We all have a weak spot for someone. A friend, a family member, or a lover. We all have that one person we’d wait for – the one who could get away with murder and we’d forgive them.
Me, I have weak spot syndrome – and maybe you do too. For me it’s never one person but rather, a list. A list of people who enter and exit my life on a whim and yet I am always thinking of them. A list of people who I care about unconditionally no matter how much they hurt me or say things behind my back. Yeah I have weak spot syndrome – but maybe you do too. So this letter is for you.
To the ones with weak spot syndrome. Know that you are loved. Know that there is someone out there who will love you like you deserve someday. Know that it will be hard to let toxic people go. Know that you won’t be able to let certain people go but you have to.
To the ones with weak spot syndrome. I get it but not everyone will.
I know what it’s like to wait for a call, a text, or any form of acknowledgement. I know what it’s like to hurt when you don’t get it. And 95% of the time you won’t get it – because some people these days don’t understand what it’s like when someone on your list is begging to be removed but you can’t let them go.
To the ones with weak spot syndrome, know that this kind of burn is good. This kind of hurt is good. This kind of pain is what you need – because one day you will be able to let that person or people go.
The Bachelor. Many of us have seen it. Some of us haven’t, but whether you have or have not there is no denying the popularity of the bachelor brand. So today I thought I’d jump on the band wagon and do a little listicle.
5 things “the bachelor” has taught me aboutgetting my man...
1. Every second counts: when faced with a game time scenario that time is yours. Seize the day to seize the guy.
In the bachelor we are quick to judge the girls that go back for seconds or thirds before others have gotten their fill. THIS IS NOT THANKSGIVING DINNER WITH YOUR FAMILIES LADIES. In this situation it’s time to act and act fast. When that first night comes around get after it. Show initiative by showing interest and take the time to get your time and get to know the guy you are out with.
2. Nurse your drink: when it comes to first dates most of them are bound to be awkward. But that doesn’t mean you can down three drinks and dance on the table.
Staying casual, composed, and interested (if it applies) should be the cornerstone rule of dating. And while this rule may not be possible for a room full of 30 girls chasing after one man – you are most likely not in a situation like that so stay cool and take it slow.
3. Look your best: ladies there are a lot of fish in that sea and while I am the first to skip makeup 5 out of 7 days a week dating is a meal best served with a side of “dayum I look good” so put your best foot forward. And whether that means mom jeans and a v neck or a full on gown and a full face of makeup well I’ll leave that up to you.
4. Don’t eat the food: (kidding!) back when I was 16 I went on my first date and as a precursor to that date I asked some friends for advice. One question I asked was about food… however, their advice to eat a salad or something that didn’t make me take my true form as a farm animal was not helpful.
When on a date in bachelor world you will notice that the girls don’t eat. This is apparently because filming takes so long that the food is out all day in gross conditions. It is for this reason that I would never survive the bachelor because my advice is to EAT LIKE NOBODY IS WATCHING
5. Be yourself: whether you are someone that dresses like a shark and calls yourself a dolphin or dresses like a princess and calls yourself “the BEAST” my best advice and the best lesson I learned from the bachelor is that you should always be yourself.
At the end of the day, whether you’re competing against 30 other women for one man or simply competing for the eye contact of one man trying to stare down your shirt – the most important thing to be is yourself because why? BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IS GOING TO DO IT FOR YOU. DUH.
The closing credits
So whether you watch the bachelor or you don’t. Whether you think it’s good tv or trash best served with a glass of wine and a side of used tissues (some of us are lonely ok). There is a lot to be learned from the experience of watching 30 women cat fight over a single man until they are ultimately sent home.
Growing up I took New Years as a sort of shooting star meets genie in a bottle. A single night to make a wish or three for the next 365 days to follow.
When I was younger (and more selfish than I am now) I used to wish for a first kiss, a first love, a first … Well the list goes on, but this year (the second or third where I didn’t even make it to midnight) I’m finding myself a different tune to sing.
This year I’m not making resolutions. 1- because they are bull sh** (no offense) and 2- because making a big elaborate promise to myself or a wish on a “shooting star” to get the guy or figure out who I am or invest in my 401k (which I will do… when I have the money) or even break bad habits isn’t something that should only manifest on one single day in a whole year.
I mean think about it. We wait a whole year, for one night, just to get drunk off our asses and ring in the new year with a bad hangover and hazy memories of the clock striking midnight. We stay up all night – way past my bed time – to test this sort of Cinderella effect where we prove or disprove that we can stay a princess for a couple more hours, or days, or weeks. We wait all year – where we are constantly evolving and growing and becoming the person we want to be, just to make a wish that we can skip the hard work and turn pumpkins into carriages over night. IT DOESN’T WORK THAT WAY.
And look I hate to be a cynic. (A little) but I’d also prefer to be a realist.
For me 2019 was one of the most challenging years of my life (and yes I’m young so it seems inconsequential but it’s not). BUT it was also the year where I grew the most. Challenged myself the most. Ended jobs and started new ones. Lost friends and made new ones. Searched for love when I didn’t understand how to love myself first. And yeah in a lot of ways, and form the outside looking in, you could say it sucked – and in some ways it did – but for me, while 2019 was not the best year of my life – it was exactly what I needed and no resolutions to get fit or get kissed did that… I did.
I don’t know if I believe in destiny, I don’t know if I believe in the big man in the sky, and I sure as hell don’t know if I believe in fate because that gets twisted real quick… what I do believe in though, is me.
I believe that 2020 could be the best year of my life but I don’t want it to be. I want it to be hard and frustrating and full of wins AND losses. And I’m not resolving to make any of this happen. I’m just going to feel it out day by day and make changes up as I go. Because Adulting and living aren’t about one night to define them all – they’re about a whole new year to write and re-write the narrative.
So here’s to 2020 and the promise to make no promises and take no prisoners.
Dear decade, this will be our last letter. The last time I say hello and you goodbye. The last time I try to comprehend what happened over the course of 9 years. And the first time I admit that, though none of it was perfect – all of it was what I needed.
Dear decade, the past nine years have been full of goodbyes, good mornings, and hello’s. It’s been filled with – “nice to meet you”s and “sorry to see you go”s.
In the past decade I became an adult – a real full fledged adult. I’ve graduated high school and college and my masters. I’ve started a blog and now a clothing line to go with it (got that one in right under the wire). I moved away from home, stayed in touch with old friends and lost touch with new ones. I gave speeches and monologues and rants and (yeah I talked a lot).
But I gave up a lot too.
I said goodbye to my father – and the dreams that come with having one. I lost the man to walk me down the aisle and dance with me at my wedding.
But through it all I didn’t give up hope.
I said hello to new dreams. Cheered family on through weddings and graduations and babies being born. I persevered through pain and I fought my biggest enemy (myself)
So decade, I guess you could say I did ok. I made it through. I had victories and losses and championship moments that I wouldn’t give up for the world. Yeah I guess you could say I did it – we – did it. We made it through. And decade, that’s all either of us could have asked for.
So you did it. You done f’ed up. You texted or called or tweeted or snapped that one person you shouldn’t have – and they RESPONDED. S***. Now what?
Step 1 : remain calm. Don’t overthink it. Maybe it’s an ex and you’re feeling the post holiday “why are you single conversations” maybe you just wanted to talk to someone familiar. It’s ok. It’s normal to want that.
Step 2 : keep it casual. Resist the urge to make plans. Don’t agree to coffee or a call. Just go with the flow and wish that person well.
Step 3 : the exit. Try something like. “It was nice to hear from you” or since it’s the holidays “wish your family a happy holidays for me.” Then leave it at that.
Step 4 : the rehab. Coming back from a convo with an ex is hard and it’s exhausting sometimes. Take some time to bow out. Or spend time with family. Let yourself live in it for a bit – then let it go. (Easier said than done)
Look at the end of the day we all just want to remain connected to people. Social media makes this easy but it also makes it easy to get caught up in the drama of “what is he/she up to” and “I wonder if they’re thinking about me too”. But at the end of it all we need to take care of ourselves and the ones who are still in our lives first.
Take care of yourself this holiday season and remember that the people who are in your life are lucky to be there just like you are lucky to be present in their lives. And if you are home try not to get caught up in your past by digging it up.
In other words keep your friends close and your block list waaaaaay out of reach.
So about a week ago, after watching a rom com I started writing a post that was nothing short of crazy cat lady crazy. (Not to worry, I culled the crazy)
In this post, I talked about love and how it was the princes that I haven’t kissed were the ones I regretted more than the frogs I had. I talked about unrequited love and how our lives are defined by the chances we don’t take when it comes to love.
BUT – it wasn’t until my car ride home from work the next day that I realized why I had cat lady spiraled – ok maybe not a reason, but at the very least it was a much more constructive way of writing in which I didn’t confess an undying love that only occurs to me when I am lonely (aka not love but loneliness).
Thus I GIVE YOU (drumroll) … The problem with love in my generation.
See in my generation it seems that we have “love” or rather “lust” at our fingertips. If we are lonely we swipe, bored? We swipe, in need of human intimacy? You guessed it. We cue up the options and swipe our way into someone’s bed.
Today it’s easier than ever to find someone for whatever you need in the moment. But the problem with this? It doesn’t last. And that isn’t just because someone’s bio takes away the romance or the mystery of meeting someone on the street or at a bar. It’s because that craving for someone to love or lust us takes away from the one thing the internet can’t immediately gratify.
TODAY WE LACK THE ABILITY TO LOVE OURSELVES FIRST – and no ladies I’m no talking about the Hailee Steinfeld song kind of “love yourself” I’m talking no likes no views see yourself in the mirror and dig what you see before you ask some guy or girl to validate.
Look at the end of the day validation is great. But kissing frogs and finding princes/princesses doesn’t do a damn thing if you can’t find yourself first.
The problem with my generation is that love isn’t like the movies and while getting caught up in the theatrics every once in a while is great it doesn’t fix the problem. The problem that we don’t give ourselves enough love or honest communication to ever give it to someone else.
These days were caught up in trying not to be lonely that we make a lot of wrong turns. Some of us end up in short term marriages, some in abusive relationships and others well those lucky little craps find something real. At the end of the day it comes down to luck and love – not luck for finding someone or love of someone but luck and love in knowing and loving ourselves.
Graduating college comes with a personal loss. While there is an excitement to graduating, many of us mourn the transition into the new life we are meant to live.
So how do we survive life after life? How do we transition from the life we know into the life we were meant to live.
Until recently I didn’t understand why people live at home after they graduate. Other than the practicality and genius of saving money rather than jumping into the real world – living at home seems to present a kind of common comfort as we (as adults) transition into our new lives.
But while many move home, I cannot speak to that experience. For me, when I graduated, my survival was dependent on diving into a new reality… and by that I mean that I coped by maintaining a sense of comfort and similarity. For me I didn’t go “home” but I clung to the new home that I had made for myself.
After graduating undergrad chose to go back to school. This was my survival technique. I picked up grad classes at the place I had gone to undergrad, stayed on the Track team for one more year and clung to every ounce of sameness that I could.
Let me set the record straight – surviving life (post grad) isn’t easy, but if it was it wouldn’t be worth it.
After graduating grad school last May I crashed a little but luckily I found new life in Maine “in the pines” where I was able to find myself again and build enough confidence to get a new job and move back to my home in Massachusetts.
Now I have a great job, some solid friends and a new outlook on adulting.
For me, surviving post grad has been a whirlwind, and for you it will be different. It won’t be easy, it will be expensive, and at times you will lose sight of who you thought you were – but that is exactly what life after life is all about.
Moral of the story – I can’t give you the perfect answer on “how to survive life” not after college, not through the winter, and not after a bad breakup. But what I can do – I can tell you that you will make it and that it will be worth it. So for now – don’t worry, enjoy the moment, and strive to be nothing less than you.
At 23 I have already perfected the art of settling. I have a good job, good friends, money in the bank and food in the cupboard. I have some stuff I don’t need and almost all the things I do.
From the outside looking in some might be jealous, some would criticize my apparent lack of gratitude, and others would chose not to care. From the outside looking in you would assume I’m happy – and I should be – but I’m not.
But why?
Well, Im quickly realizing that the problem with having a good job at 23 is that both ourselves and the world assume that we should be grateful. But if you know you deserve more out of life a good job can feel a lot more like a bad boyfriend (partner). Where you know the relationship is toxic but you’re grateful for the opportunity to be valued and loved. And isn’t that exactly what settling is? Being grateful but knowing that something isn’t right?
At this point in my life I can’t say I pushed for many of the opportunities that have come my way. And it isn’t that I haven’t worked hard on this that or the other, but at the same time 9/10 times I didn’t ask to end up where I am – I just shrugged and said yes. And until recently I’ve come to think that this was normal. That, this is how we adult, this is how we grow up. But it’s not is it?
To break it down: a post grad perspective of what I assumed life after college and grad school was supposed to look like…
We find a job, count ourselves lucky, take it graciously, settle in to daily routines and then, like an arranged marriage we expect and hope that we will fall in love with what we do. (This situation more often applies to people who don’t know exactly what they want to do out of school or don’t end up working somewhere like Disney or Google or Pinterest or what have you) And for a lot of people, or at least the ones I follow, the jobs they have found after graduating have seemed to click. These people for whatever reason seem (externally at least) happy. And of course, maybe this isn’t true or maybe it is – but on behalf of those who are struggling to love what we do and those looking at their job like a relationship they’ve settled into – I don’t think that this is what life is meant to be about.
So yeah, at 23 I’ve all but perfected the art of settling – or at least it feels that way. And for a lot of things and a lot of reasons I should be grateful and I should count myself lucky. But I guess the problem with that is that when you know you deserve better and when you know you can be so much more – the post grad gratefuls can feel a lot more like post grad grumpies and for me, that’s not something I ever dreamed of doing.
Through my national service, I’ve learned that service is more than the day-to-day of what your site asks for. Service is building relationships, increasing morale, and creating a legacy; it’s learning more about yourself.
(Picture from healthpsychtam.com)
As AmeriCorps Leaders, we try our best to make the most positive impact on our host sites and on the people we serve through them. We spend time training and learning how to provide for our communities but it’s important to not let ourselves get burnt out.
At my site, the faculty and staff periodically host socials where we can check in with one another and try to have a sense of humor when construction at school gets disruptive. Just the other day, the Missoula Alliance Church came to one of these socials and gave us all free lattes to help keep our energy levels up as we engage with middle schoolers. It’s the little things that help us ground ourselves amidst hectic times.
Other than free lattes, I have a few tactics I use to assist me in maintaining my mental health:
1. Practicing gratitude and meditation: This has aided me in my ability to help myself when I’m alone at my site. Breaths are like little love notes to your body so letting yourself breathe is a good start to your self-care routine. The same goes for gratitude, reminding yourself why you are here, how you got here, and what good you have in your life can make a bad day more manageable. There is so much to be grateful for!
2. If you are an outdoorsy person like me, hiking can create healing: I go on hikes when I’m not serving to help me relax. Hiking allows me to exercise, access more companionship, and take in good ole’ Vitamin D. It provides a space where I can just let nature nurture me.
3. Write down what you feel: In AmeriCorps (especially as leaders) we are encouraged to journal about our experiences. This can be quite cathartic. It gets our thoughts and our struggles out of our heads and onto paper making everything much more manageable.
4. Reach out: You are never alone so please don’t be afraid to reach out to those around you in an appropriate manner (do have boundaries for yourself and respect people’s limits). It can be hard to start service and not have a big social circle right away. I’ve found that joining MeetUp groups and talking to other leaders can be great ways to start building friendships.
5. Remember, everyone is different: It’s okay if none of these techniques work for you, just remember that your mental health matters! Not only is it incredibly challenging to help others without helping yourself, but your physical health can actually start to deteriorate when your mental health is poor. Stress weakens your immune system, so finding ways to achieve both basic and luxurious self-care is super vital for your service work and personal life.
Each time you eat one piece of it (or fulfill one part of it), you get to have another piece. Needs-fulfillment pie is possibly even better than regular pie (stay with me here) because when you finish it, you feel rejuvenated instead of lethargic and too full to move. In my experience, as long as you have a balance with your service work and your self-improvement work, you’ll never be too full; rather, whole.
Here are some resources that have helped me and maybe they can help you! I’m mental health first aid certified and I want share things I actually use/listen to/read regularly:
And as always call:1-800-273-8255or text 741741, and look up resources in your area with this link: https://twloha.com/find-help/. You are loved, valued, and never alone. I hope this article helps you or someone
PS. I originally posted this on Montana Campus Compact’s website and it helped a lot of peoplesoI thought that it would be fitting for myfirst post here !!
So I guess the most confusing part of my sport is that – when the gun fires, we don’t stop, we go. When the clock starts, we run, we throw, we decide when to start the jump, the throw, the race – and then we decide what line to finish on and whether or not we want to keep our mark – or scratch it.
In my sport, we don’t have a final buzzer. We leave the end open- ended and because of this… well maybe that is why I can’t see an end to what I feel as though I barely started.
I Never Saw It In A Dream – But it Became Real
Five years ago – I didn’t dream of being here. I never imagined that I would be good enough to be where I am. But, I also never thought it would hurt this much to leave.
When your race ends, you walk away. In 5 years I have watched countless people walk away when it was their time to, but I never thought that watching them walk meant losing what it meant to be a part of a true and cohesive team.
One Team – No Longer a Dream
Three years ago I was part of a team, one that cheered and pushed and expected things of one another. Three years ago I was part of something bigger than myself, but today it just feels like I’m chasing that feeling like a dream deferred.
Does it dry up like a raisin in the sun? Or fester like a sore— And then run? Does it stink like rotten meat? Or crust and sugar over— like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?
PoetryFoundation.org
We all know the feeling of a dream deferred. The feeling of watching something you love slip through your finger tips like the string of a balloon leaving your hand at a crowded park with no one to save it as it flies away.
I never thought of Track and Field as my dream deferred – I never thought of it as something that could turn sour, but today, as I watch something rot and crust and sag – I realize that this love, like all others in my life have blinded me to how broken it is.
I Cannot and Do Not Win Without Them – And THIS is why We Do Not Win at all.
People assume that Track is a solo sport – It isn’t, but then again you cannot spell “Field” without “I” and I often feel that the Field part of Track and Field is forgotten – so maybe it fits. Because some times outside of my squad I feel like an I in a crowd of we’s.
It’s funny though.
The word team doesn’t have “I” in it – but if you re-arrange the letters it can say “ME”. And when I realize that, it gets me thinking how “We” turned into “Me” and “me” turned into a losing battle against myself.
A No Win Situation
Most days I ask questions I shouldn’t, ones that lead my coach to tell me to keep my nose out of it. But I personally cannot sit on my hands and be happy when this is not the team I signed up for.
AND I AM NOT ALONE
These are My Confessions
Today I am stuck. I am stuck watching people suffer because the sport they fell in love with is pushing them away as quickly as it held them close and honestly, I never thought it would be like that because two or three years ago it wasn’t.
Today I’m stuck. Stuck watching some fall to over confidence and others fail by not believing in themselves.
Today I’m waiting for something I used to have. Questioning if it was ever real in the first place and wondering if team is made by bonds among friends or by coaches who refused to take our shit.
Today I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of washed up and irrelevant, but tomorrow everything could change.
In Other Sports
In other sports we are made to stop when the buzzer fades, when the teams walk off the court – but in my sport we decide when to cross the finish line and while I can see mine inching closer, I still have too much to do to admit that it’s over.
In other sports they leave everything on the court, but in my sport I take control and me? I’ve just begun.
i like to think that we rely on our friends advice more than we do our own parents and sometimes sound logic. It trends in different directions depending on what we want or what the situation entails, and we always end up asking for advice. i like to think that i give decent advice when someone asks me what to do or what to ask someone, but i cant help but think that sometimes its either gibberish coming from my brain or something actually made sense to someone else (which always pleasantly shocks me).
Its seems like i seek out those who may need assistance all the time time when in fact i tend to find myself at the base of an issue that i may have heard about but never acted upon. Advice can be helpful but when the adviser is over bearing then the knowledge goes down the drain. To be giving advice you have to be in a good place and have a little bit of knowledge. When i give advice, i try to ask questions to make sure i don’t just say something that makes no reference to the conundrum. i have been burnt many a times when giving advice that wasn’t relevant anymore. These questions are critical when it comes to giving advice. The more you know the better luck you have with saying something right.
I just hope when i give advice, i am actually making someones life better and actually assisting them with their worries and quarrels. There will be times where i don’s get it right or the advice is not heeded to the full extent and its a realization that sometimes even with advice, you have to let people solve it themselves. What i have learned in the past is that there have been times where people relied on me for help and i have been at a loss for words, being to afraid to give them the hard truth or the soft lie, indecisive words event with a decisive mind. i try to map my words out in the seconds i have yet they get lost on the way to my vocal chords. I have tried to just say what i think in recent memory with very little thought to how i feel. If someone is asking for my help, the most i can do is give my two cents to their situation.
At the end of the day, i can only give advice and its up to the person receiving it to make the final call. Its hard to give advice that you feel is accurate to the situation but to them it could mean all the difference in their final actions. I just hope that some of my words make it to the proverbial wall of words that create a sense of direction in this crazy world.
Awkward n' Adulting 
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