JustRachel

She was…because she had to be

Leave a comment

When I think about myself and women in my generation and women in general – I think that weakness is the guise we wear to hide how powerful we truly are. but lately I have been feeling like that guise is getting the best of me personally. Why? because even today, when I got my summer dream job – when the weights lifted and the sun began to shine, I still managed to get myself twisted in the details that make adulting so awkward.

I am who I am because I have to be – Not because I want to be

And I am so damn tired of having to be x, y, and z for the sake of holding face. So here’s my truth – here’s the real…

Two weeks ago I lost my job. I was laid of suddenly and while I told my bosses I saw it coming, I had no clue and I just wanted to save face. And in retrospect I spend a lot of time doing that.

As a female in this generation I have spent 23 years talking myself into things. 23 years being my own hype woman while still looking for the approval of others – but oddly enough, this time, I ended up leaving a good and stable job for little to no other reason than – I couldn’t stay knowing that the one persons approval I was losing – was my own.

Sell yourself, But don’t sell-out

After almost a year into my career I fell short because I felt like I had sold out. I did everything right. Followed rules – to an extent and I did what was expected. But I sold out in the fact that nothing and no part fed me on a deeper level.

I started doing things because I had to. I started being x, y, z because I had to be – not because that was who I was.

So my advice. Don’t be like me.

Don’t wash up or sell out. Don’t call it quits when it seems too easy because that kind of thing won’t drive you and it won’t feed you in the way that you need.

Don’t be like me. But be you, because you have to be.

JustRachel

The Confessions of a Washed Up Track Star

Leave a comment

In sports, when the buzzer goes, the game ends.

So I guess the most confusing part of my sport is that – when the gun fires, we don’t stop, we go. When the clock starts, we run, we throw, we decide when to start the jump, the throw, the race – and then we decide what line to finish on and whether or not we want to keep our mark – or scratch it.

In my sport, we don’t have a final buzzer. We leave the end open- ended and because of this… well maybe that is why I can’t see an end to what I feel as though I barely started.

I Never Saw It In A Dream – But it Became Real

Five years ago – I didn’t dream of being here. I never imagined that I would be good enough to be where I am. But, I also never thought it would hurt this much to leave.

When your race ends, you walk away. In 5 years I have watched countless people walk away when it was their time to, but I never thought that watching them walk meant losing what it meant to be a part of a true and cohesive team.

One Team – No Longer a Dream

Three years ago I was part of a team, one that cheered and pushed and expected things of one another. Three years ago I was part of something bigger than myself, but today it just feels like I’m chasing that feeling like a dream deferred.


Harlem
BY LANGSTON HUGHES
What happens to a dream deferred?

     Does it dry up
     like a raisin in the sun?
     Or fester like a sore—
     And then run?
     Does it stink like rotten meat?
     Or crust and sugar over—
      like a syrupy sweet?

     Maybe it just sags
      like a heavy load.

      Or does it explode?

PoetryFoundation.org

We all know the feeling of a dream deferred. The feeling of watching something you love slip through your finger tips like the string of a balloon leaving your hand at a crowded park with no one to save it as it flies away.

I never thought of Track and Field as my dream deferred – I never thought of it as something that could turn sour, but today, as I watch something rot and crust and sag – I realize that this love, like all others in my life have blinded me to how broken it is.

I Cannot and Do Not Win Without Them – And THIS is why We Do Not Win at all.

People assume that Track is a solo sport – It isn’t, but then again you cannot spell “Field” without “I” and I often feel that the Field part of Track and Field is forgotten – so maybe it fits. Because some times outside of my squad I feel like an I in a crowd of we’s.

It’s funny though.

The word team doesn’t have “I” in it – but if you re-arrange the letters it can say “ME”. And when I realize that, it gets me thinking how “We” turned into “Me” and “me” turned into a losing battle against myself.

A No Win Situation

Most days I ask questions I shouldn’t, ones that lead my coach to tell me to keep my nose out of it. But I personally cannot sit on my hands and be happy when this is not the team I signed up for.

AND I AM NOT ALONE

These are My Confessions

Today I am stuck. I am stuck watching people suffer because the sport they fell in love with is pushing them away as quickly as it held them close and honestly, I never thought it would be like that because two or three years ago it wasn’t.

Today I’m stuck. Stuck watching some fall to over confidence and others fail by not believing in themselves.

Today I’m waiting for something I used to have. Questioning if it was ever real in the first place and wondering if team is made by bonds among friends or by coaches who refused to take our shit.

Today I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of washed up and irrelevant, but tomorrow everything could change.

In Other Sports

In other sports we are made to stop when the buzzer fades, when the teams walk off the court – but in my sport we decide when to cross the finish line and while I can see mine inching closer, I still have too much to do to admit that it’s over.

In other sports they leave everything on the court, but in my sport I take control and me? I’ve just begun.

Kevin at a Desk

The Lights Go Out; Burnout at Its Finest

Leave a comment

Its a go, go go kinda world where we are in the finest of clothes but not the finest of minds. What a world we live in where the deadlines are sometimes the endgame, the only thing that matters after all. We balance our work and our dedication to the individual tasks that we are assigned with the delicate inter-workings of our basic human needs and desires. Our minds go until we tell them to take a breathe and decompress from all the stress we inflict upon them unfortunate for them we rarely do. We tend to go until the light and energy is depleted and we work with our emotions which barely have anything in the tank to operated.

I know in my role, i invest a lot of time and emotion in to the work that i do. As a person who is in higher education, my emotions tend to bleed into the role and it is my job to realize it and to stop the metaphorical bleeding. Its tough, there are long nights and early mornings, long calculated ideas and short off the cuff reactions. It gets to me ever so often. I tell myself to talk it out or not to invest too much into issue past the 4:30 whistle, there is a catch. i have the hooks in too deep, i’m too invested and it takes away from me. I cant always get out my own way and that can break my confidence from time to time and make me second guess if i’m some imposter and shouldn’t even be here. There are just sometimes i feel like a candle, burning the wick away.

Burnout is a real thing we all talk about it but really never do anything until its too late. We want to ignore the fact that the wick is burning too fast and still light our way with it. This hasn’t ever help one soul, if anything by ignoring the burnout you create an accelerant to the issue. To acknowledge the issue is to make the first steps in creating a slower burn. I think we all conceive the notion that we can reverse the damage by burnout and in fact that isn’t how you can solve the issue. We all burnout from time to time, that is inevitable but its what you do when you see it coming that changes the path of the person and there isn’t one correct way to go.

I have seen people ask for time off, change areas or even go to a different job because they felt that would make them happy. In the end, you need to be happy with the things you do that is one of the best ways to prevent burnout. There will always be things that frustrate you in your line of work but what needs to make you happy is the things at your core, what makes you come back for more each and every day for work. If you don’t have it you’ll find it somewhere either where you are now or where you will be going. Happiness is what we try to strive for but we sometimes just need to work a little harder to find it. I will have to take this journey very soon, the one where i can establish my core and figure out if this is what i want to be doing, is this worth all the emotional drainage? Am i even Happy? It will take a while but i think that i will find what i’m looking for very shortly.

If you are burning out, don’t feel like you are alone in this issue. Many of us fellow awkward adults are debating this many a times a day and some have found their answer and some are just starting to look. All you need to do as a start is to think. because i don’t think you should let the light burnout quite yet, you’re gonna need that soon.

Awkward and Abroading, Higher Thoughts, Journals by Jess, The Global Citizen, Top Stories

Paradise vs. Poverty

Leave a comment

This weekend, I was Cinderella.

I grew up modestly.  My parents never had a lot of money but we didn’t suffer because of it.  We went on family road trips and would go out to eat on birthdays, but we were a typical family of the lower middle class.

But this weekend, I was Cinderella.

My boyfriend’s family took us on a vacation to the Dominican Republic.  All expenses paid, all inclusive, and every single need or want we could possibly think of was taken care of.

I had unlimited tropical drinks served by bartenders that always remembered my name and order.

I shot archery on the beach, danced in a nightclub, and gambled in a casino all in the same day.

I walked on the beach, went snuba diving, and swam in a freshwater-filled cave.

Every time I walked into my hotel room, there were new animals made of towels that were covered in fresh flowers.

When I broke my glasses, guest services took care of every single detail with only the small fee of paying for the super glue which was brought up to my room by a butler.

I didn’t deserve any of it.

I never expected any of this, but the saddest part was what I didn’t expect about the environment.

The second we drove off of the 5 star hotel’s land, garbage littered the streets.  Kids wearing clothes both far too big and far too small were begging and selling their drawings to tourists.  Stray cats ate scraps and cows that had their ribcages showing walked through intersections.

At an off-site beach, we were pestered by vendors.  Some would try to hand us bottles of beer.  Others sold paintings and jewelry.  One man, without my knowledge or consent, put an iguana on my head in an attempt to get me to take a picture–for a fee, of course.

When I went to the five star resort, I felt like the poor girl who was swept off her feet by a man and brought to the lap of luxury.

The Dominican Republic took me back to the sad reality.

Among the beauty of the palm trees and endless pina coladas, there was extreme poverty.

We were the exception to the rule.

We were the white tourists, eating gormet food to our heart’s content while a mile away, so many starved.

We spoke in broken Spanish to servers who knew that learning English and working in a resort was one of the best–and only–ways to make a living.

I was the Cinderella who saw the dark side of her fairy tale.

JustRachel

To My Future Daddy’s Girl

Leave a comment

Dear Sweetheart, Sweetie Pie, Punkin, Daughter,

The day you arrive, I pray your father will have it more together than me. I pray that he looks at you like he looked at me every day we waited for you – minus the fear in his eyes when he brought me the wrong food and I couldn’t help but yell, ‘how do you not know what she wants!’ To which he will reply – ‘I am not a seahorse, she isn’t in me – that’s your…’ and he will stop there because he will know better than to mess with your mother when she’s pregnant.

My sweet baby girl, I am not religious, but when I think about my future – well let’s just say “there’s no atheist in a fox hole” and baby girl you will be the whole damn war.

To my future Daddy’s girl, I pray your father will look at you, like mine did at me. Staring into your eyes and seeing the universe and all its potential – smiling like everything he ever wanted fits in the palms of his hands. And I hope beyond hope that he has enough memories with you to last you three lifetimes over because the time you spend together, brief or long will carry you through your darkest days.

Dear Baby Girl, right now, you and me are AT LEAST 15 years and a loving husband short of meeting one another. You and I are a world and a war away but that doesn’t make me doubt that the family I am dreaming of will be anything less than the greatest adventure of my life.

To my sweet baby girl – one day I will be ready for you. And when that day comes, nothing will keep me away.

Kevin at a Desk

I Don’t Think I’m Doing It Right.

Leave a comment

You get a moment in time to think about your next action, your next words.

Hear the clock ticking or is that your heart running the Boston Marathon?

For a brief moment you feel as everything stops and all eyes are on you, either in distain or in belief.

Then everything goes black;

Times up! Whats your call?

i feel like when i get in something too deep when i have to be the lead, the person everyone looks to, i always feel like I’m fucking up. i feel that I’m not saying the right words or doing the right things. Even when i have the training and i go over the protocols in my head, i feel as if i fall flat on my face when i try to execute such actions.

I always feel like i’m not doing what i need to right.

i have never felt a time in recent history where i have felt confident in my actions and words and can’t stop the metaphorical train from running off the tracks. Maybe its the pressure getting to me, or the anxiety of letting down people who believe in me, the ones that really make me a better person, or maybe i just don’t want to lose the stable adulting “footing” i have for the first time in my young adult life. i like to think we the people who serve others in leadership roles suffer from the split decisions that stick in our minds and control a tangle like bind on our heart strings. We worry about the decisions we make and the words that make it to our lips because we are young and don’t want to suffer from a mis step that can make us lose our slim, finger tip grasp on what we dreamed we would be in our lives. There will be times where the pressure of making the right call or walking the proverbial line will get to us and we will need a moment here or there to decompress and to process the world and its ways. I can tell you from experience what comes of that can be many things and ways that a human can process things, not to mention that, in my case, there are sleepless nights based solely on a decision or something i said and me trying to get out of my head and into bed.

Thats kinda why this is being written at 1:07 AM on a Thursday morning because i cant sleep quite yet in my own apartment.

The reality is, we will always need to lie in our beds that we make at the end of the day. The thoughts may race through our heads and our heart rates will fly but we need to put it aside as best we can for the next issue, the next big tongue tie. Life’s dogmas and doctrines state that the past is the past but we must either learn from it or remain hurt by it. The best we can do for ourselves is to take a breath, try and talk it out with someone and just gear up for whatever comes our ways next while learning from our experiences. Life is not designed to be a wading pool, life is a fast pace river and we just need to be ready for where the current takes us next.

After all, even if we are not feeling like we are doing our jobs or responsibilities right, we are still trying to do good in this world.

Journals by Jess, Just Post Grad Things, Top Stories

6 Interview Prep Tips for Awkward Adults

Leave a comment

It’s interview season.

For teachers looking to change schools and college graduates, it is time for finding new jobs.

As someone who has done a lot of interviews over the last couple years, I have picked up a lot along the way.  I consider this one of my skills, and luckily, it has led me to some moderate success.

Here are my tips to prepping for an interview to help yourself feel less awkward:

  1. Come to the Interview Prepared: This includes doing research on the company, the position you are applying for, and–if you can find out–the culture of the company.  It may seem trivial when you are desperate for income, but if you find out as much as you can about the job before interviewing or even accepting, you can save yourself from being miserable (or quitting) in a few months.
  2. Have Something in Your Hand: For me, I like to bring in a packet with a cover page, cover letter, resume, letters of recommendation, and a write-up of a sample lesson.  For others, this may be a portfolio, sample writings, or something that the interviewer has requested.  You will feel much more confident walking in if you know you have something you can give them.  It will help them remember you and you will feel more prepared, giving you more confidence.
  3. Eat Something: Make sure you’re not walking into this new office with your stomach growling.  It will be not only distracting to you, but make you uncomfortable.  Pro tip: don’t eat spinach or anything else too leafy because you will need to…
  4. Smile!: It really goes a long way.  If you are feeling awkward, sometimes smiling through it can help.  If you are afraid it will come off as unnatural, try practicing smiling in the mirror.  I’m totally serious.  (Make sure to check your teeth while you are at it).
  5. Wear Something Comfortable, but Not Too Comfortable: I have a pair of dress pants that I always go to that are stretchy and not too stiff.  Ladies, wear heels if you have pant legs that flare out, you don’t want to be stepping on them (I’ve learned this the hard way)  because there’s nothing less comfortable than tripping over your own clothes.  Gentlemen, I am going to say it, wearing a little makeup won’t kill you.  Steal some of your girlfriend’s/sister’s/mom’s concealer if you have a big zit (which was probably caused by the stress of an interview coming up).  An employer will look past blemishes, but if having a clear face would make you feel more confident, there’s no shame in covering it.
  6. Arrive Extra Early: It may seem obvious, but arriving early has its benefits other than being able to save you from any unexpected traffic/navigation issues.  Arriving early will give you a few minutes to focus and calm yourself before going inside.  You can take your time sitting in your car if you’re feeling anxious.  Text your mom.  Take a deep breath.  Watch an episode of “The Office” (okay, I haven’t done this but one of my friends has and he said it helped him relax).

 

BONUS

After the interview, Treat Yo’ Self.  Do something for you.  Talking about yourself and trying to seem perfect for thirty minutes can take a toll on you.  Grab a coffee and put it out of your mind–until the next one. Good luck!

Kevin at a Desk

I Hate Being the Nice Guy

Leave a comment

It’s all fun and games until you get burnt.

Its not a hard concept to be a nice guy. You do the right thing, try not to let anyone down, and do things for the greater good. A nice guy extends his arm out every time and does what they can to make sure someone can succeed with the rest of the world. There are sometimes when the hand that feeds gets bitten and the nice guy finishes last. In my opinion, i try to get back to the root of why i help people and even when i get burnt in helping someone i still try to come back to my core beliefs.

But what happens when someone gets burnt a little too much?

This is what happens when you’re too much of a nice guy, you get tired of people walking over you. You get annoyed when you’ve done so much for a person and they cant appreciate the things you’ve done; a real “What have you done for me lately?” kinda mindset. You boil over and when you say something you look like the bad guy, the person that gave everything doesn’t get the credit they deserve. It poisons the mind and eats at the soul until you are consumed with the false reality that you were never good in the first place. But thats not true, you’ve just reach a compelling point in your where you are giving up the poison.

i finally reach a point where i realized i cant be the nice guy i have been for a long time. For the first time in a long time i cant play the guy who gives a lot to get a little, who worries about something out of my reach. Its making me lose my mind, and i’m sick and tired of not getting much out of anything. I hate the feeling that people do not see me doing good that i have always strived for and when i step away from my normality of being generous to them, trying to rest, they complain about how i never do anything for them. I give them everything on a silver platter and they complain about the shine.

Its about time i focus on being a nice guy to myself for the long run of things. i don’t want to walk away from helping people entirely but i see that i am not gaining what i thought i would by putting others first, so maybe its time i put the metaphorical book of others needs on the shelf and read a new story. It looks like for a while its gonna be a reflective time for myself to try and be selfish for once in my life and i mean in a good way. Its gonna take time to become adjusted to this new philosophy but hey i got my entire life to figure out myself.

I’m starting at the top of my list with the company i keep. The people i need to stay away from in my case are the ones who ask and really never give anything in return that makes me be a better human in the short life we have. i do not want to put all of myself out to help when they do not defend me in my times of need. But this is no eye . for eye my friends. Its just a simple yet complex action They got to go, it might be awkward at first but i gotta think whats best for me in the end. In the reverse sense i will uncover those who really make me better; at my job, as a person, as a family member, and in the general sense of the term. By stripping away the layers of things that take away from what makes me, me i find the real core of myself. The original layer so to speak.

If you’re in my boat i think you’ll find the first thing on your list may be different from mine and thats ok. To be a selfish person means not to give anything back to hold everything in for yourself. What we are doing is refining what we give and what we get, checking our source of joy and other things that makes us who we are as particular generous, nice people. By doing this we will lose things and people but thats ok, things like this happen naturally but since we are causing the purge so to speak it feels like we are doing it not out of self care but self hate and it looks worse to the people and things we choose to walk away from. They will think the worse of us and remember nothing but the bad even if we help them at their darkest hour. Do not think too much into this and remember that this will change things but you’ll be better on the other side.

Peace & Blessings My Friends

Journals by Jess, Top Stories

The Simple Truth About Interviewing with a Sexist

Leave a comment

Hold up–that’s a pretty accusatory title.  Sexist? Really?

I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt.  I really did, I swear.

I can’t remember the exact moment I realized who I was dealing with.

Maybe it was when he talked down to me, explaining why leads are called leads. “Because they lead to a sale!  Get it?”-Actual quote from the man I am choosing to call Mr. Wasp.

Maybe it was when Mr. Wasp talked for over 90% of the interview or when he invited a male candidate in who had been waiting outside to join us as he talked down to me, giving the other looks that said “you get it, I have to explain it to her though”.

But I think the most telling moment was when I explained to him why I wanted a job and he left the interview while I spoke, to show me how I was wrong, about the truth that I was revealing and he was trying so desperately to conceal: that there were almost no women in the field.

____________________________________________________________

Last week, I interviewed at a car dealership.  I was prepared.  I knew exactly why I was there.  I was inspired by Girls Auto Clinic in Toronto, a garage that is exclusively run by women in an effort to empower women car owners who feel intimidated at dealerships. Every woman I know who has been in a dealership has been talked down to, oversold, and made to feel clueless when talking about cars.  I wanted to help be this change.

I was asked the question, “Why do you want to work here?”.  Here is what happened:

Mr. Wasp: “Why do you want to work here?”

Me: “I was inspired by the women of Girls Auto Clinic.” (here I explained what that was) “In my experience, every time I have gone to a dealership, the only women I have seen have been receptionists, so–”

Mr. Wasp, cutting me off,: “We have women here that are more than receptionists.”

Me: “Well that is great, I am glad to hear it.  But in my experience that is usually not the case.  You see,–”

Mr. Wasp, interrupting me again: “We DO hire women.  There is even a woman on the sales floor.  She is here right now.”

Mr. Wasp then gets up, leaves the room, and looks down to the sales floor and says, “She is around here somewhere”.  He proceeds to look and wait.  I sit in the room, waiting, until finally…

Mr. Wasp, pointing: “There she is! See? We hire women for sales.”

I wish I could write here what I was able to say in response to this absurd action, but truth be told, I had no chance.  He talked at me.  I had no chance to ask questions, talk about my qualifications, nor respond.  I was thanked for my time and told that I would hear back soon if I was moved forward in the hiring process.

___________________________________________________________

The simple truth is that interviewers are not always so openly awful.  They don’t always create tokens out of the employees and use other candidates as pawns to justify talking down to women.  They don’t interrupt the candidates or walk out of the room.

The simple truth is that this man did all of these in a manner that was almost comical, like something out of sketch comedy or an exaggerated comic strip parody.

The simple truth is that this happens.  Every single day.  This was not my first experience and it will most likely not be my last.

And the worst part, you ask?

This man was not a possible future boss.

He did not work for the company.

He was from an outside hiring agency.

Kevin at a Desk

To My High School Teachers

Leave a comment

Hi,

Its been a long time hasnt it?

I haven’t really seen you much. I’ve been on the road lately, from college to my first job, not much time to pop in and see you. I just wanted to write this and say, well thank you, for so much. It seems like a lifetime ago that i was in your class. My mop bucket of a head sitting either right up front, or slightly in the back in the small cramped desks, honestly i think it depended on where the rows ended with my last name. I think i looked more lost than most and i still had that devilish grin on my face basically at all times. You knew if i could blend in if i wanted to or standout, depended on the day i guess. Even with this odd kid in your class, i still cant believe what my life would have been like if i didn’t have you.

I know sometimes it didnt seem like i was learning, maybe it reflected in the papers or test i handed in that was not up to the par that you knew i was capable of and i guess i just didnt know how great i was until you sat down with me and explained it all. I was listening all those classes, listening to every word you had to say or example you had to give. Especially math, even tho i absolutely was abysmal at the subject you always had time for a tutor session here or there. Even in the things i excelled at like public speaking, history or writing; you never stopped pushing me to where i could be even when i felt comfortable. Even today i still take that “Practice makes better” mentality and try to improve something of myself each day i wake up.

I wanted to be a part of sports even with my non athletic talent, you still helped me find a way.

Even when i basically had no athletic talent, you still let me be a part of the team. Even tho i was not on the ice i still felt like i was a part of the team being the manager. Maybe i had to carry sticks to the bench or fill up waters but it taught me a lesson or two lessons. It taught me, one: You need to work in the nitty gritty to earn respect and when you get higher up that hard work will pay off, and the second: You may have a minor part on a team yet you are still a member of the team and it still makes up the identity of who we are. In was able to toughen up and become a man that is respected and hardworking because of the times on the bench and in the classroom.

Even during one of the most pinnacle of times when all students have unease and butterflies in their stomach you were still my MVP. Of course I’m referring to the college process. During that process, i was so nervous that i may not get into the school i wanted or the program i was eyeing or even a . good college at all, but you never lost faith in me. You made sure i was bound for a good education no matter what it took out of your personal time. Summers writing the college essays or the Common Application run through that i think i asked about 1000 times. Look at me now, two degrees in five years and now i’m working at Colleges. Something i may never have dreamed i would do but yet you set me up for success

You don’t always get enough credit for what you do. You sacrifice some days to be at school a little bit earlier or little bit later just to give us the opportunity to bump our grades up. Even when we fell short after that support and we slipped through the crack and come begging for help you never fell flat on your desire to be what great teachers are. Even when we misbehaved i don’t think you ever yelled at us with the intent to wound, a shot across the bow as we deserved.

I cant fully explain what great impact you have had on my life, i think this letter would go off the charts and never end. Mostly because every day i use something you taught me, either from a book or who you were. You taught me what it meant to be a man of poise and class, a standard i have kept myself to for all this time. I act as a gentleman because thats what you taught me to be it, what you knew i should be. That doesn’t mean to be afraid or have too much pride, it was to stand up for what i believe in and who i believe in and to not forget the importance of standing by a good moral compass. Now that i am in charge of people as their supervisor, i stand by the example you set for me and i try to be a good example for them just as you did for me.

Although not all of you can read this right now for what ever reason prevents you, i hope you know i never forget the good teachers. The ones that live forever in our minds are the ones who took care of us but taught us life lessons even when you had giv tough love ones . We have gone on to do so many different and unique things trust me i never thought i see myself where i am today

Ill try to stop in soon, i swear and it will be like the good ole times even if im 24 and the size of a lineman. I cant wait to share that moment with you and tell you all about my journey, its a real page turner. (even if i didn’t really read in school).Until then i hope your current students really learn to appreciate the work you do.

I know we all do now

Till then, Peace & Blessings.

JustRachel

cult or culture – a crossfit story

Leave a comment

So I joined CrossFit… and before you click away, before you assume my neck quadrupled in size, that I grew three heads, and that I now eat nails for lunch and throw cars for breakfast, let me take a moment to explain what I mean.

A little over a month ago I hit a pretty deep low after a close friend of mine lost someone very close to her. And with no where else to put my energy, my frustration, my pain, I just started hurting.

See what they don’t tell you when you enter the “real world” is that grief and depression and low days… they aren’t excuses, they aren’t ways to get out of work even when you can barely get out of bed. Because, unlike the flu – depression doesn’t come with sniffles and coughs and feverish nights. And while I am fortunate enough to work in a place that would understand – that isn’t a privilege I want or plan on taking advantage of. (and I am not the only one)

Shortly after I started climbing back out of this low, I was given the opportunity to take my lunches to go to the gym – the benefits since then have not only helped me physically and mentally, but emotionally as well.

Anyone who knows me, knows I love my job… BUT… there is not enough love that I would be willing to give up on being the best version of myself. Truth is, I don’t always love coming to work. Truth is, being an adult is hard and it isn’t because of a lack of work ethic or the bills or the privilege I have and have learned – it’s because I have never and will never be the kind of person that can sit, at a computer, for 8 plus hours a day. I just can’t do it.

Before I realized it Crossfit became my escape – and like all the other times in my life that the gym has saved me, this gym brought me back to a place where I could feel like myself again.

Then I got sucked in.

My work started to suffer a bit.

And before I knew it – I had to wake up and re arrange my priorities.

In the past two weeks I have been to the Crossfit gym 3 times? Maybe less. And while I feel myself slipping away again, I don’t really know if I can trust myself to go all in again.

So here’s where I set the record straight —

Crossfit isn’t a cult, it’s a culture. It is a way for the people I see every time I go to the gym to find the same kind of peace that I do. It is a way for us to push ourselves harder than we would if we worked alone and as an athlete – that is something that gives me a lot of comfort.

Do I plan on growing three more necks, no. But, when the time is right, and when I can reclaim that sense of balance in my life – I intend to go back and stay back in it.

The moral of the story – don’t judge a gym by the biceps that workout in it, and don’t assume that everyone in the gym is there to get swol.

Truth is, we all have a story – and we don’t have to join a cult to speak our truth. We just need a culture that fits us, our goals and supports us for who we are.

JustRachel

Cringey or Captivating???

Leave a comment

To Pop or Not to Pop! That is the question! … and whether we are willing to admit it or not, we ALL want answers.

So the other day a friend of mine was watching videos where she thought the people were artfully popping pimples, but instead, realized that they were extracting some sort of thin long bug from a girls skin… GROSS! However, despite how disturbing the video was, once my eyes were turned to it – I couldn’t look away. I felt like I was rubber necking some sort of car crash and yet without knowing it I was stuck watching it like an infomercial I just couldn’t turn off.

“Just three easy payments of $19.95 and this george forman pillow pet could be yours…yours….yours. It heats, it treats, it cleans itself and its only $19.95! (plus sales tax where applicable)”

– @ any infomercial ever…

So where does this fascination come from? Why do so many of us have this deep interest in the grotesque? and why is it that we can’t seem to just turn it off or look away.

Introducing … the GOOGLE SEARCH

So according to google gen x can’t get enough of these videos – and according to researchers, when we pop our own pimples the action releases dopamine (it makes you feel good) and when we watch other people do it, like in a video, that same feeling is triggered.

Which brings me to question #2 – can we get a sort of “pimple popping high” from either ourselves or these videos? My assumption is yes – because much like the other dopamine triggering actions the 21st century has created (receiving likes and views on Instagram, getting friended, getting texts etc.) this one provides a similar feeling . So while the high wouldn’t obviously be attributed to the consumption of a substance, the feeling one gets after finally getting rid of that painful pimple could trigger a pleasant emotional response.

According to Medical Daily the popping of pimples illicit a almost relaxing or soothing response for some people – which is why a YouTuber named “Dr. Pimple Popper” has 144,000 followers on her page.

But beyond the obvious and cringe worthy content Dr. Pimple Popper also reports that for some who, beyond the fascination – some who have a condition that obsessively drives them to pick at their faces, her videos actually could provide relief and allow them to stop harmfully picking at their facial imperfections.

So let me get this straight… some of the fascination of these disgusting and intriguing videos is actually helping people?

Dr. Pimple Popper

Featured in Medical Daily and the Times all signs point to the fact that Dr. Pimple Popper, Dr. Sandra Lee, is here to stay.

After starting to upload videos in 2010 Sandra Lee has since found her fame as one of the best dermatologists around – and honestly… More Power to her!

But as for or first… or maybe our last question of whether this topic is Cringey or Captivating ? I think for now, we may just have to leave it at BOTH.

The truth is, we can’t always understand why people are so fascinated by things like this, but at the end of the day we chose To Pop or Not to Pop and To Watch or Not to Watch, so whether watching pimples getting popped gets you giddy or makes you nauseous – well that’s just up to you.

We’re all just Awkward n' Adulting.