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JustRachel

ADHD Paralysis

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As a kid, I always loved playing Pokémon. I loved the challenge, the strategy, and the excitement of never knowing what creature I would run into in the tall grass. I loved learning new moves and finding new ways to win bouts without taking too much damage, but one thing I didn’t like was the electric affliction “paralysis”.

Now don’t get me wrong, I understand why the creators would add in afflictions like “sleep” and “poison” and “burn” and even “paralysis” but I definitely didn’t enjoy the idea of skipping moves or having to waste a turn using a potion.

What I don’t understand however, is why a power greater than me would chose to similarly inflict me (and others with ADHD) with the very same affliction I combatted in the game – forcing me to “skip moves” and search for the kinds of potions that could refocus my brain and allow me to be productive on days when the dopamine doesn’t want to cooperate.

TikTok, ADHD, and Executive Function

About a month ago the TikTok algorithm directed me to a creator that has put in quite a bit of time into understanding ADHD. This kid whom, I don’t think is older than 21, then uses his platform to educate others on the pitfalls and misconceptions of the disorder. Anyway the guys username is @Connordewolfe and if you both have ADHD and/or subscribe to apps like TikTok or Instagram he’s a great resource to have (very digestible) and if he somehow comes across this blog I hope he’s not offended that I referenced him or some of his content directly.

Anyway, ADHD PARALYSIS – so somewhere in the past month or more, this creator, Connor, posted a TikTok about the topic of ADHD paralysis, where in he preformed a skit that essentially said he couldn’t do anything that day or was basically frozen all day because he had a package coming at 8 pm. [Personal anecdote bellow]

Anyway, so before I saw this video describing ADHD paralysis, I didn’t know that there was a word for It. And obviously, part of this is my fault, because while I’ve struggled with ADHD my whole life – I spent so much time trying to avoid it and suppress it, that I never thought to do any research that could properly explain why I did the things I do.

Yes I realize this is backwards but it’s how my brain works so shhh.

[if you have a decent understanding of what ADHD is you can skip to the next heading… otherwise enjoy the ride]

Anyway, ADHD paralysis. So if you didn’t know this – ADHD as a whole is a condition that effects ones executive function. Executive function is essentially what allows someone to get started on a task, organize the process of the task and then sustain the effort needed to complete said task. (It’s also what allows someone to coherently organize their thoughts… something I clearly sometimes struggle with)

So, obviously, not being able to, or having deficits when it comes to executive function can cause some if not a lot of problems in someone’s life.

And because ADHD isn’t taken all that seriously in some circles or is ridiculed in others, some people get misdiagnosed, some don’t have proper access to testing (it’s expensive), and others might just be too embarrassed to get tested at all.

Yikes

So what is ADHD paralysis?

Seeing that ADHD already creates a deficit of ones executive function, it’s hard to believe that there would be another blocker on top of an already tricky situation. But there is. See ADHD paralysis is what happens when you really want to get started on a task but you can’t quite get your brain to cooperate. Sometimes nothing triggers the paralysis and other times it might start because something (like knowing a package is coming) does.

For me this shows up in my ability to start, and more so, finish, short stories and novels.

“But if you say you want to do it so bad, why don’t you just do it?”

Well that’s the problem, I can’t – I can’t physically get my brain to cooperate and so I find myself losing track of time and staring at walls and zoning out because despite wanting to do something, I just can’t get myself to start or move or etc. But then it gets confusing because on the flip side of that, once I do get started (or excessively motivated), I can follow the rush (“the dopamine”) and get things done insanely quickly.

But the crazy thing is that ADHD paralysis doesn’t just encompass starting a home project or writing something. For me the real paralysis comes when I have something to do hours from now or even days from now and can’t convince myself or rationalize with myself to do other things while I’m waiting for that other thing to happen.

Think of it as an “all or nothing” complex.

For example: I once spent a day and a half waiting for a package I had to sign for because I didn’t want to miss the mail man. Now at this point you could ask “ok so you waited… but you were probably doing work or something right?” To which I would reply, a big fat NOPE. Having been waiting for that package for so long I decided that on the day it was supposed to arrive I’d just wait on the porch. So I did. I sat on the porch from 11:30 to at least 4 or 5. And for hours I didn’t move because I was hyper focused on making sure I wouldn’t miss the mail. And sure I scrolled on my phone and watched the dog, but even then I didn’t actually manage to accomplish anything that day because I was frozen by the fact that receiving the package was the only task I had to accomplish that day.

That being said you can imagine how unamused I was when the package didn’t arrive that day and was delayed until the next. At which point, I also spent hours that next day similarly sitting on the porch before I got so anxious that I forced myself to go to the back yard and get a home project done. But I was only able to do this because my line of sight reached around the house and I could still see when the mailman arrived.

And it doesn’t just happen with mail…

Look, as a relatively successful 25 year old whose earned two degrees and is thankfully employed, I obviously can’t always afford to wait until something happens. And I obviously didn’t get to where I am today without finding ways to get myself to get something done. But sometimes it’s a real fight to navigate the very real anxiety I get when I am waiting for something to happen and don’t have much to do between the now and then.

That said, I have definitely put time into training myself to get the tasks I need to do done by finding work arounds to the way my brain functions. And sometimes this means that I just have to ride the wave and do the impulsive thing that’s keeping my mind from focusing on what I actually have to do on that day. (For example: writing this blog right now rather than eating because I was waiting on my next assignment to come in. – it came in ten minutes ago….)

So obviously, this isn’t to say that I don’t still slip up and let my zoning out get the best of me sometimes (like waiting 6 hrs for a damn package or writing a blog) but I can say that I do make an active effort to trick myself into doing all the things I need to do. So in that way I guess I can say that, when my bag is full (following the Pokémon theme) I definitely take advantage of the potions that allow me to “heal” my paralysis, and when the bag is empty I do my best to take those days as they come, paralysis and all.

Wrap it up Rachel…

All in all I think ADHD is something people don’t recognize for being as challenging as it can be. I think people are quick to just write it off because some people abuse the system by getting medications they don’t actually need and so they forget that people with ADHD don’t necessarily get the same rush or focus with their medicine.

And I also think that people with ADHD, like me, can really benefit from putting names to the symptoms and emotions and afflictions they face daily.

So if you’re like me, or even if you aren’t, I hope that in reading this you or someone you know might be able to benefit by knowing you aren’t alone and that you are allowed to validate yourself when it comes to the way you know your brain works. And lastly, I hope you know that you don’t need anyone else’s permission to be who you are, even if that person isn’t the one you or someone else expects you to be. [Stay tuned Friday for that blog – and have a great week!]

JustRachel

Why comfort shows are like crack to anxious people

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Fact – I identify as an introverted extrovert

As an introverted extrovert, my personality usually presents itself in one of two ways. 1. I’m the life of the party. OR 2. I will stay in my room for days on end and you will barely hear from me. This tends to mean that on any given day I can either make friends with anyone and everyone around me OR my anxiety is ruling my life and I assume everyone in the world hates me – including but not limited to that lady at the grocery store that gave me side eye and the neighbor I only met once in the elevator but shuddered when I said hi across a room. ANYWAY – I’m an introverted extrovert, and so when the panoramic started in March of last year and rumors suggested that it would last 3 months, I wasn’t too pressed about it. Instead, I figured I’d keep my head down and shoulders up, I’d break in my jeans and wear out my sweatpants and then I’d get right on back to the real world.

OBVIOUSLY – THAT DIDNT HAPPEN.

So what actually happened was that I spent the next year and a half in a daze, only able to quantify the day of the week by scheduled weekly or bi-weekly meetings or by the scheduled Amazon shipments I had ordered. And during that time the isolation that I thought I would enjoy dragged out to the point where I was constantly anxious and depressed. and this lead me to two things, an expansion of my comfort shows and an unhealthy addiction to Amazon (which I know, many can relate to).

Forget Amazon, What is a comfort show?

While everyone knows about Amazon, not everyone knows what a comfort show or comfort characters are – so, allow me to explain.

A comfort show or comfort characters are, as the name implies – shows that you’ve watched multiple times, for the sole purpose of knowing what is going to happen, in order to bring yourself comfort.

Now, according to the internet, psychologists have found actual data that suggests a correlation between someone re-watching a familiar or favorite show and stress reduction. Most common in depressed or anxious people, comfort shows and characters allow us to feel more at ease and relaxed because we know exactly what is going to happen or have a connection to the characters. For some this experience is even or commonly therapeutic.

In other words, if you are someone who, while having a bad day, finds comfort or comedy in rewatching old shows like FRIENDS, or The Office, or ____________, ect. Then maybe you are using it as a form of escapism or relief to something that is obviously wearing you down. AND TO BE CLEAR – THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT.

Fact – My comfort shows are like crack to me

In the past year and a half, I cannot quantify the number of shows and movies I’ve binged. (This might be problematic – but I accept it). Being so isolated in quarantine, away from family and experiencing strained relationships with friends – I really found myself turning to shows as an outlet for dealing with traumas and self discoveries.

In fact, I think what draws me specifically to rewatching shows is obviously, the comfort, but more so the ability to watch someone else experience something I thought was unique to my life and realize that I’m really not alone. And while, on the surface I know I’m not and while I believe myself to be someone who doesn’t subscribe to the belief that the world revolves around me or the idea that no one could possibly understand my life and it’s events – as humans it’s really easy to get caught up in the bad days and convince ourselves that some things can’t be helped or fixed – when in reality we are just so comfortable in the misery or the belief that we don’t deserve to be happy that we continue to sabotage and define ourselves by the things that hurt us.

So, you see, for me, there’s something about relating to a character and allowing myself to identify with their faults that is and was so much less aggressive than deliberately calling myself out for my short comings. For example. It’s much easier to look at a character that puts themselves in toxic relationships than it is to look at my own relationships and realize they might be toxic. It’s easier to see the normalization of queer characters and say – hey maybe I identify with aspects of their journey – than it is to flounder around wondering if anyone actually understands what I’m going through.

So, in seeing these characters come to the realization that maybe their significant other or friend etc. is toxic, I give myself permission to start questioning my own relationships – opening me up to the idea or the internal conversation of – “is this happening to me” or “is this happening BECAUSE of me” and “if yes, what can I or should I do about it”. Then if I ultimately come to the conclusion that there isn’t a problem, or that the problem is something I need to continue to work with – then I can create the space to work with my emotions or have constructive conversations that might get me away from those situations.

“Enough commentary! What are you watching?”

So growing up my comfort shows were limited to shows like:

  • The Vampire Diaries
  • Stargate Atlantis
  • Lost Girl
  • Terra Nova
  • Arrow (seasons 1-2)

And while I could talk your ear of on the why those shows spoke to me, let’s just say if you know the shows and you’ve read my blogs, you can pick up on the themes that resonated with me as a teen/young adult. But as an adult now, while I still often go back to those shows – there has been a shift in my life perspective and even with some of my anxieties and so the shows I truly identify with now are more along the lines of:

  • The 100
  • Wynona Earp
  • Arrow (all seasons)
  • Legends of Tomorrow
  • Grey’s Anatomy
  • Station 19
  • Motherland Fort Salem

And while the list could go on, as could the details – this is getting long so I’ll try and wrap it up.

My addiction to comfort shows taught me… I’m where I’m supposed to be

As someone with anxiety and depression and… everything else most millennials/gen zers have, finding a way to sift through myself in the past year has been a huge part of my personal growth. And I’d argue that the themes in these shows have played a huge role in that as well.

So, I guess what I’ve learned from hearing about the concept of comfort shows and what they mean to people – aside from the fact that I have a slight Netflix addiction …. is that, while a lot could be said about the impact of these shows and my favorite characters and even shows in general and how they effect the masses – more can be said about the evolution of what kinds of story arcs are being mass produced and being made accessible and how that can allow people like me to find ways to bridge the gaps in their identity and find comfort within themselves. Because, honestly, sometimes it takes more than others accepting you to accept yourself and sometimes finding company or not feeling alone isn’t about walking into crowded spaces as much as it’s about better filling the spaces were in.

So what I’ve learned is that I’m where I am meant to be. And I’m not perfect – nor do I pretend to be, but I’m finding ways to work with that and in the mean time, if characters like Jessica Day (New Girl) or Maya Bishop (Station 19) make the struggle any easier and the weight a little lighter, well then I’m gonna share some brain space with them and hopefully make the world a little less crazy for a bit.

JustRachel

Bug bites, bee stings, and branded content

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When I think about life – or at least life as I know it, I can usually break things down into three categories. Bug bites, bee stings, and branded content. Let me explain.

1. Bug bites

Bug bites are the things that get to us. They’re often the little things but still they get under our skin and make us itch. The way I see it, bug bites can be good or they can be bad. For example, they’re good because the discomfort of the situation or the itch can make us take action, but they can also be bad because we can let it drive us crazy.

2. Bee stings

Bee stings are our pain points. The big things. The things that hurt – like breakups or fights with family. Bee stings don’t usually have a good side in the short term but they can make us realize important life lessons like, hey I’m allergic to bees or hey this person is toxic and I probably shouldn’t let their negativity have such an impact on my life. That being said, sometimes the pain goes quick and other times it leaves you reeling.

3. Branded content

Branded content is the stuff we put out into the world. It’s what we do with the bug bites and the bee stings and all the things in between. So while we sometimes take the bad and put out good, we are also human and do the opposite. And similarly, it’s the different personas we put out. It’s the idea that one brand (person) can form different relationships with different demographics – which can be good because you wouldn’t want to talk to your boss the same way you talk to your mom or your best friend.

Stay with me – Bringing metaphor to life

So let’s put some life into this. The past two years (rounding up) life, for me, has felt like a continuous stream of bee stings. And without filling in the blanks, most can guess what those stings were and what they felt like. But see our bodies are funny when it comes to pain. See because pain is supposed to tell us or warn us or stop us about x, y, or z – but sometimes, when the pain becomes too much, we find ourselves going numb to the littler things. We find ourselves going numb to the bug bites, and when that happens, when we lose sight of the itch, we sometimes forget to scratch or to question or to change our path and do things differently. And if that all wasn’t bad enough, sometimes, amidst the numbness, we stop feeling like we have something to say or we get caught up in having too much to say and then we end up silent or stationary or just stuck in what stings the most.

So what’s the point

Honestly, when I started writing this today there wasn’t one. To be frank – I started this because I thought of a tag line and wanted to see if, for the first time in a long time I could run with it. So by the time I got this far. The point BECAME the idea that while coming in from a walk with the dog, my whole body itching because who knows what kind of crack god fed the place to create as many mosquitos as it did this year – I thought of a tag line. And I ran with it.

Which brings us to the present and so if you’re still reading this and you’re still with me and you’re not mad at me for not knowing my ideas made sense before you may have … well then thank you.

But also, the fact that you’re still here makes me wonder. It makes me wonder if maybe something resonated with you. And if that is the case then the point wasn’t nothing, and it wasn’t a challenge it was really about starting a conversation. It was really about me finding that I’m getting back to the person that was creative and inspired and pithy and the person that started this blog with the intention of igniting conversations where we could find answers to why Adulting is so darn hard.

So…

So the point my dear friends (now that I’ve been able to come up with it). The point is that over the past couple months my body has been literally and metaphorically been covered in bug bites and after nearly two years of what felt like being hit with nothing but bee stings I’m finally getting to a point where I can take the hurt and I can take the itch and I can turn it into something constructive.

So while I started writing today with the intent of creating an analogy based on a tag line that popped into my head less than an hour ago – the actual writing made me realize that over the past few weeks I started changing the way I looked at the itchy parts of my life. I started doing things about them and to prevent them and to attack them head on. And I’m making those changes and addressing those things I’ve been able to reignite a conversation not only with myself, but with you as well. And for me – that feels pretty cool.

JustRachel

Rewriting narratives of trauma in youth

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So, the past week I’ve been working up the courage to get this all on paper (virtual). The courage to own a few things, and apologize for a few others… and while the drafts are full, I think it best to keep a more succinct version of the message I’d like to share. So here it goes.

Last weekend I moved back home for the first time in seven years. And while the reasons for doing so are important to my story, they aren’t important to this one – so let’s fast forward to a couple days after the move.

Anyone who has moved knows how daunting the first week is. Aside from setting up bills and furniture there’s also organizing and nesting and… well you get the point. But when moving home at 25… well moving home at any time comes with its own set of additional issues and nostalgia – which is why I somehow convinced myself to open up old yearbooks at 1am. (Very smart I know)

Now, anyone who knows me knows I don’t think fondly of my high school years. And with the exception of a few people I don’t really do anything or talk to anyone that would take me back to the headspace I was in back then. But something about where I am now and who I am now made me think I could handle putting myself back there for a bit. (Spoiler alert: I couldn’t)

But not for the reasons you’d think.

See I wasn’t bullied in high school, and while I wasn’t completely ignored either, I didn’t think I had much to live for so I unilaterally decided that everyone around me cared as little about me as I did. (With a few exceptions) But that wasn’t true. I mean sure there were a few people I put on a slightly higher pedestal because I allowed them to get close but the other half of the narrative I built was that, aside from the few, no one else cared, but actually, quite a few people did. And if they didn’t it wasn’t because they didn’t try it was because I wouldn’t let them.

See seven years ago I packed up my narratives and I packed up my things and I left this place. Seven years ago I ran like hell toward something entirely different. And while that was all well and good, somewhere along the way I decided to let myself believe that my past was a monster far greater than reality permitted – so now that I’m back, the hardest part is realizing that the fairytale I created wasn’t as Grimm as the one I lived.

Which brings us to the owning and the apologizing.

When it comes to being honest with ourselves it’s much easier to live in half truths. It’s easier to play a victim rather than come to terms with the fact that we are our stories greatest villain. And when you get caught up in a pattern where you believe that everyone leaves, well it’s easy to think that helping them out the door is the least you can do.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s crazy that I was so scared of this place and my past but really the thing I was running from and the thing that hurt the most wasn’t the fact that anyone else judged or hated me. It was that I did. And sure, high school was not perfect, the people weren’t perfect and maybe some things could have gone differently but I made it and honestly there aren’t too many things I would change.

So here’s to the future. To true narratives. And to owning it more than I did the last time around.

JustRachel

Free falls and failing upward

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Our society romanticizes falling, / so we chase the rush that is supposed to come with falling in love or leaping from a plane./ And when we’re unsure that the ground below us will keep us safe / we call these kinds of falling “leaps of faith” / but when that ground fails us it’s a “fall from grace” / and / the funny thing is – we / don’t often hear about the times people fell on their face / because that isn’t sexy, it’s not stimulating, and it’s far too gruesome for modern day fairytales. / So yeah, our society romanticizes falling… / but what does one do if they’re too tired to catch themselves?

Falling, R.M 2021

Many of you know my story. I’m (now) 25, female, and defined by my resilience. I commonly identify as a millennial but some stats say I’m gen z, I suck at relationships, and more than once you’ve heard me talk about some jobs I’ve won and jobs I’ve lost. I’m a writer – one who seems to be better at writing when she’s depressed but a writer none the less, and while I used to think myself special and complicated… I’m usually just me. Just Rachel.

So for those of you who have been here a while, I’m sorry I haven’t been lately. For those new to the game, welcome. and for those who didn’t make it past the first sentence of this thing, I’m a little hurt, but I get it.

But for those of you left, let’s get real.

I’d like to say that not a lot has happened in the time I’ve been away. Aside from the obvious pandemic, world on fire, 2020 being biblically cursed shenanigans of course. Truth is, a lot has changed. See I spent the last year figuring out some things I wasn’t ready to figure out before, things I couldn’t and still can’t put on blast quite yet. But with that uncharacteristically vague click bait bs comes a question… so why are you back?

To which I characteristically reply –

I’m back because I’m 25, I’m female, I’m in between Netflix shows, I’m about to be in between jobs and despite the fact that the world around me is still on fire I’m sick of pretending that waiting for it not to be is an excuse to not talk about the fact that most of us are free falling with no parachute — and while I realize that should have been punctuated properly… that’s not the point.

The point is – I have had more time to write in the past year than I ever have and I didn’t. And I didn’t because I found that the things I wanted to say weren’t things I wanted people to know and the things I wanted people to know never got sent out because 2020 has been the definition of a middle school flip phone “hey” text. Which, for those who don’t know is symbolic of someone being bored but not really having anything to say….

In other words, I’m back because there is a difference between not having anything to say and not saying anything for the sake of sounding a certain way. I’m back because I’m free falling. But the funny thing is… I feel like I’m falling upward and even if I wasn’t I think it’s time to let people back in so everyone who feels like their falling can fall with me.

So fall with me. And let’s bring Awkward back.

Link Outside the Box

Quarantine Tips for When You Feel Like You’re Losing it (Spoiler Alert: You’re not alone!)

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Let me begin by saying there is no right or wrong way to self-isolate. Do not feel like whatever emotions you are experiencing are abnormal or unprecedented. While this situation is going to affect every person a little differently, it has been comforting for me to know that many of my friends and family are feeling extremely similar frustrations… Including loneliness, fear, boredom, anxiety, lack of motivation, and the list goes on.

This led me to spend a lot of time reflecting on my habits and researching techniques on how to stay on track during these trying times. I wanted to share some of tips that have been successful for me in hopes that others may be able to relate and benefit in some way.

  1. Stick to a schedule/routine. You may not have anything to wake up at a certain time for, but set your alarm anyway to hold yourself accountable. To get your day started, read a book, go make breakfast, meditate, and do whatever you need to do to wake up and activate your mind. I’ve discovered that writing down my tentative schedule for the day (in a place where I can clearly see it) has helped hold myself accountable and motivates me to keep working. It feels fantastic to be able to check off tasks as I complete them as the day goes by. On the other hand, though, do not be afraid to give yourself downtime. While it can be a great exercise to write down a list of things you want to accomplish, don’t let it make you feel guilty that you’re not keeping yourself busy every second of every hour.
  2. Give yourself praise for the little things. Many of my friends, and myself included, have been so frustrated with their productivity levels. We’ve noticed that we have not been getting as much done as we normally would have if we were at school or at work. It is important to remember that there is a reason that total isolation is one of the worst forms of torture for a human being. We are not meant to be in an environment like this so it really isn’t a surprise that people feel like they are slacking. It is going to take some time to adjust to these circumstances and to figure out what will be the most effective routine for us. Make sure you are giving yourself praise for any projects you complete. Progress is still progress, no matter how small! 
  3. Self-care. When people hear the term “self-care”, they think of face masks, mani/pedis, and a hot bath. While self-care can certainly look like this, the version of self-care that I’m trying to practice is mindfulness and heightening my self-awareness. Like all of you, I am isolated with my racing mind, my body, and the long list of tasks I have to complete. It has certainly been a challenge to not let insecurities and anxiety sabotage my thoughts. Our brain doesn’t have an off switch and it can be very easy to fall into a rabbit hole of self-doubt and overthinking. Understand that these concerns are stemming from isolation, and are most likely not warranted.  The world we live in moves so fast, and this is probably the only opportunity we will have in our lifetime where nearly everything in our outside world stands still. Take this opportunity to become more aware of who you really are and to show every part of yourself unconditional love. When you wake up in the morning, try to come up with 3 things you are grateful for, and 3 things you love about yourself. Try to take a step back from your usually fast-paced life and figure out what activities you miss the most, or what activities you really don’t miss at all. This is an incredible time for you to evaluate where, or with who, you have been spending your energy, and if this is still the best path for you to take. Reflect on decisions/mistakes, accept them, and heal from them. Every single decision you have ever made has led you to this present moment and shaped you into the amazing person that you are. Love yo-self and the journey you’ve been on!!
  4. Utilize your phone/social media. Do not be afraid to text/call a friend if you’re struggling. Whether you need help with something  specific or you just want to reach out to have a conversation because you miss them (or if you just miss human interaction in general), go for it! Chances are, they’re probably bored and would love to catch up with you too. 
  5. Pick up a new hobby or do something creative! More frequently than I would like to admit, I have ran into some major creativity blocks during quarantine. This has definitely made it difficult for me to work on projects or even do little things like clean my room. If you keep running into this feeling, take a break. Make your bed, go for a walk, stretch, get your body moving, or do something creative like drawing, painting, or journaling. Exercises like these can help you stay in the moment and can ease your mind when you’re feeling restless. Meditation is an especially great practice to get into right now. The app store/YouTube is filled with all different kinds of practices, depending on what you’re searching for. Look into a new hobby that you’ve always wanted to try. Learn a new language, develop your professional skills on LinkedIn Learning, learn how to cook your favorite meal, take a new class (a lot of online courses have been discounted or are totally free right now), read a happy book, repaint your room, try a new kind of workout, the list is endless.

Like I said before, there will never be another opportunity where our whole world is essentially standing still. Let’s try our hardest to make sure we come out of this quarantine as kinder, stronger, and more self-aware versions of ourselves. I want to emphasize again, however, that there is no correct or incorrect way to spend your time. My goal with this post is to encourage and inspire, but most importantly to remind us that the frustration we are experiencing right now is mutual but only temporary. There is light at the end of the tunnel.  

JustRachel

I Will Not Force Athletics – BUT – My Kids will Learn The Lessons Track Taught Me

Are you going to force your kids to do track? To be Throwers?

H.L

A while back my friend asked me if I planned on forcing my kids (whom I will not have for quite a while) to do sports or to do track and throw. And despite my background, despite the opinions I have had all my life the answer I gave, was not one that I had expected.

I Said No

for those of you who dont know what she meant by “throws” – it doesnt mean throwing things against a wall or throwing tantrums – because I will be damned if my kids are raised to do either of those things.

It means – would I force my kid to join one of the most underrated sports of all time?

my answer – no… but also yes.

5 lessons you learn from track

1. Patience. Whether you throw, jump, or run etc, patience with yourself and with your implements is a huge part of being an athlete. It’s knowing that there will be great days and bad days. It’s knowing that what you put in your body and into your workouts is what you get out. And it’s realizing that getting angry or losing control won’t fire you up as much as it will burn you out.

2. Pace yourself. As a runner I was never all that great at pacing myself – but I was really good at saving my last kick for the finish. Learning how to maintain pace in a race can directly correlate to life because, at the end of the day, a burn out is a burnout, no matter what you did to get there.

3. Form is everything. A lot of people think that throwing is all about how big or strong you are – and while strength is a big part of the sport, it isn’t the most important aspect. The difference between a good thrower and an ok thrower isn’t the persons size – it’s how they execute the movements and transfer power into force into distance. And just like throwing, life is about how you execute the processes.

4. Family comes first. From the outside looking in track looks like a solo sport – but just because we compete alone, just because we don’t pass the ball to make baskets, doesn’t mean that we don’t need each other to succeed. In track, family and friendships are a large part of success. Having someone to chase, having a record to beat, having someone to cheer you on, that’s what competing as a family is about.

5. Let them count you out. As far as sports go, track is one of the most underrated. When it comes to track, the only time our athletes get noticed is at the olympics or at the highest level. For many, track is not a spectator sport (excluding our families who are our biggest fans) but for me this is the biggest benefit of the sport because it goes to show you what people can accomplish when they aren’t getting all the credit is just as incredible if not more than those who constantly receive praise.

I am not a Parent – Yet

I honestly always thought I would be the parent that needed their kids to do sports, but at 24 – wanting a kid and knowing that it isnt the time to have them – I also realized that I never want to force my kid to do anything.

That being said, I will encourage athletics as my parents and particularly my father encouraged me when I was growing up.

I will encourage my kid to find a place that understands them. An outlet that doesn’t underestimate their strength or compassion or aptitude for pushing others to do and be the best they can be.

I will encourage my child to find home within themselves and within the passions I hope they inherit from the family around them. But I won’t force them into anything.

In other words. I’ll encourage my kid to find themselves in whatever way they can and to learn the lessons that track taught me… but I won’t force athletics.

JustRachel

The block list

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So you did it. You done f’ed up. You texted or called or tweeted or snapped that one person you shouldn’t have – and they RESPONDED. S***. Now what?

Step 1 : remain calm. Don’t overthink it. Maybe it’s an ex and you’re feeling the post holiday “why are you single conversations” maybe you just wanted to talk to someone familiar. It’s ok. It’s normal to want that.

Step 2 : keep it casual. Resist the urge to make plans. Don’t agree to coffee or a call. Just go with the flow and wish that person well.

Step 3 : the exit. Try something like. “It was nice to hear from you” or since it’s the holidays “wish your family a happy holidays for me.” Then leave it at that.

Step 4 : the rehab. Coming back from a convo with an ex is hard and it’s exhausting sometimes. Take some time to bow out. Or spend time with family. Let yourself live in it for a bit – then let it go. (Easier said than done)

Look at the end of the day we all just want to remain connected to people. Social media makes this easy but it also makes it easy to get caught up in the drama of “what is he/she up to” and “I wonder if they’re thinking about me too”. But at the end of it all we need to take care of ourselves and the ones who are still in our lives first.

Take care of yourself this holiday season and remember that the people who are in your life are lucky to be there just like you are lucky to be present in their lives. And if you are home try not to get caught up in your past by digging it up.

In other words keep your friends close and your block list waaaaaay out of reach.

JustRachel

The problem with love in my generation

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So about a week ago, after watching a rom com I started writing a post that was nothing short of crazy cat lady crazy. (Not to worry, I culled the crazy)

In this post, I talked about love and how it was the princes that I haven’t kissed were the ones I regretted more than the frogs I had. I talked about unrequited love and how our lives are defined by the chances we don’t take when it comes to love.

BUT – it wasn’t until my car ride home from work the next day that I realized why I had cat lady spiraled – ok maybe not a reason, but at the very least it was a much more constructive way of writing in which I didn’t confess an undying love that only occurs to me when I am lonely (aka not love but loneliness).

Thus I GIVE YOU (drumroll) … The problem with love in my generation.

See in my generation it seems that we have “love” or rather “lust” at our fingertips. If we are lonely we swipe, bored? We swipe, in need of human intimacy? You guessed it. We cue up the options and swipe our way into someone’s bed.

Today it’s easier than ever to find someone for whatever you need in the moment. But the problem with this? It doesn’t last. And that isn’t just because someone’s bio takes away the romance or the mystery of meeting someone on the street or at a bar. It’s because that craving for someone to love or lust us takes away from the one thing the internet can’t immediately gratify.

TODAY WE LACK THE ABILITY TO LOVE OURSELVES FIRST – and no ladies I’m no talking about the Hailee Steinfeld song kind of “love yourself” I’m talking no likes no views see yourself in the mirror and dig what you see before you ask some guy or girl to validate.

Look at the end of the day validation is great. But kissing frogs and finding princes/princesses doesn’t do a damn thing if you can’t find yourself first.

The problem with my generation is that love isn’t like the movies and while getting caught up in the theatrics every once in a while is great it doesn’t fix the problem. The problem that we don’t give ourselves enough love or honest communication to ever give it to someone else.

These days were caught up in trying not to be lonely that we make a lot of wrong turns. Some of us end up in short term marriages, some in abusive relationships and others well those lucky little craps find something real. At the end of the day it comes down to luck and love – not luck for finding someone or love of someone but luck and love in knowing and loving ourselves.

JustRachel

Life after life

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Graduating college comes with a personal loss. While there is an excitement to graduating, many of us mourn the transition into the new life we are meant to live.

So how do we survive life after life? How do we transition from the life we know into the life we were meant to live.

Until recently I didn’t understand why people live at home after they graduate. Other than the practicality and genius of saving money rather than jumping into the real world – living at home seems to present a kind of common comfort as we (as adults) transition into our new lives.

But while many move home, I cannot speak to that experience. For me, when I graduated, my survival was dependent on diving into a new reality… and by that I mean that I coped by maintaining a sense of comfort and similarity. For me I didn’t go “home” but I clung to the new home that I had made for myself.

After graduating undergrad chose to go back to school. This was my survival technique. I picked up grad classes at the place I had gone to undergrad, stayed on the Track team for one more year and clung to every ounce of sameness that I could.

Let me set the record straight – surviving life (post grad) isn’t easy, but if it was it wouldn’t be worth it.

After graduating grad school last May I crashed a little but luckily I found new life in Maine “in the pines” where I was able to find myself again and build enough confidence to get a new job and move back to my home in Massachusetts.

Now I have a great job, some solid friends and a new outlook on adulting.

For me, surviving post grad has been a whirlwind, and for you it will be different. It won’t be easy, it will be expensive, and at times you will lose sight of who you thought you were – but that is exactly what life after life is all about.

Moral of the story – I can’t give you the perfect answer on “how to survive life” not after college, not through the winter, and not after a bad breakup. But what I can do – I can tell you that you will make it and that it will be worth it. So for now – don’t worry, enjoy the moment, and strive to be nothing less than you.

The Human Alexa, The Life and Times

To All the Boys…

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… I’ve been distracted by while I was just trying to run some errands …

Adulting and single, but not quite ready to mingle?  Me too girl, me too.

It’s a weird limbo – I’m at an age where I could totally be looking for a serious relationship, but also know I need to focus on other things.
(You know, like my career, my incessant travel bug, crumbling student debt, that sort of stuff.)

I’m not actively looking, but open to it if someone worthy comes around.  But then again, is there anyone truly so wonderful that I would redirect my future plans?
(Actually, yes.  That person is and will always be Chris Pine.  For sure.)

Image result for chris pine

You know how it kind of seems like the only attractive, Grade A guys on Earth are in the movies now, and thus are unattainable to mere mortals like us?  I realize I’m not looking for a husband right now or anything, but let’s be honest – I can’t be the only one lacking contact with age appropriate ‘men’ with at least the maturity level of, well, myself.

I can’t find them in real life, because scripted and rehearsed romance is totally more what I’m looking for right now.  The latest girl crush, fyi, is Noah Centineo; and he actually starred in the film that inspired this post.

Image result for to all the boys ive loved before

Three cheers for cheesy teenage rom-coms!
(I don’t agree, though, for the record.  My current crush is activist Cameron Kasky.  But that’s beside the point.)

So, my girlfriends and I popped open a bottle of wine and shared stories about our own personal celebrities: the men we pass by on our every day adventures.  Here are our stories about the ones we are thankful for because they keep life a little interesting.

Like back in August, when I went to get a new tattoo with a friend of mine.  My artist came out to ask me a few questions, and I did that thing you see in movies where the girl totally tunes the guy out because she is so focused on how attractive they are?  And suddenly I just hear “hello Earth to Lex??” and then they have to repeat the question?  Except it wasn’t cute like in the movies – it was embarrassing because it was real life and it was me.  So when he went back to finish the sketch my aforementioned friend turned to me, looked me straight in the eye, pretended to wipe something off my chin and says “hey dude, stop drooling would ya?”

Embarrassing? Yes.
Comical? Affirmative.
But am I complaining? Absolutely not.
I got a new tattoo while making small talk and flirting with a very cute man, so all in all, great day.1533326060535

Or while I’m tucked away in my corner at Starbucks doing homework, and there’s that fluctuation of cute guys walking in and my mind goes right to the movies as if he’ll just come on over and sit down and strike up a clever conversation.  As if we’ll laugh and fall in love as time goes by and suddenly the store is closing before we even realize we’ve been there for so long.  When in reality I may get a smile, mini hand wave, and I’m left with endless possibilities of fake conversations running through my mind.

(But of course there are also the older men who direct their gaze over, even if they’re sitting there with who I can only assume to be their wife.  I divert my eyes and hope I don’t need to throw any punches, but hey it keeps me alert.)

Did I mention the cute police officer busy directing traffic?   I realize we all have places to be but do you mind if I just stop right here and cause a jam?
Instead I’ll wave and that’ll be that.  Maybe I’ll see you later at Starbucks, hopefully, if the universe thinks I should have a good day.

person holding cup of coffees on table
Photo by Victor Freitas on Pexels.com

Or that one night I was out at a bar with my friends celebrating birthdays, and we’re all sitting down with a few new guy friends, right?  Right.  So we’re laughing, having fun, and one of them looks at me and says “watch this.”  A few seconds later he hands me a FLOWER made from a NAPKIN and naturally I thought it was the coolest thing I’ve ever seen in my life.  Does this really happen to people?  Is this just birthday luck?  Who is this guy?  Did he also just hand me a ring he made from a dollar bill?
I need another drink.

If you think I wore that dollar bill ring and carried that flower around all night you are absolutely correct.
If you also think we never got in touch again after that night, and have since just gone our separate ways, then you are also absolutely correct.
(For the record, there are video tutorials online for anyone who wants to learn either of these fun (and easy) party tricks.)

And at the autumn fairs when my girlfriend and I are walking around desperate to find cow-spotted overalls, asking every cute guy working the games or food booths if they have seen them anywhere.  Hey, maybe we find them, maybe we get a double date out of it.   Either way, it’s win.
(It’s really a win when the guy lets your little cousin win the goldfish no matter what, even though none of us are really that great at throwing the bouncy balls into the small fish bowls.  Oh, then he offers to find you a job.  Good man, but no thank you.)

woman standing on metal fence near boy wearing black cap
Photo by Amanda Cottrell on Pexels.com

Or on the commute to work, I pass by a cute firefighter on the train.  We don’t speak to one another, but we exchange a single head nod and mutually understand that it replaces all niceties and small talk.

Just past that hero are the men in suits travelling to their finance desk jobs.  How riveting.  I think about how they could set me up for life and I could have my beach house and travel and never have to do my own finances.  But, then again, are they really worth my time?  I can settle with secretly admiring, and judging, them from a few rows away.

Or the ever so precious teenager that works the register at Target, right as the sale on bralettes goes live.  Poor timing for him because, I’m sorry, but us 20-somethings cannot pass up a bralette sale.  He turns bright red as he has to handle the lacy bras, like he is so embarrassed to be touching anything that isn’t a video game.  Just know that you are adorable and you made me giggle all day long at the thought of this encounter.

woman winter gloves winter clothing
Photo by Kristin Vogt on Pexels.com

We could talk about my personal favorite: the lingering eyes at the gym.  When I go over to the ‘heavy’ machinery where I need to share the equipment with these boys who are so clearly always skipping leg day.  When I just go over, adjust the weights, and quickly glance around to see a handful of these people looking at me as if I don’t belong, as if I shouldn’t know how to use this stuff.  As if there’s no way I could have played collegiate athletics before I became washed up and had to do these drills at 5am every week.
(Silly boys.  Surprise!  I squat more than you do.)
But their faces when they realize I actually know what I’m doing, that I don’t need a spotter, and have better form than most of them?  Well, that’s priceless.  It’s the little things, right?

(for the record: i’m kidding.  this is not my favorite.  please don’t actually watch women exercise.  I know you love to record yourself lifting, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no one actually cares that you went to the gym.  so mind your own beeswax, please.)

two woman doing exercise
Photo by Luis Quintero on Pexels.com

Nonetheless, shout out to all of the men that keep us on our toes as we roam through our day-to-day life.  The ones that are polite, kind, and give us a little hope for the future of mankind.  And here’s to all the women I can turn to and tell these stories with, and for everyone who shared with me their own encounters so I could put together this piece.

It’s still amazing to me that I can run into so many people, and meet so many strangers, and yet I still have not run into Chris Pine.  Maybe someday, if the universe thinks I deserve a good week.  Until then, bad rom-coms it is.

 

JustRachel, Relationships

To the Boys I Shouldn’t Have Given My Number To

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unknown: Hey beautiful.! What’s Up

me: “I’m sorry who is this?” “I am not trying to be rude”

unknown: “You are beautiful -”

me: “Thank you… who are you?”

unknown: “I’m paul, steve, joe…[insert generic name here]”

We all have those days when an ex or a non-entity texts you and you have no clue in the world who they are. For me, this has happened more than once but last night was the strangest occurrence at all.

Last night, while in class I received a text from an unknown number. A boy claiming we met at a party, but his story didn’t add up.

Now, it was not too hard to make a select number of guesses before realizing that 1. I had met this boy online and not in person. 2. nothing he was trying to sell me was true and 3. it is because of people like this that I realize that I probably shouldn’t have access to a phone two – three out of seven days a week.

See when it comes to giving out my number I tend to say why not – and regret the rest later [ I mean why else would someone invent a block button other than to annul mistakes made? right? ] wrong.

And here are 5 reasons why

  1. boy or girl – it doesn’t matter who is on the other end of the line, if you do not know who he or she is, they haven’t put the work in to be worth your time.
  2. if they start with “hey beautiful” it’s a line – don’t let this society continue to allow it.
  3. if they want a picture – wholesome or otherwise, they will ask for your social media… it’s verified – legitimate and the facts will add up.
  4. if they want you, they will ask for a date
  5. if they don’t want you-you will immediately be able to tell what they do want – then walk away.

Key Takeaways

Learn from my failures

Never give out your number while intoxicated because it truly never ends well.

And by this, I do not mean I have ever been in danger, but it is a general uncomfy feeling that could have been avoided in the first place had I had the ability to meet people the generic way rather than online.

Protect your personal info

and in general – avoid online dating because the longer you keep it online the less and less likely it is to become real – so if they don’t want a date within two weeks, they aren’t worth your time and walking away will be the best thing you can do.