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Just Post Grad Things, JustRachel

First. Forgotten. Forgiven

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They say you never forget your first 

and while that may be a blanket statement, whoever “they” are… 

well, I guess they kind of know what they’re talking about.

First and Foremost (a list)

Your first pet – The one you sang to when she cried, when she was hurt or scared – she was your world, and she loved Spanish lullabies and having her die in your arms was one of the most painful feelings in the world.

Your first dance – with that weird boy from gym class or the family friend that took pity on you because your mom or his mom told them to ask you to dance.

The first person to give you flowers – my mom, I was 16, it was my birthday and no one could have orchestrated it better.

The first one you let get away – probably the best for all involved in that one.

your first kiss – mine had red hair, the whole faculty saw, and oddly enough it was and still is the best kiss I’ve ever had – or at the very least it makes top five.

Your first date – we saw iron man 3, he wore a blue v neck and we finished the night on my porch after having ice cream that he had kept in a cooler in his car (beyond romantic) and he didn’t kiss me that night but part of me wishes he did.

Your first love – I was in the first grade, his name was Logan (like Lerman or Hugh Jackman when he played Wolverine in X-Men) and he wasn’t out of my league by any means but boy did I think he was. None the less it was unrequited and vastly problematic.

Your first car – Kia Sol, Green exterior (yes really), name : Martin the Martian

Your first lover – the one you still think about but wish you didn’t.

Your first home – or apartment but either way you were paying rent for that dinky old place.

Your first job – camp. Duh.

And the list goes on and on because we measure our lives and histories in the memories of doing things for the first time. And because no one gets credit for doing something second.

but there is a pitfall to expecting every first to be great – to grabbing memories from a bag of “firsts” and comparing them to everything else

And it is the pitfall that I personally have a problem with – it’s the idea that we are or are not supposed to experience things based on the number of times it has been done. I mean think about it.

  • birthdays – the FIRST day of that new year, where you are also celebrating the FIRST day you were on earth… because comparatively, conception day is irrelevant, first heartbeat day no one has pictures from and when you finally looked like a gourd in the womb rather than an avocado – well… you get the point.
  • relationships – we remember the first because it had the most impact – but then we still carry it with us through the best relationships, unable to release that point of reference.
  • school – we celebrate first days, but what about every other day you worked and suffered and toiled through to get that first diploma? 

and look i am not saying we need to forget firsts – but we could try forgiving ourselves for all the seconds and thirds we take for granted. 

  • the second bite of cake and the fifteenth you probably shouldn’t have pushed for. 
  • the second day in a row you made it to the gym.
  • the second promotion that lead to your first fire and ultimately got you to your dream job. 
  • the second love – whether it was a person or a passion, the one you forgot after the fourth broke your heart and the fifth who proposed. 

The point of it all is that everything that comes after that first – no matter how much the first taught you – is just as important. And at the end of the day, I will always remember my firsts, my first pet, my first love, my first kiss – but I will also remember that the first wasn’t the thing that made me who I am today, but everything and every day in between was – and that my friends, has made all the difference.

Just Post Grad Things, JustRachel

NaNoWriMo and the Realization Why I Have Never Finished a Book

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At any given time I am both – the most trustworthy person you will ever meet and the one person who can’t keep her mouth shut or her nose out of it. Call it the writer in me – but in other words, I always have a story to tell, and I am always willing to tell it – but at the same time – if you ask me to say nothing, I will. With one exception – my rules of speech follow those of a therapist. I will not say a word – UNLESS you are a harm to yourself or others. [and I find this to be a fair clause]

But, my friends, I do not come to you today because I have a secret to tell – or a story, but rather to say that I have a secret that I cannot tell. A new project that will take up my free time until the month of November has met its end.

This month, like in the past I am participating in National Novel Writing Month or NaNoWriMo for short. In this, I will attempt to finally finish a book or – at the very least- a draft, in 31 days. In other words, I have 31 days to write 50,000 words – and I am only 11,000 in on day 8 – aka – I am already behind…

So at this point, you may be thinking one of three things:

  1. Rachel, why do I care?
  2. Why are you wasting your word count time on this blog (not a waste)
  3. Get to the point

well to #1 I say – if you’re a writer, a reader or a friend, you love me so shut up – #2 it is not a waste because I have some advice to share that will be seen below – and #3 here it is

The other day I got a piece of Nano Mail and while I never read my messages on there, I decided to change habits. To my most pleasant surprise, there was this quote among the advice and it is something that has both intrigued me and shown me that I need to change the way I treat myself, my dreams and my writing. It read :

Resist the urge to tell friends and family your story. I know it’s hard because you want to talk about it and they’re (sometimes) interested in hearing about it. But writers have a dirty little secret: We are mainly motivated by our desire for people to experience our stories. We want an audience. We need it.

Telling your story to friends verbally satisfies that need for an audience, and it diminishes your motivation to actually write it. So make a rule: The only way for anyone to ever hear about your stories is to read them. You can still give it to them chapter by chapter—so you get the sweet, sweet external validation that you crave during the process. But no telling the story outside the pages. – Andy Weir

The above quote has since inspired me to do something I rarely do with my writing, keep my mouth shut.

I realized that in telling people my stories all these years I have eliminated the need to write it down. Which explained why – despite my only goal in life since sophomore year of high school (other than finding the love of my life because media is a sham that has conned me into thinking my life is a rom com) was publishing the next great American novel. Or at the very least – the next great Rachel Novel.

Anyway – I know I lost my flow but to all you writers out there, I hope this helps and I hope you don’t lose your story. Right now I don’t have time to make the blog pretty but I do have a book to write!

We’ve got 23 days left in this year’s challenge so let’s go for the gold!

 

Capturesage
a sneak peek at the front cover to be

Relationships

Dear Teenagers, ‘Adults’ and Americans

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This post contains content relating to sexual assault – the contents of this post are not graphic but may trigger some readers due to its stance. If you or someone you know has been affected or impacted by sexual assault call the National Assult Help Line at 1-800-656-4673 or go to Womenshealth.gov for help.

An aside: this post was inspired by multiple conversations I have seen on social media today. It features content that is heated and inspired by events that this writer has both seen and experienced.

That being said, if you see a friend who is struggling or in need, reach out. Talk to them and help them in any way you can.

As a young female, some of my writings blame males for events I have encountered but the fact of the matter is that men are not entirely to blame. While reported assaults suggest that more females are assaulted than males – there is also a population of males who are affected. As much as we want to genderize this issue – It is also important to recognize that we as people, as a society, and as human beings need to make a move to change the status quo and take claims of assault seriously.

The current administration in the United States is not doing a good job when it comes to protecting our young women – there should be a shrinking number of girls who say #metoo but instead, it continues to grow. If you or someone else is in need call the National Assult Help Line at 1-800-656-4673 or go to Womenshealth.gov

and know that you are not alone.

Continue reading Dear Teenagers, ‘Adults’ and Americans →

Higher Thoughts, The Life and Times

All I want is Happiness

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I used to think I had life all figured out, then I realized I’m only 21! I used to think all I needed to do was go to school, get my degree, them BAM I’d get hired, find love, be independent, and then life would be good. Thats it. I would peak, be happy, and that would be that. But the more I imagined that scenario I realized that its not that easy, even for the rich an famous.

Think about it, a lot of people strive for money, fame, health, looks, etc. But after growing up with money and in poverty (long story),

“I realized I just want to grow up to be happy.”

But the funny thing is, is that I don’t know what makes me “happy” anymore. For a long time it was money, then finding love, then just my friends, and then as all of those things faded away I was left standing there empty handed, by myself but yet still not unhappy. Interesting right? All the concepts I thought brought me joy were gone yet I was still feeling okay! Don’t get me wrong it sucked and hurt to lose them, but I still made it out alive and was fine. So I was left standing there, to ask myself again what makes me happy.

We spend our whole lives striving for things and concepts we think we need but what if we all kept it simple, what if we all just just lived!

So while I’m racing to find out my purpose and who I am, I realized that, that is what life is. It’s figuring out who I am as an individual, but I can’t find it in 21 years, or 50, or even 75. Sure as live goes on we grow with others and all sorts of ways but in the end, it’s only you who goes on alone. As scary as that thought is, its true,

it’s reality.

Life is about the memories and moments I create, the paths and roads I pave through out, and most importantly the relationships build from start to finish.

“With every relationship I build that fails, I realize something about myself, I find more of myself I didn’t even know I had. It’s like a wake up call that I didn’t know I needed. Some are painful, some are quick, but each one teaches me more and more.”

“It’s like lives most powerful lessons are brought through pain, but finish in strength.”

Everyone and everything alive only has a certain amount of time on this Earth, and the scary part is that not everyone realizes that, so we all sit here being alive but are really any of us living? And I wish I could tell you how to “live” but the truth is, is that living is a concept that is different with everyone. That maybe instead of over thinking on how my life will be great as time goes on and I “figure it out” that,

life would be better if I just lived in the moment!

Ya know? And just let life happen and I’ll figure it out on the way. Don’t forget the hard times, and don’t call them the bad times, but realize that those are part of life. Those are the parts that help us figure out life and ourselves the most. Moments define our lives, memories define our lives, but if we keep trying to find or create them we slowly start to forget why we want them.

“You know its funny, growing up I always feared death, but I think what I really fear is not living when alive.”

So what if we all stopped taking life so seriously and just lived, took chances, risks, and just went with it. I mean the more you think about it, we were all just a random pick of life, you never know what kind of story will come when each one begins.

Higher Thoughts

A Letter To My Angels

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It isn’t Invincibility – But it isn’t Faith Either

over the past few years I came to the conclusion that – while mortality is great and all – I have too many angels around and about to let anything of real consequence happen to me. Now to clarify this doesn’t mean I have taken to jumping out of planes or running into fires to save kittens but it has given me a renewed sense of surviving through the ordinary and the extraordinary.

By now many of you have heard of the fires, explosions and gas leaks in Lawrence Massachusetts – click here for the story – but what you may not know is that I live just north of the river, in an area that lay on the edge of Lawrence and Andover.

Today my heart goes out to the family who lost their son in one of the blasts, the families of the ten people whom were injured, and to those who lost their homes. But today my heart also looks up to the forces that be for protecting me, my friends, and all those who were effected but are safe in the wake of this terrible event.

I don’t believe in Immortality

Not beyond the way writing makes us live on past our own expiration date. But I believe that something stands to protect me because yesterday, in the wake of such frightening events, I was not for a moment – afraid.

The way I see it, I have too many angels to let me join them – and I have too much left to do in my life to allow it to be cut short. I don’t believe in immortality, I don’t believe I am invincible, but I am young and naïve enough to know that if my time was now – well then that would be beyond my control.

I used to NEED Control

But today I woke up with this feeling where [and yeah maybe it was faith] took over and suddenly I wasn’t as stressed as I usually was. In many ways I still would not call myself a godly woman – but if I believe in anything, I believe in my angels – and I could not be more grateful that they are here to watch over me and those I love.

Lastly

I want to ask that we hold all those suffering both here in Massachusetts and those in the wake of hurricane Florence in the Light [ and for those who aren’t familiar with Quakerism – this means we hold them in our thoughts and send love and positivity their way] and I would also like to thank the first responders who were not able to spend last night with their own families because they were selflessly giving to others. Thank you.

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On Being a Boulder Brook Mom (and the ramblings of a young poet)

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The women around here are not JUST women – they are Titans. They grow up knowing that they have to be brave, fearless even. That they have to have grace and know their own worth – know that they are not cut out to simply be an accessory in their own life. That husbands aren’t guaranteed, because time is not kind and old age and good health is as good a gift as any other.

Women around here wield water skis like swords and dirtied hands like first place prizes. Women here are the reason we believe that there is a future beyond the hateful words we hear anywhere else. Women here are the reason this writer – has a voice that says something other than “like and um” when speaking in front of crowded rooms. Women here are the reason I write.

There’s Something About a Place Like This

I said it once but I will say it again, I grew up around powerful women. Strong women who loved, lived and cried for the future of their families. I grew up around Roxy the riveter types – women who were true heroes in their own right. I grew up around WOMEN – and when I say there is something about a place – I mean, there is something about THIS place that makes being who you are a little less frightening and a lot more possible. And maybe that feeling could be attributed to a mothers touch or maybe it could just be called what it is – this place is love.

It is my father’s heart still beating as the waves crash on the beach that reminds me of him – its my mother’s smile from before she knew what true unending hurt was. It’s dirty feet, sandy carpets and a love for people that are so much more than family.

In a place like this – like home, the wind moves like poetry and the waves crash in such a way that could make a natural disaster pause and watch. In a place like this – drunk thoughts become sobering memories of sunsets that reminded you of a childhood you can’t return to. It’s a place like this that becomes your identity and it is from mothers like ours that we can translate what all this poetic bullshit means.

So How do you Put words to this kind of Music?

Well I guess you don’t… but instead of stopping to correct the music – maybe its better just to sit down, pause and listen.

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this post is dedicated to all the powerful and influential men and women we have lost this year. thank you for all you have taught me – thank you for being titans among men

Just Post Grad Things, The Life and Times

22 Tips For the Class of 2022

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In honor of Merrimack College welcoming the incoming class of 2022 today I wanted to do a shot piece on “22 Tips for the Class of 2022”

Below are the basic tips to follow to remained informed, intuitive, and hip to the college grind.

Ultimately College is a time to find yourself, but none of us get through it without a little help from our friends – so if you have any tips be sure to send them in via the comments below!

22 Tips for the Class of 2022

1.Be Yourself

I don’t know who you were in high school but this is the time to grow – to be a dork, a nerd, a jock? No. This is a time to be YOU. So strip off the labels and be yourself because that is the only way you will find your tribe.

2. Be Someone Else

Maybe you used to be shy – be the opposite for a day. Change who you think you are, dare to leap out of your comfort zone – whether this means being someone else or just acting like the person you were afraid to be growing up. Think of who you are now and take it one step further.

3. Party – Or Don’t

News Flash – you don’t have to party in college to have fun. You don’t have to drink to make friends. Like being yourself – the party or no party debate is about you and what you are comfortable with. In college I indulged in some reckless behaviors, but I also spent a lot of nights in with friends. Who you become is about who you hang out with – so chose your friends wisely and make sure that if you do party you have your people to back you up.

4. Join a Club

At my school it was impossible not to get involved – if this is the case at yours consider joining a club. This could expand your friend group unexpectedly, or it could get you out of the room [ REMEMBER : YOU ARENT IN BACK TO BACK CLASSES FROM 8-3 ANYMORE (HOPEFULLY) SO USE THAT TIME TO DO SOMETHING]

5. Start a Club

Does the club you want to be a part of not exist …? Interesting … How about talking to someone who can help you jumpstart your club [some clubs come with school funding!]

6. Join a Cult

Umm… Wait maybe don’t do this? 

but you could join a society that goes with your major or even your career goals [ yeah… yeah … do that ]

7. Go to Every Class the First Week (then keep going to class)

NEWS FLASH – someone once calculated how much each class costed – it was around 300$ [IM NOT TALKING ABOUT THE FULL ‘SEMESTER’ CLASS] So every class you skip – maybe think about what someone could have done with that money… [Just saying]

8. Take a Mental Health Day

Not to contradict tip 7, but to contradict tip 7 – take a day to take care of yourself. If this means laying in bed and watching sad movies with a tub of ice cream or going on a run instead of that class that has been making you cry – take the time, regroup. No amount of money or time is worth sacrificing your health.

9. Talk to that One Person who is “way out of your league” [because they aren’t]

See that guy/ girl at the front of the class the one who’s dimples seem “perfect” and who’s shirt always brings out the “glimmer” in their eyes – TALK TO THEM – better yet ASK THEM TO HANG OUT OR GO OUT. The worst a person can do is say no – so why aren’t you taking a chance?

10. Comfort someone who is clearly homesick

From the first week to the last day of senior year someone will get homesick – its a guarantee. So go and ask if they are ok. Talking to someone or even saying hello can make a huge difference.

11. Go on Epic Adventures

“Yo bro do you wanna walk to CVS – Get Coffee? Yo lets go to chipotle!” Remember that adventure is literally everywhere so get hype and find a reason why a small trip could be an awesome way to orient yourself with your campus’ surroundings.

12. Spend a Night in

Movie Night? Popcorn? Enough said

13. Get in Trouble at least once [call it a learning experience]

Get to know your campus resources – you don’t have to do anything stupid to do this but getting in trouble or getting in a fight with a new friend teaches you more than perfect relationships and a perfect record. You won’t learn if you don’t make at least one mistake.

14. Get a Job

I was once asked how much allowance a mother should give to her kid… I told the woman that I got a job instead of asking for money from home. When the mom rubbed this in her students face and told her she should get a job – I turned to the student and said – if you have a job you don’t have to ask permission on what to spend YOUR money on. [the mom wasn’t thrilled but it definitely put an idea of self sustainability into the students mind]

15. Be Best Friends with your Prof (or department head)

Extra time on a paper or a test? Extra help on what the midterm exam will ask for – being friends and having a professional relationship with your professors could make your grade, or it could just help you learn some fun information about what it means to be a member of your major.

On the first day of class make it a habit of introducing yourself. It makes a difference

16. Be someone’s hero for a day

Making a difference in someone’s life is honestly not difficult. Start today by being kind – this practice could make you a hero, a decent human or a great leader one day – so try it out.

17. Consider a point of view you thought you were completely against

Politics – Violence – Civil Rights

Change starts with a conversation. It is hard to be open minded but it’s impossible to grow without the ability to communicate why you believe what you believe. At the end of the day you don’t have to like someone’s views, but finding out how they got those views will help you understand people better.

18. Nickname your friend group [ make it obnoxious but relatable ]

My friends and I called ourselves ROLEX – my brother took this as an opportunity to point out that we named ourselves after something that was “overpriced and useless” but I just thought we were timeless.

19. Make Someone Proud [ Or better – Make Yourself Proud ]

Whoever you’re doing it for – do it well. I can’t help you with this one, it’s all up to you

20. Do something you never thought you could do

kiss someone, fight someone, sky dive, join a club – just do something out of your comfort zone and maybe you’ll surprise yourself

21. Get in trouble again [ another lesson – just for the hell of it ]

Fool me once shame on me – fool me twice shame on you…. you got to risk it to get the brisket my friends so push some limits [WITHIN REASON] but whatever you do, learn something from it.

22. Graduate ?

I mean if you’re gonna WIN at college you got to finish it right? SO DO IT!

The Afterward

After Graduating from the best four years of my life SO FAR I cannot wait to see what the future holds for my brother and friends who are still enjoying and suffering through their college years. Being someone who has been vastly defined by the events that have built the person writing to you today – I can say that the best is yet to come and that these tips are exactly the ways to break out of your shell and make college great.

GOOD LUCK AND GOD SPEED TO THE CLASS OF 2022 – YOU’RE IN FOR A WILD RIDE

 

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stay tuned for more with our next college story “How to WIN at College”

The Life and Times

Clearing A Space

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Have you ever been in a room that made you frustrated or anxious or experiencing a variety of emotions without reason? You may be falling victim to the out of control energy that we often experiences in spaces that have not been properly energetically cleansed and cleared. Now, I am not trying to scare you as this will not do you any physical harm, but being in a space with off the charts energy can certainly leave you feeling miserable and confused. I have a few key points that can help you cleanse a space you may know in need of a cleansing. These spaces range as they can be rooms, cars,boats, even houses and large spaces of land.

  • You must first ground yourself in the space. Grounding is the act of imagining your feet connecting with the earth and you slowly feel the energy and power of the earth connected with you.
  • Secondly, you should clear yourself spiritually. Will anything attack you? No, the chances of something like that happening are slim. You just have to imagine a force moving all of the negative energy out of you and all that no longer serves your best interest. You have to send it away and release.
  • For protecting myself I enjoy imagining a bubble of light surrounding me and shielding me from all types of energy. Why would I do this? I do this to make sure I am in control and no other energies are connected to me as I clear the space.

Once the steps mentioned above have been implemented I would suggest burning white sage, if you would rather not there are amazing spray bottle sages that you can spray in a space that will do the same thing. Go around the perimeter of the area, commanding in your space that your looking to cleanse all energies from this space and that you’re taking control of all energies that enter, only ones that serve your highest purpose. This process generally takes several minutes, but once it has been implemented I would highly suggest burning lemon grass in any form whether it be a candle, the root or even lemongrass essential oil. Lemongrass is helpful is drawing in positive energy and helps aide in the release of energy that no longer serves you.

light painting at night
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The Life and Times

My Mom and I

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33008FCA-9A58-46B2-BB7C-D181B0597924     Almost ten years ago, I’ll never forget spending the night at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center in Boston, MA for what would be the last of a five year battle. My mother, who was terminally ill with breast cancer, was in a medically induced coma to stop her pain and suffering. You would think that during this time, everything would be hitting the fan, that my emotions would be out of control and I would be hysterically crying, but I wasn’t. You see, since I was in the second grade, I saw my mothers very turbulent battle with this type of cancer. What most people don’t know is that during some of the lowest points in her health, I was there for her always and I will never forget what she told me.
My mother was the oldest in a family of six other siblings. As you could imagine life back then was both a growing experience and a true test of character. What I know of her during this time was the story she told me and those who have recounted her life. I’ll never forget hearing about what a true indigo leader she was, someone who was an empath and was not fully aware of her gift.A lot of these gifts, I also have as her and I shared a very unique bond.
My sister, who my mother loved dearly may have been the oldest, but my mom loved her more than life itself. Though I am not close to her now, I know my mom would have been so proud of the woman she has become because she really is independent, strong, and fully capable of doing anything she sets her mind to. With her, if it isn’t happening,she will make it happen. I’ve always admired her for this, and my mother did to. I know like everyone we all doubt ourselves, but she was gifted with ambition and strength.
As for me, well after my mother passed in that hospital, I found peace, but I never really dealt with the part of me that died that day. The change that would occur in the family and the moments we would all have that my mom would no longer get to experience. For the remaining years in high school, I had a very difficult time without her. I was trying to come into myself and was doing so in a very immature and public way that I sometimes regret, but like anything- I learned so much about myself and who I was and was able to realize that life continues moving on. Now I feel stagnant and it’s time to start changing things, sometimes to get back to the drawing board, we have to remember the struggles and challenges we’ve had, how we overcame them and that we can do that again.
My father remarried and I am so happy for him and the family, as the years have gone on, I am so happy with the way things are now. I really love how cool my step mother is, how loving and supportive she is and that there is life again in my house.
You might be thinking, well why are you bringing all of this up? Whats the point? I wanted to use this blog as a journal and space to get my feelings out and share with you the process and journey. I think too often times we’re too focused on the end result and not the mountains you have to move to get there. With all of this being said, I am now at another turning point in my life and it’s time to make things happen and continue with entrepreneurship. I am about to take the road less traveled, but I know that in the end, this is what I’m being called to do. Life for me is just starting and i’m trying to embrace it with open arms!