Awkward and Abroading

What They Won’t Tell You About Studying Abroad

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Spoiler: It’s Not One Huge Vacation

With the increasing popularity of studying abroad in today’s day and age, it would be safe to claim that every twenty-something year old knows at least one person who went abroad. It’s a college staple at this point– especially within the social media hype of the century. Everyone can view the world at their fingertips, which is why so many young people are drawn to these foreign countries to experience for themselves. Traveling is the new craze among millennials, and honestly, if you ask me, it’s been a long time coming. Traveling is something that nobody will ever regret or say anything bad about. Seriously, nothing bad can really come from travel, as every single travel experience brings something new to be learned.

I guess that’s why I was so drawn to Australia. I remember seeing people post at the opera house and with sea turtles at the Great Barrier Reef even in high school, and instantly wanted to go. Not going to lie to any of you though, I was extremely nervous. So nervous, that if you had asked me if I was going to go abroad 6 months ago, I would have told you that you were out of your mind. You see, I am in love with my college. I have school pride washed over me in every aspect, and I am so confident that I made the right choice in terms of my schooling. Merrimack College has introduced me to quite literally the best people I know, and has transformed me as a person. It is my comfort zone, my familiarity in every regard. Which is why I knew in my heart that it would be best to try this crazy experience out. After all, everyone that I spoke to regarding this matter said that it would be the most incredibly worthwhile experience that I could ever engage myself with.

But shortly after saying a tearful goodbye to my family at Logan Airport mid January, I was slapped with the harsh reality that nobody has ever said that this journey would be easy. Seriously, how many people do you know that have moved themselves across the world for any period of time? I can guarantee you that NONE of them would EVER say that it could be considered easy. And if they somehow have the audacity to claim that, they are lying to you.

I’m very lucky to live the life that I do. I grew up in a happy household, with parents who gave my siblings and I the world, and an extended family that I remain very close to. I go to the perfect school, and consider myself good friends with many, many people. I’ve always had people on my side, cheering me on within everything that I do. I’ve never had to go into anything completely on my own. Even moving into Merrimack, I was fortunate enough to know my roommate from prior events and to have someone to experience all of the “new” with.

But I didn’t have that here. I flew on each flight by myself, filled out the housing form alone, and quite literally did the damn thing by myself. I had no close friends by my side. I just had my two suitcases, my journal, and every bit of life and familiarity that I could cram within those things. And I’m going to be upfront with you all, it was rough.

Because not only do you have to start over somewhere completely new and foreign, you have to fend for yourself. You cook for yourself, are responsible for taking complete care of yourself, budget your own money and your own time, and have to work damn hard to be the best version of yourself with quite literally no form of familiarity. You’re not only here for traveling and immersion, you’re here to live your best life, just as you would at home. And that doesn’t seem hard, but it sure as hell is when school starts back up again and all of your friends are still going on with their lives, just as they would with you there.

Absence really does make the heart grow fonder, and that was another harsh truth that I realized the moment I got here. You don’t realize the true value of your individual relationships for everything that they are until you’re waking up at the crack of dawn to call your cousin on her 5pm commute home from work, or forcing yourself (or some of your friends) to stay up into the late hours of the night to catch up. You realize within these small hours who really has your back and who doesn’t. The people who go out of their way to speak to you every day makes a world of difference and shows you quite literally who has your back more than anybody (you know who you are). I guess I have moving across the Asian pacific to thank for showing me who my truest friends are, but then again, I also have the country itself that I chose to thank me for that.

Nobody ever said that in the midst of my loneliness and heartache upon arriving that I would be introduced and/or become closer to quite literally some of the best and most interesting people I have ever met in my life. Here, in the peak stages of ultimate vulnerability, like souls will gravitate. Some souls will have lived within yards of you at your own college for years, and some will come from all across the world. But you all have your interests and emotions and values to compare and contrast, and that’s where the best of friendships form. You’ll meet people who you care so deeply about and love dearly within a few short months. When settled, you’ll develop a longing in your heart to live perfectly as you are, with these like souls, as happy as can be, forever.

Not a lot of people will probably tell you that you’ll more likely than not fall in love, either. Only this time, it might not with a person. It’ll be with the world, the country that you hand picked to transform, challenge, and grow your entire being. Traveling can be ugly, traveling within these countries even can resonate some harsh truths with your mind. But in the middle of the ugly, traveling is simultaneously the most beautiful thing that anyone can ever do. It fills your heart to the brim with the best kind of love for the most beautiful of places, and shows you everything you need to know about yourself. It matures your heart and your mind, it teaches you more about yourself than any classroom or experience could ever teach you. As you live and thrive on your own, you realize you have everything to thank the country you gave a little bit of your life to. And that, in and of itself, is enough to make anyone fall in love with both the country and yourself.

Would I change anything I have done these past two months, any place I’ve been to, any person I’ve met, and any experience that I will have within these next five weeks for the world? Absolutely not. I will be the first person to advocate for a semester abroad for anybody. But will I tell you that the whole thing is sunshine, rainbows, beaches, and parties? Never. You’re here to do life. And life isn’t pretty, never will be. But it most certainly will always be worth it.


Kevin at a Desk

What it means to be Irish-American

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Quick history lesson:

Many Irish immigrants came over in due part to the work that was available, the brutal Irish Potato famine, and other numerous groups fleeing the mostly unwelcome British rule over the course of some 300 plus years. Coming to America was not always the easiest of choices to be made, many of the immigrants left everything and everyone to try and have a chance at a new life. There was an old saying when you left for America; the last night everyone saw you, it was basically a “Walking funeral” because many people would not see you ever again. Men, women, and yes even children made the long oceanic journey over the “pond”. Once they got here, didn’t always end well. Irish Americans were demonized and treated with terrible life conditions and anti Irish sentiment, including the infamous signs that read ” No Irish Need apply”. Even with all these issues, the Irish still found a way to thrive, helping build the west, and being one of the major keys to modern America (well at least the good parts). Irish Americans went above the prejudice and still found a way to make a living. So much so there was even and Irish American President elected in 1960.

Now that March has rolled around yet again and that means one thing to many people: Saint Patricks day.

Yes the disgusting green beer is flowing, all the people in the world claim they are .0000001% Irish so its their holiday, and the really dumb drunk people saying they can ” drink soooo much because i got that Irish drinking skill”. Anytime these comments pop up in a conversation, i get absolutely disgusted because they are just reiterating old statements that actually have no relevance. Like congrats you know a stereotype that you don’t even get.

There is so much more to being Irish than just the Americanized binge drinking and other nonsense. First off, drinking in Ireland and in Irish culture is not a way of getting drunk as we plan on doing on St Patricks day. Its a way to socialize, to celebrate and create a welcoming and friendly environment for those to meet new people celebrate life and settle debts. Its not just about the leprechauns running in the hills of four leaf clovers and pots of gold that lay at the end of an imaginary rainbow. These things that have been characterized and created as satirical have now leaked into the truth and have created an alternative back story.

So what am i trying to get at?

The real meaning of being an Irish American.

Being Irish is being prideful of the ancestors who were some of the toughest people history recounts. From fighting the famine to fighting for independence from the British Invasion, the descendants of the Irish immigrants have fight in our blood. It has not always been easy for us, so saying your something without understanding the strife and issue we have tackled makes me sick. I get that you’re trying to play off of a holiday and not being too offensive but at the same time i cant stand when treat this holiday as the sole representation of the entire culture of Irish Americans and the Irish culture as a whole.

Irish Americans are hard working individuals that have been working for all their lives, and in the jobs that might not have been always ideal but made a dollar to support the family. They started from the bottom of the food chain to reach a standard of being considered an average American. Irish Americans may have been beaten and battered but they never broke, and they never will. Sometimes too stubborn for their own good, yet wise beyond their years that sometimes got them in trouble yet would get them out in a heartbeat. Loving and caring that mades its genes giddy with the luck. The Irish American was and will always be a person of great integrity but never cross their way with words you cant back up. The Irish American is much more than one holiday out of the calendar They are a population that is true to who they are. Even as the generations of immigrants have children and grand children, the sentiment has been passed onwards to keep your head down and work, be prideful of who they are and to make sure they are always making things better, never worse for the next guy.

i am an Irish American grand child, grandparents came over in the 1920’s during a lot of the anti irish sentiment and yet i exist because they had the dream to make it in America. They had a dream, came here , and passed down the dream to my father and he passed it down to me.

Being an Irish American descendant has lead me to believe a lot of my personality traits come from. Im stubborn to the point where i get red in the face, i keep a good morale compass and i stick up for who i think deserves it. I think a lot of other things i do, and many of my friends have noted, draws upon my heritage just as many of us do. One of the things that have bothered me over the years of learning about my heritage is seeing all the anti Irish sentiment and hearing about stories. Hearing the things they would do, how the cops use to ’round them up in the “Paddy wagon”. I think even vermin would sometimes be treated better than Irish Americans.

However, dwelling on the past without a plan for the future is fruitless. The stories i have heard encourages me to be welcoming of those looking for a new place here in the United States, amending an injustice in my opinion. What i think today being an Irish American is to be the difference, welcome the new potential citizens and create an environment that is helping them achieve their dreams of starting a new life. We as descendants or Irish immigrants should not beat the next person down the ladder as history shows us, if anything we should be helping them up each rung and breaking the cycle. I know thats what my grandparents would have wanted.

So when you start drinking on St Paddy’s day, take a moment to think about what the Irish in America went through. it doesn’t have to be anything deep or self punishing, but take a moment to remember that this part of America, this party of her heritage is more than the green beer and telling the cute guy at the bar that you’re Irish. Think about all the strong Irish men and women ( trust me the women are a hell of a lot stronger than you think, but thats another post) who added to American culture and had an impact on the world It doesn’t even have to be someone famous, i know i wont thinking about a famous person. Ill be thinking of two other people.

Just two people who make me proud to be Irish.

The Human Alexa, The Life and Times

Why children are the best hype team you could ever ask for

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need a quick self-esteem boost? hang out in an elementary school for a day

Think I’m joking?  Let me tell you a bit about what I experience at my job…

To start, kids see everything.  And believe it or not, they understand everything too.  It may be in a different way than adults, but they understand.

And they REMEMBER.

Upon first meeting, you might be greeted with a “whoa, you’re really pretty,” and “wait, how are you not married?? You’re so pretty!” and so the first few minutes of the school day turn into life lesson time.

After that, they’ll ALWAYS comment when you change your hair, or your nail color, or wear different shoes, or get a new sweater (or wear the same one two weeks in a row – oops).  But they will also always tell you how much they love having you around.

Seriously, they’ll always compliment you.  It might be 30 seconds after they threw a pair of scissors at you, but they’ll do it.  How many of your adult friends do that??

(hopefully none of them throw things at you.  if they do, please find new friends).

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When you’re absent for just a day and you come back to swarms of “where were you?” “why didn’t I see you” and “I missed you!” And when they see you leaving for the day they holler from across the room “bye! I love you!”

From time to time, they’ll call you ‘mom’ or ‘dad,’ and get embarrassed when they realize their mistake.  Just last week I had a first grade girl call me ‘mom’ by accident, and when she noticed, she just said “well I love you like I love my mom, so same thing, right? anyway can you help me read this word?”
Unphased.

Sometimes they’ll just tell you they want you to be their mom instead of who they have now.  Then you need to discuss how they love their mom and just wish for you to be in their lives, which you MUST promise you will be ‘forever and ever’ before turning back to the task at hand.

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Or when you get to work with your hair up and no makeup because you just couldn’t get out of bed in time that morning, and a student says to you “how do you look so gorgeous today?” and you cant help but smile.

Because they aren’t just your normal friends being polite, they genuine believe it.

Maybe there’s that preschooler who ALWAYS asks to see what color your coffee is (because that one time you brought in matcha tea and it was green, her face was absolutely priceless).  And eventually they notice when you come in lacking said coffee cup, and ask if you need to go run out and get one before we start class because they know how much you love it (and how it keeps you ‘happy’).  So the sarcastic first grader offers to watch your class this morning while you run to the coffee shop – as if you’d let him be in charge for but a second.

When they use their free time to write you a book (with only pictures, of course) but their face lights up with pride when you smile and ‘read’ it with them.

Do your adult friends write/draw you personalized picture books for fun?  No?  Hmm.

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Or when you finally change out of that sweater and wear colorful clothing, your whole day is filled with 2nd graders saying “I like your pants, I like your shoes.” They, naturally, start mimicking each other so you end up with 15 kids spending 3 whole minutes of class just telling you how much they like your outfit.

When they see you in the morning and their tiny little legs wind up and start running over to you, huge smile across their face, and you brace for them to ram into you in an attempt at a big hug.
How many of your adult friends give you running start hugs so you can embrace and lift them off the ground, all while giggling like it’s the best thing that’s happened to them all week?

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With my job, some days I have to be a caring mom.
Some days, I have to be the strict mom.
Some days, I have to be the typical teacher and make them actually learn a thing or two.
Some days, I have trouble getting out of bed so early in the morning, to wear one of these hats for 25+ children, that aren’t even my own.
But by week 2, they feel like my own, and they make me want to get up every day.

They have their tantrums, and defiant moments.
They have their sick days and sneeze on your face.

But they never fail to do some small thing, a small act of kindness, a small sentence or the tiniest hint of showing you how much they love you.

You – their surrogate parent.
You – their caretaker for almost 10 months of the year.
You – the one they come to and listen to and love with their little hearts, because they know you love them right back.
You – who knew you wouldn’t be able to get through they day without at least one of them making you crack a smile.

Because as much as we love our adult friendships, working with children gives you the most adorable, no-strings attached hype team for life.

And I think we could all stand to learn a bit about this kindness and love from the tiny humans.

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

JustRachel

A letter to my Father

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Dear dad

Yesterday I turned 23 and for the first time in a while my birthday wasn’t a reminder of you getting diagnosed. For the first time in a long time it wasn’t the 3 month mark of hitting another year without you. For the first time in a long time I was able to just be happy and love where I am.

Dear dad,

I miss you. I miss you everyday. But this year I have been making the kinds of choices that you would be proud of. I have been working harder and smarter and taking better care of my body because I want to live a long enough life to give you the journeys you missed by leaving us so young.

Dear dad,

Yesterday I turned 23 and I wish you were there. I wish you could have seen all the love and joy that surrounded me. I wish you could have seen the incredible people I surround myself with because if you could, you would be so proud.

Dear dad,

Today I compete in my last winter track meet and as my college athletic career comes to a close this year, I simply could not be more grateful for all it and you have given me by allowing me to be your daughter.

Dear dad,

Thank you for the best present a person could ask for. Thank you for giving me the strength to be the woman you raised me to be and thanks for showing me that love is earned and deserved rather than simply given.

Dear dad,

I’m 23 – and it’s crazy.

Dear dad, I love you. And I can’t wait to show you what I have left in store for this final stretch of this chapter in my life.

This year I’m gonna make you proud but you know what else? This year I’m gonna make myself proud too.

JustRachel

Family Finds You

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I have spent most of my life thinking I wasn’t good enough. That cool was something I could fabricate through looks and pop culture references. That I would never be or understand what it was like to be in the “in crowd”.

This is not to say I didn’t have a army of people who loved me. I did. But in school and outside of my summer escape to Maine I felt completely and utterly alone. During those years I felt hopeless and there was no way out of that darkness but then, 5 years ago I met my tribe.

And while I have never forgotten what it felt like to feel so on the outside you couldn’t breathe through the loneliness I have had the opportunity to find that hope I lost so long ago.

WE ARE NOT ALONE

Often I tend to internalize my fears and insecurities so, for a while, I never imagined I’d meet someone who knew what that feeling was like, but recently I did.

Most of us have that one friend that has no clue how amazing they are. That person that is gorgeous inside and out and is clueless of how rare that quality is. I have a lot of friends like that but for me, those are the best people to surround ourselves with.

MY TRIBE IS YOUR TRIBE

Recently a new person joined my tribe and while she may not know it yet – there are people that come into our lives that save us from ourselves when we need it most. People who care to listen and to help without expecting anything in return. And while she may come to think that we are trying to be that person for her, she is already that person for us.

THANKS FOR SAVING US

Without realizing it, having this new person in my little family has completely changed how we all act and see the world. It has saved us from our monotony added new comedy to old jokes and made us appreciate the simple times that we can spend together.

So to you. The person and people who have no idea how amazing you are, and to all the people brave enough to join me and my tribe on our journey, welcome. And consider this your official letter of acceptance to BDE U.

Kevin at a Desk

Going Home

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I went home to where it all began

Where i grew up, once nothing more than a kid

Once belonged with a group of kids who accidentally became adults

The joys of growing old and sadness of changes in the wind

We saw the plans for the walls to change over time and wanted to believe they build a gate to let us in

Yet i have come home and everything has changed, the locks are different and the lights are on

The people no longer welcome me to their tables

Conversations seem like i am trying to keep them hostage

No longer am i a made man, no longer a person but a feral animal

i am a legend of the halls, a bronze statue of not so long ago

Sometimes when i see those who i have raised, they raze me

Thrown away like the newspaper but hey, at least i get to go in the recycle .

This home no longer feels like it was ever mine, only a pocket full of time and memories that seem to have slipped through a hole in my jeans

As i leave i can hear the gates closing before i am even out of range

Guess coming home was my going away party

Too bad i never got the invite in the mail

The Global Citizen

Languages of Love In The Time of Unrest

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Love, Amor, Yêu , Leibe.

What do all of these have in common?

They are displays of emotion. Care. Comforting.

It is natural for us as human beings to want to find it.

To be entrapped by it, surrounded by it’s warmth, yet the pursuit of it scares us to death.

The words themselves in question are able to bring anxiety, great pride, or even create a bridge towards a beautiful tomorrow. However, the power of love doesn’t truly come in the form of the words themselves. Actions speak louder than words.

As a young man who’s had the incredible privilege to travel to many different countries, I get to see how truly amazing and loving people are.

Actions of love transcend any barrier of language. Each country I’ve gone to has taken me in with open arms, whether or not I look like a local or the prized foreigner.

All across the world, people are warm, caring, charming. As simplified by the phrase “A La Orden” in Coastal Colombia. It translates to, at your service. I don’t want to go in depth into each of my experiences, but just to summarize, each country shares their best selves with the visitor, always caring and ensuring that you are having a great time, if you are comfortable, you are at home.

Back home at Merrimack, it was the smallest gestures of kindness during the cold winter days or blistering summer days, a random meal swipe by a classmate who’s name you don’t remember, a door being held open by someone you’ve never met, the long car rides to and from the pitch darkness of I-95, the deep talks over card games, and the tears shared over solidarity in weakness.

In Ireland, it was on a random night. We had a classmate who wandered off, and with the help of a security guard from our favorite bar, were able to find the classmate in a country in which we just arrived into.

In Nicaragua, it was the comfort of sharing a meal with the hosts which took us in at Mustard Seed Community and the love of the children who had nothing but smiles and hugs to offer to us outsiders.

In Vietnam, it’s the constant hospitality and efforts to speak English when people do not understand Vietnamese, the constant need to help and go give 110% despite not even knowing your name.

And now here in Colombia, every person on the street will offer to help you, each person on the street will greet you, ask you how you are, and finally, offer their home to you as a shelter during a storm or a hot day.

Love, in all forms, is something that is missing in today’s world. We cherish it so deeply, and share it and make it seem almighty and powerful, display it on full blast via our news sources, as a silver lining in what seems like a never ending storm. After hours and hours of news of war, hunger, poverty, hatred, there’s always a small snippet of people doing good, people loving each other. As if this sliver of hope is supposed to let us carry on until the next time we are fed this great news.

As the Beatles once sang, “All You Need Is Love”, while that might not be entirely true, it is a step towards a better world, one in which we can create stronger relationships and allow ourselves to define our humanity by what brings us together, rather what divides While there is still hate in our world, love has the ability to prevail. Sure, this doesn’t really help people’s perception of me as a “flower child” and a person who is naive. But I would rather be naive than cold and jaded. I find comfort in believing in a cup half full rather than convincing myself that the cup is half empty.

There’s a great childhood story about “Warm and Fuzzies” that is incredibly near and dear to my heart. It revolves around the theme of people being scared to love, scared to give themselves to others without reservation. Love costs nothing, but can be priceless to others going through a hard time. Any small action could create a ripple effect, to become a ray of sunshine on someone’s cloudy day, to inspire, to give hope. Love doesn’t have to be romantic. It’s innate in all of us, we were born to love, yet taught to be cautious and nervous. With many things, rather than to let society and media mold us and take away what makes us so special, let’s take it back into our hands. Let’s care for one another, love, and do what we can for our fellow brothers and sisters.

This Valentine’s day, maybe for us not being involved in romantic love, maybe we can start to learn the greatest love of all, the love for our fellow human, and learn to love them as we hopefully love ourselves.

Kevin at a Desk

Can i give you some advice?

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i like to think that we rely on our friends advice more than we do our own parents and sometimes sound logic. It trends in different directions depending on what we want or what the situation entails, and we always end up asking for advice. i like to think that i give decent advice when someone asks me what to do or what to ask someone, but i cant help but think that sometimes its either gibberish coming from my brain or something actually made sense to someone else (which always pleasantly shocks me).

Its seems like i seek out those who may need assistance all the time time when in fact i tend to find myself at the base of an issue that i may have heard about but never acted upon. Advice can be helpful but when the adviser is over bearing then the knowledge goes down the drain. To be giving advice you have to be in a good place and have a little bit of knowledge. When i give advice, i try to ask questions to make sure i don’t just say something that makes no reference to the conundrum. i have been burnt many a times when giving advice that wasn’t relevant anymore. These questions are critical when it comes to giving advice. The more you know the better luck you have with saying something right.

I just hope when i give advice, i am actually making someones life better and actually assisting them with their worries and quarrels. There will be times where i don’s get it right or the advice is not heeded to the full extent and its a realization that sometimes even with advice, you have to let people solve it themselves. What i have learned in the past is that there have been times where people relied on me for help and i have been at a loss for words, being to afraid to give them the hard truth or the soft lie, indecisive words event with a decisive mind. i try to map my words out in the seconds i have yet they get lost on the way to my vocal chords. I have tried to just say what i think in recent memory with very little thought to how i feel. If someone is asking for my help, the most i can do is give my two cents to their situation.

At the end of the day, i can only give advice and its up to the person receiving it to make the final call. Its hard to give advice that you feel is accurate to the situation but to them it could mean all the difference in their final actions. I just hope that some of my words make it to the proverbial wall of words that create a sense of direction in this crazy world.

Fitness and Wellness, The Human Alexa

Words I have heard in my yoga practice that you might need to hear right now

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First of all… this poem called Joy For No Reason by Danna Faulds:

I am filled with quiet joy for no reason save the fact that I’m alive.


The message I received is clear – there’s no time to lose from loving,


no place but here to offer kindness,


no day but this to be my true, unfettered self and pass the flame from heart to heart.


This is the only moment that exists – so simple, so exquisite, and so real.

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Photo by Artem Bali on Pexels.com

Secondly…

…You are beautiful, inside and out.

…Sometimes it’s tough.  Mentally.  Physically.  Emotionally.  But you push through it and the relief at the end is a feeling unlike any other.

…The most valuable gift we can give our bodies is time.

…This breath in…this breath out.

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…May you be happy, may you be safe, and may you live your life with ease.

…We always seem to be tied up in what has happened and what is happening later.  But when we lock into our breathing, we are in the present.

…You are here, you showed up.  You did the hard part.

…Appreciate that you are alive beneath your hands, that you are the only person under your hands that matters right now.

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And don’t forget…

…If you can balance your body in here, you can balance anything out there.

…It’s okay if you fall.  It means you pushed it to your edge, and you get right back up.

…You’re the most graceful fall-er I’ve ever met.

…Your pose is not going to look the same as any other pose, because every body is different.

…Every day, your body needs different things.  One day you may be able to hold a headstand for 10 minutes, the next maybe you need to lie down into child’s pose most of the practice.  Wherever your body is, is perfect.

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…If you are really stressed or overwhelmed, try doing a few handstands.  They take conscious effort and focus, so it diverts your mind for a minute, and brings your attention to your balance and breath.  I think of it like hitting a mini restart button on whatever you were doing.

…We all know about the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would like to be done unto yourself.  But did you know it goes both ways?  You should do unto yourself as you do unto others.

…Find comfort in the discomfort.

…Whatever it looks like right now is beautiful.

…You’re sweating and you’re breathing: that’s all that really matters.

..Nothing changes if nothing changes.

…When the merry-go-round of thoughts come in, let them.  But don’t get caught up on any that don’t matter in the right now.  Just let them keep going around.

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Photo by Salma Smida on Pexels.com

In case you need a reminder…

…You are enough, you do enough, you have enough.

…Practice self-compassion.  Compliment yourself and appreciate your body just as you would another person.

…If your loved one was going through this, what would you tell them?  Sometimes what we tell others is what we need to hear ourselves.

…Find softness in your edge; the furthest point you can push your body.  Then exhale, soften, and push just an inch further.  That’s where the change happens.

…Sometimes what we need is not what we want.

…Heart open, back straight, booty low.

…It’s so easy to just send a text, or post a photo.  Showing up, being present – that’s showing passion, commitment, appreciation, drive.

…Just being here, right now, adds to the dynamic of the room.  If one person was missing, this whole practice would be different.

And finally…

…The light in me sees, and honors the light in you. Namaste.

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Photo by Vinícius Vieira Fotografia on Pexels.com

Special thank you to The Yoga Shop of Salem (well the entire TYS community, for that matter) for allowing me to grow in my practice, my mind, and my life.  Thank you for sharing these words with me in and out of our practice.

If you would like more mantras like these, I highly suggest getting yourself a copy of  Journey to the Heart by Melody Beattie. (Shout-out to Amanda for the best Secret Santa gift this year.) Some of these words came from this book, as many of my instructors use it for their opening meditations in class.

Or, better yet, come join a practice sometime.  I promise you won’t regret it.

Kevin at a Desk

Letters i Never Sent

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As many of you who have read some of my older post, i like to consider myself old school. Grandpa-ish if you would like to call me so. I like the old ways, things that have value more than 2018 can offer. One of the biggest things is the value of recieveing a hand written letter from someone. It shows that they actually care about you, took the time to write something out and sent it to you via “snail mail”. It always made a difference when i saw a letter show up in my school mailbox or at my home address. What i still like to do is send letters to friends that i havent been in touch with for a while. I sent some to my buddy when he was in boot camp for the Naval Academy all during the summer before college. I sent letters across the sea to cousins that i was surprised i even had in my life. I always make an effort to write to someone i care about.

There are also letters i never sent.

I chose not to send them. The letters to old friends who live half way across the country, or to the ones who live just a quick trip up 95 North. Just something stopped me from sending it. A letter can mean many things but a rejected one has a very clear message. To certain people i was going to send it to, i wouldn’t get a response or honestly it felt as if we grown apart.

Letters on a page wasted away.

The more interesting letters i never sent were the ones i lost. The ones misplaced in a book or drawer that were left to sit and wait. I always read these again, to see what i wrote and what kind of person i was when i wrote them. Love letters, morbid news, a awkward hello, you name it i have written it. These letter i never sent are sometimes hard to swallow the things i wrote down. Its these types of letter i try to get rid of first. Never read those again. Never try to write those again.

i sometimes wish i could re send these letters after re reading them. I sometimes wish i told someone how i felt about them. Now they are just nothing, they are now gone so all i can do is regret the letters i never sent.

Kevin at a Desk

A Gift in Vinyl

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As everyone does from time to time, we clean out our attics, closets, and forgotten areas to make room for new things and our places are not over flooded with things we never needed in the first place. Yet we always find things in these places that just cant be let go because they have a little bit of magic of olden days and people we never forget. Maybe its a shirt, a photo, a ring or its a random stuffed animal you haven’t played since you were five.

For me, Its my nana’s vinyl collection.

This past Christmas season, my parents cleaned out our attic which had so many things from my nana’s old home. Since her passing in the bone chill of January 2002 we have had her stuff in a corner of our attic, away from view. We put it away as far as we could for both my dad and myself. The sting was still hurting. Many years had passed and we have slowly dug through the possessions of photos jewelry and other worldly possessions. Since these were new to me yet had a memory for others, slowly and carefully i began to ask my father what they meant and uncovering my family as slowly as they discovered the Pharaoh’s tombs so long ago. I always ask questions about who they were because of how little to no time i had with them, feeling as if they were of mythical stories and legendary tales you would see in novels.

My grandparents were of the Irish immigrants who arrived in the great depression looking for a better life from the Irish troubles of that time. They worked hard and made a good life for myself, a second generation immigrant. I always hear stories of them from my father and some kinda make me say “Ok now i know where i get it from” like my stubbornness is from my grandfather who would sit on hours outside his house in the Jamaica Plain neighborhood of Boston blasting his horn if his parking spot was taken by a neighbor, or part of my compassion and caring comes from my nana who even at age 80 plus would never forget to have a plate of my favorite cookies ready for my visit. These stories and now the newly rediscovered vinyl records finally connect me to people i never got the true privilege of meeting.

What the vinyl records mean to me, is everything. Its the glimpse i get into who they are and what they loved in life. These simple vinyls i got to have showcase things i never thought of. With all the music of their home in Donegal Ireland, it seems as if they were home sick yet they felt rewarded with their sacrifice to come here. All the times my grandparents were told “No Irish Need Apply” and found the worst jobs to make the money to find a meal and all the times they saw college degrees and marriages and a grandchild, made it worth something. They embraced Americana and her dreams of success while never forgetting their Irish love and where they came from, something i try to embrace when i think of what they gave up to let me live a successful life. We all have that one person or people in our lives that started from nothing yet we have everything that they never had and it just makes their work all the sweeter.

As i write this post, i have one of their records playing in the background of my one bedroom apartment, getting me misty eyed every other song. I missed them everyday, especially after these 17 years, these records to me seem to be a gift stowed away for safe keeping until i needed them. A gift in time. In a world where we sometimes forget where we come from or who have gone on to the great beyond, this is something to remember them by. These records of Ireland dreams seem to give myself a reinvigorated sense of identity. Not just the Irishman i know i have in my blood, but what being me means. My anger, my patience, my love, my flaws everything comes together because of these simple songs that they played decades ago on a small disc to console them yet remind them of who they were.

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So as i listen to these records i say to my ancestors:

Mo aingeal Tá súil agam go bhfuair tú síocháin.

The Human Alexa, The Life and Times

To All the Boys…

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… I’ve been distracted by while I was just trying to run some errands …

Adulting and single, but not quite ready to mingle?  Me too girl, me too.

It’s a weird limbo – I’m at an age where I could totally be looking for a serious relationship, but also know I need to focus on other things.
(You know, like my career, my incessant travel bug, crumbling student debt, that sort of stuff.)

I’m not actively looking, but open to it if someone worthy comes around.  But then again, is there anyone truly so wonderful that I would redirect my future plans?
(Actually, yes.  That person is and will always be Chris Pine.  For sure.)

Image result for chris pine

You know how it kind of seems like the only attractive, Grade A guys on Earth are in the movies now, and thus are unattainable to mere mortals like us?  I realize I’m not looking for a husband right now or anything, but let’s be honest – I can’t be the only one lacking contact with age appropriate ‘men’ with at least the maturity level of, well, myself.

I can’t find them in real life, because scripted and rehearsed romance is totally more what I’m looking for right now.  The latest girl crush, fyi, is Noah Centineo; and he actually starred in the film that inspired this post.

Image result for to all the boys ive loved before

Three cheers for cheesy teenage rom-coms!
(I don’t agree, though, for the record.  My current crush is activist Cameron Kasky.  But that’s beside the point.)

So, my girlfriends and I popped open a bottle of wine and shared stories about our own personal celebrities: the men we pass by on our every day adventures.  Here are our stories about the ones we are thankful for because they keep life a little interesting.

Like back in August, when I went to get a new tattoo with a friend of mine.  My artist came out to ask me a few questions, and I did that thing you see in movies where the girl totally tunes the guy out because she is so focused on how attractive they are?  And suddenly I just hear “hello Earth to Lex??” and then they have to repeat the question?  Except it wasn’t cute like in the movies – it was embarrassing because it was real life and it was me.  So when he went back to finish the sketch my aforementioned friend turned to me, looked me straight in the eye, pretended to wipe something off my chin and says “hey dude, stop drooling would ya?”

Embarrassing? Yes.
Comical? Affirmative.
But am I complaining? Absolutely not.
I got a new tattoo while making small talk and flirting with a very cute man, so all in all, great day.1533326060535

Or while I’m tucked away in my corner at Starbucks doing homework, and there’s that fluctuation of cute guys walking in and my mind goes right to the movies as if he’ll just come on over and sit down and strike up a clever conversation.  As if we’ll laugh and fall in love as time goes by and suddenly the store is closing before we even realize we’ve been there for so long.  When in reality I may get a smile, mini hand wave, and I’m left with endless possibilities of fake conversations running through my mind.

(But of course there are also the older men who direct their gaze over, even if they’re sitting there with who I can only assume to be their wife.  I divert my eyes and hope I don’t need to throw any punches, but hey it keeps me alert.)

Did I mention the cute police officer busy directing traffic?   I realize we all have places to be but do you mind if I just stop right here and cause a jam?
Instead I’ll wave and that’ll be that.  Maybe I’ll see you later at Starbucks, hopefully, if the universe thinks I should have a good day.

person holding cup of coffees on table
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Or that one night I was out at a bar with my friends celebrating birthdays, and we’re all sitting down with a few new guy friends, right?  Right.  So we’re laughing, having fun, and one of them looks at me and says “watch this.”  A few seconds later he hands me a FLOWER made from a NAPKIN and naturally I thought it was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.  Does this really happen to people?  Is this just birthday luck?  Who is this guy?  Did he also just hand me a ring he made from a dollar bill?
I need another drink.

If you think I wore that dollar bill ring and carried that flower around all night you are absolutely correct.
If you also think we never got in touch again after that night, and have since just gone our separate ways, then you are also absolutely correct.
(For the record, there are video tutorials online for anyone who wants to learn either of these fun (and easy) party tricks.)

And at the autumn fairs when my girlfriend and I are walking around desperate to find cow-spotted overalls, asking every cute guy working the games or food booths if they have seen them anywhere.  Hey, maybe we find them, maybe we get a double date out of it.   Either way, it’s win.
(It’s really a win when the guy lets your little cousin win the goldfish no matter what, even though none of us are really that great at throwing the bouncy balls into the small fish bowls.  Oh, then he offers to find you a job.  Good man, but no thank you.)

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Photo by Amanda Cottrell on Pexels.com

Or on the commute to work, I pass by a cute firefighter on the train.  We don’t speak to one another, but we exchange a single head nod and mutually understand that it replaces all niceties and small talk.

Just past that hero are the men in suits travelling to their finance desk jobs.  How riveting.  I think about how they could set me up for life and I could have my beach house and travel and never have to do my own finances.  But, then again, are they really worth my time?  I can settle with secretly admiring, and judging, them from a few rows away.

Or the ever so precious teenager that works the register at Target, right as the sale on bralettes goes live.  Poor timing for him because, I’m sorry, but us 20-somethings cannot pass up a bralette sale.  He turns bright red as he has to handle the lacy bras, like he is so embarrassed to be touching anything that isn’t a video game.  Just know that you are adorable and you made me giggle all day long at the thought of this encounter.

woman winter gloves winter clothing
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We could talk about my personal favorite: the lingering eyes at the gym.  When I go over to the ‘heavy’ machinery where I need to share the equipment with these boys who are so clearly always skipping leg day.  When I just go over, adjust the weights, and quickly glance around to see a handful of these people looking at me as if I don’t belong, as if I shouldn’t know how to use this stuff.  As if there’s no way I could have played collegiate athletics before I became washed up and had to do these drills at 5am every week.
(Silly boys.  Surprise!  I squat more than you do.)
But their faces when they realize I actually know what I’m doing, that I don’t need a spotter, and have better form than most of them?  Well, that’s priceless.  It’s the little things, right?

(for the record: i’m kidding.  this is not my favorite.  please don’t actually watch women exercise.  I know you love to record yourself lifting, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no one actually cares that you went to the gym.  so mind your own beeswax, please.)

two woman doing exercise
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Nonetheless, shout out to all of the men that keep us on our toes as we roam through our day-to-day life.  The ones that are polite, kind, and give us a little hope for the future of mankind.  And here’s to all the women I can turn to and tell these stories with, and for everyone who shared with me their own encounters so I could put together this piece.

It’s still amazing to me that I can run into so many people, and meet so many strangers, and yet I still have not run into Chris Pine.  Maybe someday, if the universe thinks I deserve a good week.  Until then, bad rom-coms it is.

 

We’re all just Awkward n' Adulting.