I have spent most of my life thinking I wasn’t good enough. That cool was something I could fabricate through looks and pop culture references. That I would never be or understand what it was like to be in the “in crowd”.
This is not to say I didn’t have a army of people who loved me. I did. But in school and outside of my summer escape to Maine I felt completely and utterly alone. During those years I felt hopeless and there was no way out of that darkness but then, 5 years ago I met my tribe.
And while I have never forgotten what it felt like to feel so on the outside you couldn’t breathe through the loneliness I have had the opportunity to find that hope I lost so long ago.
WE ARE NOT ALONE
Often I tend to internalize my fears and insecurities so, for a while, I never imagined I’d meet someone who knew what that feeling was like, but recently I did.
Most of us have that one friend that has no clue how amazing they are. That person that is gorgeous inside and out and is clueless of how rare that quality is. I have a lot of friends like that but for me, those are the best people to surround ourselves with.
MY TRIBE IS YOUR TRIBE
Recently a new person joined my tribe and while she may not know it yet – there are people that come into our lives that save us from ourselves when we need it most. People who care to listen and to help without expecting anything in return. And while she may come to think that we are trying to be that person for her, she is already that person for us.
THANKS FOR SAVING US
Without realizing it, having this new person in my little family has completely changed how we all act and see the world. It has saved us from our monotony added new comedy to old jokes and made us appreciate the simple times that we can spend together.
So to you. The person and people who have no idea how amazing you are, and to all the people brave enough to join me and my tribe on our journey, welcome. And consider this your official letter of acceptance to BDE U.
It is natural for us as human beings to want to find it.
To be entrapped by it, surrounded by it’s warmth, yet the pursuit of it scares us to death.
The words themselves in question are able to bring anxiety, great pride, or even create a bridge towards a beautiful tomorrow. However, the power of love doesn’t truly come in the form of the words themselves. Actions speak louder than words.
As a young man who’s had the incredible privilege to travel to many different countries, I get to see how truly amazing and loving people are.
Actions of love transcend any barrier of language. Each country I’ve gone to has taken me in with open arms, whether or not I look like a local or the prized foreigner.
All across the world, people are warm, caring, charming. As simplified by the phrase “A La Orden” in Coastal Colombia. It translates to, at your service. I don’t want to go in depth into each of my experiences, but just to summarize, each country shares their best selves with the visitor, always caring and ensuring that you are having a great time, if you are comfortable, you are at home.
Back home at Merrimack, it was the smallest gestures of kindness during the cold winter days or blistering summer days, a random meal swipe by a classmate who’s name you don’t remember, a door being held open by someone you’ve never met, the long car rides to and from the pitch darkness of I-95, the deep talks over card games, and the tears shared over solidarity in weakness.
In Ireland, it was on a random night. We had a classmate who wandered off, and with the help of a security guard from our favorite bar, were able to find the classmate in a country in which we just arrived into.
In Nicaragua, it was the comfort of sharing a meal with the hosts which took us in at Mustard Seed Community and the love of the children who had nothing but smiles and hugs to offer to us outsiders.
In Vietnam, it’s the constant hospitality and efforts to speak English when people do not understand Vietnamese, the constant need to help and go give 110% despite not even knowing your name.
And now here in Colombia, every person on the street will offer to help you, each person on the street will greet you, ask you how you are, and finally, offer their home to you as a shelter during a storm or a hot day.
Love, in all forms, is something that is missing in today’s world. We cherish it so deeply, and share it and make it seem almighty and powerful, display it on full blast via our news sources, as a silver lining in what seems like a never ending storm. After hours and hours of news of war, hunger, poverty, hatred, there’s always a small snippet of people doing good, people loving each other. As if this sliver of hope is supposed to let us carry on until the next time we are fed this great news.
As the Beatles once sang, “All You Need Is Love”, while that might not be entirely true, it is a step towards a better world, one in which we can create stronger relationships and allow ourselves to define our humanity by what brings us together, rather what divides While there is still hate in our world, love has the ability to prevail. Sure, this doesn’t really help people’s perception of me as a “flower child” and a person who is naive. But I would rather be naive than cold and jaded. I find comfort in believing in a cup half full rather than convincing myself that the cup is half empty.
There’s a great childhood story about “Warm and Fuzzies” that is incredibly near and dear to my heart. It revolves around the theme of people being scared to love, scared to give themselves to others without reservation. Love costs nothing, but can be priceless to others going through a hard time. Any small action could create a ripple effect, to become a ray of sunshine on someone’s cloudy day, to inspire, to give hope. Love doesn’t have to be romantic. It’s innate in all of us, we were born to love, yet taught to be cautious and nervous. With many things, rather than to let society and media mold us and take away what makes us so special, let’s take it back into our hands. Let’s care for one another, love, and do what we can for our fellow brothers and sisters.
This Valentine’s day, maybe for us not being involved in romantic love, maybe we can start to learn the greatest love of all, the love for our fellow human, and learn to love them as we hopefully love ourselves.
…May you be happy, may you be safe, and may you live your life with ease.
…We always seem to be tied up in what has happened and what is happening later. But when we lock into our breathing, we are in the present.
…You are here, you showed up. You did the hard part.
…Appreciate that you are alive beneath your hands, that you are the only person under your hands that matters right now.
And don’t forget…
…If you can balance your body in here, you can balance anything out there.
…It’s okay if you fall. It means you pushed it to your edge, and you get right back up.
…You’re the most graceful fall-er I’ve ever met.
…Your pose is not going to look the same as any other pose, because every body is different.
…Every day, your body needs different things. One day you may be able to hold a headstand for 10 minutes, the next maybe you need to lie down into child’s pose most of the practice. Wherever your body is, is perfect.
…If you are really stressed or overwhelmed, try doing a few handstands. They take conscious effort and focus, so it diverts your mind for a minute, and brings your attention to your balance and breath. I think of it like hitting a mini restart button on whatever you were doing.
…We all know about the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would like to be done unto yourself. But did you know it goes both ways? You should do unto yourself as you do unto others.
…Find comfort in the discomfort.
…Whatever it looks like right now is beautiful.
…You’re sweating and you’re breathing: that’s all that really matters.
..Nothing changes if nothing changes.
…When the merry-go-round of thoughts come in, let them. But don’t get caught up on any that don’t matter in the right now. Just let them keep going around.
…Practice self-compassion. Compliment yourself and appreciate your body just as you would another person.
…If your loved one was going through this, what would you tell them? Sometimes what we tell others is what we need to hear ourselves.
…Find softness in your edge; the furthest point you can push your body. Then exhale, soften, and push just an inch further. That’s where the change happens.
…Sometimes what we need is not what we want.
…Heart open, back straight, booty low.
…It’s so easy to just send a text, or post a photo. Showing up, being present – that’s showing passion, commitment, appreciation, drive.
…Just being here, right now, adds to the dynamic of the room. If one person was missing, this whole practice would be different.
And finally…
…The light in me sees, and honors the light in you. Namaste.
Special thank you to The Yoga Shop of Salem (well the entire TYS community, for that matter) for allowing me to grow in my practice, my mind, and my life. Thank you for sharing these words with me in and out of our practice.
If you would like more mantras like these, I highly suggest getting yourself a copy of Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie. (Shout-out to Amanda for the best Secret Santa gift this year.) Some of these words came from this book, as many of my instructors use it for their opening meditations in class.
Or, better yet, come join a practice sometime. I promise you won’t regret it.
I live on Pinterest. I window-shop on Zillow. I spend my free time dreaming of what my future life might be like. I have a board that is specifically dedicated to what I want for my dream wedding, which for me doesn’t mean floor to ceiling flowers or a dress that costs more than my car, but instead fun reception games and fans that say “Toit Nups”.
The problem going forward is not that I don’t have a husband in mind, but rather that he and I cannot imagine paying for any of it. I find myself in a situation that generations before us didn’t worry about: affording to move forward in my relationship. I have been with Ian for over two years, but with the average cost of a wedding, and living in a state where the cost of living is high, we feel stuck. We can afford to live our lives and pay our expenses, but we can’t afford much else. We want to spend our lives together, but our future still has a big question mark when it comes to the next steps.
This is not a comment on our relationship, but rather about every outside factor. We are perfectly happy the way we are, but we do want to move forward. We love our Tuesday date night, lazy Saturdays, and church on Sunday morning before I go to work. We have not only a routine, but the communication skills that we use in our partnership that keep us strong and fulfilled.
Ian is already the first person I talk to in the morning and the last person I talk to before I go to bed. When I have news, good or bad, he is the first person I tell. We are a team already. In a lot of ways, I feel like the wedding is just putting an official title on what we already know.
Believe me, I do want to get married. I do care about it and I want to have a wedding, but I simply have no extra money to spend. So I’ll stick to Pinterest and Zillow. I will save dresses to my cart and dream up bridesmaid gifts. We will walk through Pier One and discuss our favorite furniture. We can dream all we want, but that won’t change the numbers in our bank accounts. I guess for now we will just have to play pretend.
In 2019 we wanted to step up our game – we will now be featuring videos in some of our blog posts! Hopefully they catch your eye and help you think in new and exciting ways.
Dinner Parties, Glasses of Pino Grigio, nights spent cuddling a body pillow or reading a book… This is “Adulting”.
Taking your kid to school, going to the gym, taking care of yourself and eating food that isn’t from a conveyer belt… this is also Adulting.
What people don’t realize is that “Adulting” isn’t a fad – but a lifestyle and a struggle to be adopted. Adulting is doing chores, it is holding your head high in a meeting where you want to punch a wall. Adulting is realizing that life. is. hard. and knowing that no one has the exact key to get you through.
Why People Care
The excitement surrounding “Adulting” isn’t one that starts and ends with 20 somethings. While the expectation is that 20 somethings exiting college are most likely to identify – the contrary is true. Our premier demographic is all ages from 18 – 55, reaching anyone who may be struggling with a job, a relationship, a child or a habit. People care because this isn’t just a means to get people to click, its meant to make people turn up their head and listen. It is meant to help people realize they are not alone in being dysfunctional adults and that is something to be savored.
I am Adulting?
Six months or so ago I started my own journey of Adulting… I did it as a way to write more, to cope with some rather heavy experiences and to create a community among people who are all pushing to get by.
Since I started, really started my journey, I have traveled, I have loved, I have lost, I have eaten too much and worked out too little. I have written about things people care about. Rambled on things that they don’t, and through it all I have struggled like heck to figure out who I am now vs. who I was in college or at home.
For my own definitions sake, Adulting is and has been, learning that I can’t have it all. That being in the working world means that sacrifices to gym time and hobby time need to be made. And it has not been easy.
For me, adulting isn’t about growing up – its about trusting yourself. It is about learning your limits, your boundaries, and pushing them. For me it isn’t the word it’s the journey and today… I am pretty happy where I am with it.
To all Adults
To all my 2019 adultingeers, welcome to the club. Welcome to the journey and if you will have us, welcome to the stories we share.
After six or so months of doing this blogging thing with my team I could not be happier for what we have and continue to accomplish – I can’t wait to see what this year holds and whose stories it brings to light. Cheers!
I knew Ian was a smoker long before we even started seeing each other. Going to a small college with only so many students, the smokers stand out. You smell it in the air when you walk by. Sometimes you hold your breath or cough. To any non-smoker, the odor is offensive and disgusting. We associate smoking with something that old people do. My grandparents smoked and so do many of our generation’s parents. With the knowledge we now have about the harm it causes to our health, why would anyone start?
I cannot count the number of times I have asked Ian why in the world he would take up smoking. His answer is always the same: he is the product of his environment. He was raised by a single mother (a smoker) and all four of his older brothers started smoking around the age of eighteen. Ian would get so upset when his mother and brothers would smoke. He used to steal lighters and hide them away–you can’t take cigarettes without getting blamed, but you can definitely “misplace” lighters. Despite all of this, the culture of smoking was contagious. One day, when he was feeling particularly stressed during his senior year of high school, he picked one up and that was it. He has now been smoking for nearly five years.
According to my parents and several other well-meaning “friends”, I should put a stop to this. I have been told countless times that I am responsible for getting him to quit. At first, I thought they were right and that this was possible.
I’ve tried badgering him. I’ve stolen his lighters. I’ve taken to hiding his cigarettes when I am drunk. I have asked him to cut down. I have monitored how many cigarettes he has smoked in a day. I have done everything I can possibly think of.
Except for one thing.
I am always told to do it. I am always told it would work. I refuse.
I will not give him an ultimatum. I will not say to him “Give up smoking, or I will leave you.” Just the thought of this is horrible to me. The idea that I should leave him unless he makes this change is unfair. I could stay with him and help him follow through his plan to quit which is mainly based on his plans to move out of his mother’s house and get away from that environment. Or, I could throw away the relationship we have built for the last two years and threaten to leave on this condition which will not only hurt him, but hurt me as well. Even if it were to work, is giving an ultimatum any way to have a healthy relationship?
Some may disagree, but it all boils down to this: Why am I the one being held responsible for making him quit? At first, the question was “How?”, but I have realized that the real question is “Why?”. Why am I expected to fix the problem? I was not the one that caused it and while I certainly do not encourage or condone the habit, is it mine to break? This is not the first time something like this has come up for me or for anyone else. In fact, it is a problem in our society. Too often women are expected to fix the problems of the men in their life.
I was reminded of this recently when Mac Miller passed away and Ariana Grande ended up disabling her Instagram comments due to trolls blaming her for his death. This is any woman’s personal nightmare. While she is thinking “what could I have done differently?” and “is it my fault?” awful people sit behind their screens blaming her for every factor leading to his death. She is not responsible for him taking drugs. She is not responsible for his addiction. And even if she broke his heart, she is not responsible for his unhealthy ways of dealing with that.
Am I responsible for Ian’s smoking? Is there anything I can do? If he develops cancer or emphysema or heart disease and dies, is that my fault? A stupid 18 year-old boy made this horrible life decision, so why is the 23 year-old woman in charge of fixing it?
If you’re not looking for a hook up nowadays, good luck dating! We have seem to be stuck in this F***boy generation, you know what I mean. That generation where dating is sending nudes, sliding into DM’s, swiping left and right, being selected based off of a picture (even if it is not a picture of who you really are). Its a sad time, its a time where the saying “its whats on the inside that counts” could not be more wrong!
Sorry hopeless romantics, unfortunately this is the sad reality we live in. Its an interesting time where being overweight but not too overweight is sexy and if you don’t have all the right curves in all the right places you’re-looked over; BUT while being told its okay be confident in who you are. Then we have all these sub groups and titles, by the people who scream the loudest “DONT LABEL ME”…. all very confusing. Any-who then we get to the infamous “F***boy”.
You may ask yourself “what really is a “F***boy”?” And how can I get one?” Wwwweeeelllllllll let me tell you!
A F***boy is what we refer to as a guy who is only looking for sex and will do ANYTHING and I mean ANYTHING to get it. This includes lying, cheesy lines, spoiling you in compliments, giving you a fake sense of love, paired by talking to 5-8 other girls, saying the same things to them, guilting you into feeling bad about saying no, being emotionally unavailable, and to top it off he is a PRO at ghosting! Now doesn’t that sound appealing? Doesn’t that just sound like the kind of guy you want to be with! And the worst part about it all and they come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and colors! The nerd can be a F***boy, the jock, the quiet one, the funny one, even the friend! So good luck picking which are and which aren’t! Though I will say not all guys are F***boys, just about 82.458% are.
Some tips on how to spot the infamous F***boy is by posting a very flirty picture on social media, wait a few minutes and bam, they will flock! But how to pick which one you will waste the next 2-3 months on, well thats easy! They’ll be the one that keeps blowing up your phone till you give them attention, then slowly become distant! After that comes the nudes, then the hook up, then the lovely questioning yourself. With such questions like, “I don’t know what gave them the idea I just wanted to hook up! why aren they leaving me on read?” And that is when you know you have bagged a successful F***boy!
Will that be cash or credit?
In all honesty everybody, respect yourself, if a person wants to chill so badly based off of aspects of your body, that is no reason to spend time with someone. If you stand by what you feel is right for yourself and someone has an issue with it, let them go. Respect is everything in any type of relationship, don’t let anyone tell you what you want; in fears of losing someone that was never really yours to begin with.
I have always worked for small companies, gone to small schools, and kept to tight-knit groups. In a way, I always knew I wanted to start my own business, band, or vigilante crime-fighting squad. But age or prowess always kept that out of reach.
Today, I Say, No More!
This upcoming year, Awkward N Adulting will be hiring more voices, creating more content, and developing some sick swag with fellow local artists.
In the past year, we have seen a rise in young voices. People who stood up to violence and prejudice and injustice. This year we saw empowerment in a way that our nation has not seen in a while.
As young people it is our duty to stand up, stand out and be true to ourselves, and there is no better way to do that than to be utterly awkward.
This isn’t a Resolution it’s a Revolution
With help from our readers we hope to reach more awkward adults than ever before, allowing everyone to have more of a voice.
Our hope in the upcoming year is that you will follow along with us on our journey so that we may all stand a little taller and glow a little brighter.
Join Us
If you feel that you have a voice you want to share, a talent you want to cultivate, or if you are just generally stoked for us to come out with hoodies and tees. Comment below. Tell us what you want and need in 2019 and we will do our best to make it happen.
#ClothingOptional
By using the # in the comments below or on our instagram you will be letting us know that you are interested in the brand we plan to create. Spread the word by sharing the #.
This year is going to be awkward…
But at the end of the day – would you want it any other way?
Holidays are notorious for relationship questionnaires. I, on the other hand, am notorious for being single. But that kinda sucks.
As much as I’d love my life to be a romantic comedy, that just isn’t realistic. And the idea that at 22 we are supposed to have it figured out is crap.
The idea that people find love by now is magical, but I’m a muggle and it’s not in my cards. So, thus, I remain alone, single and trying to find my way.
Don’t get me wrong I like (love) being Independent, but I’d also like someone to love. The idea that we “don’t have time for love” is bull though, because I have time, just not to waste.
At the end of the day we make the time for that which we want and believe in. And me? Well I just wish I had time, more time, to follow my heart.
At the end of the day they tell us not to expect love, not to wait for love but to let it come. But me, well I guess I’m just over waiting for the love when I would rather walk for happiness.
As 2018 only has about a few days left and 2019 can now be seen on the horizon, humanity begins a sort of reflection period. We are entering a phase where we look back on the events that shaped 2018 into a year that no one has seen in recent history. We celebrate our success, mourn our losses, and count our blessings as 2018 comes to an end and we skid right into 2019. Now is the time to look back on what we have done during this year and see where our journey in life has taken us so far. I think when we begin to look back, we really start to ask the hard questions to ourselves.
Did i do everything that i wanted this year? What went wrong for me this year? How could i lose contact with him/her? Could i have avoided that heartbreak? Why Was i ever friends with them? Was i a good person? Could i have done more?
i say we should step back from the questions and be more pensive as 2019 comes around the corner. We should reflect from where we began our journey almost 365 days ago to where we have stopped so to speak for the time being. You have never been so different in your life, why not enjoy the reflection for once? You have created so many changes and either good or bad, they are what made the 2018 version of you so special
i hear on many occasions people talking about whether they had a good or bad year. Now, there are good moments of the years where everything is going well and are luck would even make us consider that we won the lottery in life. Then there are the parts of the years where we could not catch our breath, where nothing broke our way and we are down on our luck. i like to think its not a matter of good or bad, more of how we recovered from the valleys to the peaks of the year. These influxes happen, its just a part of life. What happens when we are in the valleys of the year create the greatest peaks in the successes of the year.
What i consider the best part of December is that you get the time to reflect on all these things. You get to enjoy a toast to your successes that have created the best moments. We are able to take a moment an remember all the bad times, the very bad terrible times we had in the year. We can remember the people we lost to the times and remember why we loved them so much. Each year, you pay a toll to go through the year, you might as well enjoy what you have paid for.
During this time of reflection, i hope you get to enjoy all your successes and learn from your failures. Be happy with your loved ones around you and remember those who have left us. If this was a good year, i hope you ride that wave of success again and if this wasn’t your year just know that every New Years Eve everything gets reset you start fresh like a regeneration. You never know, maybe this is the year everything comes together.
So as we enjoy the few days left of 2018, lets raise our glasses in hope of a happy and healthy 2019.
November 6: I texted Lylly before the crack of dawn. Overnight, the Facebook invitation finally arrived. Our five year reunion was scheduled for the Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend. Lylly (pronounced Lily) is the only person from my graduating class of twenty-two people that I still talk to on a regular basis. Unfortunately, she says she will be in Maine, so I decide I won’t attend.
November 7: I tell my mom that I have been invited to my five year reunion. She says it will be fun and that I should at least make an appearance. Who knew my mom would ever be the one talking me into going to a trashy bar?
November 24: The invitation says 9:00, but I show up around 9:45. I decide to be fashionably late because I am attending a concert with my parents down the street. I am able to sneak out at intermission and they will give me an out when they have to pick me up. My dad walks me down the street to the bar because he doesn’t trust the area, which I don’t complain about because frankly, neither do when I’m walking alone at night.
When I arrive, people are surprised to see me, probably because I checked off “Maybe” on the Facebook invite. I recognize that being a flake is my tragic flaw, so I never say “Yes” unless I am enthusiastic about attending. I see my old teammates from cheerleading, a friend I have known since kindergarten, the girl who I went to the same college as, and my ex-boyfriend. I speak to them in that order.
I order a hard cider and put my coat down. I chat with a few people and we go over the details of our lives. Only seven other people are there, making for a small gathering, but it is intimate and I don’t mind that at all. It is quiet and fun to catch up, but within a few minutes I’m uncomfortable.
The gossip is beginning, and while I normally love to indulge, I simply cannot keep up. Everyone at the reunion except for myself and one other person (who mentioned her plans to move back) still live in the area. I am hearing names I haven’t heard in years and cannot put faces to them. I am updated on the lives of strangers. Who are these mystery people? Occasionally, old classmates are brought up–some in a negative light and others positively, but I hear so much about people I don’t know. I stand awkwardly in the circle, realizing I have sipped my drink nearly every time I have felt out of place.
It has only been about half an hour and I can’t leave yet. I decide to go over to the bar. My ex is sitting separate from this circle. I order a water and grab his attention.
Our relationship was one of the highlights of my high school experience. I say this because he was one of my best friends. We were friends before we dated and when we started going out, nothing changed. Our relationship, although labeled as romantic, was platonic. There was almost nothing physical and that is including the innocent kiss or holding hands. I never really figured out why it was like this, but I have no complaints. We drifted apart when we went to college and broke up a few weeks in. I don’t regret anything but the fact that we hadn’t spoken in five years.
When we talked, it was as if no time had passed. We picked up right where we left off. I felt comfortable with him. I laughed with him and we talked about our lives. He was the only one I was truthful with about my current employment situation–he was the only one I would want to know. I told him about my quarter-life crisis and I told him about this blog. I spent the rest of the night talking to him and it was so natural. I missed those years of friendship and we made up for it.
The song “Africa” came on and he said he was surprised because that was what he would usually play on the jukebox. I told him how my boyfriend and his brothers always do a shot of tequila when they hear the song. He said we should do tequila shots, but we settled for Dr. McGillicuddy’s. I was being picked up by my parents after all– I didn’t need to smell like a 21st birthday party.
At the end of the night (which for me was somewhere around 10:30) my dad came into the bar to pick me up. For anyone else this would be mortifying, but my dad was the basketball coach so my classmates were happy to see him. I said goodbye, hugged all the girls and my ex, and walked to the car with my dad.
There’s a certain pressure to look like our best selves seeing people from our past. I did not tell anyone that I had quit my terrible job or that I was going through a rough time. I wore a cute outfit that made me look skinny, despite gaining about ten pounds since high school. I wanted to be my best–be the one that moved away and came back more confident and successful than ever. This was not my case but I was able to have one moment of honesty. Part of being honest with ourselves and with others is getting past the awkward and embracing our failures… even if we only admit them to one person.
Awkward n' Adulting 
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