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Relationships

The Do’s and Don’ts of the Dating Death Trap

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Introducing – the Millennials Guide to The Do’s and Don’ts of the Dating Death Trap – [feel free to add]

Point one: Communication

[DO] Improve your practice of good communication

Chivalry is always the first to be thought dead, but our ability to communicate has diminished so much that we have resorted to ludicrous terms like ‘ghosting.’

‘Ghosting’ can be defined as one person, who often reached out to communicate with another suddenly stops completely. It is also rude and most of us have done it…

I for one will tell the people I am interested in that being honest is paramount to all else. If you tell me that you aren’t interested anymore, I will be ok, if you ignore me until I’m forced to figure it out for myself, I won’t be as relaxed about the issue. And similar to this is the idea of buffet style dating. The route taken when one person choses to pick, choose and use a number of other individuals at one time. Being honest about that style of dating may not be highly approved of, but at the same time, no one can blame you if you have been up front from the jump. So just be honest and communicate.

[DON’T] Allow Communication to be One sided

Here is where we get into the “playing games” debate. So from my experience in dating, I have realized that the guys I was with never lead me on, never played games – but I took what they said and got it jumbled in my head. I can admit that is on me. But allowing communication to get jumbled in the first place is a major issue that contributes to drama and severed relationships.
At the end of the day we can’t force something that isn’t there. Be honest with your partner because that kind of communication practice might help you in other areas of your life as well.

Point two: Pace

[DO] Go at your own speedpexels-photo-638487

Remember that your relationship is equal between two people, the rest of the world has no business knowing what you do and when. Being comfortable and trusting the person you are with is so crucial to how you treat yourself, your partner, and those around you. Rushing things could lead to some ill feelings and if those are not expressed one could resent the person they are with.

[DON’T] Rush

I feel like these days we move so quickly. With apps like tinder and bumble the dating scene becomes a mix of sexually frustrated individuals, lonely love-struck wannabees, and genuine people wanting to find a real connection.
But rushing isn’t just a concept with intent, but one where ‘coming on too strong’ ie. showing interest, can become an immediate turn off. So while there is a benefit to playing hard to get, the best advice is to just take it at your own pace.
If you cant tell if you are moving too fast check out this link from the Huffington Post here.

Point three: Boundaries and Space

[DO] Have Boundaries

If you can’t hang out with your best friend 24 hours a day 7 days a week, odds are you can’t handle your significant other for that amount of time either. Creating boundaries allows for the much needed space to continue growing as an individual, not just one half of a whole. Be your own person, then share that person with those you love.

[DON’T] Overwhelm each other

The best way, I have found, to kill a new romance is to be on top of each other (not literally of course). When you spend all your time with one person you tend to cut yourself off from the other important people in your life, and in doing so you risk missing out on invaluable opportunities to learn and grow. If you truly love someone, and make the choice to spend your lives together then you can use that time to drive each other crazy, but right now, take it day by day.

[DON’T] Have so many boundaries that you are scheduling other romances in

In all relationships and on every side of the dating spectrum, the idea that someone isn’t open enough, can lead to doubt and a lack of trust. It seems like an obvious rule, but making yourself available (in whatever way you are comfortable) is a huge aspect of being in a relationship. It isn’t about always being 100%, that would be too high of an expectation, but being yourself and making time to be with someone you care about shouldn’t have to be a schedule based item. We make time to do the things we care about, so if you care about someone, and feel like you at e struggling to schedule them in, odds are you aren’t as into it as you could be.

…AND TO THAT SAME END…

If you are scheduling one romance around another, do yourself and that other person a favor and cut it off. If you need more than one at a time, odds are the ones you are with aren’t giving you what you really need.

For more info on the proper way and reason why to set boundaries Click here.

 

Additional Notes

hookups are not dates

no one person is in charge of paying for everything

a relationship is about equal give and take

 

Have more do’s and don’ts? add them below in the comments

 

 

 

Relationships

Heart for Rent – Not For Sale

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“The more people you let in the more they have a chance to walk right out of your life.” At my age – I’ve let a couple guys lease my heart but I  have never been good at breaking down the walls and they never stay long enough for me to collect rent.

I’m that girl that indulges in toxic relationships. That listens to sweet talk and ignores all the warning signs – because when he tells me “you’re beautiful” I’d rather not translate that to mean – I want to sleep with you.

Truth is – I’ve never been good at finding the right guy. Never been good at knowing my worth – and with no experience in love I tend to go with the flow [ translation, lay down and get taken advantage of. ]

In short – I am the girl that wakes up feeling ashamed for something that wasn’t supposed to feel wrong – for drinking too much and walking herself home. Translation:

I am the cautionary tale you tell your daughters before they go to sleep at night because you never want to see them get hurt in the way most – if not all – girls inevitably do.

this isn’t a pity party

Of all the regrets I have, I wouldn’t change the lessons I have learned. I wouldn’t change the life I have lived, not only because I can’t – but because I have come to terms with the way my heart works.

To quote a movie – and a book – “The more people you let in the more they have a chance to walk right out of your life.” 

And as much as I wish this quote wasn’t true, it is – because I have felt it first hand. For me – and I think I have said this before – loss comes easier than love – because for me – I learned loss before I could understand what love was.

The reason I spent weekends watching trashy teen dramas [ and yes this is diluted ] was to understand the way other people thought. For them it wasn’t thoughts of falling one parent short of  being an orphan, it wasn’t contingency plans if mom dies. It wasn’t black dresses and churches and services and flowers and casseroles – it was boys, and designer brands – it was drinking yourself stupid and talking about the things you shouldn’t have done on Saturday come Monday morning.

So for me – teen dramas were the way out – because I didn’t have to let anyone in and I didn’t have to watch any more people I cared about – walk out.

me – I write sins, not tragedies

I get caught up in the nights I should have had, the boys I should have kissed, the mistakes I couldn’t make because – because if something happened to me my family would suffer. My greatest sin before being reborn in college was not living my own life but the mistake of only existing in the pages of my novels and pretending that I could escape from my nightmares.

My sin in college was pushing people away to see who would come back – and hurting more when the first guy I hooked up with didn’t. My greatest sin has not been a tragedy though. Because I don’t believe in living tragedies. Because – like Shakespeare – even the greatest tragedies can be made into comedies.

Cinematic Discretion

If my life was a movie – you would think it sad. But in reality the choices I have made – the decisions that have defined me only prove that when it comes to love – and when it comes to my heart.

When I watched “to all the boys I’ve loved” the other day I wondered how many people feel the way I do. I wondered what my chance at love was if it still scared me. I wondered what my odds were if my biggest fear wasn’t being forgotten or dying, but being left behind. And I don’t know when those answers will come, or when love will – and that sucks but it doesn’t mean I cant learn from what scares me. I guess it took me writing this [ and who knows what else in regards to soul searching ] that while

I may always [ for now ] be for RENT – I will NEVER BE FOR SALE

 

Relationships

The One that Got Away

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my good friends know who he is – my acquaintances know who he could be – but I know him as the one who got away

I was always the awkward angry type. I grew up watching rom coms and believing that – this is what life could be like. Believing – I could one day fall for my best friend and then that would be it – because he would feel the same way and we’d keep being friends and grow the relationship from there.

When the movie ends, they never show you what happens after the “happily ever after” they just fade to credits and you assume that the characters walked off into the sunset without any issue.

A couple years back I was working up to a couple sunset moments. I mean they all started like a movie so who was I to not be a hopeless romantic and assume they could end in the same way. [ I was wrong ] See my freshman year I broke someone’s heart – hell maybe I even broke a few, but it wasn’t until the following year when I was chasing a dream – that I realized the most important heart I broke that year was my own.

Four years back… [trust me it gets less cheesy]

Four years ago my life restarted, I was just starting college – coming off of the most incredible summer of my life. I was ready for my life to change and sure enough it was. 

Then I started dealing with reality…

See what they don’t tell you when you get to school is that nine out of ten people have just as much family drama and just as many family disfunctions as you do. I personally found this comforting in my own twisted way – but it didn’t make dealing with everything any easier. 

I ran  from a lot my first year of school. I ran from boys, friends, obligations, my past – but most importantly I ran from myself. 

Now like I said I broke a couple hearts that year – but it wasn’t until a big part of me left that I realized how dangerous my own actions could be when it came to my heart.

Cue the drunk texts

My sophomore and junior year of college I learned the importance of blocking people. And to be completely honest it was never their fault – but my own. I don’t know how many drunk texts I sent to the guys who dared to show interest in me, but they almost never ended well. 

It was around this time – or rather Christmas that I started referring to someone I used to know as the one 

The truth I am scared to tell

Have you ever met that person that gets you? The one who understands exactly who you are. Sees through the disguise. Knows all your flaws and knows that the way you see yourself is the hardest weight to carry?

I have.

And I scared him off.

See the truth is – you never think you’re going to lose someone. You never assume that a skipped goodbye will turn into three years of waiting to see someone again. You never assume that one person – who you care so deeply about because you know that your relationship will never be the same as it was when you met – will leave.

but it happens

Look take it from someone who has watched people up and leave. Who has gotten jealous over nothing and written novels about her mistakes – its easy to wish someone gone in a moment, but having them follow through – having them walk away unexpectedly – it haunts you.

my good friends know who he is – my acquaintances know who he could be – but I know him as the one who got away

For me this guy will always be the one who got away. And while I know there was nothing I could have done – I know there is a lot I should have done differently.

Truth is life pulls us in a million different directions – to a dozen different places, and maybe the way we have worked it out to be in our heads isn’t the way it was meant to be – but that doesn’t mean we wont wonder.

to the one who got away, you know who you are… or maybe you’re still looking… but no matter what – I am so proud to have been a part of your story. and I hope that one day we will meet again.

Higher Thoughts, Relationships

Know Your Worth

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There are two types of people I see recently, those who know their worth and are confident and those who think they know their worth and are OVERconfident. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, we live in a time where everyone is trying to out due the next; and at the end of the day still aren’t happy. I don’t just mean this when it comes to dating but with work, friends, school, and even our own families. Always trying to please people, and for what exactly? For their approval? Why is it that we put so much pressure on our own happiness, solely based on others.

I’ve asked a few people what makes them happy and they always list peoples names, hardly ever do people say their health, job, pets, concepts, etc. In particular people always say the person they are in a relationship with is usually their main reason for their happiness. So your telling me you were miserable before you got into that relationship? Interesting. We all know the phrase

“You can’t love someone else till you love yourself”

But do you ever consider that before jumping into dating or any sort of relationship? Probably not.

What people need to understand is that no one should be the reason for YOUR own happiness. They should contribute to it but they shouldn’t be the whole reason why they’re happy. Because guess what, when it ends or a fight occurs, it feels like they didn’t just leave, but your happiness left with them. Its like if your with someone and they tell you that you are beautiful all the time and then you break up, do you stop being beautiful? NO! But you have to know that before hand! Which is what I mean when I say

“Know Your Worth”

I don’t just mean it when it comes to look, but know what you are truly worth, look deep inside yourself. I know that can be hard for some people to do because they may not always like what they see but, hey that’s you. All 100%, wonderful, incredible you!

Like I said earlier this doesn’t just apply to dating, but to all sorts of relationships, that means friends, coworkers, family, and more. If you feel like you are being treated unkindly or walked all over its okay to walk away. It okay to separate yourself from what could be a toxic situation, doesn’t mean you’re giving up, but somethings take time to heal and some things aren’t always worth the energy. What is meant to be, will be. And what is meant to end, will end.

One big thing I have learned is that some people are put into our lives to help us through certain parts, and once they have dones their job it may be time for that relationship to end. Don’t get salty and petty about it or them, but

“look back and appreciate the times you had together and the lessons learned.”

If they stay in your life then that’s great, that’s what was meant to be. But I always say

“you can’t force someone to stay where they don’t want to be”

We are all growing and put on certain paths, which some are meant to walk alone. Not everybody can be so lucky to try new things with those they feel comfortable with. But in my opinion they might not be lucky in that instance.

“How can you find yourself, when you aren’t alone?”

I believe that sometimes the most growth happens to us when we are put in situations where we are the most scared and lost.

Just know that who you are is who you are meant to be, we are always changing and through our lives, and with that comes some people won’t like that; and they don’t have to. But they don’t have to bring you down either. Know who you are, know what you deserve, and know your worth. Doesn’t mean your better than anyone else, but doesn’t mean you should allow others to treat you any less than what you deserve. And definitely don’t give anyone the satisfaction of being the sole reason to why you are happy. Look at yourself in the mirror and reflect, that means see the beauty and see the ugly. Improve yourself everyday, and for those who don’t like what they see in you, let them go. Don’t hold on because you want to stop change, becuase sometimes change can bring the best outcomes.

Know. Your. Worth.  

Relationships

“Foot Poppin Kiss”

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NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS

I’d like to say I’m accepting applications for America’s next best kisser, but I don’t know if he is here. I mean Anne Hathaway had to become a fricken princess of Genovia to get the kind of men I’d like to find. So my hope is a little skewed.

HONESTY HOUR

So I am utterly and completely one of those God Damn Independent types that DOES NOT NEED A MAN, but, that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a man who knows how to kiss me like I deserve every once in a while.

Now this doesn’t have to be a gender normative type of story. I can assume that a few of us know what I am talking about. It’s that feeling when they kiss you so good that you still feel it echoing through your lips when it ends. The kind of kiss that makes you want to tell your best friend the moment after it happens – the kind of kiss that makes your foot POP.

First Kiss

As a teenager I waited a long time for my first kiss. I was a senior in high school writing about romance and knowing nothing about it. I would still write love stories, but most of my “research” was television based. It wasn’t until my senior homecoming dance that I couldn’t wait anymore – so I kissed the first boy who offered.

Shortly after this I wrote my first love story – with much better descriptions of what it was like to be kissed and kissed well – it’s no wonder the story caught the eye of Delaware Scholastic Competition Judges.

THINKING BACK

I think my hopeless romantic edge comes from romantic comedies being my first experience of love. I developed a look but don’t touch mentality, falling in love through a screen for men like Paul Wesley and Zac Efron and Cody Linley from Hannah Montana.

But the thing was – movies never made up for the real feeling and they still don’t.

A lot of people measure time in different ways – lately I have been thinking about the timeline of kisses. I mean what if we measured time by the last time we felt something more than just Lust or Loss, Fear or Bravery, what if time was measured in unexpected moments.

THE LAST TIME I WAS KISSED

I didn’t think it would be the last, and I regret that it was. Turns out I made a couple more mistakes than I can remember – and I am sorry for that, but truth is – he hadn’t made my foot pop since the first time he kissed me. And maybe that is my fault to, but maybe measuring time in those great – charged – unexpected moments, is the key to keeping things exciting, and the key to us continuing a mutual chase no matter who our relationship is with.

You turned me off but the feelings are still there

My mother likes to tell me that water seeks its own level – that in relationships we look for what we are used to. For me this means I look for a man like my father, one who makes me laugh, who is a bit rough around the edges, but cares and cooks and listens… but what often happens is – I don’t find a guy like that but instead I settle for a man I know won’t be around much – and while that is great for any future lover who has a life, it often just reminds me that love [or like even] tend to flicker and fade quickly like overused lightbulbs.

LIKE ISNT A LIGHT SWITCH

I realize that sometimes I get caught up in the idea of someone. As if I had never felt adrenaline – as if doing something I knew was bad for me never felt so amazing. As if one guy could be the only neon fast food sign I’ve seen in 50 miles and all I want is to skid to a stop. I’ve been the girl that turns on the light switch to a room I am not meant to be in and regretted it later – See the truth is we can’t force the way we feel about people. We can want and need something but just because a guy fits the description, doesn’t mean he’s fit to be your prince.

I mean….

In the princess diaries Mia had the perfect guy right under her nose – but she thought the popular guy was better. She raced through her life burning out her stang’ to catch the guy that didn’t even care. Maybe I should have learned from that more than I have.

At the end of the day I guess I have spent a lot of time settling, and while it has lead to some pretty epic kisses – I think I still have a lot to learn until I find that really special “foot poppin” guy.

 

 

Higher Thoughts, Relationships

What is dating nowadays?

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Let’s be honest, dating is hard nowadays. Well not hard but not easy and definitely too complicated. It’s not as simple as just saying two people like each other and should start from there. Nope. You have to like the same type of shows, music, hobbies, style, brands, animals, colors, and more; and you have to agree on all that before you meet in person or even date. Not like you go on a date to get to know the person, nope that’d be unheard of. To actually spend time dating and then see if you two want a relationship with each other,

“nope because people fear wasting their

time.”

 Call me old fashioned but when I think of dating someone it isn’t just to kill time or because I’m lonely; I actually take it seriously. I don’t mean I viewing every relationship as “I may marry this person” but I know that it’s a commitment and takes time and effort. I just don’t understand how some people can bounce from one “serious” relationship to the other. How can someone jump right into another relationship after being “committed” and “invested” to someone else just weeks prior? Well here’s why, maybe, just maybe it’s because they weren’t really committed or invested to that person to begin with. They were committed to the idea of being with someone because it can be scary to be alone. Especially when you are constantly surrounded by those happy couples we see online. Because let’s be honest,

“Nothing’s official till it’s social media official”.

But do you really think those people are happy? In my opinion a relationship works best when the least amount of people are involved in it. In other words it should only include those two people!!!

Why is it that we live in the generation of having to show everyone everything? Why must we all gloat about who has the better life, or even worse, boasting about whose life sucks the most? Since when did being in a relationship have to be always being with that person; and if they aren’t together all the time or in constant communication, it meant they “fell out of love”.

No, just no, a relationship doesn’t mean talking all day everyday, it doesn’t mean posting about each other 24/7, and it definitely doesn’t mean spending every waking moment with each other and dropping everyone and everything around you for someone else.

A relationship doesn’t always have to be moving forward, it’s okay to be at a stand still for a while. It’s ok to be separate and live separate lives, its okay to spend time with your friends, and its okay to hold onto what makes you, you. You were who you were before that relationship happened and you still are during and after it.

“A relationship is two separate people coming together and sharing moments, not being the same person and living the same life.”

You’re never going to find your perfect match so stop looking! A relationship takes time, it can’t be found on an app, can’t be made with social media, and certainly doesn’t work if there is no trust. But hey ever think there’s no trust because trust takes time? And if you’re jumping from one person to the next it won’t work? Everything takes time, especially when it’s getting to know someone else.

We are told the the trick to a happy and long lasting relationship is communication, but is there such a thing as over communication? YES

“Personally I don’t understand how people can text and call each other all day everyday, talking non-stop; because once you are physically with them what is there to talk about?”

It’s like our generation skipped the phase of relationships, where you actually go on dates and get to know the person. I don’t just mean “netflix and chilling” either, I mean an actual date where you stick it out even if you aren’t feeling anything. Scary I know! Actually being face to face with someone, being forced to enjoy each other’s company and not being able to hide behind a phone or filter! Terrifying!!!! Or how about actually going up to someone and asking for their number or just striking up random conversation? In this day and age, I don’t think so!! Right off the bat you’ll be called “thirsty” or “a creep”. It’s like you can’t win!

Dating is scary nowadays, and technology has not made it easier. I swear technology is the reason dating has changed. Now with social media being at its peak, you’re never sure if the person your with has 50 people sliding into their DM’s, or liking other people’s “questionable” photos. It’s so easy today to just move on it seems.

“It’s like ever since sex was easier to get, love is harder to find”

I remember growing up and hearing stories from my grandparents on what dating was like in the 50’s. Now that sounds like my kind of dating, where a date could be as simple as going for a ride in the car and just talking all night; and if you were lucky you got to even hold hands! But today, its like you meet on an app, meet up at someone’s house (because god forbid you go in public), turn on netflix, then BAM sex. Just like that, no effort was put in, the sex didn’t mean anything to anyone; you just leave and one person hopes the other one texts them the next day. Pretty sad if you ask me. No chase anymore, no respect, and yet that’s what everyone is doing nowadays. Then people complain that they feel used, disrespected, and cheap. WELL DUUHHH, did you really think that was the foundation for a relationship?

“Everyone wants that picture perfect relationship but without any of the work”

Dating is a concept of truly opening yourself up to someone, allowing them to see all of you even, the sides of you that aren’t the prettiest. But what I have learned is that those who truly see your ugly sides and still chose to stay, those are the ones we should hold onto. Because in reality no one is perfect, and we are constantly changing and learning new things about ourselves our whole lives. Dating should take time, it should mean something to both people, and by all means it should be something that takes effort and work.

Relationships

Dear Dad

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Hey,

Long time no talk. Look I would have called sooner but… yeah – work has been great. Yeah – mom calls all the time. The Boy? Davis? He’s good – he’s definitely you’re son… no doubt about it. Yeah – he’s everything to me these days. What? Haha no – no boyfriend, haven’t found a man like you yet. And don’t worry I don’t plan on settling. What? Sorry? You’re breaking up. No. Dad. No. I’m getting another call I’ll. [the line cuts out]… I’ll call you soon…

or at least that’s what I should have said… but then I woke up.

Long distance living

This morning I slept in, I showed up late to work, I let myself slip because when you make a mistake enough it loses its value – but this doesn’t. The morals I’ve learned have value but somehow – today –  I didn’t seem to care because last nights dream was one that was too good to pass up. And I know you’re close but our visits, well they are few and far between and well … look since I messed up and didn’t say what I should have let me re-start like this. Dear Dad.

Dear Dad,

Hey, you know I could have sworn I saw you last night or eh – this morning? I was dreaming but it felt so… so real? I mean it didn’t because the moment I saw you I looked up and said, you seem shorter than my dad… but you’ll do… I was settling for a vision but suddenly I didn’t mind. Dear Dad.

Don’t worry you looked good.

Your hair was darker than it has been in a while, your face looked as though it had the slightest pixilation, but you looked young and healthy and amazing and then suddenly I woke up feeling like I had just played the best game of my life because I finally found you.

Dear Dad,

Its been – five? years since you’ve shown up in a dream. And in this one I had a step dad – and mom wasn’t happy, the whole world was off and this man – this man in our house – well he clearly didn’t belong. and – I know – I’m rambling I just have a lot I should have said like – dear dad.

Dear Dad,

It’s been eight years? since I’ve seen you, but last night made it feel like yesterday – and I knew t was fake but… I didn’t care. Dear dad.

Dear Dad,

I miss you. And don’t worry, your day dream doppelganger does not compare but I won’t say it wasn’t nice to have you… or him… or umm…?

Dear Dad,

I got a job?

I’m doing well.

Your son acts just like you – it couldn’t make me more proud. and your siblings take care of me as if I were their own – and I think I’m finally getting a hold of this growing up thing. Maybe… ?

Dear Dad,

I’ve visited your ashes three times this year. It’s a new record and I will top it again in the fall.

Dear Dad,

It was nice to see you in my dreams but I forgot to say one thing…

I love you – and of all the things I wish I could have said — I just wish I had said that before I woke up.

 

 

Relationships

A Date is NOT a D*** Appointment

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Maybe this next one won’t apply to you, but right now it is time to get real about a topic that a lot of us have on our minds… hookups. Enter the term ‘Dick Appointment.’ Now as a tasteful young lady don’t think ill of me for using this term; while obscure this slang actually and boldly details what some girls to be a scheduled hookup. It isn’t my favorite term… but it gets the point across.

If you go on a date you hope they call you back, but if you schedule a d*** appointment it is more like a visit to the doctors office, they only call once in a while when they need to check and make sure everything still works alright – and that is ok because the expectations on both ends are very different.

The Down and Dirty

Now guys, for a lot of us, we don’t want to be your 3 am booty call. Some do, but many do not. And for girls who are looking for something real – know that this kind of appointment won’t necessarily give you the all clear. See there is a difference between no strings attached and someone pulling on your heart strings so what troubles me most in dating culture today is the general wants and needs of the public. In general we WANT fun, to get to know someone, to be spontaneous, but what we NEED is a sense of honesty rather than entitlement. In other words having NEEDS and what we NEED are very different things.

On my Philosophies

Look I never expected to be any type of relationship writer. Heck most of my life my romantic experience was from television. Shows like “Sex in the City” taught me how to feel and be sexy without letting life [or men] get to me, and shows like “The Vampire Diaries” taught me the meaning of love in an oddly raw teen romance kind of sense.pexels-photo-1247933

Truth is, I don’t like making appointments with people I am interested in. I think that guys should call rather than snapchat if they are truly interested, and that if anyone likes a person because this happens in all relationships, effort should be put in on both sides to communicate what each party wants.

If that makes me old fashioned then fine, but there is more to life and love than the hints I have picked up and put down over the past couple months. At the end of the day, if you want sex to be a transaction, that is your choice. But a date… its not a d*** appointment because no one should be treated like that.

It’s not the other person’s fault

I have noticed lately that people play games. We do it to keep ourselves safe, to keep the playing field even, but from a female perspective I have to play devils advocate and call out the women who are playing with their own set of rules.

Recently, someone close to me was used. As a trusting person this guy fell for a girl and she broke his heart. For nice guys finding someone their age is hard. The young ones compete against the ones who talk smooth but treat people wrong and the old ones just do what they can to prove they care.

The end or the beginning

At the end of the day nothing seems to be fair in love and war, but that doesn’t mean we have to stop fighting. What steps can you do to change the stigma and end this war.

Good luck, God Speed, and Happy Friday Folks.

 

Relationships

An Open Letter to My ALMOST Ex

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Dear…

I know we didn’t date. Maybe it felt more real for me than you. Maybe I wanted to convince myself I liked you because I liked the attention, or because I liked having something to talk about on girls nights out [sorry to the friends that listened and knew better]. Maybe I was sick of feeling like I was missing out on things I had never done.

I know we didn’t date. And I know it seems like I thought we did. Like I hung on your every word and waited for my phone to buzz hoping it would be you, but being horny and falling for someone are two different things, so don’t flatter yourself.

Truth is you were great. And I know we didn’t date – but if we did, I know you would have been good to me. I remember sweet moments with you away from your friends, moments you didn’t try to act macho, or push me too far. I remember times when I actually almost let myself fall for you over the feelings in my head, but you should know that it was only ever ALMOST.

Look… I know we didn’t date – but don’t think you’re special.  And honestly, the reason I get hung up is because I wasn’t the one who got to call it off. pexels-photo-1070970

I know we didn’t date. But you should know that you aren’t the first guy I knew was wrong and you wont be the last, so if that makes me crazy then yeah, I am. 

I know we didn’t date – and I know I might have been crazy at times – but you should know that all I’ve ever wanted was for someone to fight for me, and with your background, I’m not crazy to think you could.

I know we didn’t date – but was it a crime to get jealous? Was it a crime to call it off when I found out you had other girls in your room before you came over to mine. Was I wrong to not want to be another notch on your bed post? Another girl to get you off? Was I wrong to want more from myself and not just you? No.

I know we didn’t date. I know part of me wished we could have, but at least I knew from the beginning that you were wrong. That the red flags I ran past would allow me a trail back to the girl I was before I slept with you.

I know we didn’t date. and I know you think I am crazy, but at least I know now that your actual ex’s weren’t. Because I know we didn’t date, but if you talk about me behind my back like you do them, then the story you have warped in your head tells girls more about you than the stories you tell them.

So to my almost ex… Thank you… because I know we didn’t date – but what I learned from you, and you, and you, was something I should have learned the first time through. What I learned from you is that I should have known I deserved better, I should come first (in more than one way) and that red flags can’t always be the breadcrumbs that lead me home. but to my almost ex’s – thank you for telling someone else behind my back that were through. because truth be told, I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t made one or two mistakes with you.

bye…

and honestly thank you

 

 

JustRachel, Relationships

Slutty or Single – the Lack of a Middle Ground pt1

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The 22 Year Single Streak

I grew up in a cul-de-sac. By the time I was 14 I was watching romantic movies and teen dramas to get a gage for what my love life could be like [in theory.] And lacking any other point of reference than High School Musical and Desperate Housewives, I set my expectations high – fell for some people I barely knew, and wished that dating culture now was more like a romance noel rather than a Jersey Shore re-run.

at 22, I have never been in love, only in like – but even then, I worry about finding someone. but the worst part, is that people keep telling you you’ll get there, but they don’t know the side steps and shortcuts you’ve taken to feel something rather than nothing.

What I have found: Dating in 2018 is hard – but it is no one persons fault, it’s the system. In 2018 apps like tinder, bumble and coffee meets bagel make it easier for young people to expand their dating options, but are your options actually expanded if everyone is just playing a game? The epic gamification of swipe style dating culture has become a vastly hit or miss system that for me, has warped my idea of meeting that dream guy at a bar by chance.

The Process

Looking at my own love life [and maybe this applies to you too] I have used all of the apps above. I have tried to find dates on bumble but am often too confident to find a suitor. So what I have found is that often times the other party either is not interested in a date or doesn’t provide enough substance for me to know I can make it through that date [this is fine, it happens.] But then – Time passes, I get bored, I delete my account – then the cycle starts again.

For me, I have essentially been stuck in a talking phase for most of my adult life – and as for the men I meet at school or in my professional life, well those never really went how I wanted them to either. In short, at any point in my life, I can view myself as one of two things – Slutty, or Single, but what I constantly ask myself is… where is the middle ground?

The Rewind

Everyone has their own level of comfort when it comes to promiscuous behavior, mine has always been on the side of the lesser -o n the few occasions I have woken up in someone else’s bed, I walked home feeling like my skin was crawling away from my bones and like I couldn’t trust myself anymore – but the point I make, albeit archaic is that, for me, I never wanted the hook up culture, but occasionally made choices that I regretted.

So have I ever followed the traditional definition of a Slut? no, but the dirty feeling doesn’t seem to go away – and that is what scares me most.

The Present Tense

Status – single, and ready to mingle

At my current age and point in life, I would like to find someone, but like many people trust is an issue. For me it is about being comfortable with myself. Waking up with a smile, or a groan before work is all I need.

I guess what I am trying to say is that right now I am looking for balance, and if someone wants to meet me half way, well then he is more than welcome to meet me in the middle.