All posts by Kevinatadesk

I am usually a man of few words

New Year

For once again, the clock tolls.

12, midnight, the beginning, the end.

I sit in the remaining confetti, once again alone.

To me, it all has lost its vibrant demeanor

Another Year, Another time where everyone begins again.

It’s as if they shed their skin of the year, they regenerate themselves, then given a new look that feels old.

Yet i am left here in my war torn vessel, with all the scars from the year.

I regenerate last out of everyone, I never understand why.

Maybe, i just don’t want to go, or maybe i am not ready yet.

In some of the years, i think it is a gift, to enjoy who i was for a little while longer.

Yet i am jealous none-the-less

all i ask is that i shake these scars,

the ones that fade in through the regeneration

the ones i regret and the ones that still burn.

This year will be no different,

they sleep, i stay awake

they change, im delayed

but maybe this is they year i live with minimal scars and i regenerate quicker next time.

or maybe ill lay here wide awake again pondering what could have been.


it doesnt matter

the new and the old, the beginnings, the ends

shall be turned upside down again in father time’s sands

and it will begin all again.




Oh, What a Year!

As 2018 only has about a few days left and 2019 can now be seen on the horizon, humanity begins a sort of reflection period. We are entering a phase where we look back on the events that shaped 2018 into a year that no one has seen in recent history. We celebrate our success, mourn our losses, and count our blessings as 2018 comes to an end and we skid right into 2019. Now is the time to look back on what we have done during this year and see where our journey in life has taken us so far. I think when we begin to look back, we really start to ask the hard questions to ourselves.

Did i do everything that i wanted this year? What went wrong for me this year? How could i lose contact with him/her? Could i have avoided that heartbreak? Why Was i ever friends with them? Was i a good person? Could  i have done more?

i say we should step back from the questions and be more pensive as 2019 comes around the corner. We should reflect from where we began our journey almost 365 days ago to where we have stopped so to speak for the time being. You have never been so different in your life, why not enjoy the reflection for once? You have created  so many changes and either good or bad, they are what made the 2018 version of you so special

i hear on many occasions people talking about whether they had a good or bad year.  Now, there are good moments of the years where everything is going well and are luck would even make us consider that we won the lottery in life. Then there are the parts of the years where we could not catch our breath, where nothing broke our way and we are down on our luck. i like to think its not a matter of good or bad, more of how we recovered from the valleys to the peaks of the year. These influxes happen, its just a part of life. What happens when we are in the valleys of the year create the greatest peaks in the successes of the year.

What i consider the best part of December is that you get the time to reflect on all these things. You get to enjoy a toast to your successes that have created the best moments. We  are able to take a moment an remember all the bad times, the very bad terrible times we had in the year. We can remember the people we lost to the times and remember why we loved them so much. Each year, you pay a toll to go through the year, you might as well enjoy what you have paid for.

During this time of reflection, i hope you get to enjoy all your successes and learn from your failures. Be happy with your loved ones around you and remember those who have left us. If this was a good year, i hope you ride that wave of success again and if this wasn’t your year just know that every New Years Eve everything gets reset you start fresh like a regeneration. You never know, maybe this is the year everything comes together.

So as we enjoy the few days left of 2018, lets raise our glasses in hope of a happy and healthy 2019. 

I cant wait to see what is in store for us.

‘Tis the Season

As the holiday season for many people goes into full throttle, we are reminded of what happens around this time. We skip the turkey and mashed potatoes on Thanksgiving to get out in line before the sun comes up to get the best deals on that TV or gaming console we have been dreaming for ourselves. The materialistic narcissism takes over, even the best of us for the twenty something days leading up to the holidays. Its a competition to see who got the best, expensive, or the shiniest gift money can buy.

This is one of the reasons i have stopped enjoying the holiday season.

What ever happened to enjoy the TV specials like Rudolph, A Christmas Story, A Rugrats Hanukkah or my personal favorite; A Charlie Brown Christmas? Why can’t we enjoy the baking of cookies or festive treats for the holidays with family instead of going out constantly to a shopping mall and arguing about buying items? Where did the days of yule logs and egg nog go? Why do we value the dollar more than the value of time? Why are the holidays a chore?

i can’t figure this out each year when the holidays roll around again.

In my recent memory, one of the things that comes with the holiday season is finding the perfect gift. Even tho i am young, i have ceased the idea of finding the perfect gift for someone, the perfect gift does not have the color of green money if you haven’t figured that out yet. What i have started is to give gifts that have no value to them, no price tag or sale attached. These gifts are what we really need in this world, these gifts are the ones that are valued throughout the years, it doesn’t even collect dust on a shelf. I just give the simple gift of caring. Now you must be wondering what that means, well its very basic. I give the thing that seems to me missing in the holiday season. Whether it is coming home to help with some lawn work or cut a limb off a tree for my dad, to the late night phone calls with friends after a rough day. Showing you care during this season, it can mean the world to someone. Study’s show that with the demanding nature the holidays have along with those who do not have anyone to celebrate it with. Creating a black hole within the holiday cheer. We can change this, we just need to start where the basics lay, by caring about our fellow humans.

This holiday season, no matter what faith you practice or what your family situation is, reach out to your fellow human beings that may be stressed or are alone. It only takes a phone call or a text to invite them over for dinner on Christmas or for them to celebrate a whole new celebration and traditions within Hanukkah. Even if you don’t celebrate traditionally or at all, make your own traditions and holiday fun on something you want to do. Just because we come from different scriptures or beliefs should not create a wall between the prevention of stress and loneliness. By inviting someone in to not be alone you are practicing what you preach, you are doing good. So as i try to spread a cause for caring this season within my social groups and family, i ask you stop the shopping, stop the over done practices of lights and flashy things and try to spread compassionate vibes to show you care.

By Showing that you care for thy neighbor, family and friends it makes this holiday just a dash brighter for everyone. 


To the Forgotten

To the people who we have forgotten in time

The men and women of this world who once made a mark,

yet their light has become noting more than a broken bulb.

The deeds they have done, both the good and the evil.

None exist to the daily eye; none remembered, just a ghost of a memory.

These ghosts were remembered once

Remembered for what they did, what they once were

Now only oxidized bronze know their names.


Ever since i was a child i have felt sorry for these people,

but what i realize is that it is a list that has not ceased 

growing with the times.

The only difference is, now i know those names, those faces

Yet everyone around me shows the signs of letting them go.

We say we shall always remember but what happens when hey forget?

Another nail in the coffin, another death?


So take this time, this moment of the hour

To look at the closest street sign with the golden names

The yearbooks with the dusty devotions to the departed

The cookie cutter stones with a face carved in words

The memories that maketh man

Admire their dreams even if they are never to come true

For one day you shall join the forgotten as will i

but that does not mean the end, it just means we have done all we can


So, cheers to the forgotten

I hope one day someone rediscovers you,

just i as would want for my own Self. 





Family Does Not Last Forever

Thanksgiving is around the corner, many families will gather to celebrate the joyful time of being together. Where the little ones will be watching the parade with Grandma and Grandpa and seeing the big floats go by. Where many will sit around the table, sharing a meal  and recounting the joy of being together and how thankful they are to have that Aunt Susie or Uncle Tom in their life. Life would be so grand.

This is a Hallmark illusion

The fact of the matter is that not all families are perfect. Some have uncles and aunts who don’t know where the line ends and that it doesn’t bend for egotistical ideologies during the holidays. Some grandparents want the holidays to be a catered dinner where they are the star of the show, even tho their isn’t an audience to feed them what they want. The illusion of families being perfect for the holidays where every grudge and nasty deed preformed in the year gets put aside for one day is a dream that only a child could conjure up. I like to think when we start our own families that we aspire to this ideal but do not let it takeaway reality of what goes on in the world.  Families are not perfect.

I can remember from my own personal experiences of how thanksgiving use to be for my family. It was always a rush to eat so everyone could go up to my uncles for desert and drinks. My mother would be so stressed to cook, clean and be up there that it ruined the holidays for her. She catered to some that would never be grateful for her work like i was. Going to my uncles wasn’t that great either; always stuck at the kids table, always the butt of a joke, never an enjoyable time no matter the holiday. This was coming from a 12 year old kid who could see through the stress that was piled up on my parents to put on a meal just so everyone could go get hammered at a house of nightmares. I still cant stand my family, but i decided that family doesn’t have to mean they are a part of my holidays.

Ever since freshman year of college, we have not invited family over to dinner and we have only gone to one place afterwords, but it is nothing that would leave a stress mark on my mind. We hang out at houses and even with the newest trend of “Friendsgiving” we get to be with friends from near and far to celebrate each other during this time for thanks. Holidays have become more enjoyable since we focused more on who really makes up our family. My mother will always take a moment during the dinner to show the fact that she can finally enjoy the holidays once more, something i think should never be overlooked.

In my opinion, family are the ones who stand by you in the good the bad and the ugly, they are the people who lean on you and you lean right back when needed, they never have to be blood but they damn sure feel like it. This is why we still invite people over. We still have a standing invitation for anyone from either work, school or anywhere in between to join us for a holiday meal if they have no place to go. In the years since some have taken up the offer and really add an enjoyable tone to the dinner. Less stress for mom is always a plus as well.

I guess that what i am trying to convey is the fact that even tho you have family members doesn’t mean they are family. The real family you have are those who you deem worthy of having the title of “Uncle”,  “Aunt” or any other title you like to give. People say you cant pick your family, i say different. If anything you cant pick the good ones but you chip away the bad ones.

Holidays are meant for peace on earth and good will towards all.

Its OK to make some man made peace yourself.


A Good Man

A Good Man goes through life with no expectation of rewards or praise for the things they find should be common. They do not want the pomp and circumstance that comes with the deeds they do because its not what they were put on this Earth to do. They were not put on this earth to take medals and prizes, they are here for the people and progress of humanity.  A good man does everything for someone or something else, dedicating his values to the needs and desires of those he serves in what ever way that he finds serves the many. No matter the days, the hours, or service, a good man is always there for his people.

It seems today, i see less and less good men in this world. Too many spotlights pointed on people who don’t need them, too many awards for people who only served themselves. Too much stolen glory that the good men didn’t want, yet deserved, be given to the lackluster members of humanity. These are not good men of whom i write about.

Its not a sin for a good man to take some credit in some instances, its not a sin for a good many to accept some of the glory that comes with life. Its a sin when you don’t attempt to recognize their efforts of being a good man once in a while. Even if its minimal, its something for us to give back to them.

This past weekend, it was veterans day.

flight sky sunset men
Photo by Pixabay on

A day where we honor those men, and women, for their service in the armed forces of our land and for our people. This day, is our way of saying thank you.  These good men and women never asked for praise, glory, or medals. They signed up to serve there nation without complaint, without thought, but with all the sacrifice. From the greatest generation, to Korea, Vietnam, and the Gulf Wars and everything in between, they didn’t sign up to fight wars, they signed up to protect us from enemies foreign and domestic.

They signed up to be Patriots.

My entire family served, from Dad and all the way up. Navy and Army. Two legendary branches. There was a time even when for Christmas and thanksgiving that there was always one Gill deployed, the holidays weren’t complete. But they were and are good men. My father is a good man. He helps where he can, teaches when he can, and loves no matter what. He never asks for praise, never takes the glory of extra money when he provides for others, and he never asks for anything in return. A good man you see. Although he will never read this, my navy boy dad will be one of my examples of what it means to be a good man in these days where i can not seem to find people like this anymore. I have known great men.

In addition to veterans day, it is also a day of sorrow. Its a day where i remember another good man. Today is a day where a good man got called home.

Now, i don’t say much to outsiders about Brother Oxx simply because remembering hurts too much, it stings the fingertips as i write these words down on digital paper. He was a man who could command a room of testosterone fueled high school boys with a simple look. Not many people earn the respect like that in a lifetime.  He was the one in our darkest hours, both as a community and our personal matters, whom we looked up to and asked for guidance when we could not see ahead of ourselves. He, one of the best men i have ever known. Unfortunately, time waits for no man. No matter how good he or she is.

Br Oxx passed away almost six years ago on November 12th 2012. Not a day goes by without me missing him in some way.

In recent years, i find myself stumbling upon  asking a question that pops in my head.

“Am i a Good Man? “

i always ask myself what makes me good in the eyes of the world, especially with so much to live up to, especially after these great men i have in my life. i sometimes feel as if i can not compare to them and that i don’t measure up. I feel as if i can not contribute to what is already good in this world. Even tho i am told by people that i am kind in a world of hate and i am caring in times where it is overlooked, i feel i do not do enough to be a good man. I know to measuring a mans worth is never a good idea, but i like to know my worth is, so i can see that i am on the right path, the good path, to becoming a better man.

But these men that i have known, who have set an example for myself and all those who come after them, i hope they have an express ticket to heaven, for they have done well in life and deserve so much.

For they, in my eyes, are good men

and in the darkest of times,

good men shall always rise.

Another Day, Another Bullet

It happened again,

Another shooting.

Why does his happen every time, to people who don’t deserve it?

The families that now have to bury young men and women, and an officer who lived up to the code of the badge and gave everything. It pains too many people too often to see this happen again, again and again. We wont see any change anyways, we know the cycle all too well. Shock, mourn, argue, #neverforget, forget, mass shooting, repeat. It’s like a broken repeat button on God’s iPhone and He forgot the pass code to turn it off. Even after the recent elections, i still wonder if we will have any real change from anyone that is suppose to serve us. Not the gun organizations.

If you were like me, the news doesn’t phase you as easily as it use to. I don’t find sadness in the shock or grief in the first-hand accounts. “Oh well wasn’t me” is the casual mindset we have today, its a set in stone ideal that has become known as the common practice like its a religion or something. It needs to stop now. The lesson that we are taught needs to be refused and a change has to be made.

As young Americans, we walk around in fear of what could happen to us. We are no longer safe in theaters, malls, bars, for crying out loud we aren’t even safe in a school. A SCHOOL!! But this is the norm? this is the narrative we want to live with? Why can we not practice safety and sanity once in a while, i am telling you change is not always bad. We need to be protecting our youth, ourselves, and everyone around us.

Now i like to say this is not a total anti-gun rant.

My opinion, in general, is very grey area, middle of the road thoughts. I believe we the average american do not need assault rifles, automatic weapons, or anything that is crazy above the norm. However, i believe that people deserve the opportunity to posses a handgun, something within reason. I know there are good people who take the consistent safety class, hours of classroom and range work, and they understand that although a right, it is not something that should be put above the lives of others.  Its the people that put guns above lives that need to be changed. My opinion is not popular, on either side, and ill probably get some strong worded calls and texts after reading this, but its what i believe and isn’t it fair to let me make my peace in this crazy world?

In the end, this blog that me and all of my fellow writers try to write about and express our opinions is about adulting and being very, very awkward about it. But what rulebook change or memo did we miss that adulting had to include mass shootings and fearing to leave our homes just because someone couldn’t put a life above a gun?

What i ask of those reading this, is do something to change this crazy dilemma, be the deciding factor. Get involved to make a good change not just change because you can. Make it change that helps that is good and just. Just stop sitting by the wayside waiting for it to happen.


I don’t have any more words to write for you today, no more thoughts,

but maybe you have some actions for me?



I am the Traveler

Lost man’s journey or true adventures wonder.

what i cant find is what i cant see

Blind man, sour man, gone man.


I am the Traveler

The one who does not stay in one place,

who stays without a trace

yet longs for a home.

He does not stay for long like a paper cut in between fingers.

Stings but not for long.

Why cant he stand to stay?


Is it the people?

He knows once the journey resumes, they forget him

Some don’t but who writes to a man on the road?


Is it the places?

With such exotic beauty and diversity decay

He does not like to become a statue in such a state.

Not left to stain the ways of where he is when he could be away.


What is it then?


I am the traveler,

I move because i don’t want to be entombed,

by the people and their places.

I hate to be the stain that can not be cleaned. 

I wish to tend to my fires and have them come to me.

Its pure that way.

I give them my knowledge, in return they nurture me, feed me nourishment

So that i may travel wider and further 

To build fires for others to gather around, to kindle stories 

mountains nature sky night
Photo by Josh Willink on


I became the traveler, 

to ease the minds

calm the hearts

and to carry on.


I am the traveler, for the love of the journey.






Some People Just Want to Watch the World Burn

Bruce Wayne: Criminals aren’t complicated, Alfred. Just have to figure out what he’s after.

Alfred Pennyworth: With respect Master Wayne, perhaps this is a man that *you* don’t fully understand, either. A long time ago, I was in Burma. My friends and I were working for the local government. They were trying to buy the loyalty of tribal leaders by bribing them with precious stones. But their caravans were being raided in a forest north of Rangoon by a bandit. So, we went looking for the stones. But in six months, we never met anybody who traded with him. One day, I saw a child playing with a ruby the size of a tangerine. The bandit had been throwing them away.

Bruce Wayne: So why steal them?

Alfred Pennyworth: …some men aren’t looking for anything logical, like money. They can’t be bought, bullied, reasoned, or negotiated with. Some men just want to watch the world burn.

-The Dark Knight (2008)

They have no rhyme or reason. They just want to cause chaos where they can, when they can.

In this world we have people who transcend common sense and do things that we have tried to make obsolete or want to phase out. They make a scene or hurl an insult at someone not because they want to create something; its just because they can. That is the simple fact. Its just because they have the ability combined with no control of anything that creates a toxic combination.

If you think about 2018 in a nutshell, that is simply why we are going to hell in a hand basket. We have a lot of people burning our world. Don’t believe me? Here are just a few examples;

  • Separating families at the US-Mexico Boarder
  • Basically attacking the LGBTQIA community
  • Mass Shootings
  •  Hate (there are too many types which again makes the world burn)
  • Sexual Misconduct Cases
  • etc

The list goes on but these are just some that i think kindle the fire really well.

Now what is frustrating is the fact that you really cant reason with these actions. No person, place or thing will ever fall into a category that is easy to explain. Is Trump that stupid, an ass-hat, or is he very much that evil? We will never be able to reason with him or his thoughts. Of course there will be consequences, but how do you implement them when they are people who have nothing to lose?

This doesn’t just go for the President, it goes for everyone.

The people may be angry and create some heinous things and nightmares in our world, but we can still be the ones who put out the fire they have created.

We can be the people when hate speech is a headliner, we can respond with love and acceptance of those who are targeted by the haters. When we see the demonetization of  people because we are afraid of them taking jobs or committing crimes when in fact they are searching for the American dream generations of our family members fought for, we need to be able to give them the tools to create a better life not the tools to turn around at the boarder of their dreams. When the guns begin to fire and take lives, we can be the ones that implement an obscene thing called reason.

We can be the ones that put out the fires

So even if people are gonna just watch the world burn, we can just move past them and put the fires out. I challenge those who are reading this to take up leadership, to take up a “fire extinguisher” and go into the world and create some sense of peace among the disorder and concern.  It doesn’t have to be a big thing, just the small stuff, the small stuff always matters.

What you should never do is feed the fire.

To feed the fire is to fear the chance of change. 

For the Love of the Sox (Update)

Waiting for the series to start, the late nights, early mornings i mean its always worth it because its  “For the Love of the Sox” but this is the World Series.

It has finally come and passed, and we again win a World Series. 


I can tell you sitting on my couch for the series was very painful to watch. I got up basically every at bat, screaming at the tv, basically looking like i was about to actually  play the ball. I even got a couple of residents to knock on my door to make sure i was Ok.

“Ok” isn’t a thing with a championship on the line.

Even the continuous text message of how stressed i was, to the point where i believed i threatened to become a chain smoker was tossed about. This series was so beyond stressful i can not imagine what it was like in 2004.

To watch a season culminate in the World Series is like a New Years Eve Recap of the year. You remember where you were when the season started, what you were doing, who you were. For me, i started this year in grad school, working towards a Masters degree, struggling through the stresses of capstone. It was really emotional to say the least. AS the summer went on i looked for a job and after many “almost not quite’s” with job interviews, i began to worry. I began to worry i wasn’t cut out for my field that the degree was a fluke. That’s why the 2018 Boston Red Sox mean so much to me. They became something i attached to, and embodied through an entire calendar year .

So when that final out came, i had all the emotions come to my mind. Basically sat down an shed a couple of tears. I am kinda happy no one saw me. I was a mess. The boys won  it all and i got to watch it unfold like a storybook. Priceless.

As the parade goes by today online in my office, i think i can after so many months breathe a small sigh of relief. The stress of finding a job, the stress of winning a World Series. The doubt that i didn’t belong, the doubt of losing the championship.

It was all just was washed away.

I couldn’t have been happier. Like i said before the Sox are the toast of the town, Boston’s baby boys; and when they win, we win. Isn’t it a great thing to see?

You Can’t Help Everyone.

“Everyone is just waiting to be saved.”

I like to think that when someone is struggling, many would jump at the chance to step up and help them out. We feel like a hero, a great savior to the issue. Whenever in the future someone would need you, their first choice is yo without a doubt. This is what you would dream about.

It doesn’t always happen like this

Some will just be to far gone for you to do anything that can make a change noticeable, at least noticeable to you.

You should not feel as if the world is on your shoulders to play doctor, marriage counselor, or adviser to people who are in trouble or are suffering from something or someone. No one is Atlas, you can’t keep the sky from crashing into the world. The weight will push you into the ground, no matter how strong your stance is to hold the world up, and put you into the same position as those you are trying to help. Nullifying the rhyme and reason of your efforts. Its one of the hardest things to do, realizing you cant help everyone, but its a fact of life that needs to be taught. Even to those with the biggest hearts.

I never like letting people down, never have never will. 

What i had to learn the hard way is that you really cant help everyone. It is just too high of a bar to reach. By trying to help everyone you give up so much of yourself that sometimes cant be recognizable. I remember looking into the mirror one morning and i look at a shell of  a man that i once was. My hair was falling out, i looked like i gain 40 years and i wasn’t myself. What was i becoming? i was becoming drained of what i loved to do and it soon didn’t interest me, being the one that reaches out to help, anymore.  I realized that my stance wasn’t strong, my arms began to fault me, and i could hold the weight of the world on my shoulders anymore.  It began to hurt everything.

The realization of not being able to help everyone sucks. There will be times where you will have to be forced to watch your friends suffer. That’s ok, that is what this world is about.  Its what you do after o help them recover. This is not a story of giving up, its a story of how not to give in. Of course you should still reach out to help someone, of course you can play counselor, whats not ok is to go in it alone. You need back up, you need people who will pick you up when your stance fails you and your arms begin to become tired, and someone to help carry parts of the world on your shoulders with you. We get good people in this world who has your back, you might as well help them carry your load. In turn when they need help with their stance, their arms; you’ll be there to help carry part of their world off their shoulders.

Is that not that the best part of being human?


Taking Up What We Left Behind

As i write this it is the Eve of Homecoming at Merrimack College and many are excited to come home to a college where they grew up and became who they are today, i like you to imagine what alumni must let run through their minds when they see all the changes that have occurred over the years. This goes from the oldest returning members to the class of 2018.

Everything has changed.

What bothers me as many alumni will probably attest to is the feeling of uncertainty when they return. Do people miss me? Is my legacy in tact? Was i a good person in my times here? We wonder what we have left behind after graduation and we hope they have survived in a time capsule like state for us to relish once more. We want what was ours back but we know its someone else’s now.

The clubs you may have created, the ideas that were spoken for change, the actions you may have done, they are no longer yours anymore. Someone else has taken up the mantle and seized an opportunity that you have created. It wasn’t like this was going to be a surprise, some even picked who would take over. What the issue is; you have become obsolete in a way. Your ways have made way for new methods and ideologies and it seems you have nothing left to give.

But here is where it gets good

You were the trailblazer for what is now there for others. Your excitement, your passion, your ideas; it created what they have today. You were the risk taker when you asked to improve your fundraiser methods, you were the one that started the breaking of mental health stigmas, you were the one that got a entire school on their feet for a national title. You did so much for this place and it may feel like your memory has faded.

That’s not true.

Everything they do, your efforts are recognized again and again. So i guess Homecoming is basically one big encore/ second bow. So take that bow and enjoy a weekend where you’re a young student once again.

“Once again young, but only for a day”