In the aftermath of the holidays I’ve been thinking a lot about dating lately and with dating at my age comes the obvious…sex.
Now while I have no problem with human sexuality I am on the more modest side – so if you opened this to read salacious details about my sex life – well let’s just say that my career in romance novels isn’t about to start on this blog… that being said, the issue I want to talk about today –
When to bring up sex – the “after match”
Let’s set the scene – you a male or female 20-30 something have just downloaded a dating app, you have no real expectations for romance but as a hopeless romantic you think hmmm this time, this time maybe it will be different. I mean … my friend said she found her match here, so maybe there is one for me too?
You proceed, swiping left and right and finally you have that sea full of fishes that everyone has been talking about. You “match” with a couple people and start talking and it seems to be going well and then…
The turn off
When it comes to dating apps I have three MAJOR turnoffs. (1.) the guys who are DTF before they even say hi. (2.) the sleeper cell guys who are nice and then BAM they use some grotesque and crude language saying how they want to “please” you over and over and over agian. and (3.) Someone who can’t hold a conversation on or offline. (which fyi is not rocket science)
The break down
For me the option 1 guys are not the worst. They know what they want and sadly, their method has probably worked once or twice so they stick to what they know. These guys aren’t pigs, they are opportunists. They know that dating sites have girls that are looking for what they are and they know that it won’t have to lead to some sticky relationship that might drain their wallet and take their bro-vado.
Then we have option 2, the guy who starts off nice, compliments your eyes instead of your a** and genuinely wants to take five minutes to get to know you. However, the problem with these guys is that those five minutes seem to be all they can take before they whip out the innuendo.
Lastly pet peeve numero 3 the conversation desert. This one like the other two is fairly self explanatory. When it comes to dating chemistry is a huge deal and a lack of ability to converse – well – even a fire cracker can’t recover that lack of a spark.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again – a major problem in my generation is that we dive into “relationships” before we dive into ourselves.
Truth is I have no problem with guys wanting what they want – what I do have a problem with is timing.
Choosing the right time to bring up sex in a potential relationship is hard. Probably harder when it comes to girls like me who use self respect as a means to turn to frustration before conversation. But at the end of the day for me it is about respect over assumptions.
I want someone to respect me enough to ask me how my day is before they assume I want to spend it rolling around in their bed. I want someone to respect that a relationship, even at the beginning, isn’t about talking about how many f**** you’ve given or assuming that I’d want to be the next. I want someone to respect that sex isn’t the first or second thought on my mind because health and work come first. And maybe that means that I need to stop assuming that guys will know that not all girls are DTF upon first match – but maybe it also means I need to stop being the girl that lets guys hide behind screens and be bold enough to put myself out there.
It’s all about timing
When it comes to dating in the “modern” age – I feel like I was born in the wrong time. But as much as I would love to go back to a time when courtship and courtesy was a thing, I don’t want to live in a time where women’s rights were virtually non existent. So maybe I can learn to deal with boys better, or maybe I can find men who get it or maybe its not just my time yet.
All I know is that there is a right time to bring up sex in relationships and one day we will find someone who gets and respects that too. But for now we’re all just learning and maybe that’s cool too.