who not only doubts and insults her, but has proven to belittle other staff as well. As we all know, talking about others behind their backs is a common trend, but in a professional space – this begs the question – when can an employee tell the employer that they have crossed a line?
– a self help guide on how to better your communication skills –
a couple years back I saw some team to coach conflicts. In the situation – there was a lack of real communication and respect on both sides. [most people don’t like to be in the middle of the conflict – I on the other hand think that putting yourself in the line of fire is the only way to understand the perspectives of both parties]
By being as unbiased as possible one can:
for example : say your boss is having a bad day – they take it out on you in a way that is not entirely characteristic of themselves. Despite being hurt by what they said, you take a step back – hear what they are saying and defuse the situation. Like so:
boss – “we were talking about accountability in a meeting today, my best example was when you forgot to do x last week and how you still didn’t own up to it.
employee (clearly hurt but choses to take high road) – you know I was thinking about this morning, and you had a good point, I could have handled that better – I am going to go make sure x is in order now so that doesn’t happen again.
Now why is this a good method? The employee clearly lost in the situation, right? Wrong. By listening to the feedback of their employer, taking a step back and telling that employer what they did not expect to hear – you have now taken away their ammunition, by proving that you have grown and disproven their example. Similarly, as an added bonus, you have given yourself a relevant excuse to walk away – and by walking away, any residual anonymity can be reduced so you may go back to work and be productive.
I cannot tell you how many times I have told one friend that I am mad at another friend, when the whole issue could have been solved in five minutes if I just cut the bull shit and had a conversation.
So as a rule of thumb – if the conversation you are having behind someone’s back could solve a problem by telling them to their face – grow up and communicate. In a recent article titled “An Open Letter To the First Person To Fire Me” I talked about the lessons I learned from losing a job I loved. What I left out previously was that I also had a conflict I had with a co-leader who I believed was not pulling their weight.
I am ashamed to say that – in this situation – instead of talking to the person I had issue with, I confided in someone I worked with – and this later became an issue that came up in the very meeting where I was asked to step down.
In this case – I could have avoided a lot of conflict by communicating my concerns face to face with the person I was angry with. And it was from that moment on that I decided that anything I would have the power to say behind someone’s back would be shared face to face with them.
In work, life, sports, relationships and especially in conflict resolution – it is never about defeating your opponent. It is about coming to a point in your life where winning and being right is not the goal – but getting the job done is.
Ego is a big part of the human condition. To this end, the people we work with every day – learn so much about us that they (in moments of insecurity) often use it against us. So in the example of language – it is never about the intension of our words, but how they are received.
For example, a teammate might say – “hey hurry it up – you’re late again” and my response [in my hurry] might be influenced on how I took that comment. On an average day I might take it and brush it off – but after a long day of work, I may take it as an insult and return a similar jarring response.
But when I answer without thinking – and when I make excuses for my actions – I am not trying to work productively, but rather to be right. and in doing this I break a very important rule of communication and a rule of life which is –
On multiple occasions we have opportunities to talk back, to argue our opinion, to fail or succeed at something – but time thinking about what could be said to be ‘right’ is often better used by proving who we are and working toward our goals.
Like remaining neutral, acting instead of speaking, allows you to center yourself on your goals and get jobs done. This does not mean that mistakes wont happen, it doesn’t mean you wont still get judged or harassed by bosses, coaches or teammates who doubt you – but it does prove that you have worked toward the positive goals and done everything you could to accomplish what your goal, or task has asked of you.
Often it is easy to get distracted, to let your ego guide you, but instead of making excuses, try actively fixing the problem. [And for stubborn individuals like myself – working toward those goals or completing those tasks – could also be stated as PROVING PEOPLE WRONG]
Step 5: You are Allowed to Mess Up
Mistakes are Lessons. Some questions are stupid no matter how often your teacher tells you there aren’t stupid questions. Money isn’t everything. Communication is key. These philosophies are what people are able to live their lives on.
But.
What we often neglect to encourage people to do, is mess up. See you can’t communicate well without experiencing conflict. You can’t learn to put ego aside if you don’t know what triggers it. You cannot learn how to admit defeat without losing and similarly you won’t learn that you are right until you are wrong.
At the end of the day Communication is a practice, a skill, a job, a sport. It is something we practice and something we fumble from time to time. See what I have learned, by working with some highly difficult people, is that the easy relationships in my life are a gift and the hard relationships are lessons. By working with difficult people I now understand what people want to hear, what they need to hear, and what they should hear in different situations, but by communicating beyond the work – I have learned how people hear things.
Truth is – it is no fun to work with people that seem to be out to get you and who make your life hell. But by working with them and not against them, you will not only prove your worth as an individual and an employee, but you will know what you are worth and how you deserve to be treated in any and all situations.
College, the place I heard about my whole life from my mom. The best 4 years of her life; filled with friends, parties, late night adventures, listening to bands in the courtyard with 200 other students, and of course LOVE!
I couldn’t wait to go to college, I had this perfect vision of what it would be like. I had it all laid out; I would make a huge group of friends, we would all stay up till 3am laughing, drinking, doing our homework together. That on the holidays we would all go to each others houses or have things like a “friends-giving”. And that we would all be like one big family.
I went in confident with high hopes that these next four years would be the ones I would never forget, and for the first semester it was! It was filled with all the things I hoped for, all the late night adventures and being one big family (I had so many new contacts in my phone my storage was getting full). It was great! I went to sleep with a big smile on my face every night because I made it happen, ME! And I only highlight that because in high school I was quiet and did not really care for all the students around me, and I low-key kind of regret. But for college I couldn’t wait to leave, start fresh, and really discover new things about me!
As the years went on, I switched friend groups, people transferred, people changed, I changed…. College started to become this place that I suddenly could not wait to leave and somewhat forget. By the end it looked nothing like the vision I came into school with, but yet I still didn’t mind how it turned out. That just because it wasn’t great like what I had always imagined, it was still great but in its own way.
I soon grew up from freshmen year me and really started to accept the fact that all things happen for a reason. No matter how shitty they feel, no matter how much you don’t want change to come, change is good. But these 6 tips are ones to live by for myself, college is where I did most of my growing, it was painful sometimes, but so worth it!
So even though college was NOTHING like I expected,it pointed me in the right direction for my future, and taught some of the most meaningful lessons that I will never forget.
In honor of Merrimack College welcoming the incoming class of 2022 today I wanted to do a shot piece on “22 Tips for the Class of 2022”
Below are the basic tips to follow to remained informed, intuitive, and hip to the college grind.
Ultimately College is a time to find yourself, but none of us get through it without a little help from our friends – so if you have any tips be sure to send them in via the comments below!
I don’t know who you were in high school but this is the time to grow – to be a dork, a nerd, a jock? No. This is a time to be YOU. So strip off the labels and be yourself because that is the only way you will find your tribe.
Maybe you used to be shy – be the opposite for a day. Change who you think you are, dare to leap out of your comfort zone – whether this means being someone else or just acting like the person you were afraid to be growing up. Think of who you are now and take it one step further.
News Flash – you don’t have to party in college to have fun. You don’t have to drink to make friends. Like being yourself – the party or no party debate is about you and what you are comfortable with. In college I indulged in some reckless behaviors, but I also spent a lot of nights in with friends. Who you become is about who you hang out with – so chose your friends wisely and make sure that if you do party you have your people to back you up.
At my school it was impossible not to get involved – if this is the case at yours consider joining a club. This could expand your friend group unexpectedly, or it could get you out of the room [ REMEMBER : YOU ARENT IN BACK TO BACK CLASSES FROM 8-3 ANYMORE (HOPEFULLY) SO USE THAT TIME TO DO SOMETHING]
Does the club you want to be a part of not exist …? Interesting … How about talking to someone who can help you jumpstart your club [some clubs come with school funding!]
Umm… Wait maybe don’t do this?
but you could join a society that goes with your major or even your career goals [ yeah… yeah … do that ]
NEWS FLASH – someone once calculated how much each class costed – it was around 300$ [IM NOT TALKING ABOUT THE FULL ‘SEMESTER’ CLASS] So every class you skip – maybe think about what someone could have done with that money… [Just saying]
Not to contradict tip 7, but to contradict tip 7 – take a day to take care of yourself. If this means laying in bed and watching sad movies with a tub of ice cream or going on a run instead of that class that has been making you cry – take the time, regroup. No amount of money or time is worth sacrificing your health.
See that guy/ girl at the front of the class the one who’s dimples seem “perfect” and who’s shirt always brings out the “glimmer” in their eyes – TALK TO THEM – better yet ASK THEM TO HANG OUT OR GO OUT. The worst a person can do is say no – so why aren’t you taking a chance?
From the first week to the last day of senior year someone will get homesick – its a guarantee. So go and ask if they are ok. Talking to someone or even saying hello can make a huge difference.
“Yo bro do you wanna walk to CVS – Get Coffee? Yo lets go to chipotle!” Remember that adventure is literally everywhere so get hype and find a reason why a small trip could be an awesome way to orient yourself with your campus’ surroundings.
Movie Night? Popcorn? Enough said
Get to know your campus resources – you don’t have to do anything stupid to do this but getting in trouble or getting in a fight with a new friend teaches you more than perfect relationships and a perfect record. You won’t learn if you don’t make at least one mistake.
I was once asked how much allowance a mother should give to her kid… I told the woman that I got a job instead of asking for money from home. When the mom rubbed this in her students face and told her she should get a job – I turned to the student and said – if you have a job you don’t have to ask permission on what to spend YOUR money on. [the mom wasn’t thrilled but it definitely put an idea of self sustainability into the students mind]
Extra time on a paper or a test? Extra help on what the midterm exam will ask for – being friends and having a professional relationship with your professors could make your grade, or it could just help you learn some fun information about what it means to be a member of your major.
On the first day of class make it a habit of introducing yourself. It makes a difference
Making a difference in someone’s life is honestly not difficult. Start today by being kind – this practice could make you a hero, a decent human or a great leader one day – so try it out.
Politics – Violence – Civil Rights
Change starts with a conversation. It is hard to be open minded but it’s impossible to grow without the ability to communicate why you believe what you believe. At the end of the day you don’t have to like someone’s views, but finding out how they got those views will help you understand people better.
My friends and I called ourselves ROLEX – my brother took this as an opportunity to point out that we named ourselves after something that was “overpriced and useless” but I just thought we were timeless.
Whoever you’re doing it for – do it well. I can’t help you with this one, it’s all up to you
kiss someone, fight someone, sky dive, join a club – just do something out of your comfort zone and maybe you’ll surprise yourself
Fool me once shame on me – fool me twice shame on you…. you got to risk it to get the brisket my friends so push some limits [WITHIN REASON] but whatever you do, learn something from it.
I mean if you’re gonna WIN at college you got to finish it right? SO DO IT!
After Graduating from the best four years of my life SO FAR I cannot wait to see what the future holds for my brother and friends who are still enjoying and suffering through their college years. Being someone who has been vastly defined by the events that have built the person writing to you today – I can say that the best is yet to come and that these tips are exactly the ways to break out of your shell and make college great.
stay tuned for more with our next college story “How to WIN at College”
Chivalry is always the first to be thought dead, but our ability to communicate has diminished so much that we have resorted to ludicrous terms like ‘ghosting.’
‘Ghosting’ can be defined as one person, who often reached out to communicate with another suddenly stops completely. It is also rude and most of us have done it…
I for one will tell the people I am interested in that being honest is paramount to all else. If you tell me that you aren’t interested anymore, I will be ok, if you ignore me until I’m forced to figure it out for myself, I won’t be as relaxed about the issue. And similar to this is the idea of buffet style dating. The route taken when one person choses to pick, choose and use a number of other individuals at one time. Being honest about that style of dating may not be highly approved of, but at the same time, no one can blame you if you have been up front from the jump. So just be honest and communicate.
Here is where we get into the “playing games” debate. So from my experience in dating, I have realized that the guys I was with never lead me on, never played games – but I took what they said and got it jumbled in my head. I can admit that is on me. But allowing communication to get jumbled in the first place is a major issue that contributes to drama and severed relationships.
At the end of the day we can’t force something that isn’t there. Be honest with your partner because that kind of communication practice might help you in other areas of your life as well.
Remember that your relationship is equal between two people, the rest of the world has no business knowing what you do and when. Being comfortable and trusting the person you are with is so crucial to how you treat yourself, your partner, and those around you. Rushing things could lead to some ill feelings and if those are not expressed one could resent the person they are with.
I feel like these days we move so quickly. With apps like tinder and bumble the dating scene becomes a mix of sexually frustrated individuals, lonely love-struck wannabees, and genuine people wanting to find a real connection.
But rushing isn’t just a concept with intent, but one where ‘coming on too strong’ ie. showing interest, can become an immediate turn off. So while there is a benefit to playing hard to get, the best advice is to just take it at your own pace.
If you cant tell if you are moving too fast check out this link from the Huffington Post here.
If you can’t hang out with your best friend 24 hours a day 7 days a week, odds are you can’t handle your significant other for that amount of time either. Creating boundaries allows for the much needed space to continue growing as an individual, not just one half of a whole. Be your own person, then share that person with those you love.
The best way, I have found, to kill a new romance is to be on top of each other (not literally of course). When you spend all your time with one person you tend to cut yourself off from the other important people in your life, and in doing so you risk missing out on invaluable opportunities to learn and grow. If you truly love someone, and make the choice to spend your lives together then you can use that time to drive each other crazy, but right now, take it day by day.
In all relationships and on every side of the dating spectrum, the idea that someone isn’t open enough, can lead to doubt and a lack of trust. It seems like an obvious rule, but making yourself available (in whatever way you are comfortable) is a huge aspect of being in a relationship. It isn’t about always being 100%, that would be too high of an expectation, but being yourself and making time to be with someone you care about shouldn’t have to be a schedule based item. We make time to do the things we care about, so if you care about someone, and feel like you at e struggling to schedule them in, odds are you aren’t as into it as you could be.
If you are scheduling one romance around another, do yourself and that other person a favor and cut it off. If you need more than one at a time, odds are the ones you are with aren’t giving you what you really need.
For more info on the proper way and reason why to set boundaries Click here.
hookups are not dates
no one person is in charge of paying for everything
a relationship is about equal give and take
“The more people you let in the more they have a chance to walk right out of your life.” At my age – I’ve let a couple guys lease my heart but I have never been good at breaking down the walls and they never stay long enough for me to collect rent.
I’m that girl that indulges in toxic relationships. That listens to sweet talk and ignores all the warning signs – because when he tells me “you’re beautiful” I’d rather not translate that to mean – I want to sleep with you.
Truth is – I’ve never been good at finding the right guy. Never been good at knowing my worth – and with no experience in love I tend to go with the flow [ translation, lay down and get taken advantage of. ]
In short – I am the girl that wakes up feeling ashamed for something that wasn’t supposed to feel wrong – for drinking too much and walking herself home. Translation:
I am the cautionary tale you tell your daughters before they go to sleep at night because you never want to see them get hurt in the way most – if not all – girls inevitably do.
Of all the regrets I have, I wouldn’t change the lessons I have learned. I wouldn’t change the life I have lived, not only because I can’t – but because I have come to terms with the way my heart works.
To quote a movie – and a book – “The more people you let in the more they have a chance to walk right out of your life.”
And as much as I wish this quote wasn’t true, it is – because I have felt it first hand. For me – and I think I have said this before – loss comes easier than love – because for me – I learned loss before I could understand what love was.
The reason I spent weekends watching trashy teen dramas [ and yes this is diluted ] was to understand the way other people thought. For them it wasn’t thoughts of falling one parent short of being an orphan, it wasn’t contingency plans if mom dies. It wasn’t black dresses and churches and services and flowers and casseroles – it was boys, and designer brands – it was drinking yourself stupid and talking about the things you shouldn’t have done on Saturday come Monday morning.
So for me – teen dramas were the way out – because I didn’t have to let anyone in and I didn’t have to watch any more people I cared about – walk out.
I get caught up in the nights I should have had, the boys I should have kissed, the mistakes I couldn’t make because – because if something happened to me my family would suffer. My greatest sin before being reborn in college was not living my own life but the mistake of only existing in the pages of my novels and pretending that I could escape from my nightmares.
My sin in college was pushing people away to see who would come back – and hurting more when the first guy I hooked up with didn’t. My greatest sin has not been a tragedy though. Because I don’t believe in living tragedies. Because – like Shakespeare – even the greatest tragedies can be made into comedies.
If my life was a movie – you would think it sad. But in reality the choices I have made – the decisions that have defined me only prove that when it comes to love – and when it comes to my heart.
When I watched “to all the boys I’ve loved” the other day I wondered how many people feel the way I do. I wondered what my chance at love was if it still scared me. I wondered what my odds were if my biggest fear wasn’t being forgotten or dying, but being left behind. And I don’t know when those answers will come, or when love will – and that sucks but it doesn’t mean I cant learn from what scares me. I guess it took me writing this [ and who knows what else in regards to soul searching ] that while
I was always the awkward angry type. I grew up watching rom coms and believing that – this is what life could be like. Believing – I could one day fall for my best friend and then that would be it – because he would feel the same way and we’d keep being friends and grow the relationship from there.
When the movie ends, they never show you what happens after the “happily ever after” they just fade to credits and you assume that the characters walked off into the sunset without any issue.
A couple years back I was working up to a couple sunset moments. I mean they all started like a movie so who was I to not be a hopeless romantic and assume they could end in the same way. [ I was wrong ] See my freshman year I broke someone’s heart – hell maybe I even broke a few, but it wasn’t until the following year when I was chasing a dream – that I realized the most important heart I broke that year was my own.
Four years ago my life restarted, I was just starting college – coming off of the most incredible summer of my life. I was ready for my life to change and sure enough it was.
Then I started dealing with reality…
See what they don’t tell you when you get to school is that nine out of ten people have just as much family drama and just as many family disfunctions as you do. I personally found this comforting in my own twisted way – but it didn’t make dealing with everything any easier.
I ran from a lot my first year of school. I ran from boys, friends, obligations, my past – but most importantly I ran from myself.
Now like I said I broke a couple hearts that year – but it wasn’t until a big part of me left that I realized how dangerous my own actions could be when it came to my heart.
My sophomore and junior year of college I learned the importance of blocking people. And to be completely honest it was never their fault – but my own. I don’t know how many drunk texts I sent to the guys who dared to show interest in me, but they almost never ended well.
It was around this time – or rather Christmas that I started referring to someone I used to know as the one
Have you ever met that person that gets you? The one who understands exactly who you are. Sees through the disguise. Knows all your flaws and knows that the way you see yourself is the hardest weight to carry?
I have.
And I scared him off.
See the truth is – you never think you’re going to lose someone. You never assume that a skipped goodbye will turn into three years of waiting to see someone again. You never assume that one person – who you care so deeply about because you know that your relationship will never be the same as it was when you met – will leave.
but it happens
Look take it from someone who has watched people up and leave. Who has gotten jealous over nothing and written novels about her mistakes – its easy to wish someone gone in a moment, but having them follow through – having them walk away unexpectedly – it haunts you.
For me this guy will always be the one who got away. And while I know there was nothing I could have done – I know there is a lot I should have done differently.
Truth is life pulls us in a million different directions – to a dozen different places, and maybe the way we have worked it out to be in our heads isn’t the way it was meant to be – but that doesn’t mean we wont wonder.
Almost ten years ago, I’ll never forget spending the night at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, MA for what would be the last of a five year battle. My mother, who was terminally ill with breast cancer, was in a medically induced coma to stop her pain and suffering. You would think that during this time, everything would be hitting the fan, that my emotions would be out of control and I would be hysterically crying, but I wasn’t. You see, since I was in the second grade, I saw my mothers very turbulent battle with this type of cancer. What most people don’t know is that during some of the lowest points in her health, I was there for her always and I will never forget what she told me.
My mother was the oldest in a family of six other siblings. As you could imagine life back then was both a growing experience and a true test of character. What I know of her during this time was the story she told me and those who have recounted her life. I’ll never forget hearing about what a true indigo leader she was, someone who was an empath and was not fully aware of her gift.A lot of these gifts, I also have as her and I shared a very unique bond.
My sister, who my mother loved dearly may have been the oldest, but my mom loved her more than life itself. Though I am not close to her now, I know my mom would have been so proud of the woman she has become because she really is independent, strong, and fully capable of doing anything she sets her mind to. With her, if it isn’t happening,she will make it happen. I’ve always admired her for this, and my mother did to. I know like everyone we all doubt ourselves, but she was gifted with ambition and strength.
As for me, well after my mother passed in that hospital, I found peace, but I never really dealt with the part of me that died that day. The change that would occur in the family and the moments we would all have that my mom would no longer get to experience. For the remaining years in high school, I had a very difficult time without her. I was trying to come into myself and was doing so in a very immature and public way that I sometimes regret, but like anything- I learned so much about myself and who I was and was able to realize that life continues moving on. Now I feel stagnant and it’s time to start changing things, sometimes to get back to the drawing board, we have to remember the struggles and challenges we’ve had, how we overcame them and that we can do that again.
My father remarried and I am so happy for him and the family, as the years have gone on, I am so happy with the way things are now. I really love how cool my step mother is, how loving and supportive she is and that there is life again in my house.
You might be thinking, well why are you bringing all of this up? Whats the point? I wanted to use this blog as a journal and space to get my feelings out and share with you the process and journey. I think too often times we’re too focused on the end result and not the mountains you have to move to get there. With all of this being said, I am now at another turning point in my life and it’s time to make things happen and continue with entrepreneurship. I am about to take the road less traveled, but I know that in the end, this is what I’m being called to do. Life for me is just starting and i’m trying to embrace it with open arms!
I’d like to say I’m accepting applications for America’s next best kisser, but I don’t know if he is here. I mean Anne Hathaway had to become a fricken princess of Genovia to get the kind of men I’d like to find. So my hope is a little skewed.
So I am utterly and completely one of those God Damn Independent types that DOES NOT NEED A MAN, but, that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a man who knows how to kiss me like I deserve every once in a while.
Now this doesn’t have to be a gender normative type of story. I can assume that a few of us know what I am talking about. It’s that feeling when they kiss you so good that you still feel it echoing through your lips when it ends. The kind of kiss that makes you want to tell your best friend the moment after it happens – the kind of kiss that makes your foot POP.
As a teenager I waited a long time for my first kiss. I was a senior in high school writing about romance and knowing nothing about it. I would still write love stories, but most of my “research” was television based. It wasn’t until my senior homecoming dance that I couldn’t wait anymore – so I kissed the first boy who offered.
Shortly after this I wrote my first love story – with much better descriptions of what it was like to be kissed and kissed well – it’s no wonder the story caught the eye of Delaware Scholastic Competition Judges.
I think my hopeless romantic edge comes from romantic comedies being my first experience of love. I developed a look but don’t touch mentality, falling in love through a screen for men like Paul Wesley and Zac Efron and Cody Linley from Hannah Montana.
But the thing was – movies never made up for the real feeling and they still don’t.
A lot of people measure time in different ways – lately I have been thinking about the timeline of kisses. I mean what if we measured time by the last time we felt something more than just Lust or Loss, Fear or Bravery, what if time was measured in unexpected moments.
I didn’t think it would be the last, and I regret that it was. Turns out I made a couple more mistakes than I can remember – and I am sorry for that, but truth is – he hadn’t made my foot pop since the first time he kissed me. And maybe that is my fault to, but maybe measuring time in those great – charged – unexpected moments, is the key to keeping things exciting, and the key to us continuing a mutual chase no matter who our relationship is with.
My mother likes to tell me that water seeks its own level – that in relationships we look for what we are used to. For me this means I look for a man like my father, one who makes me laugh, who is a bit rough around the edges, but cares and cooks and listens… but what often happens is – I don’t find a guy like that but instead I settle for a man I know won’t be around much – and while that is great for any future lover who has a life, it often just reminds me that love [or like even] tend to flicker and fade quickly like overused lightbulbs.
I realize that sometimes I get caught up in the idea of someone. As if I had never felt adrenaline – as if doing something I knew was bad for me never felt so amazing. As if one guy could be the only neon fast food sign I’ve seen in 50 miles and all I want is to skid to a stop. I’ve been the girl that turns on the light switch to a room I am not meant to be in and regretted it later – See the truth is we can’t force the way we feel about people. We can want and need something but just because a guy fits the description, doesn’t mean he’s fit to be your prince.
I mean….
In the princess diaries Mia had the perfect guy right under her nose – but she thought the popular guy was better. She raced through her life burning out her stang’ to catch the guy that didn’t even care. Maybe I should have learned from that more than I have.
At the end of the day I guess I have spent a lot of time settling, and while it has lead to some pretty epic kisses – I think I still have a lot to learn until I find that really special “foot poppin” guy.
Let’s be honest, dating is hard nowadays. Well not hard but not easy and definitely too complicated. It’s not as simple as just saying two people like each other and should start from there. Nope. You have to like the same type of shows, music, hobbies, style, brands, animals, colors, and more; and you have to agree on all that before you meet in person or even date. Not like you go on a date to get to know the person, nope that’d be unheard of. To actually spend time dating and then see if you two want a relationship with each other,
Call me old fashioned but when I think of dating someone it isn’t just to kill time or because I’m lonely; I actually take it seriously. I don’t mean I viewing every relationship as “I may marry this person” but I know that it’s a commitment and takes time and effort. I just don’t understand how some people can bounce from one “serious” relationship to the other. How can someone jump right into another relationship after being “committed” and “invested” to someone else just weeks prior? Well here’s why, maybe, just maybe it’s because they weren’t really committed or invested to that person to begin with. They were committed to the idea of being with someone because it can be scary to be alone. Especially when you are constantly surrounded by those happy couples we see online. Because let’s be honest,
But do you really think those people are happy? In my opinion a relationship works best when the least amount of people are involved in it. In other words it should only include those two people!!!
Why is it that we live in the generation of having to show everyone everything? Why must we all gloat about who has the better life, or even worse, boasting about whose life sucks the most? Since when did being in a relationship have to be always being with that person; and if they aren’t together all the time or in constant communication, it meant they “fell out of love”.
No, just no, a relationship doesn’t mean talking all day everyday, it doesn’t mean posting about each other 24/7, and it definitely doesn’t mean spending every waking moment with each other and dropping everyone and everything around you for someone else.
A relationship doesn’t always have to be moving forward, it’s okay to be at a stand still for a while. It’s ok to be separate and live separate lives, its okay to spend time with your friends, and its okay to hold onto what makes you, you. You were who you were before that relationship happened and you still are during and after it.
You’re never going to find your perfect match so stop looking! A relationship takes time, it can’t be found on an app, can’t be made with social media, and certainly doesn’t work if there is no trust. But hey ever think there’s no trust because trust takes time? And if you’re jumping from one person to the next it won’t work? Everything takes time, especially when it’s getting to know someone else.
We are told the the trick to a happy and long lasting relationship is communication, but is there such a thing as over communication? YES
It’s like our generation skipped the phase of relationships, where you actually go on dates and get to know the person. I don’t just mean “netflix and chilling” either, I mean an actual date where you stick it out even if you aren’t feeling anything. Scary I know! Actually being face to face with someone, being forced to enjoy each other’s company and not being able to hide behind a phone or filter! Terrifying!!!! Or how about actually going up to someone and asking for their number or just striking up random conversation? In this day and age, I don’t think so!! Right off the bat you’ll be called “thirsty” or “a creep”. It’s like you can’t win!
Dating is scary nowadays, and technology has not made it easier. I swear technology is the reason dating has changed. Now with social media being at its peak, you’re never sure if the person your with has 50 people sliding into their DM’s, or liking other people’s “questionable” photos. It’s so easy today to just move on it seems.
I remember growing up and hearing stories from my grandparents on what dating was like in the 50’s. Now that sounds like my kind of dating, where a date could be as simple as going for a ride in the car and just talking all night; and if you were lucky you got to even hold hands! But today, its like you meet on an app, meet up at someone’s house (because god forbid you go in public), turn on netflix, then BAM sex. Just like that, no effort was put in, the sex didn’t mean anything to anyone; you just leave and one person hopes the other one texts them the next day. Pretty sad if you ask me. No chase anymore, no respect, and yet that’s what everyone is doing nowadays. Then people complain that they feel used, disrespected, and cheap. WELL DUUHHH, did you really think that was the foundation for a relationship?
Dating is a concept of truly opening yourself up to someone, allowing them to see all of you even, the sides of you that aren’t the prettiest. But what I have learned is that those who truly see your ugly sides and still chose to stay, those are the ones we should hold onto. Because in reality no one is perfect, and we are constantly changing and learning new things about ourselves our whole lives. Dating should take time, it should mean something to both people, and by all means it should be something that takes effort and work.
Some people are impulsive, some can jump in the car down a one way road and not panic five miles down. me? I’m the one that turns back.
Call it anxiety, call it a lack of guts – something has never quite stuck when it came to being impulsive. So you can imagine that, when, in a single week, I maxed out my impulse control and did 9/10 things I knew I probably shouldn’t.
Those among us who don’t speed, who don’t spend 100 dollars [minimum] every time they go to target [must be nice]. There’s a gift to staying to the status quo, keeping your head down and doing what your told… or is there.
I used to be the good kid [as if it ended… I am still a good person, adult kid? whatever]. I was little miss goody two shoes – don’t get me wrong I defied my parents at home but in public and in the eyes of the law, my biggest fear was becoming a screw up. But I guess life has a funny way of turning that around. My freshman year roommate would have regarded these times as “god gotcha” moments. As if karma had finally come to take a chunk straight out of my butt.
See the truth is my life is a series of unplanned and often unfortunate events. So for me, being safe isn’t a choice it’s a way to control the controables and keep my head on straight – because if something happens to me… point is something can’t happen to me.
See for me I can’t afford the wrath of Karma so I don’t give reason to be afraid of it. I follow the rules, I work, I study, I learn quickly from mistakes and I fix whatever is broken. But that isn’t how we are meant to live is it?
I never used to be wild. I’m probably still not by most definitions – but recently I hit a point in my life where I realized that being an adult really means that we have no idea what were doing with our lives, yet people look up to us as if we do. For me this made me realize that I should make more mistakes, and so that’s what I told a room full of graduating seniors.
About two maybe three months ago I did the ballsiest thing I have ever done… I followed a speech by Delaware’s own, Christopher Coons – and to be quite honest I am surprised I didn’t pass out. But that unplanned moment is something I will take with me through much of my adult life, and here’s what I said.
paraphrased: Look I never thought I would follow Chris Coons but I used to sit where you did, I’m a little more washed up now but I’ve learned a thing or two since I was here so bear with me.
So first I want to say, you’re going to miss this. You’re going to miss the silence and the people and the feeling and this place so take it in. Some of you may think this has been the best four years or the next four years will be, I hope its not the case – because what comes next will always push you to be better.
I want to say is how unimaginably proud I am of this class. See Matthew McCaughey gave a speech talking about his hero, he said it was always himself ten years from the moment he was in… for me its all of you. The amount of time I have spent in awe of the stories my brother tells me and how much I bragged to all my friends and how you spoke up for those around you… I couldn’t be more impressed and I can’t imagine being more proud than I am of what I know you will accomplish.
so here’s a bit of advice.
one – make mistakes, don’t be perfect its the only way you’ll learn
two – take time to do this to be silent. I meant what I said when I said you would miss it. Take time to find yourself because giving up that time once a week is hard and no one will know what a quaker is – be ready for that
and three remember to come home, because we will always need you here… and honestly there’s no other place like it.
The funny thing is that three years ago I hated going home, I was still scared from high school and I never liked going back. Three years ago I wouldn’t have had the voice or the guts to get up and speak in the middle of a crowded room of parents, but this time I had to and I wouldn’t trade that for the world.
Risks don’t have to be head first dives into the kiddie pool or picking a fight. Risk is just another word for jumping out of your comfort zone and while I have lived outside of my comfort zone since the month I graduated college, I wouldn’t change the choices I’ve made.
See the funny thing about growing up and going through the loss and the triumphs that I have is this – each moment has lead me to the person I am today, and if I like that person [ because of and despite her mistakes ] well then isn’t that what life is about?
Maybe growing up isn’t about being an adult after all, maybe its about finding the inner child that allowed us to jump past obstacles and not let fear control us. Maybe growing up is really just about coming to terms with who we should be, and maybe who we should be – is the person we were all along.
They were filled with little black dresses, cat fights, trips to the precinct to make statements [more than once]. They were sub-tweets, funerals, drunk people at parties and me watching myself fall over and over and over again just to get back up and dust myself off.
The moments I never planned were the ones that made me. And honestly – there aren’t too many that I would write off or wish away.
Growing up, my biggest regret became the way I made my brother hate me – lucky for me he has since forgiven me and I could not be more grateful for the relationship we now have.
I know I am not the only one to say that being a sibling is hard. I mean – it isn’t, but it is. I was alone for years before my brother came along, apparently only child syndrome was like a really bad case of the flu for me – easy to catch but a pain in the butt to get rid of.
Resentment ran rampant in my life for a long time, but like I said – seeing my brother grow into the man he is today, watching him love me the way he used to… I wouldn’t trade it for the world.
So in honor of my baby bro going to college last week I wanted to commemorate the occasion by sharing what it feels like “when he grows up”.
Watching my brother grow up was one of life’s many bitter sweet miseries. Most of his young adulthood I was at college and he was at home. SO – every time I went home he had miraculously grown three inches taller and his voice dropped three octaves. This was hard to watch – and it still is because I feel like I am missing out on so much and on so many of the little moments that made him the man he is today.
Again – I’m not a mom… I just act like one.
The number of times I try to teach my brother something he already knows is astounding. AKA I soon learned that by some sheer act of nature my brother became [in many ways] way more brilliant than I see myself to be.
In this watching him grow up, listening to him speak about politics and policy and religion, and relationships was a gift. He went from ranting about relatives wanting to know only about school to having intelligent conversations that baffled me.
What I am quickly learning, being on the other side of watching someone grow up is how remarkable some people are and how genuinely kind they can be. For me this is hard, and I assume that anyone who is in a similar situation feels the same. And at the end of the day I guess it just makes me lucky to wonder “how could I be so lucky to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”
if you ever read this, I want you to know how unfathomably proud I am of the person you have become. I want you to know how hard it is to watch you grow up, and how scared I am that the big bad world has you under its wing now. Bud, I know you’ll come out the other end all right but be careful. I can’t tell you how hard it is to watch you grow up – but you’re doing an amazing job. And I couldn’t be happier to be a part of your journey – even if it feels like you might be a mile ahead for a while.
I would like to say that my brother hasn’t already grown up – but he has. But when he grows up more – when I stop believing that he is not the baby brother I have always known and mostly loved… I expect nothing less than greatness.
In short, watching him grow up has been hard, heck, watching anyone grow up is hard, and more than that – earning his respect [at one point] was difficult, but when he grows up – when he becomes the person I know he will be… when I can finally come to terms with him being 18 and in college and in the real world… well, that will be impossible – But it will also be priceless.
and I for one – can’t wait.
Awkward n' Adulting 
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