Sometimes my head scares me. Nights alone and nights bored, my worst enemy. I guess the problem with not being able to stop means that when I do, well, let’s just say I am an object in motion and I need to stay that way.
Lately I’ve been staying up too late. My body hasn’t gotten used to it yet – it hasn’t kicked the old lady syndrome aside but on slow nights I now feel this sense that something is missing.
I’m not depressed. I’m pensive
I’m not indifferent but being happy is strange.
I’m not myself and yet – the past couple weeks I’ve exuded a confidence that I didn’t know I had.
And I hate all of it.
Lately I’ve felt unbalanced, I’ve felt like I’ve been too adult and yet too childish. And I’m neither here nor there but I understand it. The restlessness.
So these are my confessions.
1. I’m not overly or underly confident
It’s a rouse I put up to make people think I have my shit together.
2. I’m not fearless
Not in the job search. Not in life. In fact I’m scared of a lot of things and while dying isn’t one of them, truly living is. Because it’s daunting to think that there is a right or wrong way to “life”
3. I’m not as aggressive as the one Interviewer thought I was
I’m kinda like a small dog. I’ve got a big bark but I wouldn’t hurt a fly.
4. I care too much.
About work. About friends. About living life the “right way” or doing the “right thing”. I care a lot. I care too much.
5. I’m 23 and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.
Truth is, I’m not restless because I have something planned. Truth is, I’m restless and reckless because I have nothing planned. I have no idea what my future holds. If it includes the two degrees I’ve garnished myself with. Truth is – I don’t have a clue.
And it terrifies me.