Tag Archives: Romance

I Spent 2 months with a Tinder and this is What I Learned.

Preface

This is not another article about fuck-bois or how dating culture is horrible or how me doing something completely out of my wheel house made me a better person… or is it…?

From the Deep End to the Kiddie Pool

Diving into the dating pool isn’t easy. The water is cold, the men and women are unclear and I’m pretty sure the guy who has a kid let that child go and crap in the deep-end, not that it’s anyone’s fault.

When it comes to 21st century electronic dating there is no shortage of eligible bachelors or bachelorettes, but 9/10 people aren’t actually on dating apps to date. They’re there to hook-up. 

Today the a thick cloud of stigma surrounding dating culture as a whole isn’t really fair to either end of the waters. Both males and females get subjected to unrealistic expectations and high cost scenarios.

Guys (Men) are labeled crass, rude and man whorish and women are labeled as sluts, whores, or even prudes if they prefer not to do “as other girls do,” and the problem with all of it is that we quickly lose sight of who we are when our sexual desires create a non humanistic profile to “sell” ourselves as non-sexual and sexual human beings because we have to make our profiles “sell”.

The Dating App Experience

For those of you who (May or may not be using apps such as tinder) have used dating  apps. You know as well as I that it is anything but a dating app.

Based on my own morals,  I have unmatched with about a dozen guys just this week for  rude messages about my behind or what they would like to put in it (essentially messages that would have  killed a nun and made their moms wash their minds out with soap).

See when it comes to online dating, I am too busy for bars, to anxious for sketchy meet ups, and I am just simply not looking to hookup and leave. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to find love.

Maybe I’m in the wrong place and I’m certainly in the wrong time, but why is it so much to ask that we be sexy and respected no matter the platform?  Is it so much to ask that we believe in this possibility for love, but moreover, and through this trial I had to ask – do I believe in this kind of love?

My answer:

Yeah? 

I mean the hopeless romantic in me does. The girl who meets that ‘once in a blue moon’ guy does. The girl who is told that her strength is sexy and not in a sexual way does, but the rest of me… the rest of me isn’t sure.

Tinder For Females

At the end of the day I can’t speak for the boys- and I can’t hate on the bois but tinder for women is an experience. (Take that as you will.)

For myself Tinder was about swiping right in the right ways but based on interactions I have had, the same can definitely NOT be said for all women who use the app. 

When it comes to tinder there are five types of guys, the too forward to even see where you’re at, the ‘I lift and I drink beer’ guy, the once in a blue moon sweet – I want to meet you type, the I have a girlfriend but were ‘on a break (or “we’re looking for a threesome”), and then there is the guy who can’t catch a break who tries to be all of the above and reminds me that I am just not cut out for this online dating scheme.

Each of the guys above has their own motive… but for some it is worse than others. For example one guy I recently matched with is an old classmate – but he was also this guy that I always thought he was cute… then he opened his mouth. “I am still only looking to F***” and while he has said this in the past I was naïve enough to believe that the year that has passed since we last spoke was enough for him to change his tune… it wasn’t. And while I have no issue with what he wants, I for one know that I deserve better and ladies –

YOU DO TOO

What Tinder Taught Me

The one thing I love about Tinder is that it allows me control in the conversation. Unlike manual style dating where a guy approaches you to ask you out – many men… and yes, women, can feel less of a sting from being denied online. With Tinder, you don’t feel the rejection, if they don’t swipe then you don’t know. It seems to be a simple lack of emotions in this equation.

But at the same time…

The thing I hate most about Tinder is that it allows us to hide.

With Tinder, I can hide behind a keyboard, I can say – “yes I love sushi. No I hate beer, but I love a good IPA.” I can say – “yes I speak fluent Spanish, while tripping over conjugation and the occasional google translate without dying of embarrassment.

Online I can be a dozen versions of myself, but by the time the day is done, I have gone through 12 conversations and made no progress whatsoever.

So what did it all teach me?

It taught me that – tinder is against my moral code. It taught me that its not for me, I’m not a tinder profile but I am a human looking for a lackluster thing called love. Hook-up requests and peach emojis, yeah that isn’t my language and that I really hate trying to speak Spanish to impress someone… even if I did it in Italy.

It taught me that – I am not cut out for online dating and that sorry boys… but if you don’t want me for me – swipe left.

 

Five Categories Netflix Should Add ASAP

  • Lonely, Horny and Desperate – aka when Rom Com’s aren’t enough but ‘unrated’ movies are too much and too crude for you to handle. this genre could feature
    • underrated as well as up and coming heartthrobs
    • scandals
    • romance
    • and anything that would spice up a lonely night in with a bottle of wine
  • DCOMS – because everyone needs to know what Disney Channel Original Movies are… Hello Zenon? Johnny Kapahala? Raven Simone? Where Y’all At?
    • *extra points to any reader or follower who can name their top five * in the comments below
  • Random for you – a list specifically made for the most indecisive people in the world – spin a wheel and decide what you are watching tonight! (because the number of times I have asked Google or Siri what I want to watch is out of control.)
    • roll a die pick a card – I don’t care just put something on!=
  • Movies Hulu and Amazon don’t have – not just Netflix originals
    • the number of times I have gone through all three sites to find the same damn choices is ridiculous. I am glad you all use the same algorithm but give me some variety!
  • Movies that will convince Baby Boomers you are more Cultured than the Average Millenial
    • classics like ‘Scarface’ ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’ ‘Grease’ the original ‘Footloose’ with Kevin Bacon? or even silent movies or Hitchcock (I am talking good cinema people!!)

 

BONUS IDEA!

  • Netflix and Chill 
    • movies and shows to mindlessly watch or not watch… and enjoy for hours on end

 

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Do you have any categories you would like to see? Comment and share your favorites below!

On NOT Finding Love

Call me hopeless but I am a sucker for a lost cause, an f boi, a dud, or a fixer-upper.

and maybe that’s why I always find myself on apps like tinder and bumble looking for ‘love’ I can’t find elsewhere – but for me what’s worse is that my brother [who I look up to for his resilience and strength and gigantic heart] finds love all day every day – but maybe that’s because he is never looking for it?

Choose Friendship over Boys

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I guess you could say I am a total glutton for punishment when it comes to men. I like the ones that never like me back – but how does one break the trend of broken men?

As you can assume – I wouldn’t be writing this post if I knew, but I do know one thing. I have felt a real connection, I have known easy romance – and it isn’t always sexual, in fact, I have had so many more easy friendships with men than I have had relationships. Which honestly can get pretty darn confusing if feelings get involved. [And they have]

See for me – it is ironically about trust, communication, and ease of speech. It’s finding a conversation in silence and being able to say absolutely anything without the additives and the bs – but I have only found that kind of ‘love’ and it is and will always be- far from possible.

Maybe it’s the fact that I get hung up on the idea of someone that keeps me from finding someone or something that is good for me. Maybe I joke and play and close myself off – but then again, if he can’t handle me at my strongest – he doesn’t deserve me decaffeinated.

I guess what it comes down to is that we all have the idea of the perfect person we would do anything to be with – but while that person might be perfectly right for you – maybe they aren’t right now.

At the end of the day, love is a waiting game paired with a game of chicken. Where at the end I will either find the perfect person to be with or get trampled by the cat lady/dog lady old maid lifestyle.

I Refuse to be Alone – But I will Never Settle

This past summer was one of extreme growth. Suffice to say – I made quite a few mistakes when it came to the men in my life. But what I realized through this is that growing up and becoming an adult isn’t about being in a relationship with anyone other than myself. Of all the boys I have loved, and all the ones who did me wrong – I learned from those experiences. I learned that the choices I make inebriated or not affect the life I live and honestly, I am grateful to have made those mistakes in the safe and controlled environments that I did.

The way I see it – romance is like a science experiment. You set a standard hypothesis, a possible outcome, pick your variables and see where the experiment takes you. When you start your journey you are not meant to know where it will lead – but that’s what makes following your intuition so powerful and interesting.

Look I am no love guru, I usually can’t give myself enough patience to love myself every day, but I am not now and I never have been alone.

Continue reading On NOT Finding Love

Slutty or Single – the ‘Nice Guy’ and the Lack of a Middle Ground

In this day and age, I struggle to understand dating culture. If I am single, I have to be clear what I am looking for, but if I don’t take the bait quick enough I am a prude. Similarly, if I am very interested but decide that this is not a good route for me, I am playing games or a slut.

So for me, personally, it sometimes feels like I can’t win. And I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way.

The Break Down

The ones who are interested don’t always commit [they prefer the buffet rather than the steak dinner], the ones who commit – ought to be committed with how fast they plan our future, and well, the ones in between don’t respond to you texting first because that is against protocol? Then, of course, you have the weekend flings, the line drive sliders [popping right into the Direct Messages] Now obviously these standard experiences do not wholly represent the population. I for one know a dozen brilliant, beautiful and amazing humans, but for every ‘good guy’ and goofball there is another a** hat who cheats, guilt’s, or pushes the envelope.

and yes. sometimes that one DB ruins the dating pool for the good ones and the ones who end up being a shoulder to cry on but that shouldn’t be the case. I mean …When did the first question in dating become “is he, or she, slutty and single? And what chance do I have with someone like that?’ when did dating become a death trap? and what can we, as young people do to change that?

Enter the Nice Guy

So I am one of those people who has messed up when it comes to finding the good ones. From my experience, the nice guy is the wrong guy, but the bad boy breaks your heart. And while every girl wants the boy who treats her right, she too quickly falls for the one that talks right, walks right, etc. etc. etc.

So technically, I have “dated” a lot of bad boys, but I have also never been in a relationship… Confused? Me too – but here’s how I see it – when I say dating, I  don’t mean officially in a relationship, but if someone has asked me out a couple times (on dates) and I have gone on said dates, I can reasonably assume that we are dating… right? – at least that would make sense, but no, often the good guys are the ones who want to date and the bad boys are just the ones we are talking with. So why don’t we go for the good ones?

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The Good Guy is the One that Stays

He’s the one who sticks around at the end of the party to walk you home, he can seem like a dork because “people like him don’t exist” [except they do]. He’s the one you can count on and the one who will tell you how it is.

In essence, the good guy is the one you underestimate but after living with the stereotypical “good guy” for most of my life [ie. baby bro] the good guy is also the one that gets the most hurt.

SO WHY DONT THE GOOD GIRLS GO FOR THE GOOD GUYS ???

I honestly don’t know – maybe we’re stupid, maybe we’ve lost the trust, maybe we don’t see you, but in any event, I think when it comes to being “Slutty or Single – when it comes to the ‘Nice Guy’ and the Lack of a Middle Ground” the middle ground we’re actually looking for is the good guy! 

but what do you think mr. mrs. or etc interweb – where do you think the middle ground is – and what do ‘we – the people’ need to do to get our heads out of our a**** and find it?

 

An Open Letter to My ALMOST Ex

Dear…

I know we didn’t date. Maybe it felt more real for me than you. Maybe I wanted to convince myself I liked you because I liked the attention, or because I liked having something to talk about on girls nights out [sorry to the friends that listened and knew better]. Maybe I was sick of feeling like I was missing out on things I had never done.

I know we didn’t date. And I know it seems like I thought we did. Like I hung on your every word and waited for my phone to buzz hoping it would be you, but being horny and falling for someone are two different things, so don’t flatter yourself.

Truth is you were great. And I know we didn’t date – but if we did, I know you would have been good to me. I remember sweet moments with you away from your friends, moments you didn’t try to act macho, or push me too far. I remember times when I actually almost let myself fall for you over the feelings in my head, but you should know that it was only ever ALMOST.

Look… I know we didn’t date – but don’t think you’re special.  And honestly, the reason I get hung up is because I wasn’t the one who got to call it off. pexels-photo-1070970

I know we didn’t date. But you should know that you aren’t the first guy I knew was wrong and you wont be the last, so if that makes me crazy then yeah, I am. 

I know we didn’t date – and I know I might have been crazy at times – but you should know that all I’ve ever wanted was for someone to fight for me, and with your background, I’m not crazy to think you could.

I know we didn’t date – but was it a crime to get jealous? Was it a crime to call it off when I found out you had other girls in your room before you came over to mine. Was I wrong to not want to be another notch on your bed post? Another girl to get you off? Was I wrong to want more from myself and not just you? No.

I know we didn’t date. I know part of me wished we could have, but at least I knew from the beginning that you were wrong. That the red flags I ran past would allow me a trail back to the girl I was before I slept with you.

I know we didn’t date. and I know you think I am crazy, but at least I know now that your actual ex’s weren’t. Because I know we didn’t date, but if you talk about me behind my back like you do them, then the story you have warped in your head tells girls more about you than the stories you tell them.

So to my almost ex… Thank you… because I know we didn’t date – but what I learned from you, and you, and you, was something I should have learned the first time through. What I learned from you is that I should have known I deserved better, I should come first (in more than one way) and that red flags can’t always be the breadcrumbs that lead me home. but to my almost ex’s – thank you for telling someone else behind my back that were through. because truth be told, I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t made one or two mistakes with you.

bye…

and honestly thank you

 

 

Slutty or Single – the Lack of a Middle Ground pt1

The 22 Year Single Streak

I grew up in a cul-de-sac. By the time I was 14 I was watching romantic movies and teen dramas to get a gage for what my love life could be like [in theory.] And lacking any other point of reference than High School Musical and Desperate Housewives, I set my expectations high – fell for some people I barely knew, and wished that dating culture now was more like a romance noel rather than a Jersey Shore re-run.

at 22, I have never been in love, only in like – but even then, I worry about finding someone. but the worst part, is that people keep telling you you’ll get there, but they don’t know the side steps and shortcuts you’ve taken to feel something rather than nothing.

What I have found: Dating in 2018 is hard – but it is no one persons fault, it’s the system. In 2018 apps like tinder, bumble and coffee meets bagel make it easier for young people to expand their dating options, but are your options actually expanded if everyone is just playing a game? The epic gamification of swipe style dating culture has become a vastly hit or miss system that for me, has warped my idea of meeting that dream guy at a bar by chance.

The Process

Looking at my own love life [and maybe this applies to you too] I have used all of the apps above. I have tried to find dates on bumble but am often too confident to find a suitor. So what I have found is that often times the other party either is not interested in a date or doesn’t provide enough substance for me to know I can make it through that date [this is fine, it happens.] But then – Time passes, I get bored, I delete my account – then the cycle starts again.

For me, I have essentially been stuck in a talking phase for most of my adult life – and as for the men I meet at school or in my professional life, well those never really went how I wanted them to either. In short, at any point in my life, I can view myself as one of two things – Slutty, or Single, but what I constantly ask myself is… where is the middle ground?

The Rewind

Everyone has their own level of comfort when it comes to promiscuous behavior, mine has always been on the side of the lesser -o n the few occasions I have woken up in someone else’s bed, I walked home feeling like my skin was crawling away from my bones and like I couldn’t trust myself anymore – but the point I make, albeit archaic is that, for me, I never wanted the hook up culture, but occasionally made choices that I regretted.

So have I ever followed the traditional definition of a Slut? no, but the dirty feeling doesn’t seem to go away – and that is what scares me most.

The Present Tense

Status – single, and ready to mingle

At my current age and point in life, I would like to find someone, but like many people trust is an issue. For me it is about being comfortable with myself. Waking up with a smile, or a groan before work is all I need.

I guess what I am trying to say is that right now I am looking for balance, and if someone wants to meet me half way, well then he is more than welcome to meet me in the middle.