Tag Archives: Life

Kevin at a Desk

Taking Up the Mantle of a Leader

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Its never easy being the one they call on to lead, even when it’s a trip to the local Wendy’s and you’re the DD.

I bet as you are reading this, you can remember the good leaders and the not so good leaders during your lifetime. As the leader, you are the one who inspires action in the darkest of times and comfort when it all goes downhill. You’re the last one to take any credit for the successes and the first one they blame when everything seems to have gone awry. Leadership is difficult, especially when it means taking care of others or even your peers. When I first was given this opportunity at my Alma mater Merrimack College as a Resident Assistant for the Residence life office, it was daunting to say the least, especially after years of other leaders saying I may not be that good. “You’ll never be more than a follower” Yeah maybe that wasn’t cut for me, maybe I wasn’t meant to be a leader and keep people safe.

Or maybe I was the absolute best fit for it.

Never letting the doubters in your head, although tough, has never been an option for me. “I appreciate the feedback guys but there’s a job for me to do and traffic you guys should be playing in.” I found my path although dimly lit and unpaved, I developed myself into a leader who is kind but stern and knows he can get the best out of everyone he works with. The first year and many years on I held myself to a high standard of leadership and always kept adapting and molding my style into what i have today. With the work I have put into myself, I have created opportunities where I can shine, especially as a newly hired Resident Director.

Leadership is something that everyone has it just may not be cultivated until the right moment. As a full-blown adult now I realize now that although leadership is within each of us it takes a certain time or moment for the leadership to shine through; if it is tragedy, triumph or just that right moment when the times call for a person like you. We will all have our time to take up the mantle of being a leader, my time has come as I currently lead a staff of ten fantastically driven Resident Assistants that I hope one day will take up a bigger mantle in their lives and be the good people I know they can be. I just hope they can someday say “I became a leader because of him.”

Higher Thoughts

A Letter To My Angels

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It isn’t Invincibility – But it isn’t Faith Either

over the past few years I came to the conclusion that – while mortality is great and all – I have too many angels around and about to let anything of real consequence happen to me. Now to clarify this doesn’t mean I have taken to jumping out of planes or running into fires to save kittens but it has given me a renewed sense of surviving through the ordinary and the extraordinary.

By now many of you have heard of the fires, explosions and gas leaks in Lawrence Massachusetts – click here for the story – but what you may not know is that I live just north of the river, in an area that lay on the edge of Lawrence and Andover.

Today my heart goes out to the family who lost their son in one of the blasts, the families of the ten people whom were injured, and to those who lost their homes. But today my heart also looks up to the forces that be for protecting me, my friends, and all those who were effected but are safe in the wake of this terrible event.

I don’t believe in Immortality

Not beyond the way writing makes us live on past our own expiration date. But I believe that something stands to protect me because yesterday, in the wake of such frightening events, I was not for a moment – afraid.

The way I see it, I have too many angels to let me join them – and I have too much left to do in my life to allow it to be cut short. I don’t believe in immortality, I don’t believe I am invincible, but I am young and naïve enough to know that if my time was now – well then that would be beyond my control.

I used to NEED Control

But today I woke up with this feeling where [and yeah maybe it was faith] took over and suddenly I wasn’t as stressed as I usually was. In many ways I still would not call myself a godly woman – but if I believe in anything, I believe in my angels – and I could not be more grateful that they are here to watch over me and those I love.

Lastly

I want to ask that we hold all those suffering both here in Massachusetts and those in the wake of hurricane Florence in the Light [ and for those who aren’t familiar with Quakerism – this means we hold them in our thoughts and send love and positivity their way] and I would also like to thank the first responders who were not able to spend last night with their own families because they were selflessly giving to others. Thank you.

Just Post Grad Things

On “Being Prepared” for Grad School

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I signed up for Grad-Advantage thinking it would prepare me for the “one year program” I had remaining in my grad school education – and to be fair, it did in some ways prepare me for what I was to set forth to do – what it didn’t prepare me for however, was the fact that I would have absolutely no life if I lived a “successful” post grad life.

Biting of More than I Could Chew

I thought I could do it all – but where I am now, relative to where I was then is an entirely different mindset. You see for me, I have to work to pay for school, and I need to go to school to do what I love (ie. Track, friends, relationships) but what they didn’t tell me is that I couldn’t be an adult – and I couldn’t be successful and also have it all.

I am currently in my second week of grad school – in fact, as I type I am currently in class receiving the same lecture I heard five times [yes five] during my undergrad career – the only difference ? now I am paying my own money to sit and ‘learn’ at half the pace I do while I am out in the field working.

that being said…

The Classroom is no Match for the Real Thing

Any working American can affirm this but the classroom is no match for real work experience. I have learned more in the past three months than I did in an entire curriculum of college or grad school and to be honest – it is a little frustrating.

Now I get it – I am on my third fourteen hour day this week – I am tired, I am crazy, and I really want my bed – but at the same time I have clear expectations and a sense of worth when it comes to my education, and I can’t be the only one that gets frustrated when the thing that is holding me back from moving up in the ranks is also the very thing that forces me to cling to the ledge of my sanity.

So did I bite off more than I can chew? Definitely – But I will adapt as I always have because I know that this education no matter how tedious it currently feels will pay off in the long run.

In the Long Run

In the long run I want it all. I want to work, to play, to fall in love and earn a salary that can help me afford the number of children I want – but in the short term I feel kind of stuck. I feel stuck because I can’t do what I love without going to work or school, but I also don’t have time after working and schooling to put my heart into what I love.

In the future – ie. next week, I hope to change my tune, but right now I just feel stuck, tired and unprepared – and while I have always known that this is where I am meant to be at this stage in my life – I really do wish I could have it all somehow… and I know I am not the only one.

Higher Thoughts, The Life and Times

What Our Minds Do

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When you think about it, every person is just a matter of bones, tissue, and skin, encased in a figure that our minds created, and for some people they can’t escape that casing. So trapped in their own head all the time, that they have more going on on the inside than what they show on the outside. You know what I’m talking about, when a person is “spacing out” ever wonder what they are thinking about, or how about those who suffer from mental disorders such as schizophrenia or multiple personality disorder. They have built worlds inside their minds, worlds that most people could not even dream of!

I mean worlds with relationships, dream jobs, tragedies, deaths, and more. A world where they aren’t even in control half the time. Is that not crazy to think about? That really who we are, we ourselves have created; physically we are just  bones, tissue, muscle, veins, and more; but who we truly are, we created ourselves, our personality, thoughts, perceptions, etc. So when a person dies, do they really die? Or is just their physical body that has stopped working, but there soul, who they created, relationships they built, are they gone?

I have never viewed death in a religious way, the thought that if someone is good they go to heaven, and i they are bad they go to hell. But who is to say what is good or bad? Who is to say that one person’s perception is universal? Obviously it isn’t since conflict is all around us every day. Personally I believe in what goes around comes around, kind of like karma, I also believe in the energy you give out you get back. We as humans are always looking for something to look up to, to follow, something to give us hope and faith. And from that sprouted religion, religion is a man maid creation; so how are people supposed to believe in an other worldly all powerful figure or figures when they were created from man. Don’t get me wrong it is a nice concept and gives people strength there is no question there, but what about those who don’t believe in an afterlife, when they die do they themself seize to exist anywhere, nothing but bones in the ground?

I tried the whole church thing for years but never really felt anything, it never really clicked or made sense, if anything I felt more judged and more alone. I like to think back over the thousands of religions that have died, been created, or even yet haven’t even been created. People were so sure that greek gods were the reasons for why the sky was blue, the tides changed, the harvest was plenty, the reason love existed, or even when it came to wars, battles, and deaths. And then one day everyone moved on, abandoned their beliefs for something new. All of a sudden those gods weren’t the reason for all those things?

What I’m trying to say is that our minds have created universes, worlds, hope, and so much more. That is the incredible thing about being human, our minds have the power to change the world, unlock thoughts that some people have never thought before, so for those who are silent or trapped in their own mind, they may not be what you think, they could be the people that see the world for how is truly is or they could be the next person who changes everyone’s world and history forever.

 

Higher Thoughts, Just Post Grad Things, The Life and Times

Becca’s Declassified School Survival Guide

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College, the place I heard about my whole life from my mom. The best 4 years of her life; filled with friends, parties, late night adventures, listening to bands in the courtyard with 200 other students, and of course LOVE!

I couldn’t wait to go to college, I had this perfect vision of what it would be like. I had it all laid out; I would make a huge group of friends, we would all stay up till 3am laughing, drinking, doing our homework together. That on the holidays we would all go to each others houses or have things like a “friends-giving”. And that we would all be like one big family.

I went in confident with high hopes that these next four years would be the ones I would never forget, and for the first semester it was! It was filled with all the things I hoped for, all the late night adventures and being one big family (I had so many new contacts in my phone my storage was getting full). It was great! I went to sleep with a big smile on my face every night because I made it happen, ME! And I only highlight that because in high school I was quiet and did not really care for all the students around me, and I low-key kind of regret. But for college I couldn’t wait to leave, start fresh, and really discover new things about me!

As the years went on, I switched friend groups, people transferred, people changed, I changed…. College started to become this place that I suddenly could not wait to leave and somewhat forget. By the end it looked nothing like the vision I came into school with, but yet I still didn’t mind how it turned out. That just because it wasn’t great like what I had always imagined, it was still great but in its own way.

“I realized that living with so many expectations does more harm than good. Its nice to have ideas and maybe an outline for life and certain things, but lives best moments happen unexpectedly. So just live!”

But if there were a few things I could warn freshmen year me about they would be……

  1. SAVE MONEY
    • SAVE SAVE SAVE!!! College is expensive!!! From text books, to alcohol, and especially food!!! I really wish I worked more before and during college, It would have defiantly been worth the hard work and sucky hours, but beats being a poor college student!
  2. Go out
    • Even if you don’t feel like going out GO OUT! Especially when you go to school in New England and half the year its too cold to go outside in winter coats let alone in skimpy party clothes. I do regret not going out more the first 2 years of school (when it was actually fun to go out at Merrimack!(true OG merrimack people will know what I mean). I was anxious most nights about so many things that I always told myself I’d just go out next weekend but then it would be the same thing the next. So go out, have fun, meet people, just let loose!
  3. SAY NO TO THE LATE NIGHT SNACKS!!!! 
    • O.M.G. DO NOT EAT THE LATE NIGHT MUNCHIES!!!!! I repeat do not eat the late night MUNCHIES!!! You will regret them in 3 years!!!!!
  4. Don’t be afraid to truly be yourself because in an environment of over 4,000 people you are bound to find someone just as odd as yourself.
    • I went through my fair share of friends in college, but hey thats the beauty of college right? So many people, there is always a chance to meet someone new. But at a school with only 4,000 students (I know that sounds like a lot but its really not!!!) by the time you are a senior you pretty much know everyone. But within those 4,000 students you are always bound to find other people who like and do the same things you do. So don’t stress so much about trying to make friends. It will happen over time I promise!
  5. GO FAR AWAY!!!!
    • If there is one thing I would do differently in college, this would be it. GO FAR AWAY!!! When it came to picking colleges I was 100% sure I didn’t want to go too far away from home. I don’t know if it was because I had separation anxiety or what; but I ended up going to school 30 minutes away from home.(so tell me why I paid for housing!!! Just kidding, living with roommates is what made me grow the most!!) I should have gone further away and seen the world, maybe Italy or Hawaii, but should not have stayed so close to home, it was definitely a crutch
  6. Don’t live with regrets when it comes to your feelings
    • When I went away to school I imagined I’d find love. Like I said I grew up hearing all about the boyfriends and loves my mom had in college. All the memories of the group ski trips they’d all go one, the memories of her special someone meeting her parents, and wearing their jerseys at football games. I was so ready for me to create my own memories like those, but there was a small problem…….. ALL THE GUYS IN MY GENERATION ARE F*** BOYS (sorry not sorry). But there were a few guys that got away through out the 4 years there.
    • I learned shortly after falling head over heels for a guy, to never live with regrets and if you have feelings for someone tell them before it’s too late (and they transfer). After that, telling guys how I felt became easier. Because nothing was more painful than living with the feeling of “what if.”

I soon grew up from freshmen year me and really started to accept the fact that all things happen for a reason. No matter how shitty they feel, no matter how much you don’t want change to come, change is good. But these 6 tips are ones to live by for myself, college is where I did most of my growing, it was painful sometimes, but so worth it!

So even though college was NOTHING like I expected,it pointed me in the right direction for my future, and taught some of the most meaningful lessons that I will never forget.

Just Post Grad Things, The Life and Times

22 Tips For the Class of 2022

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In honor of Merrimack College welcoming the incoming class of 2022 today I wanted to do a shot piece on “22 Tips for the Class of 2022”

Below are the basic tips to follow to remained informed, intuitive, and hip to the college grind.

Ultimately College is a time to find yourself, but none of us get through it without a little help from our friends – so if you have any tips be sure to send them in via the comments below!

22 Tips for the Class of 2022

1.Be Yourself

I don’t know who you were in high school but this is the time to grow – to be a dork, a nerd, a jock? No. This is a time to be YOU. So strip off the labels and be yourself because that is the only way you will find your tribe.

2. Be Someone Else

Maybe you used to be shy – be the opposite for a day. Change who you think you are, dare to leap out of your comfort zone – whether this means being someone else or just acting like the person you were afraid to be growing up. Think of who you are now and take it one step further.

3. Party – Or Don’t

News Flash – you don’t have to party in college to have fun. You don’t have to drink to make friends. Like being yourself – the party or no party debate is about you and what you are comfortable with. In college I indulged in some reckless behaviors, but I also spent a lot of nights in with friends. Who you become is about who you hang out with – so chose your friends wisely and make sure that if you do party you have your people to back you up.

4. Join a Club

At my school it was impossible not to get involved – if this is the case at yours consider joining a club. This could expand your friend group unexpectedly, or it could get you out of the room [ REMEMBER : YOU ARENT IN BACK TO BACK CLASSES FROM 8-3 ANYMORE (HOPEFULLY) SO USE THAT TIME TO DO SOMETHING]

5. Start a Club

Does the club you want to be a part of not exist …? Interesting … How about talking to someone who can help you jumpstart your club [some clubs come with school funding!]

6. Join a Cult

Umm… Wait maybe don’t do this? 

but you could join a society that goes with your major or even your career goals [ yeah… yeah … do that ]

7. Go to Every Class the First Week (then keep going to class)

NEWS FLASH – someone once calculated how much each class costed – it was around 300$ [IM NOT TALKING ABOUT THE FULL ‘SEMESTER’ CLASS] So every class you skip – maybe think about what someone could have done with that money… [Just saying]

8. Take a Mental Health Day

Not to contradict tip 7, but to contradict tip 7 – take a day to take care of yourself. If this means laying in bed and watching sad movies with a tub of ice cream or going on a run instead of that class that has been making you cry – take the time, regroup. No amount of money or time is worth sacrificing your health.

9. Talk to that One Person who is “way out of your league” [because they aren’t]

See that guy/ girl at the front of the class the one who’s dimples seem “perfect” and who’s shirt always brings out the “glimmer” in their eyes – TALK TO THEM – better yet ASK THEM TO HANG OUT OR GO OUT. The worst a person can do is say no – so why aren’t you taking a chance?

10. Comfort someone who is clearly homesick

From the first week to the last day of senior year someone will get homesick – its a guarantee. So go and ask if they are ok. Talking to someone or even saying hello can make a huge difference.

11. Go on Epic Adventures

“Yo bro do you wanna walk to CVS – Get Coffee? Yo lets go to chipotle!” Remember that adventure is literally everywhere so get hype and find a reason why a small trip could be an awesome way to orient yourself with your campus’ surroundings.

12. Spend a Night in

Movie Night? Popcorn? Enough said

13. Get in Trouble at least once [call it a learning experience]

Get to know your campus resources – you don’t have to do anything stupid to do this but getting in trouble or getting in a fight with a new friend teaches you more than perfect relationships and a perfect record. You won’t learn if you don’t make at least one mistake.

14. Get a Job

I was once asked how much allowance a mother should give to her kid… I told the woman that I got a job instead of asking for money from home. When the mom rubbed this in her students face and told her she should get a job – I turned to the student and said – if you have a job you don’t have to ask permission on what to spend YOUR money on. [the mom wasn’t thrilled but it definitely put an idea of self sustainability into the students mind]

15. Be Best Friends with your Prof (or department head)

Extra time on a paper or a test? Extra help on what the midterm exam will ask for – being friends and having a professional relationship with your professors could make your grade, or it could just help you learn some fun information about what it means to be a member of your major.

On the first day of class make it a habit of introducing yourself. It makes a difference

16. Be someone’s hero for a day

Making a difference in someone’s life is honestly not difficult. Start today by being kind – this practice could make you a hero, a decent human or a great leader one day – so try it out.

17. Consider a point of view you thought you were completely against

Politics – Violence – Civil Rights

Change starts with a conversation. It is hard to be open minded but it’s impossible to grow without the ability to communicate why you believe what you believe. At the end of the day you don’t have to like someone’s views, but finding out how they got those views will help you understand people better.

18. Nickname your friend group [ make it obnoxious but relatable ]

My friends and I called ourselves ROLEX – my brother took this as an opportunity to point out that we named ourselves after something that was “overpriced and useless” but I just thought we were timeless.

19. Make Someone Proud [ Or better – Make Yourself Proud ]

Whoever you’re doing it for – do it well. I can’t help you with this one, it’s all up to you

20. Do something you never thought you could do

kiss someone, fight someone, sky dive, join a club – just do something out of your comfort zone and maybe you’ll surprise yourself

21. Get in trouble again [ another lesson – just for the hell of it ]

Fool me once shame on me – fool me twice shame on you…. you got to risk it to get the brisket my friends so push some limits [WITHIN REASON] but whatever you do, learn something from it.

22. Graduate ?

I mean if you’re gonna WIN at college you got to finish it right? SO DO IT!

The Afterward

After Graduating from the best four years of my life SO FAR I cannot wait to see what the future holds for my brother and friends who are still enjoying and suffering through their college years. Being someone who has been vastly defined by the events that have built the person writing to you today – I can say that the best is yet to come and that these tips are exactly the ways to break out of your shell and make college great.

GOOD LUCK AND GOD SPEED TO THE CLASS OF 2022 – YOU’RE IN FOR A WILD RIDE

 

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stay tuned for more with our next college story “How to WIN at College”

The Life and Times

Clearing A Space

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Have you ever been in a room that made you frustrated or anxious or experiencing a variety of emotions without reason? You may be falling victim to the out of control energy that we often experiences in spaces that have not been properly energetically cleansed and cleared. Now, I am not trying to scare you as this will not do you any physical harm, but being in a space with off the charts energy can certainly leave you feeling miserable and confused. I have a few key points that can help you cleanse a space you may know in need of a cleansing. These spaces range as they can be rooms, cars,boats, even houses and large spaces of land.

  • You must first ground yourself in the space. Grounding is the act of imagining your feet connecting with the earth and you slowly feel the energy and power of the earth connected with you.
  • Secondly, you should clear yourself spiritually. Will anything attack you? No, the chances of something like that happening are slim. You just have to imagine a force moving all of the negative energy out of you and all that no longer serves your best interest. You have to send it away and release.
  • For protecting myself I enjoy imagining a bubble of light surrounding me and shielding me from all types of energy. Why would I do this? I do this to make sure I am in control and no other energies are connected to me as I clear the space.

Once the steps mentioned above have been implemented I would suggest burning white sage, if you would rather not there are amazing spray bottle sages that you can spray in a space that will do the same thing. Go around the perimeter of the area, commanding in your space that your looking to cleanse all energies from this space and that you’re taking control of all energies that enter, only ones that serve your highest purpose. This process generally takes several minutes, but once it has been implemented I would highly suggest burning lemon grass in any form whether it be a candle, the root or even lemongrass essential oil. Lemongrass is helpful is drawing in positive energy and helps aide in the release of energy that no longer serves you.

light painting at night
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The Life and Times

My Fall From the Tower

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trimming the Rapunzel complex and learning to be our own heroes

There is a common misconception that women in hero stories are only heroines and not heroes. There is also a common misconception that women who refuse to be saved, rescued and coveted are too independent to want a partner.

If I had the power to rewrite some of the fairytale stories I would start at the end, remove the happily ever after – I would make it real.

Quick edits

Rapunzel – loses half the hair braids that shit into a rope and climbs her ass down

Cinderella – tells off the damn step mother – uses that scrubbing bubbles to clean up that woman’s act

Snow White – girl you can talk to animals use them – they want to help clean your house but they can’t tell you an apple is dangerous?

Look I get it – these stories are fun and all but maybe I’m jaded because I never identified with the damsel in distress.

It has taken pop culture x amount of years to realize that almost no story passes the Bechdel test {The Bechdel test asks if a work of fiction features at least two women who talk to each other about something other than a man. The requirement that the two women must be named is sometimes added.} and I for one would like that to change.

My fall from the tower

I was young when I realized I couldn’t be saved. I was young when my heroes left – but this didn’t define me, in fact, it allowed me to become the person I am today.

I grew up wanting to prove that I could be my own hero – yes this implies that I don’t always know when to shut down an argument, that I have a competitive edge but it has given me a chance to find out who I am without a partner or otherwise decisive forces.

Sometimes I wish I could be less stubborn – let the guy pay for the meal. But at the same time I don’t like to feel like I owe someone anything.

Truth is I like who I am – stubbornness and all – but that doesn’t mean I have fully become my own hero yet.

Being your own hero

The cheetah girls said it best when they sang “I don’t want to be no Cinderella – sitting in a dark old dusty cellar – waiting for somebody, to come and set me free”

Girls – in this day and age we don’t need a hero, we need to be the hero. And I don’t know about you, but I am ready to suit up.

Being your own hero starts with a choice. A change in the weather that allows you to break free of certain stereotypes that may hold you back. It doesn’t take training, it doesn’t take big muscles – it is entirely up to you if you want to save yourself. [and if you don’t that is ok too]

At the end of the day powerful women are what we need to create real change. The men have had their chances but girls, it’s our turn now. Are you ready for the challenge?

 

 

The Life and Times

Changing of Seasons

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sea waves crashing on rocks
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September  is approaching us and the time for barbecuing, late nights, and evening cocktails will soon come to a close. Before you know, it you’ll be searching for Pumpkins in a patch with your children and crying because all you really want is a cocktail on the beach away from the madness. Shouldn’t the children be in school during the summer so parents can have their vacation?

But all joking aside…. this is the time to start planning the last bit of events before the season ends! Time for enjoying the crisp summer air, ice cream,delicious foods, and lots of memories. I will never forget trips to the beach, each one is always a relaxing way to rejuvenate ourselves and cleanse the soul of all our baggage.

I enjoy putting my toes in the wet sand and walk along the shoreline as I just reflect and think about all the events in my life. While I do this, I focus on my breathing. I try to envision the life that I am trying to create for myself and how I can help myself and others reach my ultimate destination. Sometimes it just takes time and as impatient as I can be, I have to learn to relax and the beach is the perfect place to do this.

 

 

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Relationships

The One that Got Away

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my good friends know who he is – my acquaintances know who he could be – but I know him as the one who got away

I was always the awkward angry type. I grew up watching rom coms and believing that – this is what life could be like. Believing – I could one day fall for my best friend and then that would be it – because he would feel the same way and we’d keep being friends and grow the relationship from there.

When the movie ends, they never show you what happens after the “happily ever after” they just fade to credits and you assume that the characters walked off into the sunset without any issue.

A couple years back I was working up to a couple sunset moments. I mean they all started like a movie so who was I to not be a hopeless romantic and assume they could end in the same way. [ I was wrong ] See my freshman year I broke someone’s heart – hell maybe I even broke a few, but it wasn’t until the following year when I was chasing a dream – that I realized the most important heart I broke that year was my own.

Four years back… [trust me it gets less cheesy]

Four years ago my life restarted, I was just starting college – coming off of the most incredible summer of my life. I was ready for my life to change and sure enough it was. 

Then I started dealing with reality…

See what they don’t tell you when you get to school is that nine out of ten people have just as much family drama and just as many family disfunctions as you do. I personally found this comforting in my own twisted way – but it didn’t make dealing with everything any easier. 

I ran  from a lot my first year of school. I ran from boys, friends, obligations, my past – but most importantly I ran from myself. 

Now like I said I broke a couple hearts that year – but it wasn’t until a big part of me left that I realized how dangerous my own actions could be when it came to my heart.

Cue the drunk texts

My sophomore and junior year of college I learned the importance of blocking people. And to be completely honest it was never their fault – but my own. I don’t know how many drunk texts I sent to the guys who dared to show interest in me, but they almost never ended well. 

It was around this time – or rather Christmas that I started referring to someone I used to know as the one 

The truth I am scared to tell

Have you ever met that person that gets you? The one who understands exactly who you are. Sees through the disguise. Knows all your flaws and knows that the way you see yourself is the hardest weight to carry?

I have.

And I scared him off.

See the truth is – you never think you’re going to lose someone. You never assume that a skipped goodbye will turn into three years of waiting to see someone again. You never assume that one person – who you care so deeply about because you know that your relationship will never be the same as it was when you met – will leave.

but it happens

Look take it from someone who has watched people up and leave. Who has gotten jealous over nothing and written novels about her mistakes – its easy to wish someone gone in a moment, but having them follow through – having them walk away unexpectedly – it haunts you.

my good friends know who he is – my acquaintances know who he could be – but I know him as the one who got away

For me this guy will always be the one who got away. And while I know there was nothing I could have done – I know there is a lot I should have done differently.

Truth is life pulls us in a million different directions – to a dozen different places, and maybe the way we have worked it out to be in our heads isn’t the way it was meant to be – but that doesn’t mean we wont wonder.

to the one who got away, you know who you are… or maybe you’re still looking… but no matter what – I am so proud to have been a part of your story. and I hope that one day we will meet again.

The Life and Times

My Mom and I

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33008FCA-9A58-46B2-BB7C-D181B0597924     Almost ten years ago, I’ll never forget spending the night at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, MA for what would be the last of a five year battle. My mother, who was terminally ill with breast cancer, was in a medically induced coma to stop her pain and suffering. You would think that during this time, everything would be hitting the fan, that my emotions would be out of control and I would be hysterically crying, but I wasn’t. You see, since I was in the second grade, I saw my mothers very turbulent battle with this type of cancer. What most people don’t know is that during some of the lowest points in her health, I was there for her always and I will never forget what she told me.
My mother was the oldest in a family of six other siblings. As you could imagine life back then was both a growing experience and a true test of character. What I know of her during this time was the story she told me and those who have recounted her life. I’ll never forget hearing about what a true indigo leader she was, someone who was an empath and was not fully aware of her gift.A lot of these gifts, I also have as her and I shared a very unique bond.
My sister, who my mother loved dearly may have been the oldest, but my mom loved her more than life itself. Though I am not close to her now, I know my mom would have been so proud of the woman she has become because she really is independent, strong, and fully capable of doing anything she sets her mind to. With her, if it isn’t happening,she will make it happen. I’ve always admired her for this, and my mother did to. I know like everyone we all doubt ourselves, but she was gifted with ambition and strength.
As for me, well after my mother passed in that hospital, I found peace, but I never really dealt with the part of me that died that day. The change that would occur in the family and the moments we would all have that my mom would no longer get to experience. For the remaining years in high school, I had a very difficult time without her. I was trying to come into myself and was doing so in a very immature and public way that I sometimes regret, but like anything- I learned so much about myself and who I was and was able to realize that life continues moving on. Now I feel stagnant and it’s time to start changing things, sometimes to get back to the drawing board, we have to remember the struggles and challenges we’ve had, how we overcame them and that we can do that again.
My father remarried and I am so happy for him and the family, as the years have gone on, I am so happy with the way things are now. I really love how cool my step mother is, how loving and supportive she is and that there is life again in my house.
You might be thinking, well why are you bringing all of this up? Whats the point? I wanted to use this blog as a journal and space to get my feelings out and share with you the process and journey. I think too often times we’re too focused on the end result and not the mountains you have to move to get there. With all of this being said, I am now at another turning point in my life and it’s time to make things happen and continue with entrepreneurship. I am about to take the road less traveled, but I know that in the end, this is what I’m being called to do. Life for me is just starting and i’m trying to embrace it with open arms!

The Life and Times

A Year of progress

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“Tick Tick Tick, it’s a quarter to two.” Madonna knows exactly how to describe my current state in life. Fighting the ever lasting clock.  Dare to continue? To follow the passion and desires in my heart? These are the everlasting questions I continue to ask myself. There is so much energy and passion in me to do what it is I’ve always wanted, to connect with people. To share my stories and learn from others in the process.
My mind is constantly moving from one thing to the next. I have always had the mantra that each year is an opportunity to reinvent ourselves.  I sometimes take this idea too literately,  sometimes change has become a way for me to break free from anxiety. The ever lasting energy of other trying to put me down. We have all felt this way and the truth is, we can’t change others perceptions of us, but we can change how we think about this and the best way to approach it moving forward.
The latest Mercury in retrograde brought so much off to the surface for me in all aspects of my life, but one remaining theme was there. Fear holds me back and my ability to please others has taken control over me really moving on in life to what is best for ME. The truth is that there are so many things I’d like to do and accomplish in my lifetime, but I can’t accomplish them if fear holds me back and I remain in this comfortable state of inaction.
This year I plan on setting clear intentions as to what it is I really want. I know that by doing this, I can get to the root of what it is I really want this year. I am so excited for the abundance and possibilities moving forward. This is why I created this blog, to connect with others who are going through similar struggles. I know that together we can all find a way out of the shadows and achieve whatever it is our heart desires. This year I will be adding so many different types of blog posts and I will be showing my life in a new public way.