Tag Archives: Dating

Why you should never date the guy who comes to you with other girl drama

Mom never warned you about him. The home grown, grass fed, US of A home town hero. He was raised on the Sandlot, on mallo’s and grahams – he’s the guy next-door, brought up on good ol’ fashioned values and he can’t catch a break with women but he really likes you. Sound familiar?

He’s the one that calls you about all the other girls, spends nights sitting with you talking about how awful girls can be, as if you after surviving high school and middle school knew nothing about how girls could be.

You sympathize, and he likes that. But then he takes kindness for infatuation and before you know it he takes a swing and aims for the outfield expecting you to catch his heart on the pop fly.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with this. With guys trusting girl friends, with guys being vulnerable and opening up – in fact that should be encouraged more, but it is the tone they use that defines the relationship that will follow.

He isn’t Friendzoned but he’s headed that way

Until this point you’ve always been that friend, that girl, that “DUFF” of sorts that agrees with him, that hypes him up and gives him the confidence he needs. But when he asks you out… well.

Alright ladies, I know you have all been there. You all have that hopeless romantic guy friend who – despite seeming like one of the nicest humans out there can’t seem to catch a break when it comes to the ladies. I have at least 5 in my life at any time. But – then you take the leap, you go out, and… yeeeeahhh.

Enter – the Friendzone

First dates don’t always work out. If they did a lot more of us would be madly in love and a lot more trusting of our emotions. But they often head more toward the friend zone than the romantic zone.

Don’t date this one

Truth is, I have spent years going for the ones that go for me like a shark in bloodied water. But none of the relationships work out. At the end of the day you can’t date the ones that complain about other girls. Date the one who talks fondly of others and be the person they talk fondly about.

At the end of the day it isn’t about what they gave you, how much the dinner cost or how or if it ended. It’s about the experience. So go after the ones that experience life. Not the ones who dwell on its shortcomings.

I’d like to order a “F***boy”

If you’re not looking for a hook up nowadays, good luck dating! We have seem to be stuck in this F***boy generation, you know what I mean. That generation where dating is sending nudes, sliding into DM’s, swiping left and right, being selected based off of a picture (even if it is not a picture of who you really are). Its a sad time, its a time where the saying “its whats on the inside that counts” could not be more wrong! 

Sorry hopeless romantics, unfortunately this is the sad reality we live in. Its an interesting time where being overweight but not too overweight is sexy and if you don’t have all the right curves in all the right places you’re-looked over; BUT while being told its okay be confident in who you are. Then we have all these sub groups and titles, by the people who scream the loudest “DONT LABEL ME”…. all very confusing. Any-who then we get to the infamous “F***boy”. 

You may ask yourself “what really is a “F***boy”?” And how can I get one?” Wwwweeeelllllllll let me tell you!

A F***boy is what we refer to as a guy who is only looking for sex and will do ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING to get it. This includes lying, cheesy lines, spoiling you in compliments, giving you a fake sense of love, paired by talking to 5-8 other girls, saying the same things to them, guilting you into feeling bad about saying no, being emotionally unavailable, and to top it off he is a PRO at ghosting! Now doesn’t that sound appealing? Doesn’t that just sound like the kind of guy you want to be with! And the worst part about it all and they come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors! The nerd can be a F***boy, the jock, the quiet one, the funny one, even the friend! So good luck picking which are and which aren’t! Though I will say not all guys are F***boys, just about 82.458% are.

Some tips on how to spot the infamous F***boy is by posting a very flirty picture on social media, wait a few minutes and bam, they will flock! But how to pick which one you will waste the next 2-3 months on, well thats easy! They’ll be the one that keeps blowing up your phone till you give them attention, then slowly become distant! After that comes the nudes, then the hook up, then the lovely questioning yourself. With such questions like, “I don’t know what gave them the idea I just wanted to hook up! why aren they leaving me on read?” And that is when you know you have bagged a successful F***boy!

Will that be cash or credit? 

In all honesty everybody, respect yourself, if a person wants to chill so badly based off of aspects of your body, that is no reason to spend time with someone. If you stand by what you feel is right for yourself and someone has an issue with it, let them go. Respect is everything in any type of relationship, don’t let anyone tell you what you want; in fears of losing someone that was never really yours to begin with.

Slutty or Single – the ‘Nice Guy’ and the Lack of a Middle Ground

In this day and age, I struggle to understand dating culture. If I am single, I have to be clear what I am looking for, but if I don’t take the bait quick enough I am a prude. Similarly, if I am very interested but decide that this is not a good route for me, I am playing games or a slut.

So for me, personally, it sometimes feels like I can’t win. And I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way.

The Break Down

The ones who are interested don’t always commit [they prefer the buffet rather than the steak dinner], the ones who commit – ought to be committed with how fast they plan our future, and well, the ones in between don’t respond to you texting first because that is against protocol? Then, of course, you have the weekend flings, the line drive sliders [popping right into the Direct Messages] Now obviously these standard experiences do not wholly represent the population. I for one know a dozen brilliant, beautiful and amazing humans, but for every ‘good guy’ and goofball there is another a** hat who cheats, guilt’s, or pushes the envelope.

and yes. sometimes that one DB ruins the dating pool for the good ones and the ones who end up being a shoulder to cry on but that shouldn’t be the case. I mean …When did the first question in dating become “is he, or she, slutty and single? And what chance do I have with someone like that?’ when did dating become a death trap? and what can we, as young people do to change that?

Enter the Nice Guy

So I am one of those people who has messed up when it comes to finding the good ones. From my experience, the nice guy is the wrong guy, but the bad boy breaks your heart. And while every girl wants the boy who treats her right, she too quickly falls for the one that talks right, walks right, etc. etc. etc.

So technically, I have “dated” a lot of bad boys, but I have also never been in a relationship… Confused? Me too – but here’s how I see it – when I say dating, I  don’t mean officially in a relationship, but if someone has asked me out a couple times (on dates) and I have gone on said dates, I can reasonably assume that we are dating… right? – at least that would make sense, but no, often the good guys are the ones who want to date and the bad boys are just the ones we are talking with. So why don’t we go for the good ones?

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The Good Guy is the One that Stays

He’s the one who sticks around at the end of the party to walk you home, he can seem like a dork because “people like him don’t exist” [except they do]. He’s the one you can count on and the one who will tell you how it is.

In essence, the good guy is the one you underestimate but after living with the stereotypical “good guy” for most of my life [ie. baby bro] the good guy is also the one that gets the most hurt.

SO WHY DONT THE GOOD GIRLS GO FOR THE GOOD GUYS ???

I honestly don’t know – maybe we’re stupid, maybe we’ve lost the trust, maybe we don’t see you, but in any event, I think when it comes to being “Slutty or Single – when it comes to the ‘Nice Guy’ and the Lack of a Middle Ground” the middle ground we’re actually looking for is the good guy! 

but what do you think mr. mrs. or etc interweb – where do you think the middle ground is – and what do ‘we – the people’ need to do to get our heads out of our a**** and find it?

 

What is dating nowadays?

Let’s be honest, dating is hard nowadays. Well not hard but not easy and definitely too complicated. It’s not as simple as just saying two people like each other and should start from there. Nope. You have to like the same type of shows, music, hobbies, style, brands, animals, colors, and more; and you have to agree on all that before you meet in person or even date. Not like you go on a date to get to know the person, nope that’d be unheard of. To actually spend time dating and then see if you two want a relationship with each other,

“nope because people fear wasting their

time.”

 Call me old fashioned but when I think of dating someone it isn’t just to kill time or because I’m lonely; I actually take it seriously. I don’t mean I viewing every relationship as “I may marry this person” but I know that it’s a commitment and takes time and effort. I just don’t understand how some people can bounce from one “serious” relationship to the other. How can someone jump right into another relationship after being “committed” and “invested” to someone else just weeks prior? Well here’s why, maybe, just maybe it’s because they weren’t really committed or invested to that person to begin with. They were committed to the idea of being with someone because it can be scary to be alone. Especially when you are constantly surrounded by those happy couples we see online. Because let’s be honest,

“Nothing’s official till it’s social media official”.

But do you really think those people are happy? In my opinion a relationship works best when the least amount of people are involved in it. In other words it should only include those two people!!!

Why is it that we live in the generation of having to show everyone everything? Why must we all gloat about who has the better life, or even worse, boasting about whose life sucks the most? Since when did being in a relationship have to be always being with that person; and if they aren’t together all the time or in constant communication, it meant they “fell out of love”.

No, just no, a relationship doesn’t mean talking all day everyday, it doesn’t mean posting about each other 24/7, and it definitely doesn’t mean spending every waking moment with each other and dropping everyone and everything around you for someone else.

A relationship doesn’t always have to be moving forward, it’s okay to be at a stand still for a while. It’s ok to be separate and live separate lives, its okay to spend time with your friends, and its okay to hold onto what makes you, you. You were who you were before that relationship happened and you still are during and after it.

A relationship is two separate people coming together and sharing moments, not being the same person and living the same life.”

You’re never going to find your perfect match so stop looking! A relationship takes time, it can’t be found on an app, can’t be made with social media, and certainly doesn’t work if there is no trust. But hey ever think there’s no trust because trust takes time? And if you’re jumping from one person to the next it won’t work? Everything takes time, especially when it’s getting to know someone else.

We are told the the trick to a happy and long lasting relationship is communication, but is there such a thing as over communication? YES

“Personally I don’t understand how people can text and call each other all day everyday, talking non-stop; because once you are physically with them what is there to talk about?”

It’s like our generation skipped the phase of relationships, where you actually go on dates and get to know the person. I don’t just mean “netflix and chilling” either, I mean an actual date where you stick it out even if you aren’t feeling anything. Scary I know! Actually being face to face with someone, being forced to enjoy each other’s company and not being able to hide behind a phone or filter! Terrifying!!!! Or how about actually going up to someone and asking for their number or just striking up random conversation? In this day and age, I don’t think so!! Right off the bat you’ll be called “thirsty” or “a creep”. It’s like you can’t win!

Dating is scary nowadays, and technology has not made it easier. I swear technology is the reason dating has changed. Now with social media being at its peak, you’re never sure if the person your with has 50 people sliding into their DM’s, or liking other people’s “questionable” photos. It’s so easy today to just move on it seems.

“It’s like ever since sex was easier to get, love is harder to find”

I remember growing up and hearing stories from my grandparents on what dating was like in the 50’s. Now that sounds like my kind of dating, where a date could be as simple as going for a ride in the car and just talking all night; and if you were lucky you got to even hold hands! But today, its like you meet on an app, meet up at someone’s house (because god forbid you go in public), turn on netflix, then BAM sex. Just like that, no effort was put in, the sex didn’t mean anything to anyone; you just leave and one person hopes the other one texts them the next day. Pretty sad if you ask me. No chase anymore, no respect, and yet that’s what everyone is doing nowadays. Then people complain that they feel used, disrespected, and cheap. WELL DUUHHH, did you really think that was the foundation for a relationship?

Everyone wants that picture perfect relationship but without any of the work”

Dating is a concept of truly opening yourself up to someone, allowing them to see all of you even, the sides of you that aren’t the prettiest. But what I have learned is that those who truly see your ugly sides and still chose to stay, those are the ones we should hold onto. Because in reality no one is perfect, and we are constantly changing and learning new things about ourselves our whole lives. Dating should take time, it should mean something to both people, and by all means it should be something that takes effort and work.

A Date is NOT a D*** Appointment

Maybe this next one won’t apply to you, but right now it is time to get real about a topic that a lot of us have on our minds… hookups. Enter the term ‘Dick Appointment.’ Now as a tasteful young lady don’t think ill of me for using this term; while obscure this slang actually and boldly details what some girls to be a scheduled hookup. It isn’t my favorite term… but it gets the point across.

If you go on a date you hope they call you back, but if you schedule a d*** appointment it is more like a visit to the doctors office, they only call once in a while when they need to check and make sure everything still works alright – and that is ok because the expectations on both ends are very different.

The Down and Dirty

Now guys, for a lot of us, we don’t want to be your 3 am booty call. Some do, but many do not. And for girls who are looking for something real – know that this kind of appointment won’t necessarily give you the all clear. See there is a difference between no strings attached and someone pulling on your heart strings so what troubles me most in dating culture today is the general wants and needs of the public. In general we WANT fun, to get to know someone, to be spontaneous, but what we NEED is a sense of honesty rather than entitlement. In other words having NEEDS and what we NEED are very different things.

On my Philosophies

Look I never expected to be any type of relationship writer. Heck most of my life my romantic experience was from television. Shows like “Sex in the City” taught me how to feel and be sexy without letting life [or men] get to me, and shows like “The Vampire Diaries” taught me the meaning of love in an oddly raw teen romance kind of sense.pexels-photo-1247933

Truth is, I don’t like making appointments with people I am interested in. I think that guys should call rather than snapchat if they are truly interested, and that if anyone likes a person because this happens in all relationships, effort should be put in on both sides to communicate what each party wants.

If that makes me old fashioned then fine, but there is more to life and love than the hints I have picked up and put down over the past couple months. At the end of the day, if you want sex to be a transaction, that is your choice. But a date… its not a d*** appointment because no one should be treated like that.

It’s not the other person’s fault

I have noticed lately that people play games. We do it to keep ourselves safe, to keep the playing field even, but from a female perspective I have to play devils advocate and call out the women who are playing with their own set of rules.

Recently, someone close to me was used. As a trusting person this guy fell for a girl and she broke his heart. For nice guys finding someone their age is hard. The young ones compete against the ones who talk smooth but treat people wrong and the old ones just do what they can to prove they care.

The end or the beginning

At the end of the day nothing seems to be fair in love and war, but that doesn’t mean we have to stop fighting. What steps can you do to change the stigma and end this war.

Good luck, God Speed, and Happy Friday Folks.

 

An Open Letter to My ALMOST Ex

Dear…

I know we didn’t date. Maybe it felt more real for me than you. Maybe I wanted to convince myself I liked you because I liked the attention, or because I liked having something to talk about on girls nights out [sorry to the friends that listened and knew better]. Maybe I was sick of feeling like I was missing out on things I had never done.

I know we didn’t date. And I know it seems like I thought we did. Like I hung on your every word and waited for my phone to buzz hoping it would be you, but being horny and falling for someone are two different things, so don’t flatter yourself.

Truth is you were great. And I know we didn’t date – but if we did, I know you would have been good to me. I remember sweet moments with you away from your friends, moments you didn’t try to act macho, or push me too far. I remember times when I actually almost let myself fall for you over the feelings in my head, but you should know that it was only ever ALMOST.

Look… I know we didn’t date – but don’t think you’re special.  And honestly, the reason I get hung up is because I wasn’t the one who got to call it off. pexels-photo-1070970

I know we didn’t date. But you should know that you aren’t the first guy I knew was wrong and you wont be the last, so if that makes me crazy then yeah, I am. 

I know we didn’t date – and I know I might have been crazy at times – but you should know that all I’ve ever wanted was for someone to fight for me, and with your background, I’m not crazy to think you could.

I know we didn’t date – but was it a crime to get jealous? Was it a crime to call it off when I found out you had other girls in your room before you came over to mine. Was I wrong to not want to be another notch on your bed post? Another girl to get you off? Was I wrong to want more from myself and not just you? No.

I know we didn’t date. I know part of me wished we could have, but at least I knew from the beginning that you were wrong. That the red flags I ran past would allow me a trail back to the girl I was before I slept with you.

I know we didn’t date. and I know you think I am crazy, but at least I know now that your actual ex’s weren’t. Because I know we didn’t date, but if you talk about me behind my back like you do them, then the story you have warped in your head tells girls more about you than the stories you tell them.

So to my almost ex… Thank you… because I know we didn’t date – but what I learned from you, and you, and you, was something I should have learned the first time through. What I learned from you is that I should have known I deserved better, I should come first (in more than one way) and that red flags can’t always be the breadcrumbs that lead me home. but to my almost ex’s – thank you for telling someone else behind my back that were through. because truth be told, I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t made one or two mistakes with you.

bye…

and honestly thank you

 

 

Slutty or Single – the Lack of a Middle Ground pt1

The 22 Year Single Streak

I grew up in a cul-de-sac. By the time I was 14 I was watching romantic movies and teen dramas to get a gage for what my love life could be like [in theory.] And lacking any other point of reference than High School Musical and Desperate Housewives, I set my expectations high – fell for some people I barely knew, and wished that dating culture now was more like a romance noel rather than a Jersey Shore re-run.

at 22, I have never been in love, only in like – but even then, I worry about finding someone. but the worst part, is that people keep telling you you’ll get there, but they don’t know the side steps and shortcuts you’ve taken to feel something rather than nothing.

What I have found: Dating in 2018 is hard – but it is no one persons fault, it’s the system. In 2018 apps like tinder, bumble and coffee meets bagel make it easier for young people to expand their dating options, but are your options actually expanded if everyone is just playing a game? The epic gamification of swipe style dating culture has become a vastly hit or miss system that for me, has warped my idea of meeting that dream guy at a bar by chance.

The Process

Looking at my own love life [and maybe this applies to you too] I have used all of the apps above. I have tried to find dates on bumble but am often too confident to find a suitor. So what I have found is that often times the other party either is not interested in a date or doesn’t provide enough substance for me to know I can make it through that date [this is fine, it happens.] But then – Time passes, I get bored, I delete my account – then the cycle starts again.

For me, I have essentially been stuck in a talking phase for most of my adult life – and as for the men I meet at school or in my professional life, well those never really went how I wanted them to either. In short, at any point in my life, I can view myself as one of two things – Slutty, or Single, but what I constantly ask myself is… where is the middle ground?

The Rewind

Everyone has their own level of comfort when it comes to promiscuous behavior, mine has always been on the side of the lesser -o n the few occasions I have woken up in someone else’s bed, I walked home feeling like my skin was crawling away from my bones and like I couldn’t trust myself anymore – but the point I make, albeit archaic is that, for me, I never wanted the hook up culture, but occasionally made choices that I regretted.

So have I ever followed the traditional definition of a Slut? no, but the dirty feeling doesn’t seem to go away – and that is what scares me most.

The Present Tense

Status – single, and ready to mingle

At my current age and point in life, I would like to find someone, but like many people trust is an issue. For me it is about being comfortable with myself. Waking up with a smile, or a groan before work is all I need.

I guess what I am trying to say is that right now I am looking for balance, and if someone wants to meet me half way, well then he is more than welcome to meet me in the middle.