I have never been one to be silly in the face of serious. It is not my style, nor my strong suit—but in recent months, both myself and the world have shifted. So, to that end, I have decided to take some moments here and there to embrace my inner silly goose and fold in some light-hearted fun into more serious topics around me.
The most recent adventure? Crafting the perfect “hear me out” Presidential cabinet using only fictional characters.
In recent months, the “hear me out cake” trend on TikTok brought friends together to laugh and share which fictional characters they would date or “have relations with.” Ranging from completely understandable to arguably unhinged, the “hear me out” aspect of the game is meant to explain some picks’ unexpected or odd nature. The game consists of a group of friends who prepare a cake as well as a handful of fictional “hear me out crushes” printed out and placed on skewers so that they may go around and stick those picks into the cake.
In some ways this game is not unlike a fantasy football draft. Or maybe it isn’t at all, I can’t say I really understand fantasy football…But in most ways it is just meant to be a game and an excuse to get together for some light hearted fun.
While some cakes are objectively better than others, while some people seem to be more skilled when it comes to picking characters that no one would expect, it’s important to note that the result of the trend is not to date fictional characters but rather to create laughter and be silly among friends.
Which got me thinking…
As someone known to have far better taste in fictional characters than real-life partners, very few of my “hear me out” partners, needed hearing out. In fact, of the picks I sent to my friends only one made no sense and so, instead of changing my tastes, instead of googling the most pure-hearted but not conventionally unattractive characters, I decided I’d change the game.
—because if I can’t be silly for the sake of silly, maybe, for once, I can be silly for the sake of being a little more seriously unserious…
Introducing, the “hear me out” perfect Presidential cabinet edition
But before I share my picks allow me to share a smidge more context…
In recent weeks there have been multiple announcements of the next administration’s cabinet. Some picks the public agrees with, some the public does not, but it got me thinking. If I had the chance to build a presidential cabinet… using only fictional characters… who would I choose? and would people agree or disagree? And thus the game was born…
The Cabinet is an advisory body made up of the heads of the 15 executive departments. Appointed by the President and confirmed by the Senate, the members of the Cabinet are often the President’s closest confidants. In addition to running major federal agencies, they play an important role in the Presidential line of succession — after the Vice President, Speaker of the House, and Senate President pro tempore, the line of succession continues with the Cabinet offices in the order in which the departments were created. All the members of the Cabinet take the title Secretary, excepting the head of the Justice Department, who is styled Attorney General.
Below I have crafted what I believe to be a pretty solid Presidential Cabinet… (minus the top most positions that represent the President and his or her line of succession) The cabinet I have chosen to build is one that prioritizes Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion but also aims to be somewhat bipartisan. Representing some but not all of the best aspects of my childhood (and then some). As such, these 15 characters hope to fill 15 positions that would make up the larger part of our Executive branch of government come February and it will be up to you whether or not they get that chance…
All in all this silly activity has allowed me to tackle stress while also providing the added benefit of learning a bit more about what the leadership roles below, play in our country. It is by no means meant to poke fun at the very real decisions that are to be made by our top levels of government nor does it underwrite the time and energy that goes into making those selections. After reading this I encourage you to get together with friends and build your own perfect cabinet and, if you feel so inclined, share your picks in the comments below!
And with that… here we go and happy hiring!
psa: for more info and a refresher on what role each title primarily plays—go to Whitehouse.gov
DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE: Mother Nature, specifically the “mother nature” portrayed in Disney’s Fantasia 2000.
This Mother Nature is being nominated for her unique ability to recover a world impacted by wildfires and climate change. She also has a more calm and quiet leadership style that will not intimidate any men who work under her. She is also big on personal growth and has a green (everything).
DEPARTMENT OF COMMERCE: Willy Wonka specifically played by Timothee Chalamet in “Wonka” the newest adaptation of the Roald Dahl classic, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.”
While I am very much fond of the classic Gene Wilder’s Willy Wonka, and while Gene is just as qualified as Timothee (being the same character at different ages), the committee has determined that this new fictional government will benefit from the fresh and hopeful perspectives of a young Wonka compared to the ones played by Gene or even Johnny Depp. Similarly, Wonka, at all ages, is known to take great care of those whom he employs. He has an aptitude for diversity initiatives and innovation while also adding a unique sweetness to the lives of any and all who cross his path.
DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE: James “Rhodey” Rhodes aka Iron Patriot of the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
While no one matches the finesse of Robert Downey Jr. aka Tony Stark aka Iron Man (RIP). We in the nominating committee feel that the Department of Defense is best lead by someone who has a proven track record of duty and service and whose convictions and honor guide them throughout their days. For those reasons, no one is more qualified than Colonel James Rhodes aka Iron Patriot.
DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION: Miss Frizzle from “the Magic School Bus.”
While the next administration “IRL” has declared intentions to dismantle the DOE, we feel that the next generation of young Americans would benefit most from the innovative and abnormal direction that Miss Frizzle takes her class. The committee firmly believes that dismantling the Department of Education is an act that undoubtedly seeks to create a more uninformed and controllable voter base than what exists today and as such, our response is to leverage a candidate that is arguably uncontrollable slightly unhinged and excessively educated.
DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY: Phineas and Ferb.
With only “104 days of summer vacation until school comes around just to end it” Brothers, Phineas and Ferb are determined to get things done in the most efficient way. Phineas and Ferb are able to achieve more than most in far less time and for these reasons and others, American energy would be more than secure in their hands. [We also don’t exactly have the budget for qualified adults considering what Mother Nature cost but were working on reworking that budget with the Treasury and are more than convinced that our nominated pick can find the money needed…]
DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH AND HUMAN SERVICES (HHS): Dr. Oak from the Pokemon franchise.
Disruptive innovation in health often requires a more holistic and global approach. One that explores the impact of both what we put in our bodies as well as what our bodies are surrounded by. For these reasons the members of the nominating committee belive that HHS will be in great hands with Dr. Oak. For additional context…Dr. Oak has dedicated his life to understanding the symbiosis of humans and Pokemon. He has studied nature, monsters, and humans alike and in a world where so many things impact our overall health, he is just the kind of approachable guy to appeal to both sides of the aisle. [Dr. Oak is also a strong supporter of vaccinations because if you thought Rabies was bad… wait till you see what happens if you take a bite from a Bidoof.]
DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY: Elastigirl from the Incredibles
Some men today believe that a woman’s place is in the home, Elastigirl disagrees and so do we on the nominating committee. Elastigirl, like many modern super women has proven more than capable of balancing two lives, one public and one private, and the fact that she is a mother of three only further proves that she has what it takes (the flexibility, skills and proven track record) to tackle any and all threats that come our way.
DEPARTMENT OF HOUSING AND URBAN DEVELOPMENT (HUD): The house from Encanto
The Madrigal House is the most qualified individual to ever be put up for HUD secretary. And before anyone accuses this magical home that was, like our great nation, built by immigrants, of taking “American” jobs, please take a moment to consider if any person place or thing is more qualified than a house that (FOR FREE) custom designs magical spaces and represents the lifeblood, hopes and unique dreams of a multi-generational and loving family. [as an aside, the magic staircase from Harry Potter was also on the shortlist but it was determined that they would be better suited for a supporting role. The Madrigal House was ultimately our first choice and we are immensely glad that they have committed to sign on to our administration.]
DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR (DOI): Kenai from Brother Bear (in bear form)
When it comes to the debate of man vs bear, America has overwhelmingly voted for the bear, and so has Kenai. So we, as the members of the nominating committee, thought, “well, it’s time to listen and give the people what they want.” For too long our country has been legislated by those who have stolen land from indigenous tribes and ignored lessons learned in prioritizing profit over natural beauty and the health of the planet. Kenai, understands better than anyone the importance of focusing on the future for all and the relationship that exists between past and future as well as nature and man. The main role of the DOI secretary is to preserve our country’s protected land and resources as such, no man “or bear” is more uniquely qualified than Kenai for this role.
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE: Gal Gidot’s Wonder Woman
The nominating committee feels no real need to elaborate on this pick as it is kind of the most obvious choice…
DEPARTMENT OF LABOR: Hector “Zero” Zeroni from the movie “Holes”
After enduring the absolute worst working conditions known to man, at the hands of “the Warden” (played by legendary actress Sigourney Weaver) and eventually being carried to the top of “Gods thumb” by best friend, Stanley Yelnats, breaking a generational curse, inheriting millions and finding his long lost mother. No one is more qualified to handle the Department of Labor than “Zero.” In a world of people that say, “I suffered, you’ll be fine.” Be the kind that says, “I suffered, now you don’t have to.” [Hector also has indicated a desire to spend any free time outside of his role to aid in the arduous task of reforming the United States prison system.]
DEPARTMENT OF STATE: Lilo Pelekai of the 2002 movie Lilo & Stitch
At age 6, Lilo Pelekai found an unlikely friend in a little blue space alien (Stitch aka Experiment 626) whom she met at her local pound [point is worth noting for the “adopt don’t shop” crowd specifically], Lilo then saved Stitch (who was later found to have been actively abused and used for alien testing) from those who wished to re-abduct him. Thus, by age 6, Lilo had more experience with diplomacy and foreign policy than anyone else on the planet. In 2024, Lilo is now 28 years old and will be one of the youngest members of the cabinet but she is also most qualified not only to negotiate foreign relations with our planetary allies and adversaries but also handle any issues that may arise out of the UAP hearings that happened this past week. The hearings say we aren’t alone in the cosmos… Lilo has proof that backs those claims and his name is Stitch.
DEPARTMENT OF TRANSPORTATION: Thomas the Tank Engine
While we had originally planned to offer this position to right-wing favorite and Kansas native Mater aka “Tow Mater” who was wildly known from his work on Cars, the popular movie about Cars released in 2006, recent statements made by the Tow Truck regarding a desire to return to the 50’s on his social media networks have forced us to go in a more reliable direction. [It is important to also note that as a “international boom truck” Mater was born in the 50’s and it is extremely unlikely that his memory of that time is at all accurate to the adult American experience in that era.] That said, while Thomas the Tank Engine isn’t the most popular choice among transportation experts, while he isn’t as flashy as a pick like, “The Boat Mobile” (Spongebob) or “The Bat Mobile” (Batman) we, in the nominating committee, and those in the President’s office feel that Thomas’ “I think I can” attitude is just what our nation needs to get “back on track” (pun intended).
DEPARTMENT OF THE TREASURY: Robin Hood
Keeping in line with a trend for our Transportation secretary, the nomination committee would like to acknowledge that while fan favorite, Mr. Krabs, seemed like the most frugal and bipartisan pick, and while his plans to safeguard the wealth of this nation were unique, we would like to offer up our alternate suggestion of Sir Robin Hood of Locksley. Robin Hood has a bit of a checkered past, he has been known to “steal from the rich and give to the poor” and if accepted he has made assurances to reduce the “stealing” that he may or may not be guilty of, in order to create a responsible plan to redistribute the massive amounts of wealth in the nation and balance some of our nations debts as well.
DEPARTMENT OF VETERANS AFFAIRS: Jorgan Von Strangle
The nominating committee feels no real need to elaborate on this pick as it is kind of the most obvious choice… plus he’s also good with kids…
Closing statements
I, as the sole member of “the nominating committee” would now like to thank anyone who has made it to this point of the blog. I know it was a long one and I can also fully acknowledge that it got more and more wild toward the end but, I hope you enjoyed it anyway.
As was written before, feel free to add your picks to the comment section or take time on your own with friends to play. And if anyone is feeling extra bold, tell me which fictional character you believe would best fill the roles I did not fill but may make sense for the cabinet above ie. President, VP, etc.
Awkward n' Adulting 