I have never been one to be silly in the face of serious. It is not my style, nor my strong suit—but in recent months, both myself and the world have shifted. So, to that end, I have decided to take some moments here and there to embrace my inner silly goose and fold in some light-hearted fun into more serious topics around me.
The most recent adventure? Crafting the perfect “hear me out” Presidential cabinet using only fictional characters.
In recent months, the “hear me out cake” trend on TikTok brought friends together to laugh and share which fictional characters they would date or “have relations with.” Ranging from completely understandable to arguably unhinged, the “hear me out” aspect of the game is meant to explain some picks’ unexpected or odd nature. The game consists of a group of friends who prepare a cake as well as a handful of fictional “hear me out crushes” printed out and placed on skewers so that they may go around and stick those picks into the cake.
In some ways this game is not unlike a fantasy football draft. Or maybe it isn’t at all, I can’t say I really understand fantasy football…But in most ways it is just meant to be a game and an excuse to get together for some light hearted fun.
While some cakes are objectively better than others, while some people seem to be more skilled when it comes to picking characters that no one would expect, it’s important to note that the result of the trend is not to date fictional characters but rather to create laughter and be silly among friends.
Which got me thinking…
As someone known to have far better taste in fictional characters than real-life partners, very few of my “hear me out” partners, needed hearing out. In fact, of the picks I sent to my friends only one made no sense and so, instead of changing my tastes, instead of googling the most pure-hearted but not conventionally unattractive characters, I decided I’d change the game.
—because if I can’t be silly for the sake of silly, maybe, for once, I can be silly for the sake of being a little more seriously unserious…
Introducing, the “hear me out” perfect Presidential cabinet edition
But before I share my picks allow me to share a smidge more context…
In recent weeks there have been multiple announcements of the next administration’s cabinet. Some picks the public agrees with, some the public does not, but it got me thinking. If I had the chance to build a presidential cabinet… using only fictional characters… who would I choose? and would people agree or disagree? And thus the game was born…
The Cabinet is an advisory body made up of the heads of the 15 executive departments. Appointed by the President and confirmed by the Senate, the members of the Cabinet are often the President’s closest confidants. In addition to running major federal agencies, they play an important role in the Presidential line of succession — after the Vice President, Speaker of the House, and Senate President pro tempore, the line of succession continues with the Cabinet offices in the order in which the departments were created. All the members of the Cabinet take the title Secretary, excepting the head of the Justice Department, who is styled Attorney General.
Below I have crafted what I believe to be a pretty solid Presidential Cabinet… (minus the top most positions that represent the President and his or her line of succession) The cabinet I have chosen to build is one that prioritizes Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion but also aims to be somewhat bipartisan. Representing some but not all of the best aspects of my childhood (and then some). As such, these 15 characters hope to fill 15 positions that would make up the larger part of our Executive branch of government come February and it will be up to you whether or not they get that chance…
All in all this silly activity has allowed me to tackle stress while also providing the added benefit of learning a bit more about what the leadership roles below, play in our country. It is by no means meant to poke fun at the very real decisions that are to be made by our top levels of government nor does it underwrite the time and energy that goes into making those selections. After reading this I encourage you to get together with friends and build your own perfect cabinet and, if you feel so inclined, share your picks in the comments below!
And with that… here we go and happy hiring!
psa: for more info and a refresher on what role each title primarily plays—go to Whitehouse.gov
DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE: Mother Nature, specifically the “mother nature” portrayed in Disney’s Fantasia 2000.
This Mother Nature is being nominated for her unique ability to recover a world impacted by wildfires and climate change. She also has a more calm and quiet leadership style that will not intimidate any men who work under her. She is also big on personal growth and has a green (everything).
DEPARTMENT OF COMMERCE: Willy Wonka specifically played by Timothee Chalamet in “Wonka” the newest adaptation of the Roald Dahl classic, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.”
While I am very much fond of the classic Gene Wilder’s Willy Wonka, and while Gene is just as qualified as Timothee (being the same character at different ages), the committee has determined that this new fictional government will benefit from the fresh and hopeful perspectives of a young Wonka compared to the ones played by Gene or even Johnny Depp. Similarly, Wonka, at all ages, is known to take great care of those whom he employs. He has an aptitude for diversity initiatives and innovation while also adding a unique sweetness to the lives of any and all who cross his path.
DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE: James “Rhodey” Rhodes aka Iron Patriot of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
While no one matches the finesse of Robert Downey Jr. aka Tony Stark aka Iron Man (RIP). We in the nominating committee feel that the Department of Defense is best lead by someone who has a proven track record of duty and service and whose convictions and honor guide them throughout their days. For those reasons, no one is more qualified than Colonel James Rhodes aka Iron Patriot.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION: Miss Frizzle from “the Magic School Bus.”
While the next administration “IRL” has declared intentions to dismantle the DOE, we feel that the next generation of young Americans would benefit most from the innovative and abnormal direction that Miss Frizzle takes her class. The committee firmly believes that dismantling the Department of Education is an act that undoubtedly seeks to create a more uninformed and controllable voter base than what exists today and as such, our response is to leverage a candidate that is arguably uncontrollable slightly unhinged and excessively educated.
DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY: Phineas and Ferb.
With only “104 days of summer vacation until school comes around just to end it” Brothers, Phineas and Ferb are determined to get things done in the most efficient way. Phineas and Ferb are able to achieve more than most in far less time and for these reasons and others, American energy would be more than secure in their hands. [We also don’t exactly have the budget for qualified adults considering what Mother Nature cost but were working on reworking that budget with the Treasury and are more than convinced that our nominated pick can find the money needed…]
DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES (HHS): Dr. Oak from the Pokemon franchise.
Disruptive innovation in health often requires a more holistic and global approach. One that explores the impact of both what we put in our bodies as well as what our bodies are surrounded by. For these reasons the members of the nominating committee belive that HHS will be in great hands with Dr. Oak. For additional context…Dr. Oak has dedicated his life to understanding the symbiosis of humans and Pokemon. He has studied nature, monsters, and humans alike and in a world where so many things impact our overall health, he is just the kind of approachable guy to appeal to both sides of the aisle. [Dr. Oak is also a strong supporter of vaccinations because if you thought Rabies was bad… wait till you see what happens if you take a bite from a Bidoof.]
DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY: Elastigirl from the Incredibles
Some men today believe that a woman’s place is in the home, Elastigirl disagrees and so do we on the nominating committee. Elastigirl, like many modern super women has proven more than capable of balancing two lives, one public and one private, and the fact that she is a mother of three only further proves that she has what it takes (the flexibility, skills and proven track record) to tackle any and all threats that come our way.
DEPARTMENT OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT (HUD): The house from Encanto
The Madrigal House is the most qualified individual to ever be put up for HUD secretary. And before anyone accuses this magical home that was, like our great nation, built by immigrants, of taking “American” jobs, please take a moment to consider if any person place or thing is more qualified than a house that (FOR FREE) custom designs magical spaces and represents the lifeblood, hopes and unique dreams of a multi-generational and loving family. [as an aside, the magic staircase from Harry Potter was also on the shortlist but it was determined that they would be better suited for a supporting role. The Madrigal House was ultimately our first choice and we are immensely glad that they have committed to sign on to our administration.]
DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR (DOI): Kenai from Brother Bear (in bear form)
When it comes to the debate of man vs bear, America has overwhelmingly voted for the bear, and so has Kenai. So we, as the members of the nominating committee, thought, “well, it’s time to listen and give the people what they want.” For too long our country has been legislated by those who have stolen land from indigenous tribes and ignored lessons learned in prioritizing profit over natural beauty and the health of the planet. Kenai, understands better than anyone the importance of focusing on the future for all and the relationship that exists between past and future as well as nature and man. The main role of the DOI secretary is to preserve our country’s protected land and resources as such, no man “or bear” is more uniquely qualified than Kenai for this role.
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE: Gal Gidot’s Wonder Woman
The nominating committee feels no real need to elaborate on this pick as it is kind of the most obvious choice…
DEPARTMENT OF LABOR: Hector “Zero” Zeroni from the movie “Holes”
After enduring the absolute worst working conditions known to man, at the hands of “the Warden” (played by legendary actress Sigourney Weaver) and eventually being carried to the top of “Gods thumb” by best friend, Stanley Yelnats, breaking a generational curse, inheriting millions and finding his long lost mother. No one is more qualified to handle the Department of Labor than “Zero.” In a world of people that say, “I suffered, you’ll be fine.” Be the kind that says, “I suffered, now you don’t have to.” [Hector also has indicated a desire to spend any free time outside of his role to aid in the arduous task of reforming the United States prison system.]
DEPARTMENT OF STATE: Lilo Pelekai of the 2002 movie Lilo & Stitch
At age 6, Lilo Pelekai found an unlikely friend in a little blue space alien (Stitch aka Experiment 626) whom she met at her local pound [point is worth noting for the “adopt don’t shop” crowd specifically], Lilo then saved Stitch (who was later found to have been actively abused and used for alien testing) from those who wished to re-abduct him. Thus, by age 6, Lilo had more experience with diplomacy and foreign policy than anyone else on the planet. In 2024, Lilo is now 28 years old and will be one of the youngest members of the cabinet but she is also most qualified not only to negotiate foreign relations with our planetary allies and adversaries but also handle any issues that may arise out of the UAP hearings that happened this past week. The hearings say we aren’t alone in the cosmos… Lilo has proof that backs those claims and his name is Stitch.
DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION: Thomas the Tank Engine
While we had originally planned to offer this position to right-wing favorite and Kansas native Mater aka “Tow Mater” who was wildly known from his work on Cars, the popular movie about Cars released in 2006, recent statements made by the Tow Truck regarding a desire to return to the 50’s on his social media networks have forced us to go in a more reliable direction. [It is important to also note that as a “international boom truck” Mater was born in the 50’s and it is extremely unlikely that his memory of that time is at all accurate to the adult American experience in that era.] That said, while Thomas the Tank Engine isn’t the most popular choice among transportation experts, while he isn’t as flashy as a pick like, “The Boat Mobile” (Spongebob) or “The Bat Mobile” (Batman) we, in the nominating committee, and those in the President’s office feel that Thomas’ “I think I can” attitude is just what our nation needs to get “back on track” (pun intended).
DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY: Robin Hood
Keeping in line with a trend for our Transportation secretary, the nomination committee would like to acknowledge that while fan favorite, Mr. Krabs, seemed like the most frugal and bipartisan pick, and while his plans to safeguard the wealth of this nation were unique, we would like to offer up our alternate suggestion of Sir Robin Hood of Locksley. Robin Hood has a bit of a checkered past, he has been known to “steal from the rich and give to the poor” and if accepted he has made assurances to reduce the “stealing” that he may or may not be guilty of, in order to create a responsible plan to redistribute the massive amounts of wealth in the nation and balance some of our nations debts as well.
DEPARTMENT OF VETERANS AFFAIRS: Jorgan Von Strangle
The nominating committee feels no real need to elaborate on this pick as it is kind of the most obvious choice… plus he’s also good with kids…
Closing statements
I, as the sole member of “the nominating committee” would now like to thank anyone who has made it to this point of the blog. I know it was a long one and I can also fully acknowledge that it got more and more wild toward the end but, I hope you enjoyed it anyway.
As was written before, feel free to add your picks to the comment section or take time on your own with friends to play. And if anyone is feeling extra bold, tell me which fictional character you believe would best fill the roles I did not fill but may make sense for the cabinet above ie. President, VP, etc.
I recently saw a video where this life or acting coach helped people free themselves from trying to “be cool” by acting so foolish that they couldn’t fake being cool anymore. It immediately freed them from their ego and allowed them to get back to being themeselves etc. & I need that. So. That said, the following chaos is 100% intentional. Welcome back.
I have been stuck. For a while. Well, not “me” physically. I’m not stuck. To be clear: I am not stuck physically,
(as an aside: quick sand isn’t as much of a problem as scooby doo led me to believe it would be growing up—I also don’t get offered free drugs to say no to so…)
but, I am in my writing. To reitterate: I am not stuck but my writing is. My writting is dramatically stuck in… Limbo? In editing mode. In drafts. In random word documents and journal entries and notes app notes. Point is…my writing has been stuck. All of it. Everything. For a while.
And even writing this is starting to feel like nails on the chalkboard because the other versions I created were so much more neat and tidy—and incomplete—but thats not the point—and even if it was, they, those neat and tidy, and unfinished versions, wouldn’t help me break the habit I am trying to break so here we are. Here we are, back at it again… *sighs* Hi. What’s up. It’s been a minute. Hi.
Anyway…A couple years back I fell into the terrible habit of writing to “sound smart”—which mostly just makes me feel dumb because no matter how pretty it is or how nicely it rolls off my tongue or tickles my brain, it isn’t me.
I mean it is… but it isn’t.
It is… but it takes forever and it’s too polished. It’s too intentioned and it’s not as fun and at this point it’s honestly kind of annoying. So here we are.
There was a time in my life where I could sit down and write pages of content. Poems and plays and novels in november and I loved it. It was freeing and it was fun. It didn’t feel as hard, it didn’t feel like work…It was just, fun. But I already said that so…
Let me try again…
I used to be a good writer. Self proclaimed, most days, but I guess other people liked it too? Which isn’t the point… the point is—I used to be a good writer, not because people liked it, but because I had something to say. Something to get out. I had stories to tell.
And it didn’t always make sense, it was rarely written for the masses but it meant something to me and it saved me from myself more than once. Then somewhere along the way I got stuck. I got tripped up by wanting to sound smart or not say anything controvercial or… be “good enough.” But doing all that killed my voice and ruined my writing.
So here we are! Rambling… with the intention to publish said ramblings and get out of my own way and get out of this funk. Hopefully.
Fact of the matter is this—Sounding smart or at least wanting to sound smart hasn’t gotten me anywhere. It has only held me back in my writing.
So here I am, trying something new, rolling with the stream of concious, not trying to sound smart, or edit too much and at the end I will hit send and then I’ll do this again and again and again. Or try to. Until I fix myself.
Until I can write as me. Until I can stop trying to just “sound smart” and just be smart. Or at the very least be me. Until I can tell my ego to “suck it,” respectfully, of course.
The pandemic has sucked for most people; I think we can all agree on that, right? I don’t know a single person who has said, “Yeah, Covid was actually so cool and I’m so glad that it happened!” Sure, the first few months were pretty neat: jobs furloughing, staying home, less crowded public spaces, etc., but a vast majority of people I know have either lost loved ones to Covid, put on unwanted weight, developed serious depression and/or anxiety, or had long-standing relationships fail as a result of the strain the pandemic has put on everyone. It feels like looking back on life pre-Covid is akin to peering into an alternate dimension; things were so similar, but they were also, so, so different. I spent most of the pandemic unemployed and moving from place to place, and I did my fair share of burning bridges over the past three years. But I wanted to share a story with you; not a story about how traumatic life has been, or how hard I was tested, but a story about the one thing that the pandemic didn’t break: hope.
I recently moved to Saskatchewan to live with my wife. I’m currently a stay at home husband while we wait for my permanent residence application to finish processing so that I can get a job. I live in a beautiful home with a beautiful partner and four beautiful cats, which is in very stark contrast to living with my parents and having a toxic/abusive mother constantly test the thickness of the thread I was holding on by. I can play video games as much or as little as I want to; I can cook and eat whatever foods I want to; my wife and I can communicate in a healthy way and stay dedicated to growing our life and our love together; I have a healthy sex life for the first time in 29 years; I quite literally do not have a care in the world right now. By all accounts of my own expectations, I have “made it.” This is everything I could have ever dreamed my life would be. I can go to bed at 3AM, wake up at noon, make myself a coffee, and do whatever I want to do with my. Albeit, my wife and I do most things together when she’s not working, but as an acute care nurse who works 12 hour alternating day and night shifts, I end up having a lot of time to myself. I get to be the crazy cat father and chase our four malevolent gargoyles around the house all day and snuggle with them all night. I am by all accounts, the happiest I have ever been in my life, and I know that my wife and I are committed to keeping these feelings alive together for both of us. But that’s not to say this doesn’t come with a cost.
My wife was previously married, a relationship that ended abruptly in October of 2022 when her late husband lost his battle with depression and took his own life. She and I have been very close friends for over a decade and a half, and I was supposed to be at her first wedding but wasn’t able to make it. Her late husband and I were also good friends because of how close she and I have been the last sixteen years, and losing him has left a hole in the hearts of so many people. I’ve become rather accustomed to losing loved ones though; a large number of people that I knew in high school and college have passed away, so grief is something I’ve unfortunately become very used to. I spent countless hours talking with my wife in the immediate aftermath of her late husband’s passing. Fast forward 8 months and we decided that we were going to get married. Skip another month and we applied for spousal sponsorship for me to live here. Now we’re almost five months into my stay here, and everything has been so egregiously lovely and beautiful, save for one role that I feel like I need to fill. We all have roles that we play in life; we’re all a daughter, son, sister, brother, father, mother, friend, etc., and I’m obviously no exception. I’ve been a son to my parents for 29 years, and a brother to my siblings for just as long. I know it’s my own brain creating this illusion, but I feel like I’m not having to step into the role of “replacement husband.” I’m coming into the life of my wife’s late husband’s friends and family in a position where I feel like I’m expected to be a replacement for him. Nobody has ever expressed this to me, and I know these are weights that I need to put down, but I can’t seem to let go the notion that I have to be a son to his parents, or be the same friend that was to his friends. Survivor’s guilt seems like a tacky way to put it, but it’s hard not to feel that way when most of the friends and family that my wife has introduced me to were at least acquainted with her late husband. I just want to be me, and I just want my brain to be content with where we are, because it’s the happiest place I’ve ever been. Even as I’m writing this now, I’m having text conversations with some of my wife’s friends; they have been nothing but welcoming to me as a new part of her life, and as such, a new part of their lives as well. I just need to convince my brain that everything is okay, and that any pressure I feel is entirely self-inflicted.
In not so many words, I still have a lot of work to do. I need to find a way to reconcile the person that I am, with the person that my brain expects me to be given the position I’m in. I still need to go to the gym to stay healthy. I still need to practice mediation to keep myself calm. I still need to find a job when the time comes. I don’t say all this seeking pity from an internet full of strangers, and I don’t say any of this to pit myself for the position I’m in. I’m sharing this little bit of my story with anyone who might need to hear this: nobody truly has it all figured out. I’m someone who has “has it made” as people say. I have no “adult responsibilities” that concern money or jobs or anything like that; but I still need to hold myself accountable for the things that I owe other people. I owe my wife a life full of love, peace, calm, and safety, because that was robbed from her last time; I owe her late husband’s friends and family an honest attempt to be a part of their life, because they want to see her happy as much as I do, and we’re much more likely to achieve that goal together; I owe myself a mental break after surviving the worst three years of my life back to back to back; I owe the friends I’ve lost a life worth living. I carry them with me as a reminder to work hard on the important things, and to spread love wherever I go. If all I have left of them is memories, then I’ll spend my life creating memories for myself and everyone around me.
I’ve more or less turned this into a stream of consciousness of some sort, but I will attempt to wrap the things I’ve learned over the last three years up. Never stop growing; there are always improvements to be made on who we are as people. There will always be “something more” that we can do in some regard, an it’s increasingly important that we continue to recognize that sometimes “something more” can mean “resting.”
In the last decade I have witnessed the rise of an American President who can be accurately compared to Hitler, seen my country turn toward a reality that is not unlike “a handmaids tale,” and watched as womenhood and manhood are reduced to their biological makeup.
In the last decade, I have seen the near fall of Democracy, the start of the rise of fascism in the U.S., and seen schools turned into war zones where children have essentially become “acceptable losses” to maintain freedoms they are often too young to comprehend.
It’s easy to condemn fictional characters – it’s harder to realize that you’re living their story.
I don’t believe the narrative that humanity is inherently violent. Though, much like saying “boys will be boys,” I think believing violence is biological can be used as a means to excuse the presence of it. I don’t believe the narrative that people are born good or evil, though it is probably easier to separate ourselves from “evil” people when we claim they were born that way. I understand and half believe the narrative that in times long before organized society that this world existed in a state of nature vs man and… I believe that in a world and a reality where we rarely have control of anything that happens around us we can have absolute control of the choices we make and the way we react to situations.
And I believe that none of us are innocent in believing that we have never made the wrong ones.
Welcome to adolescence, your training starts now
Growing up I thought weapons looked a certain way. I’d hear the word and images of sharp objects and combustible materials would immediately come to mind. Then I grew up and I found something else entirely to be true. I grew up and I realized that the things we, as humans, use to harm other humans are not limited to the things we can build, but also to the things we can imagine – because often, the things we can say are much more harmful than anything we can do.
Kids today are at more risk of violence on multiple fronts than I was when I was their age. This doesn’t make them victims or mean we have to hide them away in towers or make laws to limit their access to things – but it does mean we have to play a more active role in discouraging such things.
Keeping someone away from a dark alley and what danger may rest in it doesn’t remove the threat – it just transfers the risk from you to someone else. Keeping people offline or keeping them away from certain ideals may “protect” them (or your beliefs) in the short term but then when they inevitably face that danger (or those “alternative” beliefs) when they are deemed “old enough” – they might not know how to handle it.
Welcome to adulthood – now choose your weapon
As an adult, when I think of weapons, I still think of knives, of guns, of explosives, and of hands with bad intentions. I think of weapons and my mind still fills with images of everything from simple objects to complex tools. But I also think of other ways to be wounded. More ways than I ever thought possible.
For example, I think of how much it hurts when parts of us that get buried with a loved one. I think of how scary it can be when we allow parts of us that exist outside of us in friendships/relationships that could end. As an adult I think of weapons and I think of the infinite ways one person can hurt another – and then I decide I never want to do or use any of those things against someone else.
Every day I actively decide to do my best to support the people I love and to have compassion for the ones I don’t know or the ones who’s choices I may not understand. And right now, for me, that’s what life is about. It’s about making choices to be decent and spread decency because in a world where some chose to give in to their darkest impulses – many more chose light.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
In a world full of darkness I chose to have my weapon be light. It sounds silly, and in this country, it would probably lead many people to laugh – but it’s my choice and I know it will continue to serve me well.
Look, in my very blunt opinion I think most things about growing up suck. I think we live in a world where we are threatened if we are different and we are threatened if we support those who are. I think we are undervalued and underpaid and most of us are tired and frustrated and all of that really does suck.
AND
I believe that in this country many of us want good and I know that none of us chose the “war” we currently exist in – but it’s here and every day we have the choice of how we want to fight it. And lastly, I believe that sometimes, the best way to fight is not at all. By all means, don’t be passive, and for the love of all that’s good don’t stay quiet – but chose light and encourage those around you to do the same.
Last week, while walking through Target (as one does), a young mom complimented my hoodie; any other day that wouldn’t have inspired a blog post, but the reason this time did – that hoodie read “Awkward N’ Adulting.”
Look, I’ve been doing this thing for a while; we might even be coming up close to 5 years now, but of all the years I have been doing this, I think some of my best work came in the early days. The days when I cared less about sounding smart, or profound, or in the loop – and more about sounding like what I was and frankly what I still am – someone who is just trying to figure herself and this world out.
When I started this blog my goal was to focus on topics that would help people like me feel less alone in their “Adulting” experiences. I wanted to tackle the topics that made growing up feel awkward and uncomfortable and even disingenuous at times. And for a while that is exactly what my team and I did. Anyway, years passed things changed, it’s just me now blah blah blah, which brings us to now. [Insert explanation on how the topics I’ve been trying to tackle lately (while relevant) are too big swingy for the post turn around times I’d like to maintain.] Anyway, anyway, long story short – I want to get back to my roots. I want to stop trying to dissect big issues and focus on what’s really important – the little stuff. So let’s talk about some little stuff – let’s talk about the pressure to be qualified and the stress that comes with feeling unqualified.
The starting line
Sometimes it feels like the pressure I feel so heavily now, started when it was time for me to enter (and stay entered in) the workforce, but that’s a lie.
Truth is (at least the way I see it), my ability to build my credentials started long before I was made to sit down and jot them down on a piece of paper or a LinkedIn account. And while I could take that sentiment and run with it as a statement on privilege and the expectations people are born into I’d rather keep it a bit lighter by starting in school.
The early times we have to qualify
Even in our earliest years of schooling we are required to meet some sort of criteria to qualify to attend. Parents of kindergarteners and pre-kers are expected to equip their kids with certain skills or lessons to grant their children the access to learn more. Then slowly but surely, the responsibility shifts to us and with each new year we, as students must carry on that torch by passing a series of tests (written and otherwise) to continue to progress. It isn’t until we reach a certain age that we realize how much we had to do or how much we had to overcome to merely exist (without disproportionate resistance) in certain sectors of society. [and keep in mind some people have to learn this much earlier than others based on who they are or what “limitations” they have when compared to the more “accepted standard” of society]
Then, seemingly before we know it, those of us who are lucky enough to keep moving and progressing without too much resistance, age into more opportunities. Opportunities like being able to work and drive and vote and fight; and despite the fact that we either feel or are completely unqualified to take on these roles, we do. This then continues the cycle by allowing us the freedom to learn more things and do more things and it gives us the confidence to chase more difficult opportunities and develop relationships etc. etc. and so on.
Until we apply for something like college, or a non entry level job…
Maybe it’s more about the shift in resistance?
I know I have been using a handful of generalizations thus far, but to be clear, I obviously can’t speak for everyone. So I’ll shift to my own experience.
In my own experience, stress becomes more common when I have something to lose or if something is out of my control. In other words, life becomes a bit trickier when I have planned my next move, but it feels like someone else gets to decide if that step forward is one I am allowed to take. This happened when being accepted to college, to an athletic team, getting a job, and often time it also applied to relationships as well.
Now, to be fair, that stress doesn’t actually come from me being unqualified to get the job or date the person or place in the competition. That kind of stress came and continues to come from not being used to the resistance that comes with being able to progress to the next level.
Maybe it’s about believing I am not enough?
When I first started applying for jobs I was so terrified. I was scared that I wasn’t good enough or worthy of the opportunity. Because of this I often took the first offer I was given. In most cases the employer wasn’t intentionally taking advantage of the situation but I was definitely underwriting my own worth and what values I brought to the situation. In half of those situations my inability to realize my own self worth lead me to making the wrong decision.
Luckily my ability to value myself in the workplace has gotten easier as I have gained confidence and experience. And I suppose this is natural progression I was meant to take on in life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wish it had come with much less pressure to feel qualified or to live up to extreme expectations. So I guess looking back I wish I had told myself I was enough more, but then again I suppose that’s the power of retrospect.
Maybe it’s about being compatible?
In my own experience, not getting a job or losing a job or getting ghosted has felt a lot like not being enough, but getting stuck in that way of thinking neglects another variable, compatibility.
In my early years, and I think this might be a similar experience for a few of us, but, in my early years there wasn’t much of an issue with compatibility. I mean school wasn’t easy with a learning disability, but it wasn’t impossible given the support systems I was lucky enough to have. Not to mention when it comes to schooling, especially certain schools, there is a lot lower bar when it comes to being accepted. [Not from a social standpoint obviously but from the perspective that access to some level of schooling is somewhat accessible to a wide variety of individuals.]
And thinking about it, maybe this was intentional. For me and for a handful of others who experienced life in a similar way. Maybe, given the proper tools, some of us are allowed to progress through a path of minimal or medium resistance in our early years allowing us to gather more confidence in tackling bigger challenges. And this is not to say that adjusting to those new challenges was any easier, but at least I was given the confidence to lunge toward those things. But then again maybe having less resistance early on, while a great boost to confidence, also made it more difficult to adjust to the larger expectations and requirements that come with an increased demand of compatibility and an increased level of resistance.
So maybe I am lucky to look back at a time that felt challenging in the moment and now feel able to take chances, even if they are not given or even if I am not compatable with them. But maybe I am also allowed to acknowledge that being lucky to have that perspective doesn’t negate the fact that I also feel stressed or inferior or “unqualified.” Maybe I am able to acknowledge how many advantages I have while also feeling the things and all the discomfort that comes with the current situation.
Maybe feeling and being don’t have to be mutually exclusive?
In my life I have grown and learned and felt. In my life I have had moments where my confidence in my abilities was overwritten by one person’s opinion or a mere lack of compatibility in a certain situation but I have also had moments where I felt like the credit I was receiving was more than I deserved. In other words, I have been given opportunities and I have missed out on them, and I suppose that is the way life goes. But of all the ways life is supposed to go, one thing I have struggled with more than most others is (particularly in opportunity based situations) separating my feelings from some of the truth’s of a given situation. And I want to do better at that.
So, I guess what I am trying to say is that there are a lot of things in this society that have and continue to require us to qualify. And I suppose the point I am trying to make is that while I am not always as qualified as I would like to think, I am also not nearly as unqualified as I often feel myself to be. And maybe you or someone you know can relate to that too.
But, at the end of the day, I guess this is all to say that life is complicated. That I and we may have times where we feel like imposters or like we are not good enough. Hell, we may have times when people even tell us as much. But I guess something I am trying to learn as I grow is that just because I don’t feel like I am something right now, or just because I believe I am not what I have been time tested and trained to be, doesn’t mean it’s true. And maybe the same can be said for you.
The meaning of ‘unqualified’
Maybe none of us feel qualified for anything and everything we do, maybe the ones who think they are, actually aren’t. Maybe none of us actually have a clue – but hey, maybe that’s the point. Maybe that’s just part of being awkward and Adulting.
With the exclusion of what I like to call “womb-mates” (twins, triplets, etc.), who may or may not bear an uncanny resemblance to you, there is no one on, above, or under this planet that is exactly like you in any way. The experiences you have, the privileges or struggles you are born into, the way your hair falls – every aspect is unique. So why are we constantly comparing ourselves to others? And keep in mind that “others” could also refer to yourself because I don’t know about you, but I am just as guilty of comparing me to past me as I am to someone who certainly is not me.
3 reasons to not…
(1) The version of you that fit in “those jeans” wouldn’t fit into the life you have built for yourself: I saw this picture the other day that said,
“those extra 5-10 pounds, that place where your body naturally wants to be – that’s your life. That’s your late night pizza with your man, that Sunday morning bottomless brunch, your favorite cupcake in the whole entire world because you want to treat yourself. Those 5-10 pounds are your favorite memories, your unforgettable trips, your celebrations of life. Those extra 5-10 pounds are your spontaneity, your freedom, your love.”
anyway, it really resonated with me, not just because I love brunch but because some of the “extra” pounds I wear are due to meals I love or medications I need; and for a while I let it get to me but it’s far more worth it to be healthy than it is to fit any kind of aesthetic.
(2) Wishing you could “be someone else” (in the moment they are in) solely based on the parts of them that you can see, minimizes their experiences and gives you an excuse to fall short of the best version of yourself. Almost every single time I look at someone else and say, “I want that” – it comes with a reason why I can’t. And the reason why I can’t is almost never rationalized as an “I can’t right now” but an “I’m not them so I can’t ever.” So for example – I’ll find myself scrolling through Instagram and falling on an influencers page and thinking “I want to travel the world, but I can’t because I don’t have the time or the money.” And the truth of that is that it wouldn’t be impossible for me to do it but I am choosing not to because I don’t want to save the money or take the risk of leaving my job blah blah blah. My thinking this way completely minimizes whatever effort that person put in to living that life but worse than that it gives me an out on why I don’t have to work for it because I just want it right now.
(3) The rules have changed: The world we have inherited from the generation before us is not the same as the world they grew up in and neither is the economy. At this point, the playbook they keep telling us to follow is for an entirely different game and the more we try to follow it, the more we will disappoint ourselves for not getting the results we were conditioned to want. Maybe what we need is less coaching and more giving ourselves some grace.
The takeaway
Throughout my journey into and through adulthood, I have had to do a lot of unlearning. Whether it be toxic ideologies from society or my own expectations of where I should or should have been by x age – things in my life and especially in my 20’s just lead me to this path of constantly comparing myself to others rather than noting and appreciating where I am at.
In other words, when it comes to comparing myself to others or to previous versions of myself I am as guilty as the next person; and while I definitely doubt I will stop doing it after writing this, I did want to take some time today to mark down some reminders of why continuing to do this isn’t actually benefiting me, and why it probably isn’t helping you either.
So after reading this maybe you feel like you can relate, or maybe you feel like you can’t but either way I hope you can give yourself some grace.
One of my favorite things about having studied art and literature is how often and how much we were encouraged to develop our own interpretations of what is laid out in front of us.
I mean, think about it, in a world where so many ideas are meant to be seen as concrete (or black and white), where history (no matter how skewed in favor of the victor) is not to be questioned (or “changed”), where math is often to be solved in a particular way, and where science is to be structured and methodical for the sake of safety or accuracy – art and language are the first areas where we as people and as students are not asked to recite information but rather to reflect on it.
In school, time spent reflecting was often my favorite time spent. Poetry allowed someone like me, someone with an overactive mind, to relish in the multiple trains of thought that could be pulled from a single line. And in college, I found comfort in surrounding myself with people who enjoyed doing the same.
As an adult, however, I’m not sure I still hold the same fondness for interpretation as I once did. Part of this is because, outside of novels, poetry, and literature the loudest voices are often the ones who speak for attention rather than speaking with intention. Part of this is because the same people who wrote off writing as just a “required credit” class are now in charge of sharing vast amounts of information and can’t seem to do so in a clear, concise, or even logical way. But mostly I think it’s just because a lot of voices lack real creativity – which is just to say that we get the same rehearsed rhetoric (the same full stop labels) over and over and over again without a consideration of whether it actually applies to the topic being discussed.
That said, this week I read a take (one that was thankfully not political) that made me roll my eyes. It read (paraphrased), “employees don’t leave bad companies – they leave bad managers.” And truthfully (and probably obviously since it inspired a blog) the quote boiled my blood a bit – and let me tell you why…
Let’s stop pretending managers are the problem
According to some light research – the original phrase (that inspired the one I found as well as dozens of other articles) was, “Employees don’t leave companies – they leave managers.” [Marcus Buckingham, First, Break All the Rules: What the World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently] and it first appeared in Marcus Buckingham’s: First, Break All the Rules: What the World’s Greatest Managers Do Differently, in 1998. And while I have no doubt that one company or another didn’t try to use that excuse before Mr. Buckingham put it in a book, his study of more than 80,000 managers gives it (his book) a fair amount of credibility. However, the fact that this idea is still being used today, more than 20 years later, has proven to me that bad managers aren’t the problem – the companies are.
Accountability would never
Have you ever heard that saying… the one about the head of the snake? “Cut the head off the snake and the body dies.” Usually it’s used to explain war scenarios – suggesting that taking out the head of an army will stop the rest. A similar idea exists in the advice crime show cops give to criminals about to go to prison – they say to find the biggest guy in the yard and take him down because no one will mess with you after that. Then of course there’s the less violent ideas. The ones about top down leadership and how older siblings should set a good example for the younger ones. And at this point I know what you might be thinking, all of these examples seek to prove the importance of managerial leadership, right? And sure, in a way they do but let me ask you something – what do a general, a criminal, a manager (boss), and an older sibling have in common?
Got it?
Accountability from the bottom up
Now, don’t get me wrong, a bad manager can certainly make or break a job. Even sources outside of business support the idea that good leadership makes a good team and success and so on and so forth. Great teams win super bowls, Ted Lasso (obviously the other kind of football), yada yada. But what all these people have in common is not that they have a team or that they have people working or existing under them — the real thing they have in common is that none of them have a final say in decision making. The real commonality that they all share is that NONE OF THEM HAVE REAL POWER – but they all are held accountable for the ones who do.
The breakdown:
Generals might make calls and lend advice but they still have to report and follow the orders of the commander and chief (or whoever has total control of military forces).
Prison inmates can assert enough dominance to have power over their peers but they will still be at the mercy of whoever owns or controls the prison system (not just the prison but the system).
Managers are also just foot soldiers – whether they report to another manager or the c-suite, no matter what they do or how good they are because they still have to follow the guidance, orders, or examples of the people above them.
And eldest siblings? Well until they are old enough to support themselves or become a cog in the bigger machine they report to their parents or guardians. (duh)
History is written by it’s victors – but wars are won by its soldiers
Remember earlier when I was rattling off subjects that are more concrete than art or literature? I talked about how history is not to be questioned even if it’s bias favors the victor. Well, this same sentiment also applies to business and business writing. Business narratives are vastly determined (and recycled) by looking at successful companies and emulating their processes to (hopefully) replicate success in other settings.
In grad school, a large part of my study was looking at case studies that compared various marketing strategies. Many of which talked about how brand recognition (or company recognition) which is arguably one of the most important aspects of the marketing process, drove sales as much as product does. (Nike for example – the quality might not be the best all the time but people recognize the swish and possibly respect you more for it.)
See, unlike art and literature business isn’t to be interpreted on a creative level because unlike art and literature business is communicated more with numbers and data than it is with words or emotions. From a business perspective this way of communicating is great because it gives companies proof that certain processes work and others do not. After all, data drives strategy and strategy drives business, right?
Well…yes, but also… not exactly.
A company is nothing without its workforce
I think the reason it’s easy to make a statement like “Employees don’t leave companies – they leave managers.” Is because of how easy it is to take the human aspect out of business.
I mean, if you think about it, bad managers aren’t all that dissimilar to bad ex’s. When someone is hired or when we bring someone into our lives it isn’t just because they are qualified, it’s because they have something that will add value to us and to the team. And because managers often have to start at a lower level and learn the business to take a more substantial leadership role in it – it’s fair to assume that that “bad manager” is a product of whatever system (in this case – the company) that created them.
In other words it’s just as easy to say, “Employees don’t leave companies – they leave managers.” As it is to say, “It’s not personal, it’s just business;” because in the business world words matter less than numbers do. So it’s easy to look at a lull in profits,target a low performing team, and blame one person “in charge” rather than admit that, “Hey this keeps happening. It used to feel random but this person has been here for a while so maybe it’s the values we are promoting in our company. Maybe it’s the conditions that the company creates for its workforce. Maybe we should consider that something we did went wrong to make them lead this way.”
Trading in spin for substance
At the end of the day, there is a place for interpretation in all aspects of life, even business and history – but I think we need to be more careful with who we allow to write the story.
The United States isn’t the only country that allows the few to try and manipulate and dictate the identities of the many. The United States isn’t the only country that often favors spin over substance; but seeing that the US is the country I live in, it’s arguably the only one I am qualified to speak of.
Anyway, if it wasn’t already made clear, I personally don’t subscribe to the idea that employees leave managers rather than companies. Maybe this is because I have had very few bad managers, but more so I think it is because (speaking from my perspective as someone in my generation) there has been a paradigm shift in this country when it comes to accountability. For me it is less important who I work under and more who or what I work for.
So sure, a good manager is important to me, but what I hold most important is that we stop blaming one or two bad people for a system we are all existing under and feeding in to.
When hibernating, an animal’s metabolism slows significantly: its heartbeat slows, it breathes more slowly (some animals even stop breathing for periods of over an hour) and its body temperature drops—in some extreme cases to below the freezing point of water (zero degrees Celsius).
It took me a considerable amount of time in this life to learn what hibernation actually was. Growing up I always assumed animals just gathered a bunch of food (as much as they could), gained a bunch of weight, and slept through the winter months. In retrospect, however, the reality of what hibernation is – well it makes much more sense.
During hibernation, an animal’s slowed metabolism allows them to conserve energy. It allows them to require less food less often – but despite the conditions that allow or require animals to do this I used to assume (incorrectly) that this meant they just slept it out through the whole winter – in reality, while these creatures are at rest or in a state of pause, they do still wake up from time to time. #Relatable
“A body at rest…”
During the winter months, I often joke about my “hibernation body” making light of a slight and natural weight gain that occurs around the winter holidays. But upon brainstorming what to post about today, I realized my experience with hibernation goes deeper than that joke.
Growing up I always saw myself as a “winter person” because being born during a snowstorm qualified me as such. And, don’t get me wrong, there are quite a few aspects of winter that I do still love. I love warm relaxed clothes, warm drinks, and lots of snow (even if I don’t get snow days anymore). But as I have grown I have also realized that, when there is an absence of the things I love about winter – I tend to enjoy it quite a bit less. For example, I really don’t like when it is 32 degrees or less and there isn’t snow on the ground. (I like beauty with my bone-chilling pain). And similar to that, I have noticed that the shorter days and the chilling cold can sometimes make it harder to manage the ever evolving complexities of my mental health. And to be clear, I am not a fan of that either.
Now depending on where you live this may not apply to you, but where I live this winter has been particularly wonky. Some weeks have been horribly cold, some have been unseasonably warm, and others have brought buckets of rain. Of course, this is all a roundabout way to say that this winter, being more than wonky than most I remember, has enabled a state of sudo hibernation that until recently, I didn’t realize I was in. And because an object at rest tends to stay at rest – this might make some of my upcoming adventures a bit harder to adapt to at first.
Beyond the “hibernation body”
As I write this I am realizing more and more how similar my life has been to a season of hibernation. And sure I could say how the highs and lows are like periods of being awake and asleep but I think it would be more notable to say that no matter my state, no matter awake or asleep – the season has slowed me much like it would an animal’s metabolism.
That said, lately, I have been moving slower, not to conserve energy but because I have been in between employment and the lack of structure encouraged less and less of a structured format to my day. Naturally, I have since adapted to this way of life. And naturally, I did so less than a week before I am set to start my new job. As an aside it’s funny how we argue about what came first, the chicken or the egg – rather than asleep or awake because for me it sometimes feels like both are true.
Now, to clarify, while I have been moving slower it doesn’t mean I have stopped taking care of myself. Unlike a bear in a cave, I have been spending a fair amount of time in the home gym and despite not having a set structure to my day I have found ways to create patterns in the monotony. But outside of the physical activity, beyond working on the “hibernation body” life feels passive. I find myself waking up, working out, eating something, watching something, writing something, eating something, watching something and going to bed. This is to say that I feel myself living to eat and sleep. This is to say that I feel myself waking up only to count down the hours before I can go to sleep again – and while that is often the criteria for depression, right now I’m not feeling depressed as much as I feel like life lacks purpose. And maybe work will change that or maybe it won’t but right now it just feels like I am hibernating through my life and as fun as it can be for a little while – the fun of it wears off rather quickly when you feel like you’re stuck inside to avoid the cold (and the unnecessary Target receipts).
The end (of hibernation) is near
As I look forward to work starting next week and to the air getting warmer in the coming months I know that my period of hibernation must come to an end. Soon I will be out, about, and not freezing, but seeing that I am still in this hibernation I wanted to take some time today to be aware of where I am. To spend some of these brief waking moments on reflection.
At the end of the day, it is important to give ourselves some time to rest (without being guilty); and in my opinion, hibernation isn’t a terrible way to do that. But it’s also important (for me at least) to keep track of where we are, know the name of cave we are in, and most importantly, know that there’s a time and way to leave it.
For me, the most important aspect of my winter hibernation is accepting it as it comes. Maybe you relate to this, maybe you don’t but my point of it all is to say – it’s okay. It’s ok to give ourselves permission to be where we are. Permission to be slow, and to rest. So if it wasn’t clear in the last few lines – this is me giving myself permission to rest – and if you need the same consider this your permission slip too.
I am going to start this post by saying, I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. Why? Because New Year’s Resolutions are, more often than not, goals that we could have made and started and failed 6 months ago. I know this because I have spent the past 6 months making, starting, adapting, and yes, failing various goals.
In my opinion New Year’s Resolutions are nothing more than a annual fad and a societal construct that clogs gyms in the first few weeks of January. They are things we “want” or have “wanted” for who knows how long but if we take a minute to sit down and be honest with ourselves, then we just have to admit the truth. And that truth, in its simplest terms, is this – “If I wanted to, I would.” Despite the date, despite the time, and despite the fact that it feels like everyone else is doing it with me, “If I wanted to, I would.”
If I… you know the rest
I struggle with this a lot. Not New Year’s Resolutions of course because, as I said, I don’t believe in them. No, what I struggle with is that phrase, the honest one – the one that reminds me, “If you wanted to, you would.” If I wanted to be in a relationship, I would. If I wanted to read that book, I would. If I wanted to write a book, a blog post, or even a grocery list, I would. If I actually wanted to be “that person,” I would. But the truth of the matter is that I don’t know what I want, not anymore, not really – because everything I used to want, everything I thought I wanted, everything I expected myself to be at this time and at this age, it doesn’t fit anymore. And yeah that is terrifying, but it’s better than the lies and the excuses.
So yeah, I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. I cannot stress that enough because I don’t believe in giving one day the kind of power to decide my habits for a whole year. And the reason I can’t stress that enough is because what I’m about to share is going to sound a lot like a resolution, but I can promise you – it is not.
So I say it again…
I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions – (here comes the but) BUT I do believe in growth. I do believe in making goals no matter the time of year so let’s call this what it is rather than what it is not. A revelation, not a resolution.
I’d like to say…” it wasn’t always like this.”
I can’t say that there was ever a time that I didn’t care what other people thought. At least, not one I can remember. I mean, you don’t get to be like me without caring what people think. You don’t get to be like me without internalizing a lot of things and making a lot of strict rules to follow in order to get by or fit in as if everyone else’s opinion or life is more valuable than yours.
I’d like to say that “it wasn’t always like this” but if I could actually remember a time when it wasn’t then I think it would be a whole heck of a lot easier to cross out the rules I’ve made for myself and be the kind of person I actually want to be. If it wasn’t so normal to me – it would be a lot easier to change. But change isn’t easy, so it’s time to cut the crap and do the darn thing.
Spoiler alert: I learned this in therapy
We haven’t talked about this because I haven’t been around lately, but I started going to therapy again. (We love a queen who takes care of herself.) And around the time I started therapy again, I took a break from writing. Not a full stop kind of break, but one significant enough to stop the trend I had kept up for most of the year. The one where I was posting on here almost every Friday. And if I’m being honest, which I am, the pause also had a lot to do with not being able to focus my thoughts enough to get a clear post out. (This will make sense later but…rule # whatever: if it’s not going to be perfect, or near perfect, or even just good enough to get by – don’t bother.) So, in short, there was too much happening in the world and in my head and since I wasn’t an expert on either or anything – well I thought it best to take a break, so I did.
I wanted to, so I did.
Anyway, my posting again doesn’t mean I have it all figured out. In a lot of ways, the opposite is true. I have less figured out today than I did three months ago. So what changed? What is different? Well, other than the number at the end of the year and the unfortunate fact that it is January, what’s different is the message/lesson that my therapist gave me the other day. This lesson? “You make the rules for your life, so if you want to change the rules – you are allowed to. You’re allowed to re-write the rules because you make your own rules.” Because apparently, it is “that easy.”
New rule: “You Make the Rules”
When it comes to my life, I make the rules… Isn’t that a novel idea? I mean it seems so obvious, and to many people, it probably is — but for me, it hasn’t been. It hasn’t been something allowed myself to do, for one reason or another, so her saying it, well, let’s just say that something in my thick brain finally clicked.
I make the rules…I make the rules about my life. I make the rules… and because I do, I won’t call it a resolution. In fact, I can’t call it a resolution. I really can’t – because for me, taking on this challenge, this project, and these rewrites are hard enough without the statistics being against me. So I won’t call it a resolution because that is not what this is. (But it certainly is something isn’t it?)
So what is it?
What it is, is a revelation, it’s an undertaking, it’s a new and undeniable truth. One that (I’ll say it again) may seem very obvious to others, but it wasn’t something I allowed myself to believe. But now I do – and no, that doesn’t mean I am magically cured or that I’m suddenly going to be the individual I’ve always dreamed of being overnight because that’s not how this works. But what it does mean I can start working toward being that person. It means I can try. And yes, that’s kind of terrifying but it’s also progress.
So despite what this may seem like, despite the date, the time, and the new number at the end of the year this is not a resolution, it’s just me. It’s me being a work in progress, and at present, it’s an “I wanted to, so I did” in progress. And yes, it is new and it is terrifying – but I also can’t wait to see where this part of my story leads.
The other day while getting drinks with a friend of mine, I told him that sex and the city taught me how to properly talk to men in a seductive way. (I didn’t elaborate then on details and I will not be elaborating now.) And embarrassingly, this was not a lie. But it and the conversation did open my mind up the already interesting conversation I was having with myself surrounding honesty and online communication in a way that I didn’t expect. Allow me to explain…
Lying is wrong
Look, it’s no secret that people lie online. Despite honesty being the best policy and probably one of the very first rules our parents teach us — aside from the obvious ones like, “the dog isn’t supposed to drink out of the toilet and neither are you.” [to be clear: this is not a lesson I had to learn but I have no doubt that kids do the darndest things.] The fact of the matter is that lying seems to come more naturally, in some cases, than telling the truth does because we want to be liked, we want to be loved, we want to be listened to, and most importantly, and in a workplace (which has turned into an online and remote community) in particular, we want to stay employed.
Now before you get on my back no this is not going to take some serious or dramatic drama filled twist about me making bold faced lies to my employer, but something that has been weighing on me is how, when I started this job, I said I was willing to relocate, but when I say that now… it comes with a lot more personal risk and would require quite a few benefits that would have to compensate for living in a place like that.
Lying is (always?) wrong
See I never thought I’d be comparing my professional life to my online dating profile, but unlike most people I know – my dating profile might be a bit more upfront and honest than I can and that I am willing to be in the workplace. For example, online I can be an open book and I can talk about anything – but at work, I can’t talk about quite a few aspects of my personal life and while that’s fair and that’s a choice I make, when it comes to the prospect of living where I work rather than working where I live now, my personal life and the qualities of my personality that I put above most also happen to be the very reasons that I wouldn’t want to relocate to a place where I can’t be my authentic self.
And worse than that, I can’t, after saying that I was interested in relocating for work, suddenly say…. Oh, well, I changed my mind because … ? Because I am queer. Liberal. And female and because I want bodily autonomy. And oh your state is a hostile place for all of those things… And before you tell me “but Rachel, you can do that, you can make that choice” I say – No! I could never say that. Because no one in their right mind would say those things to an employer that works in the state that mine does. Or to any employer for that matter because that would be crazy. And so, logically, but despite my values, I keep my mouth shut. (And yes I realize the sentence structure in this paragraph just took a turn toward absolute trash.)
Lying is always wrong, but omission is a grey area. (right?)
Ok so sure this is a true statement, obviously lying is wrong because, like I said it’s one of the first things our parents teach us as children. But as an adult, sometimes telling lies, or omitting truths can be a way to protect ourselves from very real and dangerous situations. But that’s also why I consider it a slippery slope.
See a little over a month from now I’m going to be taking a trip south to meet my bosses for the first time in person and while I’d love to tell them that that’s the first step to me moving there – I really can’t say that. I can’t tell my bosses that I want to be there because it is only a half truth. And also can’t tell them that I don’t feel safe in their state because that could jeopardize my standing with the firm, so what can I do? What should I do? Do I do like I used to and sex and the city the situation? Meaning, do I tell people what they want to hear at my own expense? Do I tell the truth and face the potentially obvious consequences? Or do I find a middle ground and speak in half truths, only to have to make excuses about why I can’t follow though? None of those sound like good options, so what would you do?
See when it comes to this stuff, you might be able to imagine why it weighs on me. Or you might not. But as an honest person I don’t like having to choose between a paycheck and who I am, and right now that choice is just a risk I’m not willing to take. Even if it could go in my favor. So I guess what I am saying is that I’ve already made my choice, and fan of it or not, slippery slope or not, it’s just one I have to live with.
As someone in one’s mid to late 20’s there are some societal and personal expectations on where one should be in life. See, as someone living in the year of our lord 2022, as a 26-year-old cis and typically straight presenting white woman, you would think I could have hit my “prime” by now.
For example (as deemed by the internalized misogyny and capitalism): I should have found a man to love and settle down with me. Once acquired, said man and I would be thinking about a house we can’t yet afford. Then we’d be thinking about kids to fill it, and if we aren’t ready for kids, then maybe we’d start by taking some trips around the world to all the places we’ve always wanted to go. — And even if all that wasn’t the case, and I wasn’t on the path to be wed, then based on where I thought I’d be by now – I would be financially stable with a place of my own, health insurance of my own, and based on my budget, a minor amazon addiction. — But see the problem with that adolescent and anticipatory way of thinking is that it isn’t realistic. [And – not that you are asking, but when it comes to the things above only like 1.5 of those things are true.]
Truth is – growing up is hard, and it sucks, and it doesn’t usually pan out the way you thought it would when you were 16 – which is probably why my anxiety kicked in the way it did when I found myself in a big room full of 16 to 19-year-olds last night at a concert.
Before you judge – Let me explain…
Part 1: Anxiety
Last night I went to a Chase Atlantic concert and if you don’t know who they are that’s ok because I have since realized – neither do I. Truth is, I bought the tickets on a whim because they were like 35$, I had heard a couple of the groups’ songs [probably on tiktok] (they were alright) and frankly, I have been going to a lot of concerts lately because it gets me out and allows me to meet new people in a cool setting.
But early on into the night, I realized this show was different.
Now let me pause for a second and note that it wasn’t necessarily a ‘bad’ show, but, for me at least, it presented an uncomfortable vibe because if there is anything that I, at 26, still have in common with my 16-year-old self, it’s that I try to avoid spaces where underage children are passing out in the middle of mosh pits. And despite the fact that the performers handled the situation incredibly well, pausing their sets to check on and help the fans in need, the whole room was giving me – “you need to be drunk or stoned to vibe and enjoy this” and I really don’t like that.
Anyway, upon arrival, the usual line to the venue was extended around three to four city blocks — and the crowd was much younger than what I was used to. So, as you can expect, I immediately felt out of place, and then quickly realized that I was possibly the only person without a group, a friend, or a chaperone. [It’s also important to note that the other three times I’ve been to this venue in the past year there hasn’t been a crowd over 200 and this one looked like triple that. So essentially, upon arrival, my perception of the event shifted to a point where I didn’t want to stay the whole night.]
Which brings us to —
Part 2: Adulting
At the end of the day, when you boil down the generic brand anxiety that comes with life and living there is one thing that is more important than anything else. Boundaries. And the most important thing about boundaries is allowing ourselves to feel comfortable enough to make and stick to them.
As I’ve grown in this life, the most important lesson I have learned (or at least one of the most important lessons I have learned) is that I set my own boundaries. I get to decide what spaces I am in and for how long. I get to decide that some food and drinks don’t need to be consumed in one setting. I get to decide who I kiss and how far it goes and I get to decide that being at a show with hundreds of kids, their parents, and a performer with a cat like ski mask might not be for me and then I get to decide to leave. And to be clear, while this may have never been the case in the past (giving myself permission to walk away), it’s comforting to know that my experience last night did allow me to make the call that was best for me, without feeling guilty about it.
Part 3: experiences in the ‘Outerlands’
Somewhere in the middle of quarantine, I coined the phrase, “the Outerlands.” I guess the main reason I used was because, when the pandemic hit, going out felt a lot more daunting or almost medieval in nature. Not medieval like chainmail and horses but like an arduous journey with twists and turns.
See every time I left the house I felt anxious or excited — like I was on this quest for Camelot… or more realistically the grocery store or the pharmacy (potato po-tah-to, I know). But of all the things I ditched after the pandemic (since we’re now in an endemic), the ‘Outerlands’ wasn’t one of them because sometimes, and especially on times like last night where I am rolling solo in the world – just leaving the house feels like a journey to be taken.
Sometimes this is hard to admit but, to me, the ‘Outerlands’ are sometimes scary (not in an agoraphobic way but in the sense that I’ve gotten used to my bubble). There’s so much in this world that happens outside the front door, so many good and bad things and for me, with my anxiety, it’s really easy to take the path most traveled and revisit the familiar and get stuck in ruts — but in the past few months, going to concerts and feeling old in a room full of 16 year olds, those are the experiences that need to be had because despite how often I say I am, I am not old – and even if I wouldn’t consider myself to be in my prime [YET] (not spoken pessimistically but in the sense that I am too young to have had the best years of my life) I do feel like these are the things one must do to take those steps toward their prime.
Moral of the Story
Look at the end of the day – I know I have to put myself out there. I know I need to go to the ‘Outerlands’ and have sometimes awkward and anxious experiences. And I am here for it. But I think the reason I am sharing this with you all today is that – like you – I’m human and I’m trying to adult and I’m trying to make 16-year-old me proud and I’m trying to live my life and … I’m just generally trying. And if that all and this all is something that resonates with you then that’s great, because at the end of the day (because I use those words far too much) we’re all just trying to get out and get anxious and make boundaries to live in and outside of and when it comes to adulting – I don’t think there’s anything more adultish than that.
When it comes to all living things, we all pretty much need the same stuff to live and thrive and whatever else… food, water, shelter and love if you’re looking to break the curve. But the funny thing is – not many people seem to want to break the curve.
Lately, and always, conservatives are so quick to get on their soap-box that liberals and their “brain-washing institutions” breed these wild thinkers with crazy ideas where boys can be girls, girls can be boys, and my house plant can identify as a damn apache helicopter [but of course “we can’t say apache because that is racially charged and these snowflakes can’t handle history”. But the problem with this [there’s a lot more but this one is for today] is that “liberal institutions” like college – merely allow young people to see the world outside of the context they were raised on. And often, these points of view lead young people to believe that, “hey, that stuff they were teaching me about black women being able to handle 12x more pain and all the gays are trying to steal and brainwash my kids… maybe that’s not actually accurate.” And for the record… both the “gay agenda” and racially charged inequity in medicine are both majorly misunderstood issues.
Truth is – some of this country is outgrowing the tank it was born into, but others are so used to the tank that they have that they will continue to ignore the fact that they can’t continue to grow without cracking the very core ideals that their entire existence is encapsulated in – and as bad as it sounds, we can only hope that they just grow too big for their tank until they will have no other choice than to move out of their current digs or die holding on to the idea that they are the perfect size for where they live.
Step on a crack break…
Let’s be honest – boiled down, our country is more built on prejudice than it is freedom. Both in the literal sense of the United States exploiting immigrants and slaves and foreign countries to achieve their goals and also in the figurative sense that most, if not all of our systems are inherently broken or excessively corrupt. In short, prejudice is the foundation of our country; and while that’s disgusting to say – until we can accept the cracks in our foundation, our house will only continue to crumble around us. [But – of course- going hand in hand with the fish tank analogy, we choose to focus on what makes us “great” because we also teach a level of systemic denialism that is dumbfounding at best and lethal at worst.]
“Ahhh – she’s having one of those days… – the ones where she uses big words because she hasn’t posted in two weeks.” and to that I say, yes, but also no.
Phobia means “fear of” – but let’s call it what it is
With trans day of visibility yesterday and the supreme court hearings the last few weeks, and the now famously moronic “don’t say gay” bill being passed recently – I’ve been thinking quite a bit lately about homophobia, transforbia, and the irony of certain political parties who use violence to achieve their goals while also condemning people who don’t crack down hard enough against crime. And while all these topics are light and fun and a joy to speak of on a friday morning… [smh] lately I have been less fixated on the actions surrounding these topics and more on the words that we address them by.
See my boy Willy Shakes once said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.” And while I would NEVER attempt to overwrite “his” words, I can’t help but think of that concept in opposite terms because HATE, by any other term will still breed most foul and despite the fact that it is 2022 we still label hatred as fear or disapproval and call it a day.
Hate by any other name
Although it may be controversial, I personally don’t believe people are born evil. That said, I also don’t think it takes all that much to turn someone hateful or sour and in cases of the worst of the worst that mankind has to offer I do think we like to let ourselves believe people are born evil because we want to dehumanize them and further separate them from ourselves.
There’s this proverb, I believe it’s origin is from the indigenous people, and it states that we are born with two wolves, one good, one bad, and the one we feed is the one that we become.
So yeah, I don’t think people are born evil, but I do believe that we are all capable of it and that given the proper motivation and disposition anyone, no matter their age can do terrible and horrible things. [and I’d also like to note that people who specifically misinterpret text with the intention of condemning and dehumanizing others, whether it be legislative or spiritual, only broadens the basis of hate and ignorance that often does more bad than good].
Out-growing the tank
I’ve probably said something like this before in a different font and at a different time, but we are at a turning point. And this applies to the country and its individuals because more than ever before we are receiving knowledge and feeding our beliefs [ and our disbeliefs ] and we are outgrowing our tank today and everyday. So as you swim through these times, make sure you pay attention to your growth, but also pay attention to your tank – because at the end of the day, you get to decide the bounds you are held in and the people you are held by. And it may not always be easy, but sometime it’s better to outgrow your beliefs than to let them suffocate you and crack the world around you.
Awkward n' Adulting 
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