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At 23 I have already perfected the art of settling. I have a good job, good friends, money in the bank and food in the cupboard. I have some stuff I don’t need and almost all the things I do.
From the outside looking in some might be jealous, some would criticize my apparent lack of gratitude, and others would chose not to care. From the outside looking in you would assume I’m happy – and I should be – but I’m not.
But why?
Well, Im quickly realizing that the problem with having a good job at 23 is that both ourselves and the world assume that we should be grateful. But if you know you deserve more out of life a good job can feel a lot more like a bad boyfriend (partner). Where you know the relationship is toxic but you’re grateful for the opportunity to be valued and loved. And isn’t that exactly what settling is? Being grateful but knowing that something isn’t right?
At this point in my life I can’t say I pushed for many of the opportunities that have come my way. And it isn’t that I haven’t worked hard on this that or the other, but at the same time 9/10 times I didn’t ask to end up where I am – I just shrugged and said yes. And until recently I’ve come to think that this was normal. That, this is how we adult, this is how we grow up. But it’s not is it?
To break it down: a post grad perspective of what I assumed life after college and grad school was supposed to look like…
We find a job, count ourselves lucky, take it graciously, settle in to daily routines and then, like an arranged marriage we expect and hope that we will fall in love with what we do. (This situation more often applies to people who don’t know exactly what they want to do out of school or don’t end up working somewhere like Disney or Google or Pinterest or what have you) And for a lot of people, or at least the ones I follow, the jobs they have found after graduating have seemed to click. These people for whatever reason seem (externally at least) happy. And of course, maybe this isn’t true or maybe it is – but on behalf of those who are struggling to love what we do and those looking at their job like a relationship they’ve settled into – I don’t think that this is what life is meant to be about.
So yeah, at 23 I’ve all but perfected the art of settling – or at least it feels that way. And for a lot of things and a lot of reasons I should be grateful and I should count myself lucky. But I guess the problem with that is that when you know you deserve better and when you know you can be so much more – the post grad gratefuls can feel a lot more like post grad grumpies and for me, that’s not something I ever dreamed of doing.
Sometimes my head scares me. Nights alone and nights bored, my worst enemy. I guess the problem with not being able to stop means that when I do, well, let’s just say I am an object in motion and I need to stay that way.
Lately I’ve been staying up too late. My body hasn’t gotten used to it yet – it hasn’t kicked the old lady syndrome aside but on slow nights I now feel this sense that something is missing.
I’m not depressed. I’m pensive
I’m not indifferent but being happy is strange.
I’m not myself and yet – the past couple weeks I’ve exuded a confidence that I didn’t know I had.
And I hate all of it.
Lately I’ve felt unbalanced, I’ve felt like I’ve been too adult and yet too childish. And I’m neither here nor there but I understand it. The restlessness.
So these are my confessions.
1. I’m not overly or underly confident
It’s a rouse I put up to make people think I have my shit together.
2. I’m not fearless
Not in the job search. Not in life. In fact I’m scared of a lot of things and while dying isn’t one of them, truly living is. Because it’s daunting to think that there is a right or wrong way to “life”
3. I’m not as aggressive as the one Interviewer thought I was
I’m kinda like a small dog. I’ve got a big bark but I wouldn’t hurt a fly.
4. I care too much.
About work. About friends. About living life the “right way” or doing the “right thing”. I care a lot. I care too much.
5. I’m 23 and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
Truth is, I’m not restless because I have something planned. Truth is, I’m restless and reckless because I have nothing planned. I have no idea what my future holds. If it includes the two degrees I’ve garnished myself with. Truth is – I don’t have a clue.
And it terrifies me.
This is not another article about fuck-bois or how dating culture is horrible or how me doing something completely out of my wheel house made me a better person… or is it…?
Diving into the dating pool isn’t easy. The water is cold, the men and women are unclear and I’m pretty sure the guy who has a kid let that child go and crap in the deep-end, not that it’s anyone’s fault.
When it comes to 21st century electronic dating there is no shortage of eligible bachelors or bachelorettes, but 9/10 people aren’t actually on dating apps to date. They’re there to hook-up.
Today the a thick cloud of stigma surrounding dating culture as a whole isn’t really fair to either end of the waters. Both males and females get subjected to unrealistic expectations and high cost scenarios.
Guys (Men) are labeled crass, rude and man whorish and women are labeled as sluts, whores, or even prudes if they prefer not to do “as other girls do,” and the problem with all of it is that we quickly lose sight of who we are when our sexual desires create a non humanistic profile to “sell” ourselves as non-sexual and sexual human beings because we have to make our profiles “sell”.
For those of you who (May or may not be using apps such as tinder) have used dating apps. You know as well as I that it is anything but a dating app.
Based on my own morals, I have unmatched with about a dozen guys just this week for rude messages about my behind or what they would like to put in it (essentially messages that would have killed a nun and made their moms wash their minds out with soap).
See when it comes to online dating, I am too busy for bars, to anxious for sketchy meet ups, and I am just simply not looking to hookup and leave. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to find love.
Maybe I’m in the wrong place and I’m certainly in the wrong time, but why is it so much to ask that we be sexy and respected no matter the platform? Is it so much to ask that we believe in this possibility for love, but moreover, and through this trial I had to ask – do I believe in this kind of love?
My answer:
Yeah?
I mean the hopeless romantic in me does. The girl who meets that ‘once in a blue moon’ guy does. The girl who is told that her strength is sexy and not in a sexual way does, but the rest of me… the rest of me isn’t sure.
At the end of the day I can’t speak for the boys- and I can’t hate on the bois but tinder for women is an experience. (Take that as you will.)
For myself Tinder was about swiping right in the right ways but based on interactions I have had, the same can definitely NOT be said for all women who use the app.
When it comes to tinder there are five types of guys, the too forward to even see where you’re at, the ‘I lift and I drink beer’ guy, the once in a blue moon sweet – I want to meet you type, the I have a girlfriend but were ‘on a break (or “we’re looking for a threesome”), and then there is the guy who can’t catch a break who tries to be all of the above and reminds me that I am just not cut out for this online dating scheme.
Each of the guys above has their own motive… but for some it is worse than others. For example one guy I recently matched with is an old classmate – but he was also this guy that I always thought he was cute… then he opened his mouth. “I am still only looking to F***” and while he has said this in the past I was naïve enough to believe that the year that has passed since we last spoke was enough for him to change his tune… it wasn’t. And while I have no issue with what he wants, I for one know that I deserve better and ladies –
YOU DO TOO
The one thing I love about Tinder is that it allows me control in the conversation. Unlike manual style dating where a guy approaches you to ask you out – many men… and yes, women, can feel less of a sting from being denied online. With Tinder, you don’t feel the rejection, if they don’t swipe then you don’t know. It seems to be a simple lack of emotions in this equation.
But at the same time…
The thing I hate most about Tinder is that it allows us to hide.
With Tinder, I can hide behind a keyboard, I can say – “yes I love sushi. No I hate beer, but I love a good IPA.” I can say – “yes I speak fluent Spanish, while tripping over conjugation and the occasional google translate without dying of embarrassment.
Online I can be a dozen versions of myself, but by the time the day is done, I have gone through 12 conversations and made no progress whatsoever.
So what did it all teach me?
It taught me that – tinder is against my moral code. It taught me that its not for me, I’m not a tinder profile but I am a human looking for a lackluster thing called love. Hook-up requests and peach emojis, yeah that isn’t my language and that I really hate trying to speak Spanish to impress someone… even if I did it in Italy.
It taught me that – I am not cut out for online dating and that sorry boys… but if you don’t want me for me – swipe left.
When I think about myself and women in my generation and women in general – I think that weakness is the guise we wear to hide how powerful we truly are. but lately I have been feeling like that guise is getting the best of me personally. Why? because even today, when I got my summer dream job – when the weights lifted and the sun began to shine, I still managed to get myself twisted in the details that make adulting so awkward.
And I am so damn tired of having to be x, y, and z for the sake of holding face. So here’s my truth – here’s the real…
Two weeks ago I lost my job. I was laid of suddenly and while I told my bosses I saw it coming, I had no clue and I just wanted to save face. And in retrospect I spend a lot of time doing that.
As a female in this generation I have spent 23 years talking myself into things. 23 years being my own hype woman while still looking for the approval of others – but oddly enough, this time, I ended up leaving a good and stable job for little to no other reason than – I couldn’t stay knowing that the one persons approval I was losing – was my own.
After almost a year into my career I fell short because I felt like I had sold out. I did everything right. Followed rules – to an extent and I did what was expected. But I sold out in the fact that nothing and no part fed me on a deeper level.
I started doing things because I had to. I started being x, y, z because I had to be – not because that was who I was.
So my advice. Don’t be like me.
Don’t wash up or sell out. Don’t call it quits when it seems too easy because that kind of thing won’t drive you and it won’t feed you in the way that you need.
Don’t be like me. But be you, because you have to be.
It’s interview season.
For teachers looking to change schools and college graduates, it is time for finding new jobs.
As someone who has done a lot of interviews over the last couple years, I have picked up a lot along the way. I consider this one of my skills, and luckily, it has led me to some moderate success.
Here are my tips to prepping for an interview to help yourself feel less awkward:
BONUS
After the interview, Treat Yo’ Self. Do something for you. Talking about yourself and trying to seem perfect for thirty minutes can take a toll on you. Grab a coffee and put it out of your mind–until the next one. Good luck!
In 2019 we wanted to step up our game – we will now be featuring videos in some of our blog posts! Hopefully they catch your eye and help you think in new and exciting ways.
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