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JustRachel

And the WOW award goes to… Coach Paul Nemeth

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It wasn’t an obvious transition by any means. It wasn’t clear, like the sound of a starting gun; or well rehearsed, like the a passing of a baton. It wasn’t a single, earth shatteringly clear moment—like a beam of sunlight placed perfectly on his long since balded head that lead Coach Paul to be one of the most important and influential figures in my life after my dad died. But knowing him and knowing my father, I do think they would have been good friends. The way I see it, men like them don’t come around often and for that and a million other reasons I am grateful to have known and learned from them both during my lifetime.

After many moments of silent reflection…

I’ve always thought that they would have been good friends. My father and my high-school cross country coach. In fact, I know they would have been. And oddly enough, I can smile about it now (at least in this moment) in a way I couldn’t back then. The thought of my father and the somewhat random mustached man who showed up for me not long after my father couldn’t anymore and chose to stick around.

So, despite how hard these days following the news of my now second heroes passing have been, I can’t help but find comfort in the fact that they’d have been great friends, and that while I don’t know how it all works after we walk off the track for the last time, I’m hoping, now they can be.

A lifetime ago in 2010

Now if I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times. I definitely didn’t join the cross country team for the running. Back then I was of the mind that running in long distance and repetitive forms, much like writing in long and repetitive forms was better suited as a means of punishment than one of pass time or exercise. Obviously for me and luckily for everyone involved, I slowly but surely changed my mind on both trains of thought—but, looking back, for all the silly reasons I joined that team, for all the boys I didn’t get, the races/meets I didn’t win, and all the abs I no longer have, Paul was one of (if not the) the biggest reasons that I stayed.

It’s a rare and special thing…

It’s a rare and special thing to have someone shape and save your life in such a way that makes you walk away feeling like a hero to yourself as well.

To know that, in a world where some will help you and make you feel like a burden for it, others will prop you up until you have the strength to stand on your own again then encourage you to take a victory lap.

As an aside: it’s even more rare for someone to take it three steps further — not only inspiring and empowering me to take another lap but to believe in myself and take bigger chances after graduating High School. The largest of which lead me to walk-on to my schools D2 Track and Field team (a choice, by the way, that would change no less than the entire trajectory of my life simply because I couldn’t give him a good reason as to why I wasn’t throwing anymore). Paul did all of that and more for me without hesitation.

And the WOW award goes to…

It’s a rare and special thing to have someone to prop you up in the way he did and while the literal meaning of those words are very much true (I’d argue that at least 7 of every 10 of my teammates have been carried off a finish line by Coach Paul during our 4 years with him) I’d also reckon that all of us were consistently and proudly propped up by the way he carried himself and by the way he lead his life and our teams.

And I genuinely have to believe that a spirit like that, like his, doesn’t get to die with him because he made darn sure it got passed on and on through all of us, all of his athletes, and how we continue to carry ourselves today.

So… keeping all that in mind – I think it’s only fair to say that this weeks WOW award goes to Coach Paul because he was a great leader, an incredible friend (family to many of those who knew him) and unwavering force for good on our teams and in our lives.

It goes without saying that this one is going to hurt for a bit but more than anything I write this to celebrate him because a legacy like that, a legacy like his – is a very rare and incredibly special thing and I could not be more grateful that I get to be a part of it.

JustRachel

The things WE want us to be

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You know, people tend to use the term over thinking as a one off or a write off. “Oh you’re just over thinking it.” Which actually, in most cases, acts as a dismissal. Something to say, “just get out of your head and go for it. Take the job, take the leap, date the guy, whatever the situation, stop thinking, and go for it.” And as much as I’d love to say it’s not that easy, that’s a write off too, because it’s not about easy. What it is about though, is fear, coping with past trauma, and avoiding whatever core issue that this issue is triggering. But most of all, it’s about an instinct toward recognizing patterns while also refusing to accept where they lead. (Aka – denial)

See, I don’t know about you, but as someone prone to overthinking, being an over-thinker is something I wish I wasn’t. And I only wish I wasn’t because everyone else has identified it as bad or unfavorable or made it seem like I’m crazy because of how much time I allocate to avoiding stuff that ‘could’ or ‘could not’ happen.

And sure, if you look at my past, most of the things I overthink wouldn’t surprise you but if you didn’t know me from a brick wall you wouldn’t think it’s something I deal with as often as I do; and obviously, that’s intentional but it makes it that much harder to be me.

On any given day I’d bet that 50% of my time is me overthinking – or reevaluating something I did or said – or anticipating what might come next. And to be clear, that’s a fictional assumption, but it’s also probably lowballing the situation. See, in a lot of ways that percent of my time becomes the kind of beginner code I programmed into a robot in middle school. A living embodiment of “if this:then that” situations. And the funny thing is that I also know life isn’t that predictable, but I am. Or at least, I could be.

I think the biggest check I’ve ever taken to my ego was at a Irish pub in 2016. I was at temple bar drinking and flirting and loving life when the guy I was talking to told me that I was not nearly as complicated as I believed myself to be. And among other sentiments on that trip, that simple statement tipped over the first of dozens of dominoes that finally made me realize that the only person who thought I was complicated, was the same person trying to solve herself like a god damn Rubix cube, when in reality she was more like a puzzle with a couple edge pieces that fell off the table.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s easy to say that we lie to ourselves every once in a while, but what’s hard is justifying the excuses of why we do it and what’s harder is justifying those excuses to people who occasionally know us better than ourselves. But you know what the real kicker is, no one knows us better than we do. But we hide behind the idea that they do because it puts it off us. So we think that if we can convince someone else, maybe we can finally believe it, but that’s not actually how it works.

As an over thinker I’m sometimes stuck in this cycle of thinking I can win – and to be clear I’m fighting myself- so I keep trying new ways to tackle the same surface problem over and over and over again until I realize that the problem I was trying to fix was just the top layer of what needs to be tackled next. And so I regroup and take a step back, I grab some water, and return to the ring to fight the next thing – as if there’s an end to the means.

Look, at the end of the day no one is exempt from getting in their own head, and it’s no secret that while others can take a step back, we’re trapped. But the important thing is that we take time to realize that we are the ones trapping ourselves. That we are the ones saying we can’t be the things we want to be. And it’s not easy, but once we can put a face to our demons, we can realize that the world is not about being the you that someone else wants you to be – it’s about living with who you are.

Just Post Grad Things, JustRachel

How my English Major Lead me to a Financial Health and Wellness Company

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Have you ever had a Dream 

One that felt so real – so illogically real – and yet suddenly you were living it.

It isn’t as simple as Deja Vu nor as complicated as being able to predict the future. It just simply is – and isn’t – everything your mind came up with while you were sleeping. 

I’m not saying I believe in magic – It isn’t that simple, but I do believe that we have a far greater capacity to understand trends and data than our waking minds can never comprehend. And like I said I don’t believe in magic – and miracles are only grim fairytales for those who have prayed and lost – but there is something beautiful about an impossible dream that makes me want to know more of what my future holds.

A year ago I was writing a novel

I could see the building burning, the cubicles up in flame. I could see the frantic look in his eye [the main character] when he realized the irony of an insurance company burning to the ground. I can remember the smell of Chinese food on this man’s desk and the legacy his father had built for him – and then a year later I found myself working for a company that looks at health, wellness, and finance – that talks about insurance every day – and suddenly everything was just like I had imagined it, only there was far less smoke.

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