I have never been good at thinking beyond the concept of what I thought my future could look like. This is funny to me, considering the fact that I have created worlds and built lives for dozens of characters through my short-form and long-form writing, yet I struggle to dream or envision what I want for myself.

Maybe you relate to this. Not the world-building but the struggle to imagine what the future can or will look like. Maybe you, like me, dreamed of your future in blurry blobs and bubbles. Maybe you had a clearer picture, knowing the kind of things you wanted, but not all the minute details. Maybe you walked through life feeling like you were looking at pictures in a photo album that was always out of focus and constantly changing.

Maybe you, like me, have thought of things as milestones instead of steps.

• Go to school
• Get the job
• Find a Partner
• Get married and get a house
• Have some kids
• etc. etc.

and so on and so on. Lacking the ability to fully manifest and fulfil those dreams. But, then again, maybe you haven’t – but I suppose that’s why this is my blog and why I can only speak to my own experiences.

Everything feels so much bigger when you are small – but sometimes I wonder if I’ve grown out of that yet

Growing up, and even now, I struggle to know how I want to get to the things listed above. And sometimes I struggle with wondering if those are still the things I want – or if they are just the things I thought I had to do to have a ‘good‘ life. A life like my parents or like my peers.

I used to think it was the depression, or the grief that was holding me back from being able to dream about the future but now I wonder if this is just a normal part of growing up. I wonder if I struggle, not because I needed someone to tell me the steps or because I didn’t have access to figure it out, but because, on some level, I assumed it would all fall into place by now.

And I never felt like I was owed any of it but I did live thinking that if I follow the rules, do the ‘right’ stuff, be kind to others and live truthfully and intentionally that life would all just naturally fall into place.

And to be clear – I am by no means saying life hasn’t happened the way it should or that I am dissatisfied with where I am at. I am merely saying that I am still trying to find more focused visions of what my future can and will look like and how I am supposed to get there.

“It’s okay if your future still isn’t clear, no one said it had to be” – me to me

I have never been good at thinking beyond the concept of what I thought my future could look like. I never really imagined my wedding or decorated my future homes. And sure never is a strong word because sure I had Pinterest boards, and I imagined facades of homes with long driveways and played MASH, but for me, it was always easier to build out someone else’s future in a story than it was to imagine my own.

Thinking back now, maybe this was because the idea of growing up was daunting, (I mean isn’t it for everyone?) maybe it was because I didn’t think I’d make it this far, or maybe it was because my brain works in all or nothings but every day now I live in the future I imagined then and while it is nothing like what I imagined it to be yet, I realize now that it was never really supposed to be.

So as I look to my future, that I suppose I am getting more comfortable planning, I will tell myself this: It’s not okay to give up on yourself, it’s not okay to think you’ve fallen short and it’s certainly not okay to say that a previous version of you wouldn’t be amazed of who you are. But most importantly, it’s not okay to think that life is just a check-list — because some of the best things in life don’t come when we follow a plan.

So it’s okay to ‘arrive’ late, it’s okay to not arrive at all, it’s okay to want certain things now, and it’s okay to change what you want (constantly and without explanation). It’s okay to acknowledge that the future is blurry (and to always have to use spell check when you type out acknowledge). It’s okay to be where you are at because who you are is someone very few people saw coming.

So here’s to being okay with not always knowing what the future holds and to hoping that it allows me more time to breathe life into the things I love.