JustRachel

Life after life

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Graduating college comes with a personal loss. While there is an excitement to graduating, many of us mourn the transition into the new life we are meant to live.

So how do we survive life after life? How do we transition from the life we know into the life we were meant to live.

Until recently I didn’t understand why people live at home after they graduate. Other than the practicality and genius of saving money rather than jumping into the real world – living at home seems to present a kind of common comfort as we (as adults) transition into our new lives.

But while many move home, I cannot speak to that experience. For me, when I graduated, my survival was dependent on diving into a new reality… and by that I mean that I coped by maintaining a sense of comfort and similarity. For me I didn’t go “home” but I clung to the new home that I had made for myself.

After graduating undergrad chose to go back to school. This was my survival technique. I picked up grad classes at the place I had gone to undergrad, stayed on the Track team for one more year and clung to every ounce of sameness that I could.

Let me set the record straight – surviving life (post grad) isn’t easy, but if it was it wouldn’t be worth it.

After graduating grad school last May I crashed a little but luckily I found new life in Maine “in the pines” where I was able to find myself again and build enough confidence to get a new job and move back to my home in Massachusetts.

Now I have a great job, some solid friends and a new outlook on adulting.

For me, surviving post grad has been a whirlwind, and for you it will be different. It won’t be easy, it will be expensive, and at times you will lose sight of who you thought you were – but that is exactly what life after life is all about.

Moral of the story – I can’t give you the perfect answer on “how to survive life” not after college, not through the winter, and not after a bad breakup. But what I can do – I can tell you that you will make it and that it will be worth it. So for now – don’t worry, enjoy the moment, and strive to be nothing less than you.

JustRachel

Post grad grumpies

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At 23 I have already perfected the art of settling. I have a good job, good friends, money in the bank and food in the cupboard. I have some stuff I don’t need and almost all the things I do.

From the outside looking in some might be jealous, some would criticize my apparent lack of gratitude, and others would chose not to care. From the outside looking in you would assume I’m happy – and I should be – but I’m not.

But why?

Well, Im quickly realizing that the problem with having a good job at 23 is that both ourselves and the world assume that we should be grateful. But if you know you deserve more out of life a good job can feel a lot more like a bad boyfriend (partner). Where you know the relationship is toxic but you’re grateful for the opportunity to be valued and loved. And isn’t that exactly what settling is? Being grateful but knowing that something isn’t right?

At this point in my life I can’t say I pushed for many of the opportunities that have come my way. And it isn’t that I haven’t worked hard on this that or the other, but at the same time 9/10 times I didn’t ask to end up where I am – I just shrugged and said yes. And until recently I’ve come to think that this was normal. That, this is how we adult, this is how we grow up. But it’s not is it?

To break it down: a post grad perspective of what I assumed life after college and grad school was supposed to look like…

We find a job, count ourselves lucky, take it graciously, settle in to daily routines and then, like an arranged marriage we expect and hope that we will fall in love with what we do. (This situation more often applies to people who don’t know exactly what they want to do out of school or don’t end up working somewhere like Disney or Google or Pinterest or what have you) And for a lot of people, or at least the ones I follow, the jobs they have found after graduating have seemed to click. These people for whatever reason seem (externally at least) happy. And of course, maybe this isn’t true or maybe it is – but on behalf of those who are struggling to love what we do and those looking at their job like a relationship they’ve settled into – I don’t think that this is what life is meant to be about.

So yeah, at 23 I’ve all but perfected the art of settling – or at least it feels that way. And for a lot of things and a lot of reasons I should be grateful and I should count myself lucky. But I guess the problem with that is that when you know you deserve better and when you know you can be so much more – the post grad gratefuls can feel a lot more like post grad grumpies and for me, that’s not something I ever dreamed of doing.

JustRachel

That Chic’s A… Beast of a Mother (Bam!)

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Today I want to start a new phrase. Not like DUFF or MILF or DILF – but something along the lines of “Mother of Dragons” or “Khaleesi”.

I want to start something that completely encapsulates what it is like to be the most Momish Mom in your friend group. To be the one that pulls bandaids out of her bra strap and has a purse like Mary God Damn Poppins – to be the one who, male or female your uterus (gut) is literally screaming so damn loud to have kids that it comes out as an energy entirely unlike anything anyone has ever seen.

And Yes, I am talking about the one person who is always prepared and the one person who, despite being trashed, tired or sick and on your death bed you can still manage to – on command – negotiate four other completely obliterated morons out of an invisible maze while holding back two girls hair, making sure the third doesn’t break an ankle on top of that heel she totaled and keeping an eye on the fourth who is running away screaming “I DON’T NEED HELP!” (but spoiler alert… she so does)

In my friend group we say that this person has “Big Wife Energy”, we call her Becky – but I don’t think that captures the full meaning of being the one true “Mother of Morons” or a Beast of a Mother – a BAM if you will. Yeah – shes a BAM!

So what qualifies someone as a true Beast of a Mother? Well Buzzfeed obviously has its answers, but for me and for my friend group, BAM’s come in many shapes and sizes.

You have the:

  • Bad Mom BAM, the one who gets wine drunk on a tuesday.
  • The Dad BAM who protects you and threatens ill fitting suitors.
  • The Becky BAM, who, as I said is our friend groups first and foremost expert on BAM lifestyle.
  • The Casual BAM – the one who comes out when his/her children have scrapes bruises or heart ache.

and depending on your personal BAM style, the list goes on and on.

But at the end of the day these men and women deserve to be recognized and praised for all that they do for us.

So here are to the beasts. The baddies. And of course, the BAMs – long may you reign.

JustRachel

Back at it again with Employment, Enjoyment and Adulting

Hey guys, gals and the gender non-binary! I’m officially back and bloggier than ever!

So first off, I want to start off this blog by apologizing. While I know y’all are not dependent on our content by any means, I hope you have missed our wit and candor over these past few months in hiding.

So what happened? Well let me tell you! I have spent the last four months off the grid and keeping my thoughts to myself. Does this mean I haven’t been adulting? No. But also, kinda. See the past few months have been a whirlwind of emotion and self discovery where I have worked seemingly odd jobs, met amazing people, and now, finally, arrived at a place where I am back at it again and ready to share my story with you all.

So here it goes …

As many of you know seven months ago I was let go of my job – but what you don’t know is that four months or so ago, after finishing my degree, I decided to take a hiatus. (As if leaving the working world for three months to finish my education wasn’t already technically a hiatus – but I digress)

I left my life and almost all that came with it to spend the summer in Maine, on the lake I hold most dear. This was both a beneficial and toxic decision based on the fallout of my actions leading up to and following my move to Maine, but overall I stand by my decision and am happy that I did what I did.

Anyway, There I spent three months working at this wonderful and quirky place called Quisisanna. Quisisana is, essentially, a highly recognized yet equally discrete woodland local, where families may and do chose to return every year for a weeklong stay among the pines and the musically inclined. There I laughed, I cried (because of all the onions I had to chop) and I reveled in the beauty of off grid life.

But now I am back, I am employed and I am ready to start back up with all my awkward and all my adulting.

So what does this new life entail? Well it essentially consists of me turning my world upside down.

Since moving back from Maine I have moved into a new apartment, started a new job, decided NOT to further run away from my life by moving to China to teach English (a job I was offered but chose to decline after starting at fidelity where I am now) and now I’m just in this place where I’m trying to figure it all out in the simplest ways possible before I either go or drive myself crazy.

So now that we’re all caught up, what comes next?

Next up and coming soon are more blogs about what it’s like to take time off, to move into a new space alone, to commute a ridiculous amount of time per week so that I can stay close to my grounding forces here in Mass, finances and how to manage them (ish) and pretty much anything else associated with this new form of adulting that I fell into.

In other words, this is about to be a busy couple of months and I am so excited to be back at it again and sharing it all with you.

JustRachel

Why you should never date the guy who comes to you with other girl drama

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Mom never warned you about him. The home grown, grass fed, US of A home town hero. He was raised on the Sandlot, on mallo’s and grahams – he’s the guy next-door, brought up on good ol’ fashioned values and he can’t catch a break with women but he really likes you. Sound familiar?

He’s the one that calls you about all the other girls, spends nights sitting with you talking about how awful girls can be, as if you after surviving high school and middle school knew nothing about how girls could be.

You sympathize, and he likes that. But then he takes kindness for infatuation and before you know it he takes a swing and aims for the outfield expecting you to catch his heart on the pop fly.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with this. With guys trusting girl friends, with guys being vulnerable and opening up – in fact that should be encouraged more, but it is the tone they use that defines the relationship that will follow.

He isn’t Friendzoned but he’s headed that way

Until this point you’ve always been that friend, that girl, that “DUFF” of sorts that agrees with him, that hypes him up and gives him the confidence he needs. But when he asks you out… well.

Alright ladies, I know you have all been there. You all have that hopeless romantic guy friend who – despite seeming like one of the nicest humans out there can’t seem to catch a break when it comes to the ladies. I have at least 5 in my life at any time. But – then you take the leap, you go out, and… yeeeeahhh.

Enter – the Friendzone

First dates don’t always work out. If they did a lot more of us would be madly in love and a lot more trusting of our emotions. But they often head more toward the friend zone than the romantic zone.

Don’t date this one

Truth is, I have spent years going for the ones that go for me like a shark in bloodied water. But none of the relationships work out. At the end of the day you can’t date the ones that complain about other girls. Date the one who talks fondly of others and be the person they talk fondly about.

At the end of the day it isn’t about what they gave you, how much the dinner cost or how or if it ended. It’s about the experience. So go after the ones that experience life. Not the ones who dwell on its shortcomings.

Uncategorized

Where Do We Go Back To?

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“Why don’t they go back and help fix the totally broken and crime-infested places from which they came.”. Or put more simply, “send them back” and “go back to your own country”.

It’s a rhetoric that’s dangerous, poisonous, toxic, and has infested everyday society. Day after the day, the gap widens between people of different viewpoints about topics such as immigration, health care, and essential policy. There’s a sense of “us vs them” in the air that we breathe and the actions that we take.

This one hits a little bit harder to home. As a first-generation Vietnamese-American, this rhetoric is something that I’ve experienced multiple times in my life. I’m sure similar to many children with immigrant parents, a focus on English is created in the household and a loss of the foreign language and culture is embedded into the minds of youths since childhood. Yet this results in a strange predicament, the children of immigrants have been “whitewashed” by American society and can’t ever fit back into the cultures in which their parents came from, but yet they’re “too ethnic” for the American society that refuses to accept them.

Many of these immigrants have citizenship and the cause for their ancestors no longer residing in their country of ethnicity varies; there’s economic problems, war, famine, among many others. For most, it’s the pursuit of the American dream that drives people to come to the land of opportunity. Think about it for a second, what push would you need in order to leave everything you’ve ever known and loved, to be forced to learn another language, adapt to a new culture, and struggle through all the growing pains these changes come with. Our nation’s history with immigrants has been mixed, while we pride ourselves for being a country of diversity, one unlike what anywhere else in the world has to offer, we often marginalize and criminalize those who differ from the norm.  At first it was the WASP (White Anglo-Saxan Protestants) in power, using their power to create advertisements and rhetoric such as “Irish need not apply”, this then shifts to the Japanese-American internment camps, and now current day, the rise of domestic terrorism in correlation to immigration, but via homegrown terrorism against said immigrants. You can read more about that here.

Throughout my time in college, and even post, I’ve been deeply entwined with the concepts of immigration, migration, refugees, and the concepts of life in America as someone who seemingly represents everything that the nation stands to represent. A fresh start, an ability to use your talents and gifts to contribute to this harmonious society where all cultures blend, mix, and fuse to create what we call America. Must we forget our heritage and how our nation started out? We were founded by people who stood for religious freedom, people who were segregated for various reasons found a place of asylum, this pinnacle of freedom. There’s a certain sense of blissful and selective ignorance that comes from this, with chants and claims of sending people back while standing on grounds which were not originally ours.

This land is your land, this land is my land. As a proud American citizen, I want to use this right to speak up about these injustices, not because I dislike this country, but because I want to make it better. To create policy, to create a more inclusive America, and exercise my right to freedom of speech. We can simultaneously love something and also have the ability to critique and want to make it better. After all, isn’t that the true American way?

 

The Global Citizen, Uncategorized

The Selective Perception of Patriotism

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I know this post arrives a tad late after July 4th, and it would’ve been just a little bit more powerful if it came out the day of, but there’s a lot I want to get off my chest about our concept of patriotism and how it needs to be a tad more nuanced than it currently is. Let me explain.

Patriotism is a concept that I think about pretty often, as defined by Merriam-Webster dictionary, it means “the quality of being patriotic; devotion to and vigorous support for one’s country”. Yet in modern day society, there’s lack of room for nuance in our arguments. We see patriotism in action everyday, with traditional examples being wearing the classic old navy American flag shirt while we shoot fireworks up in the sky, snacking on BBQ foods and tossing a football in the backyard. Other definitions of patriotism exist as well, can we support our country while stating that there are things wrong with it that should change? Recent examples of this being movements such as Black Lives Matter, that has been quickly countered by Blue Lives Matter. The concept of kneeling for the anthem has been challenged recently, and a battle over free speech and hate speech has recently taken the media by storm. On Twitter (arguably the most vocal social media of our age), we see people like Megan Rapinoe, Colin Kaepernick, and even Qasim Rahid be given an incredible voice, and at times they are quickly shut down.

What I define as selective perception is the process where people choose to omit certain aspects of an argument or viewpoint based on their own prior biases or beliefs. This happens on both sides of the political spectrum. One can be pro black lives matter and blue lives matter. A person can be morally pro-life, yet vote pro-choice. The world and our beliefs are not black and white. The ideology of selective perception, in my opinion, stems from the rise of identity politics. It’s seeped into our culture and at times, it feels as if we no longer have a sense of tolerance or patience for the other side of the aisle. Of all places, we see this on Tinder profiles in the form of “don’t swipe if you’re a snowflake” or “swipe left if you voted for Trump”. Part of a debate and a discussion is to realize where we disagree and find the common ground on which we stand upon. A nation known as the United States seems to be ununited and splitting at the seams.

Why does this matter? In modern events, we view things on a black or white spectrum. The media, our own bubbles that we have created don’t allow for debate and discussion, but a “you are wrong, and I am right” mentality. The very idea and concept of patriotism has become subjective. We arrive at difficult questions that even though precedence has decided these before, we treat them on a case by case basis depending on our political ideology. Should Colin Kaepernick and Megan Rapinoe’s free speech be allowed? Then why not someone like Alex Jones or Tomi Lahren? On one hand, the athletes are representing their right to assembly and right to free speech, yet they are disrespecting the flag in the eyes of a few. Alex Jones and Tomi Lahren are also using their right to use media how they wish and display their thoughts in a public forum. The difference here lies in the aftermath; if someone’s speech incites violence or hatred, at that point is it still patriotism? These questions are tough, and at times don’t have a perfect answer. Maybe this writing piece doesn’t bring us anywhere closer. But at the very least, we should open our ears and listen to each other. We have more in common with each other than we believe, after all, we all love our country, just in different ways.

Brina’s Babbles

Service and Self-Care

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Love more, stress less!

Through my national service, I’ve learned that service is more than the day-to-day of what your site asks for. Service is building relationships, increasing morale, and creating a legacy; it’s  learning more about yourself.

(Picture from healthpsychtam.com)

As AmeriCorps Leaders, we try our best to make the most positive impact on our host sites and on the people we serve through them. We spend time training and learning how to provide for our communities but it’s important to not let ourselves get burnt out.
At my site, the faculty and staff periodically host socials where we can check in with one another and try to have a sense of humor when construction at school gets disruptive. Just the other day, the Missoula Alliance Church came to one of these socials and gave us all free lattes to help keep our energy levels up as we engage with middle schoolers. It’s the little things that help us ground ourselves amidst hectic times. 
Other than free lattes, I have a few tactics I use to assist me in maintaining my mental health:

1. Practicing gratitude and meditation: This has aided me in my ability to help myself when I’m alone at my site. Breaths are like little love notes to your body so letting yourself breathe is a good start to your self-care routine. The same goes for gratitude, reminding yourself why you are here, how you got here, and what good you have in your life can make a bad day more manageable. There is so much to be grateful for!

2. If you are an outdoorsy person like me, hiking can create healing: I go on hikes when I’m not serving to help me relax. Hiking allows me to exercise, access more companionship, and take in good ole’ Vitamin D. It provides a space where I can just let nature nurture me.

3. Write down what you feel: In AmeriCorps (especially as leaders) we are encouraged to journal about our experiences. This can be quite cathartic. It gets our thoughts and our struggles out of our heads and onto paper making everything much more manageable.

4. Reach out: You are never alone so please don’t be afraid to reach out to those around you in an appropriate manner (do have boundaries for yourself and respect people’s limits). It can be hard to start service and not have a big social circle right away. I’ve found that joining MeetUp groups and talking to other leaders can be great ways to start building friendships.

5. Remember, everyone is different: It’s okay if none of these techniques work for you, just remember that your mental health matters! Not only is it incredibly challenging to help others without helping yourself, but your physical health can actually start to deteriorate when your mental health is poor. Stress weakens your immune system, so finding ways to achieve both basic and luxurious self-care is super vital for your service work and personal life.
Think of fulfilling your needs like a pie:
Each time you eat one piece of it (or fulfill one part of it), you get to have another piece. Needs-fulfillment pie is possibly even better than regular pie (stay with me here) because when you finish it, you feel rejuvenated instead of lethargic and too full to move. In my experience, as long as you have a balance with your service work and your self-improvement work, you’ll never be too full; rather, whole.
Here are some resources that have helped me and maybe they can help you! I’m mental health first aid certified and I want share things I actually use/listen to/read regularly:
●       https://medium.com/@goodaker.d/the-power-of-a-personal-mantra-and-how-to-write-your-own-46a5531ec8aa
●       https://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/how-to-practice-authentic-self-care/
●       https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/my-brothers-keeper/201709/be-the-mountain-guided-meditation-video-script
●       https://ggia.berkeley.edu/practice/body_scan_meditation
●       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jPpUNAFHgxM
●       https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYnA9wWFHLI&t=3500s
And as always call: 1-800-273-8255 or text 741741, and look up resources in your area with this link: https://twloha.com/find-help/. You are loved, valued, and never alone. I hope this article helps you or someone 

PS. I originally posted this on Montana Campus Compact’s website and it helped a lot of people so I thought that it would be fitting for my first post here !!

JustRachel

Confessions of an ADHD 20 something

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Sometimes my head scares me. Nights alone and nights bored, my worst enemy. I guess the problem with not being able to stop means that when I do, well, let’s just say I am an object in motion and I need to stay that way.

Lately I’ve been staying up too late. My body hasn’t gotten used to it yet – it hasn’t kicked the old lady syndrome aside but on slow nights I now feel this sense that something is missing.

I’m not depressed. I’m pensive

I’m not indifferent but being happy is strange.

I’m not myself and yet – the past couple weeks I’ve exuded a confidence that I didn’t know I had.

And I hate all of it.

Lately I’ve felt unbalanced, I’ve felt like I’ve been too adult and yet too childish. And I’m neither here nor there but I understand it. The restlessness.

So these are my confessions.

1. I’m not overly or underly confident

It’s a rouse I put up to make people think I have my shit together.

2. I’m not fearless

Not in the job search. Not in life. In fact I’m scared of a lot of things and while dying isn’t one of them, truly living is. Because it’s daunting to think that there is a right or wrong way to “life”

3. I’m not as aggressive as the one Interviewer thought I was

I’m kinda like a small dog. I’ve got a big bark but I wouldn’t hurt a fly.

4. I care too much.

About work. About friends. About living life the “right way” or doing the “right thing”. I care a lot. I care too much.

5. I’m 23 and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

Truth is, I’m not restless because I have something planned. Truth is, I’m restless and reckless because I have nothing planned. I have no idea what my future holds. If it includes the two degrees I’ve garnished myself with. Truth is – I don’t have a clue.

And it terrifies me.

Kevin at a Desk

What i Learned in Year One

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Its been almost a month since i ended my first year at my first job Finally working the job that i dreamed about during those late night capstone revisions and early morning red-bull fueled walks to my assistantships. Its hard to believe that i made it here and there are still days where i look on my door and see my name with a masters degree. For those of the readers who don’t know, i am a Residence Hall director, i work as a advisor for a residence hall and have the duties of keeping students safe while also developing them to become better humans. Its been a fast paced couple of months with too many lessons to count. However finally i have the time to process it all.

Now that the summer months are upon me and i finally have time to reflect and start to develop some sort of standards and operating guidelines, or my handbook so to speak i try to write to this page what i believe i have learned and stuck with me for next year. This isn’t a manual that is meant to be published or one that many will follow because, well, its not for them. I write about this to make a digital testament to myself of how far i have come since starting this job. Its sometimes hard to write a list like this, because some of life’s lessons you have learned you want to share with the world and others you want to lock the secrets of success away so you don’t let it go and let anyone else find out. However, i don’t think these are secrets to most, but to me they are new discoveries of myself and my role.

The Things i learned in Year One:

  1. You’re gonna make some dumb mistakes, but it shows you’re human, use it to connect.
  2. Imposter syndrome is fucking legit, but its also a trap, you’re meant to be right where you are.
  3. Don’t compare yourself to your mentors, they were there developing how you could do something, now you have to find your own way to answer everything.
  4. Even when you mess up, it wont change people’s view of how you get your shit done.
  5. Ask a lot of questions instead of sitting around. When you learn you plan, when you plan you know what to do. You’re young in this field might as well take everything and filter it as you go.
  6. Don’t forget about your friends, even with a full time job you should take time to see them, they miss you.
  7. Have patience with stupidity, they may never get smarter but its better than you getting dumber in the process
  8. DON’T EAT AT THE SAME 2 RESTAURANTS, YOU’RE GONNA GET FAT (Unless you work out, then go ahead)
  9. Sometimes you need to put your head down, do your job and go home. Other days, make sure you pick up your head, you might miss something.
  10. You’re gonna have days where the soul and flesh aren’t willing. All you can do is sit, process it whether that is yelling on a car ride in the night or taking a smoke break. Then pick yourself out of the dirt and get on with the day.
  11. Don’t let yourself get personally involved in a conduct case, it clouds your judgement.
  12. Anger gets you no where, be kind but don’t let anyone get in your fucking way.
  13. Remember when you play the game of politics you either win or you make bad enemies
  14. Just remember the ” little people” will be your best foundation and best resources. Keep them on your hip
  15. Support your co workers, they are your only entertainment and its better to not piss them off.
  16. Trust your staff, they trust you and they want that reciprocated.
  17. Stop acting old and talking about experience you had, this isnt story time
  18. The golden rule still goes a long way even when you are 24.
  19. Theory is nice and all but youre gonna make something up on the fly to explain the impossible.
  20. You are only human, and there will be dark days ahead but you can be super human on multiple occasions.
  21. Dont take it personal when a staff member quits, it was never on you and they dont blame you for leaving. Just be supportive.
  22. Enjoy the job, this is what you dreamed about in classes and capstone. As the saying goes, Drive it like you stole it.
  23. They look up to you, even when you are upset they look up to you, take up the mantle and be the leader they need you to be
  24. Dont drink redbull until you are on duty.
  25. Be the RD you know you can be, fun but stern. Dedicated but direct, hard nosed but understanding.

Its a job i take great pride in; i can not thank those who gave me a chance to prove myself in this field. I can’t wait to continue to learn and add to this list with a redux next year about what i learned in year two.

Higher Thoughts, The Life and Times, Top Stories, Uncategorized

For All of Us We Must Not Forget

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alley architecture building city
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

For those who had traumatizing pasts, embarrassing pasts, disappointing pasts, shameful pasts, for those who are not lucky enough to remember your pasts due to illness or harm, and for those who are no longer here on this earth to do so either, this is for all of us!

Its okay to not talk about the past but its not okay to forget about it and act like that part of your life didn’t exist. Some pasts can be scary, uneasy, even traumatizing, so its completely okay to not want to talk about them but what is not okay is erasing them, forgetting about them, acting as if moments did not happen. The pain they brought has happened, an outcome came of it, but you made it to this point. The point where you get to stand here and say “THAT moment happened, THAT pain was endured, THAT was THAT”. Call it tough love but something most need to hear and others need to view from a different perspective. 

I’m not going to sit here and say cliché things like “the past is what made us to what we are today” and yes while that holds a good amount of value I feel as if saying that quote makes pasts always seem so bad. That being said yes some peoples are but there are also people who’s pasts were not bad. And to be quite honest I wish we could see more positive pasts without people calling them privileged or lucky! I am sorry that some people had such horrible pasts that have made you incapable of not being happy for others who did not! What people need to realize is be lucky your here to remember a past, to be able to be here and to have grown from a past, some souls out there never got that chance for a past.

But no matter what your past WAS, if it was something painful you were put through or if you were the person inflicting pain and hurt on others; it does not matter. This isn’t to discredit or devalue some peoples traumatizing pasts, its for people to know that its okay to not talk about things you did not like or make you feel a negative way; but we must never forget them. Lessons were taught and events occurred that pushed you to where you are now (some might not be at a good place right now but give it time). So please stop thinking its okay to forgive and forget, that nothing good can come from remembering the hard moments, when in fact someones everything now came from those moments. Our past has everything to do with our present and future. Think about it- if we only talked about whats ahead never wanting to recognize what happened how would we know what to reflect off of?

You don’t have to talk about your past, you don’t have to think about it all the time either but we must not forget. We are lucky enough to get the chance to reflect and remember!

JustRachel

I Spent 2 months with a Tinder and this is What I Learned.

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Preface

This is not another article about fuck-bois or how dating culture is horrible or how me doing something completely out of my wheel house made me a better person… or is it…?

From the Deep End to the Kiddie Pool

Diving into the dating pool isn’t easy. The water is cold, the men and women are unclear and I’m pretty sure the guy who has a kid let that child go and crap in the deep-end, not that it’s anyone’s fault.

When it comes to 21st century electronic dating there is no shortage of eligible bachelors or bachelorettes, but 9/10 people aren’t actually on dating apps to date. They’re there to hook-up. 

Today the a thick cloud of stigma surrounding dating culture as a whole isn’t really fair to either end of the waters. Both males and females get subjected to unrealistic expectations and high cost scenarios.

Guys (Men) are labeled crass, rude and man whorish and women are labeled as sluts, whores, or even prudes if they prefer not to do “as other girls do,” and the problem with all of it is that we quickly lose sight of who we are when our sexual desires create a non humanistic profile to “sell” ourselves as non-sexual and sexual human beings because we have to make our profiles “sell”.

The Dating App Experience

For those of you who (May or may not be using apps such as tinder) have used dating  apps. You know as well as I that it is anything but a dating app.

Based on my own morals,  I have unmatched with about a dozen guys just this week for  rude messages about my behind or what they would like to put in it (essentially messages that would have  killed a nun and made their moms wash their minds out with soap).

See when it comes to online dating, I am too busy for bars, to anxious for sketchy meet ups, and I am just simply not looking to hookup and leave. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to find love.

Maybe I’m in the wrong place and I’m certainly in the wrong time, but why is it so much to ask that we be sexy and respected no matter the platform?  Is it so much to ask that we believe in this possibility for love, but moreover, and through this trial I had to ask – do I believe in this kind of love?

My answer:

Yeah? 

I mean the hopeless romantic in me does. The girl who meets that ‘once in a blue moon’ guy does. The girl who is told that her strength is sexy and not in a sexual way does, but the rest of me… the rest of me isn’t sure.

Tinder For Females

At the end of the day I can’t speak for the boys- and I can’t hate on the bois but tinder for women is an experience. (Take that as you will.)

For myself Tinder was about swiping right in the right ways but based on interactions I have had, the same can definitely NOT be said for all women who use the app. 

When it comes to tinder there are five types of guys, the too forward to even see where you’re at, the ‘I lift and I drink beer’ guy, the once in a blue moon sweet – I want to meet you type, the I have a girlfriend but were ‘on a break (or “we’re looking for a threesome”), and then there is the guy who can’t catch a break who tries to be all of the above and reminds me that I am just not cut out for this online dating scheme.

Each of the guys above has their own motive… but for some it is worse than others. For example one guy I recently matched with is an old classmate – but he was also this guy that I always thought he was cute… then he opened his mouth. “I am still only looking to F***” and while he has said this in the past I was naïve enough to believe that the year that has passed since we last spoke was enough for him to change his tune… it wasn’t. And while I have no issue with what he wants, I for one know that I deserve better and ladies –

YOU DO TOO

What Tinder Taught Me

The one thing I love about Tinder is that it allows me control in the conversation. Unlike manual style dating where a guy approaches you to ask you out – many men… and yes, women, can feel less of a sting from being denied online. With Tinder, you don’t feel the rejection, if they don’t swipe then you don’t know. It seems to be a simple lack of emotions in this equation.

But at the same time…

The thing I hate most about Tinder is that it allows us to hide.

With Tinder, I can hide behind a keyboard, I can say – “yes I love sushi. No I hate beer, but I love a good IPA.” I can say – “yes I speak fluent Spanish, while tripping over conjugation and the occasional google translate without dying of embarrassment.

Online I can be a dozen versions of myself, but by the time the day is done, I have gone through 12 conversations and made no progress whatsoever.

So what did it all teach me?

It taught me that – tinder is against my moral code. It taught me that its not for me, I’m not a tinder profile but I am a human looking for a lackluster thing called love. Hook-up requests and peach emojis, yeah that isn’t my language and that I really hate trying to speak Spanish to impress someone… even if I did it in Italy.

It taught me that – I am not cut out for online dating and that sorry boys… but if you don’t want me for me – swipe left.

 

We’re all just Awkward n' Adulting.