Tag Archives: Advice

Kevin at a Desk

What i Learned in Year One

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Its been almost a month since i ended my first year at my first job Finally working the job that i dreamed about during those late night capstone revisions and early morning red-bull fueled walks to my assistantships. Its hard to believe that i made it here and there are still days where i look on my door and see my name with a masters degree. For those of the readers who don’t know, i am a Residence Hall director, i work as a advisor for a residence hall and have the duties of keeping students safe while also developing them to become better humans. Its been a fast paced couple of months with too many lessons to count. However finally i have the time to process it all.

Now that the summer months are upon me and i finally have time to reflect and start to develop some sort of standards and operating guidelines, or my handbook so to speak i try to write to this page what i believe i have learned and stuck with me for next year. This isn’t a manual that is meant to be published or one that many will follow because, well, its not for them. I write about this to make a digital testament to myself of how far i have come since starting this job. Its sometimes hard to write a list like this, because some of life’s lessons you have learned you want to share with the world and others you want to lock the secrets of success away so you don’t let it go and let anyone else find out. However, i don’t think these are secrets to most, but to me they are new discoveries of myself and my role.

The Things i learned in Year One:

  1. You’re gonna make some dumb mistakes, but it shows you’re human, use it to connect.
  2. Imposter syndrome is fucking legit, but its also a trap, you’re meant to be right where you are.
  3. Don’t compare yourself to your mentors, they were there developing how you could do something, now you have to find your own way to answer everything.
  4. Even when you mess up, it wont change people’s view of how you get your shit done.
  5. Ask a lot of questions instead of sitting around. When you learn you plan, when you plan you know what to do. You’re young in this field might as well take everything and filter it as you go.
  6. Don’t forget about your friends, even with a full time job you should take time to see them, they miss you.
  7. Have patience with stupidity, they may never get smarter but its better than you getting dumber in the process
  8. DON’T EAT AT THE SAME 2 RESTAURANTS, YOU’RE GONNA GET FAT (Unless you work out, then go ahead)
  9. Sometimes you need to put your head down, do your job and go home. Other days, make sure you pick up your head, you might miss something.
  10. You’re gonna have days where the soul and flesh aren’t willing. All you can do is sit, process it whether that is yelling on a car ride in the night or taking a smoke break. Then pick yourself out of the dirt and get on with the day.
  11. Don’t let yourself get personally involved in a conduct case, it clouds your judgement.
  12. Anger gets you no where, be kind but don’t let anyone get in your fucking way.
  13. Remember when you play the game of politics you either win or you make bad enemies
  14. Just remember the ” little people” will be your best foundation and best resources. Keep them on your hip
  15. Support your co workers, they are your only entertainment and its better to not piss them off.
  16. Trust your staff, they trust you and they want that reciprocated.
  17. Stop acting old and talking about experience you had, this isnt story time
  18. The golden rule still goes a long way even when you are 24.
  19. Theory is nice and all but youre gonna make something up on the fly to explain the impossible.
  20. You are only human, and there will be dark days ahead but you can be super human on multiple occasions.
  21. Dont take it personal when a staff member quits, it was never on you and they dont blame you for leaving. Just be supportive.
  22. Enjoy the job, this is what you dreamed about in classes and capstone. As the saying goes, Drive it like you stole it.
  23. They look up to you, even when you are upset they look up to you, take up the mantle and be the leader they need you to be
  24. Dont drink redbull until you are on duty.
  25. Be the RD you know you can be, fun but stern. Dedicated but direct, hard nosed but understanding.

Its a job i take great pride in; i can not thank those who gave me a chance to prove myself in this field. I can’t wait to continue to learn and add to this list with a redux next year about what i learned in year two.

Kevin at a Desk

I Don’t Think I’m Doing It Right.

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You get a moment in time to think about your next action, your next words.

Hear the clock ticking or is that your heart running the Boston Marathon?

For a brief moment you feel as everything stops and all eyes are on you, either in distain or in belief.

Then everything goes black;

Times up! Whats your call?

i feel like when i get in something too deep when i have to be the lead, the person everyone looks to, i always feel like I’m fucking up. i feel that I’m not saying the right words or doing the right things. Even when i have the training and i go over the protocols in my head, i feel as if i fall flat on my face when i try to execute such actions.

I always feel like i’m not doing what i need to right.

i have never felt a time in recent history where i have felt confident in my actions and words and can’t stop the metaphorical train from running off the tracks. Maybe its the pressure getting to me, or the anxiety of letting down people who believe in me, the ones that really make me a better person, or maybe i just don’t want to lose the stable adulting “footing” i have for the first time in my young adult life. i like to think we the people who serve others in leadership roles suffer from the split decisions that stick in our minds and control a tangle like bind on our heart strings. We worry about the decisions we make and the words that make it to our lips because we are young and don’t want to suffer from a mis step that can make us lose our slim, finger tip grasp on what we dreamed we would be in our lives. There will be times where the pressure of making the right call or walking the proverbial line will get to us and we will need a moment here or there to decompress and to process the world and its ways. I can tell you from experience what comes of that can be many things and ways that a human can process things, not to mention that, in my case, there are sleepless nights based solely on a decision or something i said and me trying to get out of my head and into bed.

Thats kinda why this is being written at 1:07 AM on a Thursday morning because i cant sleep quite yet in my own apartment.

The reality is, we will always need to lie in our beds that we make at the end of the day. The thoughts may race through our heads and our heart rates will fly but we need to put it aside as best we can for the next issue, the next big tongue tie. Life’s dogmas and doctrines state that the past is the past but we must either learn from it or remain hurt by it. The best we can do for ourselves is to take a breath, try and talk it out with someone and just gear up for whatever comes our ways next while learning from our experiences. Life is not designed to be a wading pool, life is a fast pace river and we just need to be ready for where the current takes us next.

After all, even if we are not feeling like we are doing our jobs or responsibilities right, we are still trying to do good in this world.

Kevin at a Desk

I Hate Being the Nice Guy

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It’s all fun and games until you get burnt.

Its not a hard concept to be a nice guy. You do the right thing, try not to let anyone down, and do things for the greater good. A nice guy extends his arm out every time and does what they can to make sure someone can succeed with the rest of the world. There are sometimes when the hand that feeds gets bitten and the nice guy finishes last. In my opinion, i try to get back to the root of why i help people and even when i get burnt in helping someone i still try to come back to my core beliefs.

But what happens when someone gets burnt a little too much?

This is what happens when you’re too much of a nice guy, you get tired of people walking over you. You get annoyed when you’ve done so much for a person and they cant appreciate the things you’ve done; a real “What have you done for me lately?” kinda mindset. You boil over and when you say something you look like the bad guy, the person that gave everything doesn’t get the credit they deserve. It poisons the mind and eats at the soul until you are consumed with the false reality that you were never good in the first place. But thats not true, you’ve just reach a compelling point in your where you are giving up the poison.

i finally reach a point where i realized i cant be the nice guy i have been for a long time. For the first time in a long time i cant play the guy who gives a lot to get a little, who worries about something out of my reach. Its making me lose my mind, and i’m sick and tired of not getting much out of anything. I hate the feeling that people do not see me doing good that i have always strived for and when i step away from my normality of being generous to them, trying to rest, they complain about how i never do anything for them. I give them everything on a silver platter and they complain about the shine.

Its about time i focus on being a nice guy to myself for the long run of things. i don’t want to walk away from helping people entirely but i see that i am not gaining what i thought i would by putting others first, so maybe its time i put the metaphorical book of others needs on the shelf and read a new story. It looks like for a while its gonna be a reflective time for myself to try and be selfish for once in my life and i mean in a good way. Its gonna take time to become adjusted to this new philosophy but hey i got my entire life to figure out myself.

I’m starting at the top of my list with the company i keep. The people i need to stay away from in my case are the ones who ask and really never give anything in return that makes me be a better human in the short life we have. i do not want to put all of myself out to help when they do not defend me in my times of need. But this is no eye . for eye my friends. Its just a simple yet complex action They got to go, it might be awkward at first but i gotta think whats best for me in the end. In the reverse sense i will uncover those who really make me better; at my job, as a person, as a family member, and in the general sense of the term. By stripping away the layers of things that take away from what makes me, me i find the real core of myself. The original layer so to speak.

If you’re in my boat i think you’ll find the first thing on your list may be different from mine and thats ok. To be a selfish person means not to give anything back to hold everything in for yourself. What we are doing is refining what we give and what we get, checking our source of joy and other things that makes us who we are as particular generous, nice people. By doing this we will lose things and people but thats ok, things like this happen naturally but since we are causing the purge so to speak it feels like we are doing it not out of self care but self hate and it looks worse to the people and things we choose to walk away from. They will think the worse of us and remember nothing but the bad even if we help them at their darkest hour. Do not think too much into this and remember that this will change things but you’ll be better on the other side.

Peace & Blessings My Friends

Kevin at a Desk

Can i give you some advice?

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i like to think that we rely on our friends advice more than we do our own parents and sometimes sound logic. It trends in different directions depending on what we want or what the situation entails, and we always end up asking for advice. i like to think that i give decent advice when someone asks me what to do or what to ask someone, but i cant help but think that sometimes its either gibberish coming from my brain or something actually made sense to someone else (which always pleasantly shocks me).

Its seems like i seek out those who may need assistance all the time time when in fact i tend to find myself at the base of an issue that i may have heard about but never acted upon. Advice can be helpful but when the adviser is over bearing then the knowledge goes down the drain. To be giving advice you have to be in a good place and have a little bit of knowledge. When i give advice, i try to ask questions to make sure i don’t just say something that makes no reference to the conundrum. i have been burnt many a times when giving advice that wasn’t relevant anymore. These questions are critical when it comes to giving advice. The more you know the better luck you have with saying something right.

I just hope when i give advice, i am actually making someones life better and actually assisting them with their worries and quarrels. There will be times where i don’s get it right or the advice is not heeded to the full extent and its a realization that sometimes even with advice, you have to let people solve it themselves. What i have learned in the past is that there have been times where people relied on me for help and i have been at a loss for words, being to afraid to give them the hard truth or the soft lie, indecisive words event with a decisive mind. i try to map my words out in the seconds i have yet they get lost on the way to my vocal chords. I have tried to just say what i think in recent memory with very little thought to how i feel. If someone is asking for my help, the most i can do is give my two cents to their situation.

At the end of the day, i can only give advice and its up to the person receiving it to make the final call. Its hard to give advice that you feel is accurate to the situation but to them it could mean all the difference in their final actions. I just hope that some of my words make it to the proverbial wall of words that create a sense of direction in this crazy world.

Fitness and Wellness, The Human Alexa

Words I have heard in my yoga practice that you might need to hear right now

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First of all… this poem called Joy For No Reason by Danna Faulds:

I am filled with quiet joy for no reason save the fact that I’m alive.


The message I received is clear – there’s no time to lose from loving,


no place but here to offer kindness,


no day but this to be my true, unfettered self and pass the flame from heart to heart.


This is the only moment that exists – so simple, so exquisite, and so real.

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Secondly…

…You are beautiful, inside and out.

…Sometimes it’s tough.  Mentally.  Physically.  Emotionally.  But you push through it and the relief at the end is a feeling unlike any other.

…The most valuable gift we can give our bodies is time.

…This breath in…this breath out.

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…May you be happy, may you be safe, and may you live your life with ease.

…We always seem to be tied up in what has happened and what is happening later.  But when we lock into our breathing, we are in the present.

…You are here, you showed up.  You did the hard part.

…Appreciate that you are alive beneath your hands, that you are the only person under your hands that matters right now.

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And don’t forget…

…If you can balance your body in here, you can balance anything out there.

…It’s okay if you fall.  It means you pushed it to your edge, and you get right back up.

…You’re the most graceful fall-er I’ve ever met.

…Your pose is not going to look the same as any other pose, because every body is different.

…Every day, your body needs different things.  One day you may be able to hold a headstand for 10 minutes, the next maybe you need to lie down into child’s pose most of the practice.  Wherever your body is, is perfect.

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…If you are really stressed or overwhelmed, try doing a few handstands.  They take conscious effort and focus, so it diverts your mind for a minute, and brings your attention to your balance and breath.  I think of it like hitting a mini restart button on whatever you were doing.

…We all know about the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would like to be done unto yourself.  But did you know it goes both ways?  You should do unto yourself as you do unto others.

…Find comfort in the discomfort.

…Whatever it looks like right now is beautiful.

…You’re sweating and you’re breathing: that’s all that really matters.

..Nothing changes if nothing changes.

…When the merry-go-round of thoughts come in, let them.  But don’t get caught up on any that don’t matter in the right now.  Just let them keep going around.

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In case you need a reminder…

…You are enough, you do enough, you have enough.

…Practice self-compassion.  Compliment yourself and appreciate your body just as you would another person.

…If your loved one was going through this, what would you tell them?  Sometimes what we tell others is what we need to hear ourselves.

…Find softness in your edge; the furthest point you can push your body.  Then exhale, soften, and push just an inch further.  That’s where the change happens.

…Sometimes what we need is not what we want.

…Heart open, back straight, booty low.

…It’s so easy to just send a text, or post a photo.  Showing up, being present – that’s showing passion, commitment, appreciation, drive.

…Just being here, right now, adds to the dynamic of the room.  If one person was missing, this whole practice would be different.

And finally…

…The light in me sees, and honors the light in you. Namaste.

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Special thank you to The Yoga Shop of Salem (well the entire TYS community, for that matter) for allowing me to grow in my practice, my mind, and my life.  Thank you for sharing these words with me in and out of our practice.

If you would like more mantras like these, I highly suggest getting yourself a copy of  Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie. (Shout-out to Amanda for the best Secret Santa gift this year.) Some of these words came from this book, as many of my instructors use it for their opening meditations in class.

Or, better yet, come join a practice sometime.  I promise you won’t regret it.

Higher Thoughts, The Human Alexa

See the person next to you? Wear their glasses.

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Into adulthood, almost 22 years into life, I’ve learned many things.

I’ve learned how to walk, and talk, and write letters.

I’ve learned how to make those letters into words and those words into sentences that sometimes make sense.

I’ve learned (miraculously) how to let the little things go and live life like a wave (and have always had a love for alliteration).

I have taught myself the virtue of patience, and 8-hour bladder control (thanks to teaching the young children), and how to carry things on my head for all of 7 seconds.

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But of everything I have learned, the most important take away, I think, is to never stop learning.

About math, science, geography, and the people around you.  They often have the best stories, and the best knowledge.

I am fortunate to have been able to immerse myself abroad, in a new country, town, culture, and standard of living.  I am far from an expert on these countries, and far from truly understanding what life is like there, since I was just an ‘obroni’ traveler volunteering my time for but a couple of months.

What I do know, though, is that what I learned from the people I met there will forever exceed anything I have learned, and will ever learn, in school.

People are your best resources.

If someone is around you, that means they somehow, someway, ended up in the same space.

You all ended up in the same place at the same time, and are likely now doing similar things.

And while you ended up together at this moment, your paths leading up to now were so, so different.

You grew up in different households, towns, states, countries.

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You have a different set of relatives living in your home and different relationships with those people; you may even speak a different language with them than you do at work.

Maybe the person sitting next to you speaks 3 different languages, with English being their second or third.

Maybe you are the one with a rich background – the one with a story to tell.

Or maybe the girl down the hall has family members in the country you’re travelling to on your next vacation and can give you the inside scoop.

What if the boy you sit across from grew up learning math using a different method, and can help you solve the problem you’ve been stuck on for hours?

How do you know the woman who just got promoted didn’t grow up bouncing from foster home to foster home, until she was able to pay for school and work her ass off to get to where she is now?

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All of you have had life experiences that lead here, yes.

But those experiences have also taught you differently than the person sitting next you, and has shaped your mind in a unique way.

I think that is the most beautiful thing about humans: we are so incredibly unique; we have such an amazing mind filled with memories and choices and viewpoints that allow us to see the world through a new set of glasses.

We have had a different set of family, friends, mentors, and way of living.

Different resources and standards of living and values that have shaped the way we live on this planet.

So talk to the people around you.

Wear their glasses for a while.

Can you imagine if we could see through everyone’s glasses all the time?

I would want that would be my superpower: to be able to communicate with everyone on this planet, so I can learn about how they perceive everything around them.

I think that’s way more fun than walking a mile in their shoes.

You may just learn something about yourself you didn’t realize before.

 

Just Post Grad Things, Kevin at a Desk

Saving the Best for Last

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You think your best friends are the ones from your freshmen floor, first year seminar class, or even your dinning hall crew. In the course of four years, your first friends fade away from your college social circle and you see them walking through the halls or the random parties you attend during the years. In those times you feel like nothing changes but yet the actions are in motion and you lose the friends you thought you would have post grad.

I can speak from experience that i very rarely see people from my first year floor. Its not the fact that we argued or did anything wrong, we just drifted apart. It was not like i stopped talking with them, they always gave me the time of day. Its was the fact that some left, some ignore us and and others just changed; its a fact of life that change was due. I made different friends over my three years but i think one of the most memorable one i made was in senior year

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Chris here is your shout out!

I met Chris in May of 2016 during our time volunteering for graduation at Merrimack College. I knew of him based on stories told to me and the brief time i knew him in the Love Your Mellon crew before he went abroad for the spring semester of junior year. When i met him in that May i knew a lot about him while he had no idea who i was. Funny, because when i saw him in June for orientation i had no idea what his name was and he remembered everything.

Great start right?

What developed over time was a genuine friendship that transformed into a brother type relationship. We  would spend countless hours sending texts with really stupid photos to each other or we call late at night to ask what the fuck is going on in our lives after not speaking for like two weeks at a time. Yeah one of those types, the ones no one teaches you. The ones they say are mythical at times. We have been there for everything, the highs and lows and all the crazy shit that happened in senior year, stuff we would only tell in person (Hint; one involves a shoe). You cant find this anywhere else.

I like to think senior year friends/ relationships are some of the best you can have because you don’t have anything to prove anymore. The first two years of college you are reinventing yourself to fit a new mold that is being made by your experiences. By junior year the mold is solidifying and who you are and your reputation is basically set in stone. So when Senior year rolls around you know who you mesh with and who you don’t. In my case and a lot of other cases, we found someone that gets how we roll with things in life. Its the kind of bond you wanted all those years ago when you were basically a nobody looking to fit in. The bond you find as most authentic ones are indescribable to just anyone but you find a way to explain it in the end. The best things are the ones that take the longest to find in my opinion. Maybe it is the collapse of your time within the hallowed walls of college, but i feel as if you are not concerned of the little stuff as well.

You don’t worry about the schedules or activities, if anything you share in their passions and become a part of what they love.

Basically to those in senior year, the best is truly yet to come. What transpires your senior year really sets the pace for your post graduate experience. If you find someone that you never talked with until senior year and you really mesh well and creates a great aurora between you two, hold tight to that. Explore that a little further and take all the time you can to really get to know them. They will be the ones you seek out in the  what can only be described as the best of times and even the worst of times.

Even after all this time and all this searching, they were there all along

Kevin at a Desk

Late Notice

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OK. Stop me if you heard this one before. You apply for the job, get an interview (maybe even a second) and you wait to hear back. Then you’re stuck to wait and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait until finally!!!!

They don’t have an opening anymore.

GOD does this bug me!

I am hired and working happily at a place where i love to go to work every day, work with great co workers, and in my biased opinion  have the best supervising role for ten outstanding kids. What gets me going is the fact of how the companies, or where ever we choose to work, they perch you up next to others on a shelf and drop people into the trash as they figure out who’s the best candidate for the job however what i get upset is when good talent is forced to rot on that shelf. You wait for a job that you really want and you are forced to wait even if you send out applications to other institutions or places of work. Its unfair to you, the applicant, when waiting becomes your worst enemy especially after you have the second round interview where you have the most hope of landing the job.

It is not that hard to say no thank you. 

I rather be told upfront that i am not fit for the job or they like someone else. I get to move on with my search and they get their person. It is that simple. It is not like that, you get left to sit up on a shelf helpless until you get a response.  I know many good people who are still looking for a job but they get hung out to dry with the jobs and even tho i am biased, i can still tell who is a good catch for employers. Even Gibbs from the CBS Show “NCIS” has a great rule about this kind of stuff. ” YOU DONT WAIST GOOD” Yet people will waste good until its going going gone.

My favorite thing is now that i am employed, i am getting a lot of feedback from the places i interviewed giving me the automatic HR response. I just mark it as spam at this point. Its not even worth writing back to them or acknowledging it because it is a opportunity that has long passed. I am happier where i am now that i was ever going to be in these other places that left me with a notice that is long overdue.

Now, I am guessing if you are reading this, you’re experiencing the same thing.

What i advise you to do is keep pumping out those resumes and get into those phone interviews. Especially if this is your first real world, post college job you have to be very proactive for that job. If you wait around then you are letting yourself rot on a shelf. Once you apply there will be waiting periods, but this doesn’t mean you have to wait around. Start prepping what you are gonna say in the interview, how you want to look on a Skype interview, or what connections you have to the organization you are applying for that you can somewhat get activated. Basically start the fire and keep your irons in to prepare for what might happen. If the company takes their sweet time with a response and you feel like you are getting stale, take the risk and get off the shelf. You do not have to take this systems crap, you can move on to another place, maybe that is where you were meant to be.

Basically, their late notice is their loss.

Why does it have to be your leash?