Don’t call me gluten-free – call me a glutton for punishment
Sometimes I catch myself wondering if I was asking for it. If me passing out tired and drunk in his bed on Halloween, or me blackout drunk and naked in my own was something I wanted.
At least that is what I tell myself. After all, I did go back for more…, right?
Confession: I am guilty of being skeptical when some others come forward – I know the signs of rape, I know how women or men feel after it happens. And while we cannot make blanket statements or stereotypes I know every case is not the same – that does not make me any less skeptical of situations that don’t add up.
People tend to think sexual assault is a cut and dry case – it isn’t. And I only learned that because, while sitting in a social justice class I learned the definition of sexual assault. It reads :
but sexual assault could also pertain to the Wikipedia definition :
Sexual assault is an act in which a person sexually touches another person without that person’s consent, or coerces or physically forces a person to engage in a sexual act against their will. It is a form of sexual violence which includes rape (forced vaginal, anal or oral penetration or drug facilitated sexual assault), groping, child sexual abuse or the torture of the person in a sexual manner
In my life, there have been two or more occasions where I have fit one or both of the definitions above. Shocking, however, was the thought that I had no idea that what I had been through and how I felt when I woke up was normal of someone who had been taken advantage of.
I was 19 when it happened – and waking up the next morning shuffling out of that room walking back to my own at six o’clock in the morning wearing all black from the night before. I remember I had everything with me but my mask – and yet there was nothing I wanted to do more than hiding my face as the maintenance workers drove by – because it wasn’t what it looked like – it wasn’t a true walk of shame… but it also felt a lot worse than it was.
Flash forward two years to the first time I was truly intimate after that occasion and I was blackout drunk and found myself saying yes. But that doesn’t mean I wanted it – because even today I don’t remember getting home, getting in bed, in fact, I don’t remember anything other than that one. little. word. yes. and then the sounds that followed.
And to be honest I still grapple with that choice because no matter how high I felt when I woke up – there are days now where I feel empty and wonder if making the choice I did while I was drunk – was one I would have stuck with sober.
So why this – why now?
Well, I could ask the same. Why Kavanaugh, why Cosby, why do we keep making exceptions – why do we have to ask why Dr. Ford didn’t come forward sooner? Why are we suddenly sensitive? and why does it take so many women crying over the same name to make something happen?
Why is Alcohol or Misplaced Masculinity an Excuse and “She Was Asking For It” A Just Answer??? And Why is His Word Worth More Than Hers in a Court of Law When the Constitution Specifically Reads “WE THE PEOPLE OF THE UNITED…”????
Look… at the end of the day I can’t blame anyone but myself for putting myself in the situations I was in. I refuse to be a victim and so I hold myself accountable… but I wasn’t asking for it. I was just trying to give someone else what they wanted because I thought it would make them like me…
I did what I did for my own personal reasons and no matter how bad it looks on paper – no matter how it fits the definition or how I define it – or what I see and hear in my nightmares… all that matters is that I am ok.
But some women aren’t – some live with what happened to them for the rest of their lives – afraid to speak up because even if the constitution says WE THE PEOPLE it doesn’t account for their life liberty and pursuit of happiness.
These days we need to stop claiming that she was asking for it… we need to stop letting “boys be boys” and we need to start holding ourselves accountable for our sins and digressions (right Judge Kavanaugh?) because if we don’t – the only thing SHE WILL BE ASKING FOR – IS JUSTICE