When he Grows Up

long story short, the younger version of myself was a total asshole

Growing up, my biggest regret became the way I made my brother hate me – lucky for me he has since forgiven me and I could not be more grateful for the relationship we now have.

I know I am not the only one to say that being a sibling is hard. I mean – it isn’t, but it is. I was alone for years before my brother came along, apparently only child syndrome was like a really bad case of the flu for me – easy to catch but a pain in the butt to get rid of.

Resentment ran rampant in my life for a long time, but like I said – seeing my brother grow into the man he is today, watching him love me the way he used to… I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

So in honor of my baby bro going to college last week I wanted to commemorate the occasion by sharing what it feels like “when he grows up”.

i’m not a mom – i just act like one

Watching my brother grow up was one of life’s many bitter sweet miseries. Most of his young adulthood I was at college and he was at home. SO – every time I went home he had miraculously grown three inches taller and his voice dropped three octaves. This was hard to watch – and it still is because I feel like I am missing out on so much and on so many of the little moments that made him the man he is today.

Again – I’m not a mom… I just act like one.

The number of times I try to teach my brother something he already knows is astounding. AKA I soon learned that by some sheer act of nature my brother became [in many ways] way more brilliant than I see myself to be.

In this watching him grow up, listening to him speak about politics and policy and religion, and relationships was a gift. He went from ranting about relatives wanting to know only about school to having intelligent conversations that baffled me.

What I am quickly learning, being on the other side of watching someone grow up is how remarkable some people are and how genuinely kind they can be. For me this is hard, and I assume that anyone who is in a similar situation feels the same. And at the end of the day I guess it just makes me lucky to wonder “how could I be so lucky to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard”


if you ever read this, I want you to know how unfathomably proud I am of the person you have become. I want you to know how hard it is to watch you grow up, and how scared I am that the big bad world has you under its wing now. Bud, I know you’ll come out the other end all right but be careful. I can’t tell you how hard it is to watch you grow up – but you’re doing an amazing job. And I couldn’t be happier to be a part of your journey – even if it feels like you might be a mile ahead for a while.

when he grows up

I would like to say that my brother hasn’t already grown up – but he has. But when he grows up more – when I stop believing that he is not the baby brother I have always known and mostly loved… I expect nothing less than greatness.

In short, watching him grow up has been hard, heck, watching anyone grow up is hard, and more than that – earning his respect [at one point] was difficult, but when he grows up – when he becomes the person I know he will be… when I can finally come to terms with him being 18 and in college and in the real world… well, that will be impossible – But it will also be priceless.

and I for one – can’t wait.



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